


The Other Tomlinson

by annanotesxo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, Hurt/Comfort, Louis and Will Tomlinson, M/M, Music, Musician Louis, Rock Star Louis, Suicide, Tomlinson Twins, Will is Harry's flatmate and best friend, Will is also Louis' twin, Will is popular and sporty, harry styles/louis tomlinson - Freeform, louis is a mess, louis was in a band, louis wears a lot of black, mentions of:, sort of, the rogue, yup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-04-26 02:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 108,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4986547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annanotesxo/pseuds/annanotesxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry was happy. He had just started his second year of university and was living with his best friend, Will Tomlinson. Everything was simple in Harry's life - right until Will's estranged twin brother appeared at their door and everything became so much more complicated, that is. </p><p>Basically, an AU where Harry is your average uni student and Louis is his best friend's twin brother who appears out of nowhere after being gone for three years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. HOME

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a creepily realistic Tomlinson twins manip this one time and got inspired.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this :) !!
> 
> xoxo
> 
> ps. my sister made me post this. she is my cheerleader.

As Harry stared at the grey clouds outside his window, he felt a shiver run down his spine, not so much from the cold, because it wasn’t actually _that_ cold, but more from the anticipation of the inevitable downpour. He absentmindedly pulled the sleeves of his oversized jumper over his hands and crossed his arms across his chest, tightly, as if hugging himself. He sighed, still staring. It was already mid-October, and he was perfectly aware of that, but the quickly darkening, looming clouds outside still felt like a painful blow to the chest, a bitter reminder that summer was definitely and indisputably over.

 

Yet , despite the raging rain and sharp, icy wind that were becoming increasingly frequent, the world somehow felt quite peaceful to Harry. University had started up again two weeks ago, so there were no imminent deadlines ahead to stress over and everything was beginning to fall into the familiar, secure routine. The only question going through Harry’s mind right now was whether it was cold enough to justify turning the heating on. 

 

‘Do you think we should turn the heating on?’ Harry asked, while his friend was dashing past, stopping at the full length mirror in the hallway to check if his outfit looked alright. Harry looked at his flatmate pleadingly, but Will didn’t even acknowledge the question, staring intently at his reflection, trying to fix his hair into the perfect ‘messy’ look.

 

He put on a button-down shirt and a grey jumper over it, which was quite a smart look for him and not one he would usually had opted for. Nowadays, you’d rarely see him in anything other than sporty clothes or a casual combination of t-shirts, skinnies and vans — so clearly, he was trying to put some more effort into his outfit for the occasion. It was his half-year anniversary with his girlfriend, Eleanor, which Will was only aware of because Harry had reminded him of it. After a long conversation of whether a half-year anniversary is actually a real thing that should be celebrated, Harry convinced his flatmate to plan something special. It’s not that Will didn’t care about his girlfriend, he just wasn’t much of a romantic. But he was making an effort now, and, quite honestly, Harry thought it was really cute. 

 

As Harry watched his friend, he couldn’t help the feeling of amused relief because, thankfully, Will had finally ditched his sailor boy look that he had been sporting for most of last year. See, for almost the whole twelve months that the two had known each other, Will insisted on wearing some sort of striped top, chinos or brightly coloured skinny jeans and TOMS pretty much every day - u p until his mates had teased him enough for him to finally realise that it wasn’t the greatest look, that is. Harry couldn’t help but to grin at the memory. 

 

‘What?’ Will finally asked, still completely distracted, before stopping for a moment in front of Harry once he had processed the question. ‘What are you on about? Stop whining, it’s not even cold. Get a blanket or something, if you must. Seriously, you little crybaby.’ He rolled his eyes dramatically, rushing away without waiting for an answer.

 

‘Well, that’s not very nice.’ Harry muttered under his breath. Will seemed to always get a bit on-edge before going out to see his girlfriend, so Harry didn’t mind him mocking him a little. Eleanor used to live in the same flat as Harry in student halls last year, and the two met through him. They seemed happy enough, he thought.

 

Will stopped in the hallway in front of the mirror again, messing with his hair a bit more, before turning to Harry. ‘What do I need? Just a wallet, right? And key. We’re just going to dinner.’

 

‘Well, you could get some flowers, you know.’ Harry just said slowly. 

 

‘Shit.’ Will said, slight panic in his eyes. His expression made Harry chuckle. ‘I probably should, you’re right. Good idea.’ He sighed loudly, before saying, ‘Okay, gotta go. See ya later, mate.’ and spinning round towards the door. He disappeared behind it, slamming it shut. 

 

Harry got up and walked to the door sluggishly, locking it from the inside.

 

It was suddenly so silent. Everything seemed eerily still for a moment.

 

After a long, deep breath, Harry went into the living room, threw himself back onto the sofa, picked up the remote and turned on the tv. He wasn’t particularly interested in watching anything, but he had nothing better to do. 

 

 

***

 

Harry was halfway through a second episode of 'Friends', wondering if there will ever be a time when re-runs of the show will stop being aired, when the doorbell rang. 

 

He groaned a bit, not particularly eager to get up. Did Will forget his keys again? And why would he be back so early? Did something go wrong? Harry wondered, bit concerned, but no, he specifically remembered Will talking about taking his keys before he left. Who could it be then? 

 

Harry dragged his feet while he walked, stretching a bit after the long time spent lying in the same position on the sofa. 

 

When he opened the door, his mind went absolutely blank.

 

What?

 

‘Will?’ Harry asked, frowning as if faced with a puzzle. But this wasn’t your usual crossword or sudoku. This made no sense and he had no clue how to process it. He was staring at his friend’s face, except everything about the guy was completely off. The Will in front of him was not his Will. He was wearing all black; a black denim jacket with a black hoodie underneath, black ripped skinny jeans and some black Vans that looked on the verge of falling apart. Now, Will’s style had changed drastically from the year before, sure, but these clothes that this Will, this strange Will, was wearing were really something else. His face also seemed off. Sure, it was Will’ face, but somehow skinnier, rougher and unshaven, with dark circles under tired, bloodshot eyes.

 

The guy was standing there, soaked from head to toe, with his messy hair, which was slightly longer than real Will’s, falling onto his face. Even from a few feet away, he smelled of cigarettes and rain. He smirked when Harry said the name Will and replied, ‘Nope. But from your freaked out expression, I assume he lives here?’

 

‘Yes.’ Harry said quietly, his voice full of confusion and his eyebrows drawn tightly together, a bit shaken up.

 

‘Fantastic.’ The guy said flatly, then, picking up a big duffle bag and a guitar case that were at his feet, walked passed Harry and into the flat. He was so sure of himself, so bold in his movements, that Harry just moved out his way, staring. 

 

Not-Will dropped his things by the sofa and started looking around the room. Harry closed the door slowly, every action taking more concentration and effort than usual, as his mind was going crazy. He was completely dumbstruck, feeling as if he was part of some really elaborate practical joke.

 

‘Um, who,’ he hesitated, feeling stupid as he asked the question, ‘who are you?’

 

‘Hm. Lets think about that. I mean, it really is a toughie. I look just like Will. You could even say _identical_ to him. But I’m not him. What could that _possibly_ mean?’ He asked, with a massive over-exaggerated sigh as he rolled his eyes, his words seeping with patronising sarcasm. He didn’t seem like the most pleasant of people to be around, Harry thought.

 

‘You’re his twin.’ The words came out quiet, sounding like a question. Harry felt he must have seemed really dim, but he was so bewildered by this new unexpected situation, that he could hardly form any coherent thoughts, let alone say them out loud. 

 

‘Ding ding ding. Ten points to team Curly.’ The guy said in a voice of an over the top gameshow host. He really looked at Harry then, pausing his assessment of the living room. What he saw was a teenager with wild curly hair, slightly taller than him, but definitely with a younger, softer face than his own. The boy stared at him wide-eyed, still struggling to compose his thoughts. After waiting for a moment for Harry to say something to him, he finally asked, ’Are you always this slow, kid?’

 

‘What?’ Harry said absentmindedly, which he realised was not helping his case. He then tried speaking again, but the words came out quiet, tiny. ‘I’m not a kid.’

 

The guy laughed, then, looking at Harry with a smirk said, ‘If you have the need to say you’re not a kid, it pretty much proves that you are a kid.’

 

‘I’m two years younger than you.’ Harry defended himself with a frown. 

 

‘Really?’ the guy raised his eyebrows, amused. ‘Well, I really wouldn’t have guessed. Maybe I’m just a bit jaded for my own age, so you look all little and innocent to me.’ He chuckled at Harry’s facial expression; he did not look pleased, to say the least. The guy responded to Harry’s annoyed, offended expression, by giving him a friendly punch to the shoulder, saying ‘You know what, we should totally go out, kid. Get drunk off our asses. You look like you need some fun and I need a new drinking buddy. Then you could roughen up a bit. Get rid of that baby face.’ He teased. 

 

Harry didn’t know what to say, still taken aback, as well as feeling as if the guy enjoyed irritating him. And he really was irritated at that point.

 

After a pause, not getting any response from Harry apart from a glare, he asked, ‘What should I call you then, kid?’

 

Harry would’ve preferred this unwelcome guest to not call him anything at all and to leave the house, so that everything went back to normal. Still, he replied.

 

’Harry,’ the word left his lips unenthusiastically, after a defeated sigh. Not knowing what else to do, he figured he might just as well go along with this absurd situation.

 

‘Great. Harry. Nice to meet you,’ the guy said and, putting his hand out for a handshake, added, ‘Louis Tomlinson. Or Tommo. Though, I suppose you probably call my brother that, so maybe we should stick with Louis to avoid confusion.’

 

It didn’t seem like a sincere gesture. It seemed as if he was playing some sort of game. Harry took the hand, but still frowning, unsure. He didn’t like this different Will… Louis. 

 

Louis did’t seem at all discouraged by Harry’s expression, saying, ‘I should probably get a towel to dry off. And I _really_ could use a drink. D’you think my bro has anything?’ 

 

He didn’t wait for an answer, but just went further into the flat, quickly finding the kitchen. He headed straight for the fridge and, pulling out a beer, said, ‘Ah, now that’s what I’m talking about.’ He turned to Harry who had followed him into the kitchen wordlessly. Louis smirked again, ‘Will won’t mind if I take this, will he?’

 

‘Doubt he would, considering it’s actually mine.’ Harry replied plainly.

 

‘Really?’ Louis laughed. ‘Well, good then. Do you want one?’

 

‘Well, as much as I appreciate you offering me my own drink, I’m fine.’ Harry said, not at all amused.

 

‘I like you, kid. You’re funny.’ he replied, then, seeing Harry’s glare quickly added, ‘Sorry, I meant Harry. My bad.’ He laughed before opening the can and taking a sip, then spoke again, ’So, where is good old Will at?’

 

‘He went out with his girlfriend.’ Harry said. His voice was flat, annoyed at the inconvenience that Louis’ presence was.

 

‘Huh. Well, good for him, I suppose.’ He shut up then and just stood there quietly, staring at the can in his hands. 

 

Harry, however, didn’t drop his gaze and continued staring at the intruder in front of him. He still felt unable to wrap his head around what was happening, the way the guy in front of him looked, the way he moved around as if he owned the place. His condescending way of speaking. How could this man look so like his best friend, while, at the same time, be so completely different?

 

‘Will never mentioned you.’ Harry said, breaking the silence, his tone was almost accusatory. 

 

Harry had known Will for a year now. When they met Harry had just started university, while Will was in his second year. They met at an ultimate frisbee society taster session, of all places — both of them thought it sounded fun, but ended up never going again. It was such a strange, chance event, which they, during many deep, drunken conversations, concluded must have been fate. It only took that one first impression for them to realise that they would get along, and it wasn’t long until they started hanging out more and more. They found that they had mutual friends too; it turned out that one of Harry’s flatmates from last year, Niall, was on the university football team with Will, which only made their friendship stronger. By summer it was obvious that they wanted to live together the next year.

 

So how, when they were clearly so close, could Will keep such a huge piece of information from Harry? And, more importantly, why? 

 

Louis looked up at Harry finally, noticing him staring back with a frown. ‘To be honest, he’s not going to be happy that I’m here.’ Louis said plainly. The simple statement seemed more genuine to Harry than anything he had said up to now.

 

‘Yeah? How come?’ Harry asked. He didn’t particularly want him there at that point either, but he really wanted to know more.

 

‘We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.’ he said, then laughed flatly, ‘Well, that’s a nice way of putting it, really. Honestly, he hates me and not without reason, I suppose. Which is probably why you had no clue I existed.’

 

Harry waited a moment before speaking. There was a change in Louis’s tone and posture; the way he said those words made most of the annoying cockiness he previously displayed momentarily fade, making Harry warm up to the guy slightly. Still, with some restraint, he asked curiously, ’What happened?’

 

‘I sort of just abandoned them all, I suppose,’ He shrugged, ‘my family, that is.’ 

 

Harry felt a sadness behind this offhand response. He wanted to know more. He felt there was much more to know that Louis just didn’t want to say. How bad must’ve this thing between them be, that it would cause Will to completely erase his brother from his life?

 

‘How come you’re here now?’ Harry asked, trying to figure out exactly what the hell was going on.

 

‘Got nowhere to go, really.’ He laughed dryly. ‘Back with my tail between my legs.’

 

Harry nodded, but said nothing. He waited for a while, watching Louis drink his beer. As he watched him, he slowly began to see the guy as less of a malicious imposter and more of a person. Not an amazingly likeable person, bit unpleasant and scary looking quite frankly, but a person nonetheless. He couldn’t help it. Harry cared for people, it was just the way he was.

 

‘You should really get changed.’ he said simply, ‘I’ll get you that towel.’

 

‘Thanks,’ Louis replied with a small smile that surprised Harry for a moment, seeming almost genuine, before shaking his head as if in defeat, saying, ‘I’m pretty sure most of my other clothes are soaked too though.’

 

 

***

 

Louis was right about a lot of his stuff being soaked - his duffel bag wasn’t exactly waterproof. After finding a dry t-shirt and pair of jeans, Louis went to the bathroom to get changed. 

 

Harry didn’t really know what to do, so he just waited in the living room, leaning on the arm of the sofa, staring at nowhere in particular. His head quickly snapped up when he heard Louis walking into the room again. He was wearing an almost identical pair of black skinny jeans to the pair he had on previously, the only difference being that these miraculously looked even more faded and worn-out, and a black t-shirt with the Black Flag logo on it; Harry recognised it but couldn’t actually think of any song by the band. The clothes were pretty much what Harry could’ve expected from Louis from that brief first-impression, but what he wasn’t prepared for is seeing the guy’s arms almost completely covered in tattoos. Harry looked from Louis’ clothes, to his tattoos, to his face, unable to hold back his fascination with this new puzzle of a person. The more he looked at the guy, the less Will he saw in him. He tried to remind himself not to stare many times, but each time curiosity won over, and his eyes turned back to Louis.

 

After Louis came into the room, the two of them decided to hang some of his clothes up by the radiator to dry. It gave Harry an excuse to turn the heating on, which he was quite pleased about, liking the flat nice and warm. 

 

‘Would you like some tea?’ Harry asked when they were done putting up the clothes. He ran his fingers through his curls, unsure of what the appropriate thing to do or say would be at that moment.

 

‘Yeah, sure,’ Louis shrugged.

 

Harry nodded in response, letting out a breath that he didn’t even realise he was holding. He went to the kitchen, glad to have something to do. 

 

Just as Harry was walking back into the room with two cups of hot tea, he saw Louis grab his jacket and pull out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He took one out.

 

‘You’re not going to smoke that in here, are you?’ Harry said, his eyebrows pulled together. Just when he thought everything was going to settle down so that he could relax again.

 

‘Well, obviously I am. I’m not going outside in this rain.’ He scoffed, looking up at the boy from where he was sitting on the sofa. He lit the cigarette, taking in a big breath.

 

Harry was stunned for a moment, then, putting the cups down on the coffee table, spoke in a raised voice, ‘No, what are you doing? You can’t just do what you want here.’

 

‘Calm down, kid, it’s just a cigarette.’ Louis laughed at Harry’s distressed expression.

 

‘You really don’t have any consideration for others, do you?’ 

 

‘Jeez, calm down kid. How about I go and smoke by the window? Would that be more _considerate_?’ He said in a patronising tone. Like to a child. It played on Harry’s nerves, but he just shrugged deciding that the effort of an argument didn’t seem worth it.

 

Louis went to the window, opening it slightly and leaning against it. He stared out, seeming completely absent from the room, from the world. Harry watched him with scorn. What a dick. He regretted helping him. He regretted making him tea.

 

No he didn’t, he realised. Not really. He couldn’t help being drawn in, couldn’t stop staring at the guy, even as irritated as he was with his behaviour. He couldn’t believe how Louis acted, yet a big part of him was completely consumed by watching him, fascinated.

 

‘God, don’t look at me like that.’ Louis’ words broke Harry away from his thoughts, as if breaking him free from a trance. ‘Seriously, it’s just a cigarette, kid. I didn’t kill anyone.’ He laughed. 

 

‘You’re a dick, you know that?’ Harry replied, surprised by his own bluntness.

 

Louis shrugged, completely unbothered, ‘So, I’ve been told.’

 

‘And you seriously don’t care?’

 

‘Guess I’m just used to it.’ He replied, before sucking in one last puff of smoke and putting out his cigarette on the windowsill. Louis walked right past Harry before dropping himself onto the sofa. He lay on it, resting his head on one of the arms. He closed his eyes, but did not fall asleep.

 

Harry sat down on an armchair adjacent to the sofa. He crossed his arms and waited for the other to speak. But Louis didn’t seem like he was going to. Instead Harry was sitting there, his annoyance levels rising as he was thinking about the fact that Louis most definitely left a mark on the windowsill by putting out his disgusting little cigarette against it, wondering if they would get charged for damage. Their landlord sure was picky.

 

Suddenly, Louis sat up a bit and his eyes turned towards Harry. ‘Can you stop with the staring? I can feel your eyes burning into my skin.’ He said flatly. 

 

Harry looked away quickly. He felt a burning feeling spreading all across his face, he was undoubtedly turning red, feeling as if he had been caught doing something wrong. He caught what looked like a small, amused smile appear on Louis’ face out of the corner of his eye. Then, just moments after Louis put his head back down and closed his eyes again, Harry felt the urge to look at the guy again. It didn’t take long for him to give into it.

 

‘Give me some time.’ Louis said quietly, out of nowhere. ‘I’m not the devil, you know. I’m just a little messed up.’

 

‘You seem a lot messed up to me.’ Harry muttered, but Louis still heard it and laughed. 

 

‘So, I’ve been told.’ He said with a sigh.

 

***

 

Not long after that, the two of them heard the door being unlocked and, almost immediately after, Will’s loud voice shouting, ‘Harry?’

 

‘Yeah?’ he shouted back.

 

‘You won’t believe how how horrific the rain—’ he started while taking his shoes and jacket off, stopping in his tracks as he got closer, ‘have you been smoking? It stinks here.’ 

 

He finished his words as he entered the living room. Immediately his expression became harsh, furious even.

 

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ He said, glaring at Louis. Harry had never heard such venom in his friend’s voice and it made a chill run down his spine.

 

‘I called up Lottie and she said it was better that I don’t come back home right away. So she told me where you live.’ Louis explained with a shrug. Harry was surprised at how small his voice sounded all of a sudden, as if shying away from a fight.

 

‘And you thought I would be okay with you just appearing out of nowhere? What did you expect me to be _happy_ to see you? You’re absolutely insane if you did.’ Will said, coming closer and towering over Louis, who was still on the couch.

 

‘Listen, I’m sorry—‘ He started but was instantly interrupted.

 

‘Sorry? Seriously? Sorry? Well, that’s it then. All better.’ Will said sarcastically. ‘What were you thinking? Do you know how much you hurt everyone when you left? You don’t. Clearly, it never bothered you till now.’

 

‘That’s not true—‘ Louis began, quietly.

 

‘It is though. It really is. Fuck, how could you just disappear like that? Do you know how much mum cried? How much the girls cried? Really, you didn’t think of anyone but yourself, did ya?’

 

Harry felt extremely uncomfortable at this point, standing up slowly and saying, ‘Maybe I should leave you two —‘

 

Will didn’t even acknowledge that Harry had said a single word, continuing, ‘And now you have some delusion that you can just come back and, what? Everything would be okay? Just like that?’

 

At this point, Louis stopped trying to apologise and just listened as his brother yelled at him.

 

‘You are fucking unbelievable. You’re an absolute joke of a human being. If that. It was absolute hell after you left, you do realise that, right? Or have you just gone off and not thought of us at all? That must have been it, otherwise you wouldn’t have just completely disappeared. Mum thought you were dead! And, honestly, I wished you actually were sometimes.’

 

Harry couldn’t believe the words coming out of his friend’s mouth. He had never seen him this mad. Surely he saw Will angry, usually over football, but this was something else. His friend, usually such a bright, open person seemed to have transformed into some sort of furious beast. It frightened him a bit.

 

Louis just dropped his head down, listening to the verbal abuse hurled at him by his brother. His gaze seemed empty, his eyes glossing over.

 

‘And why are you even here? Did the stupid fucking band not work out then? Your big plans and dreams gone to shit, is that it? So you just crawl right back to the family you abandoned?’ Will paused then, waiting for a response this time.

 

‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say.’ Louis said, his voice weak, ‘I know what I did was—‘ he paused as if searching for a word, ‘just awful.’

 

‘Yeah, you’re right there.’ Will said sharply.

 

‘I don’t expect you to forgive me—‘

 

‘Good. ‘Cause I’m not planning on it.’ Will cut him off.

 

‘I don’t expect you to forgive me,’ Louis started again, ‘but I just need somewhere to stay. Just for a little bit. I just need a chance.’

 

‘You’re having a fucking laugh. You really think I’d want you here?’ Will scoffed. ‘You’ve lost your mind, seriously.’

 

‘Will, just hear me out.’ Louis pleaded, ‘It’s just for a tiny bit while I get myself sorted out. I’m still your brother.’

 

‘No. You’re not. I’ve not had a brother for three years. You’re just a waste of space. I want you to leave.’ Will said, then he turned and walked away, into his room. Slamming the door.

 

Harry still stood in the room, openmouthed, unable to comprehend what just went down. 

 

‘Shit. That went badly.’ Louis said, hiding his face in his hands. 

 

‘I’ve never seen him like this,’ Harry finally managed after a long pause.

 

‘I deserve it, really.’ Louis sighed, looking up. All that cockiness, all that bluntness seemed to have escaped him in that moment. ‘I should probably get my stuff together and leave.’ He said, standing up. 

 

‘Wait,’ Harry said quickly, ‘your stuff is still not dry. And you said you didn’t have anywhere else to go?’ Louis nodded in response, so Harry continued. ‘Maybe I can talk to him.’

 

‘You’d do that for me?’ Louis snickered, ‘For this dickhead, who has fucked up so much that even his brother basically wants him dead? You sure you want to do that, kid?’

 

Harry shrugged, ignoring the fact that he had been called a kid _again_ , ‘You asked me to give you a chance. And I can’t just let you leave into that downpour with nowhere to go. Wouldn’t be right.’

 

‘Thanks.’ Louis just said, unable to find any more words.

 

‘Okay then,’ Harry said, ‘just stay here for a while. I’ll see what I can do.’

 

 

***

 

Harry stood in front of the door to Will’s room for some time, before finally braving it and knocking. There was no answer, so he just walked in after a while.

 

Will was pacing around his room. As soon as the doors were shut behind his friend, he started speaking, 

 

‘I just don’t know what to do, seriously.’ He said, looking up at Harry with a panicked expression. ‘He just comes out from nowhere, I mean, I’m right to be mad, right? I should be mad. That’s the natural response to all this shit.’

 

Harry nodded, though he could not honestly tell if Will’s response was justified, not knowing what exactly went down between the two. He clearly saw that Will wasn't done talking yet, so he stayed quiet, listening.

 

‘Do you know what the worst thing is? When i saw him, a part of me felt… relieved. That’s what makes me the most angry. I actually _want_ him to stay. And I hate that, because I can’t trust him. I can’t deal with him. i don’t know if he really means it— if he is really gonna stick around, you know?’

 

Harry was quite surprised at Will’s confession. Moments before he would’ve sworn that all that Will wanted was to kick Louis out and never see him again, he thought that all that Will felt towards his brother was hatred, but apparently he was wrong. He waited for his friend to continue.

 

‘I won’t let him go to our parents. I can’t. It would hurt mum so much if he’d just disappear again. But I really can’t be around him, I’m too angry.’ He then turned to Harry, looking at him with pleading eyes, ‘Could you just help me figure him out? What his intentions actually are? Because i don’t think i can do it. I don’t trust him and I don’t trust myself around him. Because I want to believe him. I really do. But I know I shouldn’t.’

 

The worried expression on Will’s face made Harry feel a bit lost; he wasn’t used to seeing this side of his friend. His friend was bright and loud and football-obsessed. He wasn’t this. He didn’t get worked up like that about anything. 

 

After a moment, Harry managed to nod in response and ask, ‘So you don’t want him to leave?’

 

Will sighed and shook his head. ‘No, we need to keep him here. So he doesn’t leave again. Shit, he hasn’t left yet, has he?’

 

‘No, he’s still here,’ Harry said quickly, quite relieved that he didn’t actually have to do any convincing or arguing with Will. 

 

‘Are you okay with him staying here?’ Will finally asked, sitting down on his bed, looking exhausted from all the pacing and stressing out.

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Harry shrugged. And he did. Even though the guy frustrated him so much, he would be lying if he said he actually wanted him to leave. The situation actually felt a bit… exhilarating. The idea of finding out about Louis and his past felt exciting. He seemed like the definition of dark and mysterious — a mystery Harry longed to solve. 

 

‘Okay then. Give me a moment. I just need some time to settle down, then I’ll go talk to him.’ Will let out an exasperated sigh and lay down, closing his eyes. The way he just lay there, eyes closed, thinking and composing himself, looked just like how Louis was laying on the sofa not long ago and the uncanny similarity felt eerie to Harry. 

 

‘Okay.’ Harry just said, leaving the room. When he walked into the living room, he found Louis sitting on the sofa, looking uncomfortable, staring down at his hands, waiting.

 

‘He said it’s okay for you to stay.’ Harry said simply. The sudden words made Louis’ head snap up at the sound, looking quite startled. ‘It’s best you keep your distance for now though. Give him some time.’

 

‘Oh,’ he said, standing up. He walked up to Harry, threw his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug, ‘Thank you so much, man.’

 

Harry couldn’t move for a while, partly because he was so surprised by the sudden physical contact and partly because Louis’ hold on him really was that tight. Louis slapped Harry’s back a couple of times, then he pulled away, holding Harry at arms length, his hands wrapped tightly around the boy’s shoulders.

 

‘This is great.’ he grinned. There was a mischievous sparkle in his eyes, that made Harry feel a bit worried, not knowing what sort of trouble may lay ahead because of Louis’ presence. But, even though he remained weary, he couldn’t help feeling uplifted by the guy’s sudden high spirits. Harry chuckled at seeing such a happy expression on Louis, the gloomy, moody, black wearing, constantly sarcastic Louis. Harry also didn’t mind taking the credit for convincing Will to let his brother stay with them, because he liked the way Louis looked at him in that moment - he looked almost impressed and Harry really enjoyed that. 

 

‘Now,’ Louis took a couple of steps back, then, clasping his hands, said, ‘do you have any food, ‘cause I’m absolutely starving.’

 

Harry rolled his eyes at how at home Louis seemed to make himself already, then turned around and started walking towards the kitchen, gesturing for the guy to follow him. 

 

Once in the kitchen, Harry realised that, because of all the commotion, he hadn’t eaten dinner himself either and it was already after 10pm. His stomach twisted painfully from hunger and, not feeling very inspired to cook anything at that time, the two settled on sandwiches.

 

‘I’m so exhausted, man.’ Louis said between bites. ‘I came straight here from the airport. Ten hour flight as well.’

 

‘Really?’ Harry asked wide eyed, realising that he had no clue where Louis was coming from or what he had been doing over the past few years while estranged from his family. He hadn’t really thought about it at all yet. Of course he didn’t though, he didn’t even know the guy existed a couple hours ago! ‘Where were you all this time?’

 

‘All over. America mainly.’ Louis shrugged, suddenly looking very fascinated by the sandwich in his hand, avoiding looking at Harry. ‘I’m not in the mood to talk about it all right now, if it’s all the same to you.’

 

Harry felt a bit disappointed, he wanted to know as much as possible about Louis and the fact that the guy was so elusive with talking about himself made him all that more curious.

 

‘I’ll get some stuff for you then. You’ll sleep in the living room. Best we can do is the sofa.’ Harry informed him quickly, feeling the need to start doing something to stop himself from standing there and ceaselessly staring at Louis. His mind was going wild with questions and he really didn’t want to seem like a creep, watching the guy, so he hurried out of the kitchen before Louis even got the chance to respond.

 

When Louis came in, Harry was tidying up any cups or rubbish from around the living room, to make everything neater. He rushed the task, feeling Louis’ eyes on himself, waiting. He couldn’t tell what the other was thinking.

 

‘Anyway.’ he said as soon as he was done. He ran his fingers through his messy curls in a nervous way, saying, ‘I’m gonna leave you now. See ya.’

 

‘You’re a nice little housewife, aren’t ya?’ Louis smirked. His words annoyed Harry, even though, admittedly, he did like keeping the house neat and having guests, liked to think he was a good host, so should he really feel that defensive? It was just something about Louis’ tone that rubbed him the wrong way. But he decided that maybe it was better to avoid that discussion right now. He suddenly felt really worn out.

 

He walked right past Louis, saying a quick, ‘Night.’

 

He wasn’t sure if the other responded before he disappeared behind his bedroom door.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT! :)
> 
> loads more coming really soon if you did <3
> 
> if you want to talk to me, my username is annanotesxo on everything (tumblr, twitter, instagram, snapchat)
> 
> xoxo


	2. QUESTION GAME

The next morning Harry felt like a stranger in his own home. The knowledge of Louis’ presence in the other room made him feel like the balance of the place was off and he was very conscious of every little movement that he was making, hoping not to disturb the atmosphere of the place further. Or maybe he was just hoping not to disturb his new guest’s slumber. Will got quite testy, or, more accurately, furious and violent, when woken up early in the morning, so Harry feared his brother might have the same disposition. 

 

It wasn’t even 8:30am and he was running around his room, trying to gather up his notebooks as quickly as possible, cursing his disorganised nature. He was supposed to be out the door already and on his way to the uni. He threw everything in his bag and grabbed a banana to eat on the way. 

 

Before leaving, Harry stopped in the doorway of the living room, unable to fight the urge to check up on his guest. At first he thought that Louis had left, his heartbeat quickening at the thought, seeing only the sleeping bag and fluffy blanket that he had given him twisted up in a massive lump. After a deep breath and a moment of looking more closely however, he noticed an arm and a foot sticking out from the mess of material at a strange angle. He could not possibly be comfortable like that, Harry thought, feeling a small smile appearing on his face before he turned around to leave — and almost fell over a pair of Vans that wasn’t supposed to be there. He cursed quietly, picking up the pair of shoes scattered in the hallway and laid them near the door, beside all of his and Will’s shoes.

 

Then he left, locking the door behind him.

 

***

 

Harry came back around 2pm, feeling like the lectures that day had drained the will to live from him. He had two hours in between lectures which he spent sitting in the library doing nothing — except thinking about the peculiarity of the situation waiting for him back at home, of course. It made him exhausted, so feeling the familiar warmth and smell of his flat as he walked through the door felt like a pleasant relief. 

 

He abandoned his shoes by the door and walked straight to the kitchen, looking through the envelopes he grabbed from their postbox on the way up to the flat.

 

‘Hey, we got the electricity bill and I was thinking—‘ Harry said, seeing the familiar silhouette in joggers and a crumpled up t-shirt doing something at the counter.

 

‘Wrong Tomlinson.’ Louis said without turning round, stopping Harry in his tracks. Finally, when he did turn around, holding a bowl of cereal in hand and leaning back against the countertop, he chuckled at Harry’s surprised expression.

 

‘Right.’Harry just managed, flustered, ‘Didn’t realise it was you. You look—’ The casual clothes he was wearing were just like those Will often wore around the house, which messed with Harry’s head again. He really didn’t recognise him for a second, almost forgetting he was there. He shook his head, frowning a bit, ‘Is Will home then?’

 

‘Nope. Think he left, ‘bout an hour ago, actually.’ Louis said, putting a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

 

‘Oh, okay.’ Harry said, running his hand through his hair, not really knowing what to do. He stood there awkwardly for a moment. ‘Did you two talk then?’

 

‘Nope. He completely ignored my presence actually.’ Louis shrugged, ‘Not surprising really.’

 

‘Right.’ Harry just said with a nod.

 

‘You ran out of Coco Pops by the way. Very low on Frosties too. You should do something about that.’ Louis said throwing the empty bowl into the sink and picking up an already opened bottle of beer from the counter that Harry had not noticed before. He walked right past Harry, heading to the living room where he fell back onto the sofa. 

 

Harry rolled his eyes before following. The messy lump of sleeping bag and blanket was still there, Louis sitting among it. The only difference from this morning was that there were two more bottles of beer on the coffee table, empty, and a box of Coco Pops, also empty. So that’s what’s happened to those, Harry thought, with a disapproving, but unsurprised, sigh. He decided to follow suit and sit down on the sofa too, staring at the TV screen. Jeremy Kyle. 

 

‘I’m glad Jezza’s still on.’ Louis said, not moving his eyes from the screen, ‘Good to know there are still stupid fuckers around.’ 

 

Harry didn't know what to say for a while. All these questions were suddenly coming up and he didn’t know how to put them into words. What happened between the two of them? Why did Louis leave? Where did he go? How long was he gone for? What was he doing? Harry had no clue. Somehow, ‘Hey, tell me everything about the past couple years of your life.’ did’t seem like the thing to say. 

 

While considering all that, Harry watched Louis whose eyes were still on the screen. He seemed to be looking at it rather than watching it though. His gaze seemed empty and distant, which only increased Harry’s curiosity. He looked at the unshaven, messy haired man in front of him.

 

‘Did you not sleep well?’ Harry found himself asking, noticing the puffy dark circles under Louis’ eyes — eyes that were red, strained, and now staring back at him emptily, as if hardly acknowledging his question.

 

’T’was alright, thanks.’ He replied, not sounding particularly grateful. ‘Sure had worse.’

 

The answer irritated Harry a bit. Louis’ offhand remarks always sounded like there was so much behind them. So much to know that he won’t tell. Louis didn’t seem like a particularly cooperative person.

 

After another long moment of silence between the two, with Louis staring at the telly and sipping his beer — well, Harry’s beer — and Harry watching him tentatively, he finally braved to say something again.

 

‘You were in a band.’ Harry blurted out the statement, failing to figure out a better way to ask about Louis’ secret life. Smooth.

 

‘Yup.’ Louis nodded, not even gracing Harry with eye-contact.

 

Finding the answer completely unsatisfying, Harry pressed on, ‘So, what sort of band was it?’

 

‘An S-Club-7 tribute band.’ Louis said flatly. 

 

‘No it wasn’t.’ Harry said. He wasn’t going to accept being cheated out of real answers with Louis’ little sarcastic remarks.

 

‘You know, just kids angry with the world. We liked to think we were rockstars, but we weren’t.’ He laughed quietly, bitterly. Harry was realising that getting any real information out of him was going to be a major challenge. After all, he was talking to a particularly difficult, cynical individual, but, unfortunately, also a frustratingly interesting one. ‘We played a lot of early Green Day. _Dookie_ mainly. Way too much, honestly.’ he chuckled dryly, shaking his head, but it looked like there was some amusement in the memory.

 

Harry nodded along, captivated. 

 

‘Tell me more.’ he said, a bit embarrassed at how eager the words came out.

 

Louis turned around to face Harry and, met with a wide-eyed boy, he laughed. ‘What are you writing a biography or something?’

 

‘Uh, no.’ he shrugged in response. What was he doing exactly? All he knew was that he wanted to know _everything_. ‘Just curious.’

 

‘Yeah, well, I’m not drunk enough for all this _sharing_ business.’ his voice was harsh. Decisive.

 

Harry felt his whole insides drop a bit. He sat there silently for a while, disappointed, before standing up suddenly and walking out the room. Louis looked up at the unexpected movement with raised eyebrows, but looked back down after a little shrug, unconcerned.

 

After a moment, Harry came back with a big bottle of vodka and two shot glasses, a small, determined frown on his face. Taking in the sight, Louis laughed. It was a short little laugh, but it seemed genuine, popping out of a small crack in the cynical, dark exterior.

 

‘Well then,’ He chuckled, patting the space next to him on the sofa, ‘take a sit, Curly.’

 

As soon as Harry sat down and put down the glasses and bottle on the coffee table, Louis began pouring. He lifted the shot glass looking to Harry, expectantly, and the boy quickly picked up the other one. 

 

‘Cheers.’ Louis said, with a little cheeky smile. 

 

‘Cheers.’ Harry said quietly, before they both took the shots. They had two more before Louis started talking.

 

‘What do ya wanna know, kid?’ He leaned back on the sofa.

 

‘Everything, really.’ Harry said, quiet, unsure.

 

Louis sighed, ‘Right. How about you ask a question, we take a shot.’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Harry said, thinking he better be economical with his questions. He decided to start simple though. ‘What was your band called?’

 

‘The Rogue.’ Louis said simply, instantly. He filled the shot glasses before he even finished speaking. 

 

They drank.

 

‘Did you leave home because of the band?’ Harry asked, putting down his shot glass for Louis to immediately refill.

 

‘Partly.’ Louis replied, done pouring another.

 

‘What does that mean?’ Harry asked, a bit annoyed about the vagueness. It wasn’t fair, really.

 

‘That’s a whole new question, kid.’ Louis smirked. 

 

‘Fine.’ Harry rolled his eyes, downing another shot. He was feeling quite wobbly already. This was not a great plan. ‘Why did you leave?’

 

‘Contrary to what _some_ may claim, I didn’t have that much to make me stay. Felt like a no brainer actually.’ He laughed bitterly, ‘Chose three filthy, reeking guys playing mediocre music in grimy bars, getting pissed beyond belief and sleeping on strangers’ sofas over my own family.’

 

Harry lifted his shot glass towards Louis, waiting for the other to fill it, not commenting. Louis complied and filled both of their glasses again. They drank.

 

‘Did you not get along with your family?’ Harry asked instantly.

 

‘Well, we’re diving right into the deep and personal now, I see. Gonna get real intense real quick now, are we?’ Louis laughed. 

 

‘Oh. Sorry.’ Harry said quickly, realising that the question actually may have been a bit personal all of a sudden. Families could be tricky, he knew that. And there _clearly_ was a lot going on in the Tomlinson family and, quite honestly, he didn’t know if he was ready to hear about it all. 

 

Also, thinking was getting _reallyyyy_ difficult now.

 

‘Nah, it’s fine.’ Louis sighed, ‘There’s just a lot to say there. Don’t really feel like getting into it, you know?’

 

Harry nodded, regretting raising the subject now. ‘Can I ask a different one instead?’

 

Louis stared at him. He seemed surprised, probably not expecting nosy Harry to let go of the subject. But there was a hint of something else in his expression. Relief?

 

He nodded slowly.

 

‘Who was in the band?’ Harry asked, hoping that would be an easier question.

 

‘Well, there was me, obviously. I was guitar and support vocals. This guy Cal on drums. Oli on bass. Then, main vocals,’ Louis paused, he seemed tense, avoiding eye-contact. It made Harry feel like he accidentally stumbled on another tricky subject. Even trickier, if that was possible. ’Zayn. He was our main vocals.’

 

Harry felt it was best not to ask about what happened to the band. Something must’ve made it end. And probably not well since it resulted in a rain-soaked Louis appearing at his doorstep with nowhere to go. Probably a sore subject.

 

Harry lifted his glass up again to get re-filled. He struggled to keep it level. The vodka filled up about half the glass, before the bottle was empty.

 

‘Oops. Looks like we finished the thing off.’ Louis chuckled. 

 

‘Oh.’ Harry said slowly, then, getting up added, ‘I can get more.’

 

Except as soon as he got up and attempted making a step, his balance failed him and he fell right back onto the sofa. 

 

‘Or not.’ Louis laughed at the frowning Harry, who seemed unable to figure out exactly what just happened. 

 

‘Shut up.’ Harry grumbled. He wasn’t _that_ much of a light-weight, but his body always went first before his head. He felt really heavy all of a sudden, the covers around him so warm and his body set on staying in its comfortable position on the sofa. ‘Do I still get questions?’

 

‘Sorry, ‘fraid not, kid.’ Louis chuckled. Harry didn’t like it. He turned away, frowning. He was actually sulking. His expression making Louis smirk even more. ‘Maybe another time.’

 

‘You.’ Harry started, his voice slow, ‘you are not nice.’

 

That made Louis erupt in laugher. ‘You got me there, kid.’

 

But the laughter didn’t last long. Soon, Louis reverted back into this absent cynical state, frowning at nothing in particular. Harry watched him, as per usual. Only difference being that his drunken eyes struggled that tiny bit more with focusing on the other’s face. Everything was wobbly. So much more than it had been just minutes ago.

 

After a bit of silence, Louis got up and walked up to the window sluggishly, taking out a cigarette from the box that he left on the windowsill. He cracked the window open slightly. Harry noticed that Louis helped himself to one of their old mugs to use as a makeshift ashtray.

 

‘You look older than him,’ Harry said absentmindedly, not realising his words were out loud. It was a while since either of them made a sound, so this sudden utterance was quite unexpected.

 

‘That’s what drugs and booze will do to ya, kid.’ Louis replied with a smirk that seemed nonchalant, but also felt cold to Harry. After a pause adding, ’I am actually though, you know. A whole thirteen minutes.’He let out a small bitter laugh, ‘The one and only time that I came first.’

 

There was a sudden harshness as he spoke the last words, which surprised Harry. The cold, cynical side of Louis was showing again and, in those moments when his eyes turned dark and his whole body seemed to become tense, it seemed like any sort of kindness or happiness that he had previously displayed had been erased. 

 

Harry sat there quietly. He thought that Louis would not add anything more, but, after a pause, he continued, ’Guess I’ve lived a bit rough over the past few years, you know. It wears you out, so you look like shit.’ He said flatly.

 

‘I didn’t say you looked like shit.’ Harry said, his voice tiny and shy, his chest feeling tight suddenly. He didn’t know how to act or speak around the guy, never knowing how the other would respond.

 

‘Whatever.’Louis just rolled his eyes, ’I sure feel like it.’

 

Harry pulled his eyebrows together, frowning, trying to concentrate on what he was actually saying, and hearing, which wasn’t at all easy.

 

‘You’re not the most pleasant of people to talk to.’ Harry noted simply. Again, he was surprised that he spoke the words out loud. As soon as he did, he regretted it. How his brain thought that would be the thing to say at that moment, he really did not know.

 

Louis laughed to himself, then, with a smirk, said, ‘So I’ve been told.’

 

And that was the end of their conversation. They watched the TV in silence for a while, while Harry sobered up some and slowly began feeling more and more sleepy. Eventually, realising that he will get no more out of Louis, he headed to his room. Falling asleep at the early hour of 7pm.

 

***

 

Two hours later he got woken up by a text from Will.

 

_Staying at El’s tonight._

 

Good to know.

 

Harry groaned a bit and dropped his head back onto the pillow, trying to ignore the insistent pain in his stomach. He was absolutely starving, but getting out of bed seemed like an impossible task. It was the last thing that he wanted to do. He refused to move and, after a while, he fell back to sleep. 

 

***

 

Harry woke up again when it was still dark. He felt around the bed for his phone, wanting to check the time. The bright light of the screen blinded him for a few seconds, causing purple shapes to float around, getting in the way of him seeing the numbers on the screen. He frowned at his phone. The sudden brightness wasn’t helping the fact that he suddenly felt a sharp piercing pain hit his head. Right. Great.

 

It was 6am.

 

He dragged himself out of bed sluggishly. Moving as carefully as he could through the dark room - after the shock of the bright screen, he decided that he _definitely_ didn’t want to turn the lights on. He walked into the hallway, which was less dark, a dim glow of the streetlights creeping in through the windows. He headed straight to the kitchen, picked up a glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold tap water. He downed the drink instantly, pouring himself another immediately. He drank it.

 

‘Headache?’ and amused voice asked. Harry nearly dropped the glass, so startled by the sudden sound, the voice creeping all up his spine, giving him a chill.

 

Harry turned around. He could see Louis was standing there, but barely. Louis was leaning on the frame of the open door, arms crossed, completely relaxed, watching with his usual smirk which Harry could just about make out in the near-darkness.

 

‘Wha—?’ Harry started, frowning, ‘How come you’re awake?’

 

‘Well,’ he started, a little mocking laugh escaping his lips, ’maybe it’s because _someone_ had to bump into every single thing possible on his way here, making a right racket.’

 

‘Oh.’ Harry managed. He really thought he was being quiet. Agile, even. ‘Sorry.’

 

‘Whatever,’ Louis said, but didn’t sound annoyed, ‘been woken up by worse things in the middle of the night.’

 

‘Ugh,’ Harry said, rubbing his eyes partly to get rid of that heavy sleepiness, partly out of annoyance, ‘you keep saying things like that, but I have no clue what the hell you mean. And it’s 6am.’

 

‘Yeah, middle of the night.’ Louis said, the ‘duh’ coming across without the need to be said out loud, ‘and, well, what can I say, it’s true.’ He shrugged. ‘I’ve slept rough. I’ve seen some fucked up shit. My life was all stingy bars, cheap tattoos, ridiculous amounts of booze and sleeping on strangers’ dodgy sofas. That’s what I mean. This,’ he gestured all around himself, as if to encompass the whole flat, ‘this is nice. This is luxury, you know.’

 

Again, Harry’s curiosity sparked.

 

‘Must’ve been cool though, travelling all over. Seeing places.’ He said, sort of in awe. He only left the country once on a school trip to France. But he was eleven and it was only for a day, so it hardly counted as travelling.

 

Louis scoffed, ‘we didn’t really do a lot of sight-seeing kid. our tourist attractions were pretty much limited to grimy bars where we had gigs and getting absolutely wasted with random strangers. As I said, dodgy sofas and fucked up people.’

 

‘Still, it seems interesting. Touring. Playing music.’ Harry said, trying not to get discouraged.

 

‘There really isn’t that much to it.’ Louis said. Harry could just make out that he shuffled stiffly, uncomfortably. His tone seemed colder, ’Don’t feel like talking about the band right now.’ 

 

He turned and left the kitchen, leaving Harry confused and open-mouthed. And empty. He disappeared too quickly. Harry wasn’t ready for the conversation to be over - for him to be gone. 

 

After a moment of just staring at where Louis’ figure used to be, he decided to brave turning on the light. He switched it on and it burned annoyingly for a moment before he got used to it. He made himself a sandwich, feeling starved. After taking a bite, he stopped. Not thinking much about it, he made another one, just like his own, and carried it into the living room, putting it down onto the coffee table wordlessly. He could feel the draft coming from the open window, the smell of cigarettes burning his nose. He doubted Louis even noticed him, being so deep in thought, distant, as he apparently always was while smoking. 

 

After retrieving his own sandwich from the kitchen, he went back to his room, turning on the light as he walked in. He was wondering whether there was a point to trying to get back to sleep. His first lecture was at ten. He laid down nonetheless and fell asleep with the light still on. 

 

***

p.s. Here are some edits of our two lovely Tomlinson boys.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you're enjoying this :)
> 
> if you want to talk to me, my username is annanotesxo on everything (tumblr, twitter, instagram, snapchat)
> 
> xoxo


	3. BURNOUT

Harry dragged himself out of his room at 9:30. Running late again. Not enough time for a shower, he thought. He felt better, but not enough to be enthusiastic about the day ahead.

 

He glanced into the living room quickly, just before leaving. Louis was laying in the exact same position as the day before. Harry sighed, seeing that the room was becoming a massive mess, with all the bottles and cereal boxes and empty wrappers, but he smiled noticing the empty plate where he left the sandwich. He didn’t know why, but it made him feel warm in some way. Like he was appreciated— or acknowledged at least.

 

***

 

Harry walked into the flat in the afternoon, heavy bags of shopping in his hands. 

 

‘I’ve got food!’ he shouted instead of a hello, closing the door behind him with his foot, not letting go of the bags. He got no response. 

 

After setting the bags on the kitchen floor, he stretched and cracked his joints — a great relief after the strain of carrying them.

 

‘Anything good?’ Louis voice came from behind Harry, making him jump.

 

‘Jeez, you scared me.’ Harry said, holding a hand on his chest as if he was actually having some sort of shock induced heart attack.

 

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever.’ Louis replied, standing there, not walking into the kitchen but leaning on the frame of the door just as he had the time they talked before. He was slouching, arms crossed, appearing to lack any sort of concern, or even interest, about anything that was happening. Harry was wondering if this appearing out of nowhere and scaring him was going to become a thing. ‘Anything good?’

 

Hello to you to, Harry thought. Rolling his eyes. He didn’t say it though. 

 

‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged, ‘got some crisps and—‘ but before he was finished talking, Louis had already come up to the bags, clearly having noticed something that grabbed his interest. He picked up a large bag of crisps which Harry mentioned and a six-pack of beer. Then he left the kitchen without another word.

 

Rude. 

 

Harry let out a massive sigh, shaking his head in disbelief. Well, actually, it wasn’t really disbelief because that was exactly what he should have expected; it was more of a feeling of exhaustion. He was tired from the day and the shopping and most definitely dealing with Louis — brief as it was.

 

While he was unpacking the food, he was having an internal monologue going on in his head — seeping with sarcasm. Oh hi, Harry. Thanks for letting me stay here, that’s really nice of you. You’re such a considerate person. Oh, don’t worry about it. It’ no problem at all. Really? Because I know that I am annoying as hell. How about I help you with unpacking these and actually be of some kind of use? Oh, thanks, Louis that would be a great help. It’s nothing really, since you’re being so patient with me. Don’t worry about it, I’m just doing what I can. Yes, I know, and I appreciate it so much. Thanks—

 

His imaginary conversation got interrupted by Louis’ sudden reappearance.

 

‘What the hell are you doing?’ He asked, looking at Harry as if he was going mad. Harry realised that he was probably doing a lot of gesticulating, and probably mouthing the words along as he was thinking them, the realisation making his face burn red with embarrassment. Before he could say anything though, Louis just shook his head, his expression turning back into disinterest, ‘Whatever, you do you. Can I borrow your laptop?’

 

Harry took a few seconds to compose himself before answering the question.

 

‘Yeah, sure,’ he shrugged with a sigh, just wanting to get away from this situation, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

 

Louis followed him to his room.

 

‘Well, isn’t this lovely.’ He said with a smirk, looking at the room from where he stood in the doorway. 

 

Harry’s room was bright and, apart from the disorganised desk and the bed that he didn’t have time to make in the morning, pretty neat. What drew Louis’ attention in particular were the all the framed photos of Harry with his mum and sister, with other relatives, with friends and, more strangely, one posing with a dolphin, grinning so widely that sweet, deep dimples were showing.

 

Louis walked a few steps into the room to pick up that last photo and look at it more closely. 

 

When Harry turned around and saw him with the photo, he grabbed it from his hands without saying anything and handed him the laptop in its place. It wasn’t an angry movement. He just didn’t want him touching his stuff. Judging. Mocking.

 

‘Okay then,’ Louis chuckled as he walked away, back to the living room which he seemed to have claimed as his own.

 

'Thanks for letting me use you laptop, that’s so nice of you,' Harry mumbled to himself as soon as Louis was out of earshot.

 

He really needed some time to relax now. Like a long, much needed shower to wash some of that stress that had been gathering since Louis first appeared at their door away.

 

***

 

After a long, long shower, Harry finally felt fresh. He shivered a bit as the cold air in the bathroom hit him when he came out of the shower, but even that felt refreshing. Having that little break from the world felt great and he really loved the smell of his favourite hair conditioner — and yeah, obviously he had a favourite hair conditioner, those beautiful curls really needed some lovin’.

 

He put on an old t-shirt and some joggers when he got back to his room, before walking towards the loud, angry music coming from the living room.

 

He stopped abruptly in the doorway when he saw Louis was standing there, only wearing boxer-briefs, in the process of putting on some very tight black skinny jeans. His jaw dropped slightly at the unexpected sight.

 

He was staring. He knew he was totally staring. But he just couldn’t look away as he watched Louis jump up and down a few times as he was pulling the jeans over his thighs and bum. And he sure had a nice behind. Harry couldn’t help looking at Louis, at his bare back and his bare chest — well, apart from the tattoos. He didn’t even know he found tattoos hot until then. But he did now. He didn’t realise he found Louis… shit, he thought Louis was hot. And the thought that invaded Harry’s mind, that was spinning around inside, impossible to ignore, the thought that maybe, if he walked in just a few seconds earlier, he might’ve walked in on Louis being completely naked, didn’t help.

 

Was that weird? To find his best friend’s _twin brother_ hot? It was definitely weird, he decided. Buthe never thought about Will this way and it was really messing with his head. Louis was so different from Will though - they were far from identical, really.Looking at their bodies alone, it would be unlikely that anyone could even tell that the two were in any way related. While Will was more athletically built, constantly working out, Louis was much skinnier but, obviously, the most striking difference were the tattoos. 

 

Just then, Louis turned around to pick up a t-shirt and noticed Harry. He seemed completely oblivious to the boy’s presence prior to then.

 

‘You know, it’s rude to stare.’ He said with a smirk.

 

‘No, I—‘ Harry mumbled, he realised it was absolutely pointless to deny the fact that, yes, he was staring. Instead, he cleared his throat awkwardly and said, ‘I was just, um, looking at your tattoos.’ 

 

‘Right.’ Louis said, clearly not convinced, still smirking. 

 

Harry was definitely going red now.

 

‘Well, ‘m afraid the show is over.’ Louis said pulling on his t-shirt. It was another black one with a band’s logo that Harry didn’t really recognise. Louis turned around and walked to a pile of clothes that he didn’t pack away once they dried, having just dropped them in a chaotic pile on top of his duffel bag instead. He was moving really quickly now; he grabbed a hoodie and, as put it on, continued talking, ’I’m going out. Seeing some friends.’

 

‘Oh,’ Harry just managed, still dazed. And embarrassed. Especially since his eyes were still following Louis intently.

 

‘Do you have a tenner I can borrow by any chance?’ Louis asked casually, grabbing his jacket. 

 

‘Um—‘ Harry had to take a few seconds to process the question. Everything seemed to be moving at incredible speed and he couldn’t quite catch up. ‘Uh, sure.’

 

‘Great,’ Louis said. He turned to Harry then and, looking at this with urgency in his eyes, ushered him out of the room adding, ’well, go get it then.’

 

The conviction in Louis’ voice, his confidence, was so surprising that it made Harry go along with it, just like the first time when he moved out of the way as Louis barged past him and into his home. He just didn’t know how else to react, so he just went with it.

 

Louis was just done putting his worn-out vans on, when Harry got back with his wallet in hand.

 

‘I only have a twenty.’ He said, taking the note out with some uncertainty.

 

‘Even better.’ Louis said, snatching it out of his hand. ‘I’m gonna be back late.’ He added, opening the door.

 

‘Um,’ Harry didn’t know what to say exactly, but he didn’t get a chance, because the door was already slammed shut behind Louis.

 

Well, that was weird, Harry thought to himself after a minute of just standing there, watching the door. He walked slowly back to the living room. It seemed so empty without Louis there. Empty and a massive mess.

 

He changed the music to something less aggressive, let out a massive sigh and, feeling an incredible need to do something, began tidying the place. He knew Will was pretty messy, but this was something else. It was as if Louis just didn’t even bother at all. Like he had just given up before even trying. Harry was actually surprised by the amount of bottles that lay there, abandoned. Louis must’ve gone through all they had. Did Louis really just sit there, drinking all day, looking at the tv without really  _watching_ it? Was that all he did?

 

He started folding up Louis’ clothes for him — he just couldn’t help it — when he heard the sound of the door to the flat being slammed shut. Surely, it couldn’t be Louis? He didn’t have a key.

 

He got up and walked towards the sound. When he got there, he saw a rather annoyed Will, taking his shoes off. 

 

Of course it was him. _He lived there._

 

‘Hey,’ Harry said quietly, unsure of how he should act since the last time he saw Will the guy was having a massive breakdown because of his brother’s sudden reappearance.

 

‘Is he here?’ Will just asked quickly. He sounded a bit out of breath.

 

‘No, he left.’ Harry replied.

 

‘What?’ This time, Will’s voice was louder, higher. His face scrunched up into a frown with a look of surprise. Panic, even.

 

‘Oh, no, he just went to see his friends. He’s not _gone_ gone.’ Harry said quickly, realising his awkward phrasing.

 

‘Oh.’ Will let out a sigh of relief, then, with a stronger, surer voice, added, ‘Good.’ 

 

They stood there in silence for a while.

 

‘I just came for my football stuff.’ Will said. 

 

‘So, you don’t even want to talk to him?’ Harry asked, slightly frustrated at his friend for abandoning him, leaving him so that he had to deal with Louis on his own.

 

‘Well, he’s not here now, is he?’ Will replied, a little resentment in his voice. Harry didn’t think it was towards him though. At least he hoped so. His friend was clearly stressed and making it worse wasn’t exactly his intention.

 

Still, he had to say _something,_ ’You know what I mean. You’ve completely avoided any interaction with him so far.’

 

Will looked down at the floor, avoiding eye-contact, ‘I know, I know. It’s just a bit much, you know.’

 

‘Yeah, I get you’re upset, but you can’t just avoid him. He’s here, and he’s here for a reason. Whatever it is.’

 

Will nodded slowly, unenthusiastically. ‘I know. I’ll deal with him. I’ll come back when he’s here.’

 

‘Good.’ Harry said, really hoping that he will.

 

‘How is he then?’ Will asked looking up at Harry.

 

‘Honestly?’ Harry laughed lightly, ‘he’s a bit of a dick.’

 

‘Ugh. It’s all these band people, you know? He wasn’t like that before he started spending time with that crowd. He used to be a bit quiet and reserved maybe, but it seems that after he met them he just completely stopped caring about other people.’ Will said bitterly.

 

‘Right.’ Harry replied. He didn’t know what Louis was like before he joined his band. He didn’t know much about the band at all. Louis sure was elusive. ‘He’s not much for sharing, so I wouldn’t really know.’

 

Neither of them said much for a while. It was weird — they never used to shut up before. There were no awkward silences. Ever. They used to get each other. They knew exactly what to say. They had more inside jokes than people could comprehend. Louis had gotten in the way of that.

 

But why exactly? It wasn’t just his presence in itself — it was the fact that there was this loss of trust all of a sudden between them. If Will could keep such a massive secret from Harry, then what else could he have been dishonest about? They were always open about everything with each other. They never felt the need not to be. 

 

Harry missed it. 

 

‘I really miss you, man.’ He said quietly, letting out a sad sigh.

 

‘I know.’ Will said, ‘Same here. I’m gonna try to swing by more.’

 

‘You know you live here, right?’ Harry chuckled. ‘You should come back, not visit.’

 

‘Yeah, I know.’ Will sighed loudly, a mixture of exhaustion and defeat, ‘I’ll come by on Sunday.’

 

‘Okay.’ Harry nodded in response. It wasn’t much, but it was _something_. After a moment, he added, with another quiet laugh. ‘Didn’t you come here to pick something up?’

 

‘Shit, yeah. Better hurry back too. It’s already ten. El won’t be too happy that I’m taking so long.’ He half-ran past Harry and to his room.

 

Harry waited in the hallway until he came back.

 

‘See you Sunday then?’ Harry asked, making sure that Will was not going to just weasel out of it.

 

‘Yeah, promise.’ Will said, ‘Now come here.’

 

He pulled Harry into a quick tight hug, slapping his back a few times with what Harry considered unnecessary force. Everything felt momentarily normal.

 

‘See ya,’ Will said once they broke out of the embrace, opening the door.

 

‘See ya,’ Harry replied as the doors closed.

 

 

***

 

After tidying the whole living room — perhaps even over-doing it a bit — Harry sat down watching the tv, waiting. For some reason, he felt really uneasy. Worried. He knew that it wasn’t even late yet. It was hardly past midnight. That was nothing on a Friday night. He hardly ever came home before 3am on nights out with friends. But it was always more difficult when you were the one waiting.

 

At 2am, Harry switched off the tv and went to his room. He picked up his laptop, deciding that it was the perfect time to do some google searching. He was actually really surprised with himself for not doing this earlier.

 

He typed in ‘Louis Tomlinson’. He didn’t find much. Harry knew that Louis didn’t have a Facebook. If he had, he would’ve definitely known about his existence. All he found was one old article for a school newsletter about a band winning some talent show in their town, with a very young, very not-punk Louis. Oh, he so badly wanted to use this to make fun of the guy, but then Louis would know that he was creeping on him on the internet.

 

So he moved on. 

 

‘The Rogue’ he searched. Now, this gave some more results.

 

He found a twitter. It was really weird. Their banner and account photo were completely black - no picture or anything, just black. The bio and the last tweet both said ‘Sorry guys. The Rogue are no more. It’s been a fun ride, but nothing lasts forever. All shows cancelled.’

 

Weird. Harry knew that the band split up, but this looked rather sudden. And dramatic. And totally sounded like something that Louis would have said.

 

The tweets before were so different in tone as well. He scrolled down from the newest ones.

 

_GOING TO AN ACTUAL PROPER FANCY RECORDING STUDIO TOMORROW. new stuff on the way !!_

 

_Whoever left ALL of their clothes behind, golden man-thong included — what is wrong with you man??_

 

_Whoever left the black lacy bra behind last night — too bad, it’s @Tommo_The_Rogue ’s now !! He loves it._

 

_Whoever left the kick ass skateboard behind last night — too bad it’s ours now !!_

 

_GETTING ABSOLUTELY FUCKED TONIGHT. CELEBRATING THE ROGUE STYLE !!_

 

_if you want to see us in your town, let us know! As long as we have an audience+a place to stay+loads of alco, we’re down for it !!_

 

_Last night of Warped Tour done! It’s been messy. It’s been fun. s/o to all who came !!_

 

_“Not gonna lie, we look like massive twats, but at least the music doesn’t suck” — review from our very own @Tommo_The_Rogue_

 

_#MESSY_

 

And many, many more evidencing a very ‘messy’, very alcohol and drug oriented life. How a band goes from ‘new stuff on the way’ to ‘The Rogue are no more’ in three days was a massive mystery to Harry though. He really wanted to know, but he was painfully aware that chances of Louis telling him were extremely slim. Especially since he didn’t want to make it seem like he was invading his privacy. But he wasn’t really invading his privacy if all that he was looking at was public, right?

 

He also went on Louis’ own twitter which was full of talk about music he didn’t know and mocking remarks to his other bandmates.

 

Harry found a video of them on youtube. It was from a year ago. A dark haired, really attractive, really noticeably high guy, shouted ‘As always, we’re gonna start with a good old Green Day cover. This is [‘Burnout’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LoGyNRk_wg).’ Quick, loud guitar and drums started to play as the guy, which Harry remembered must’ve been Zayn, screamed out the lyrics. There was something about his presence that just drew you in. How exactly the band made a song about being tired of a mundane life so energetic and exciting, Harry really didn’t know, but it sure drew him in.

 

He played the song again, this time concentrating only on Louis. Louis, who seemed completely disinterested in the people in front of him, jumping and shouting the lyrics back at them. Louis, who seemed completely at one with his guitar, as if they existed on the same plane, that the others just couldn’t reach. When choruses came along, he moved to the mic, singing his parts with just as much concentration. 

 

Louis’ eyes only broke away from his own world when they turned towards Zayn. Zayn who drew in all the stares. Including his. He was the only one there who seemed able to draw Louis’ attention away from his own little place where nothing else seemed to exist. Unsurprising really. The frontman really did have this quality about him that was inescapable. If Harry wasn’t so concentrated on watching Louis, he probably would’ve been consumed by his intense presence too. 

 

After a few plays, Harry frowned with another question that rose up on top of all the others regarding Louis. If Louis was so at one with his music, how was it that he had not seen him even touch that guitar of his? Not even once? For some reason it troubled him.

 

Then he noticed the time on the screen.

 

4am.

 

Harry realised that he was becoming quite worn out, his muscles ached a bit from lack of sleep. His eyes were getting a bit cloudy, dry, from staring at the screen for hours. He sure was glad that it was a Saturday and he had no lectures or seminars to get to in the morning. 

 

He went to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, then returned to the task of trying to find out more about his elusive honorary flatmate. 

 

5am.

 

Well, he did say he was gonna be back late, Harry thought to himself. He was getting really drowsy, fighting the urge to just doze off. But, no. He was determined to stay awake.

 

About half an hour later, he heard the doorbell ringing. It was a constant, annoying, sound — clearly being pressed over and over and over. And over.

 

Harry got up from where he sat at his desk.

 

‘Alright, alright’ he shouted when he was getting close to the door. The doorbell was still getting pressed repeatedly.

 

When he opened the door, Louis, clearly having been using it to keep himself upright, almost pushed Harry over as he fell onto him. Harry, somehow managing to avoid falling to the ground, held Louis upright as best as he could, assessing the situation. Oh, he really was a mess.

 

Harry more dragged him rather than led him into the flat, closing the door behind them with a kick. 

 

Shit. It wasn’t the first time he had to deal with a nearly comatose drunk friend, but even so, this was not going to be fun.

 

Harry slung Louis’ arm over his shoulder to set him upright and help him to the sofa. The movement apparently did not agree with Louis’ insides because, out of nowhere, he completely emptied the contents of his stomach onto Harry’s shirt. 

 

Shit. Fuck. No. Why. 

 

‘Ugh,’ Harry just groaned. Then, in a calmer, more caring tone said, ‘Come on, lets get you cleaned up. Get us both cleaned up.’

 

After stumbling around to the bathroom, Harry set Louis down against the wall in close proximity to the toilet — just in case.

 

He took the very vomit-covered t-shirt off and chucked it in the sink. He’ll deal with that later. He grabbed a towel and wet it in some warm water, then walked back to Louis. He kneeled down next to him and softly wiped off any vomit off his face. Louis' eyes were barely opening as he blinked slowly at Harry and when they did, they didn't really focus on anything at all, just stared hazily. It was almost as if he wasn't even there. His head kept dropping down, as if it was too heavy and his neck was giving it no support.

 

‘It’s alright. You’re gonna be fine.’ He sighed softly. 

 

How the hell did he even get back in this state? Harry thought quite concerned. 

 

‘Now.’ He said more seriously. ‘Are you gonna throw up more? Be honest.’

 

Louis squinted his eyes and groaned a bit, which could be interpreted either way, really.

 

Harry put his hands on either side of Louis’ face, steading his head and making him look straight at him. Still, the eyes, red and blurry, struggled to focus.

 

‘Are you going to vom all over me again?’ He said slowly.

 

‘No.’ Louis replied, his voice hoarse and nearly inaudible.

 

‘Great.’ Harry smiled. ‘You ready to get up?’

 

‘I don’t want to.’ Louis said a bit pathetically, in that drunken-childish way.

 

Harry laughed softly. ‘You can lay back down in the living room once we get there.’

 

Louis groaned again, but let himself be pulled up and led to the sofa.

 

Why do drunk people seem to weigh at least twice as much as they do when sober? Harry thought as he half-carried Louis.

 

He dropped Louis on the sofa with an exhausted sigh, then began to take his soaked Vans off. He put a pillow under Louis’ head and grabbed the blanket to put over him. Louis was completely silent and compliant through all of that, but he started shivering a bit. 

 

‘It’s so cold.’ He whined quietly. 

 

Harry went to grab another blanket, when Louis grabbed his wrist. 

 

‘Don’t go.’ He sounded a panicked, his eyes wide.

 

‘I’m just gonna get a blanket, I’ll be back in a sec.’ Harry explained softly, bit concerned about the sudden worry in Louis’ eyes. He, himself, was still shirtless and also beginning to feel really cold.

 

‘No. Please don’t leave me.’ He looked sad. Scared.

 

Harry hesitated. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t help noticing that this was the first time that Louis actually said ‘please’ since he asked him him to convince Will to let him stay with them that first night, so it felt important. More important than it might have seemed.

 

‘Okay.’ He finally said, ‘How about I grab something of yours to wear, from just over there.’ He gestured to the duffel bag of clothes that he had neatly folded some hours ago. Louis glanced to where he was pointing, a few feet away. ‘I’m not gonna leave.’

 

‘Okay.’ Louis’ voice seemed tiny. He let go of Harry’s wrist, watching him as he walked and looked through the clothes.

 

Harry couldn’t see much, the light coming from the hallway not being much help. He grabbed at what looked like a white t-shirt for himself. Thankfully, he found a hoodie and a sweatshirt in there too. He put the hoodie on quickly before turning back to Louis.

 

‘Put this on.’ He said, handing the sweatshirt to Louis who was still staring tentatively.

 

Louis followed the instruction, albeit with some difficulty. Once he lay back down, Harry tucked him into the blankets with care and started turning round to go and sit down on the armchair — since he was asked to stay — but Louis’ hand grabbed him again by his wrist.

 

‘No. You said you’d stay.’ He protested with a very troubled frown on his face. 

 

‘Well, yes. I was just gonna sit down over there.’ Harry explained, pointing to the armchair. 

 

Louis looked from him to the armchair then back again.

 

‘No. No.’ he said urgently. ‘Just stay here, please don’t leave.’

 

Harry waited for a moment. Confused.

 

‘You want me to stay _right here_? Like sit on the floor or something?’ He asked, ‘Really?’

 

Louis just stared in response. Something about the look in his eyes, a mix of sadness and panic and hope, made Harry feel like he just _had to_ stay. 

 

‘Fine.’ He sighed heavily, sitting down on the floor next to the sofa. He wondered how long he would have to stay there for before it was okay to leave. Louis’ hand was still wrapped tightly around his wrist. ‘You can let go now, I’m not going anywhere.’

 

Louis didn’t though.

 

‘Okay then.’ Harry said, trying to sit more comfortably, leaning on the sofa and, in result, his head resting on Louis’ torso. He’ll have to let go eventually, so he just has to wait, right?

 

Louis did let go of Harry’s wrist eventually, but by that time they had both dozed off. Instead, Harry’s hand was resting on Louis’ chest with Louis’ hand on top of it, holding it lightly.

 

***

 

Louis was the one who woke up first, but as soon as he stirred, Harry sat up straight, wide eyed, blinking away the drowsiness of sleep.

 

‘What the—‘ Louis asked frowning, his eyes squinting as if everything was too bright or too confusing, but probably both. His voice was hoarse and quiet, ‘What are you doing here?’

 

‘You were in really bad shape yesterday.’ Harry said simply, in a deep sleepy voice, stretching, ‘and you asked me to stay.’

 

‘And you did? You sat here all night?’ Louis looked at him sceptically. Seeming almost accusatory in some weird way. ’Why the hell would you do that?’

 

‘Well, you were in a really bad shape,’ Harry repeated with a shrug, as if it really was that simple, ‘and you asked me to stay.’

 

It only made Louis frown more. ‘I don’t get it — makes no sense. Even if I asked, why the hell would you stay? That’s not normal.’ 

 

‘You were a real mess. I was worried.’ Harry replied simply. 

 

‘Why? You don’t even know me.’ 

 

‘I don’t know. Maybe because I’m just a decent person who cares about other people’s wellbeing? Is that really so hard to believe?’ Harry replied, frowning. A little part of him hoped that Louis might actually be grateful, but instead he was questioning him?

 

‘You don’t have to take care of me.’ Louis said. 

 

‘Well, I did yesterday.’ Harry said, standing up, not wanting to get more upset in front of Louis. What happened? Yesterday he wanted him by his side so badly and now he refused to even consider the mere idea of Harry wanting to help him?

 

‘Hey, don’t get pissy.’ Louis said, stopping Harry in his tracks. ‘I’m not trying to offend you or whatever. I just don’t get it.’

 

Harry sighed, relaxing a bit. He wasn’t annoyed now, he was sad. He was sad, because he couldn’t help wondering what had to happen to Louis to make him so cynical that he doesn’t even understand that someone would just like to help him when he’s in trouble?

 

‘Well, you’re gonna have to deal with it, if you’re planning on staying here, because I have this crazy habit of wanting to help people I know when they arrive at my door completely fucked up and covered in vomit.’ He shrugged, and, with a little laugh, added, ‘I can’t help it.’

 

‘Okay then.’ Louis replied, seeming to accept the answer as adequate. 

 

It was quiet for a moment before Louis looked back at Harry and frowned again. This time he was more amused, but still really puzzled, as he asked, ’Why are you wearing my clothes?’

 

Harry looked down, remembering. He was wearing a dark grey hoodie, with a white top underneath with ‘The Rogue’written in plain black letters on it.

 

‘I’m a big fan of the band, apparently.’ Harry shrugged, with a silly grin.

 

‘Yeah, that’s official The Rogue merchandise. Limited edition.’ Louis laughed, ‘Why the hell are you wearing it though?’

 

‘You puked all over me.’ Harry explained. ‘My t-shirt is actually still in the bathroom sink, if you want proof.’

 

‘Oh.’ Louis, nodded with a chuckle. ‘So you decided to seek revenge by stealing my clothes?’

 

‘No, actually, you wouldn’t let me leave the room.’ Harry retorted.

 

‘Huh? Why would I do that?’ Louis asked with a frown.

 

‘I don’t know, but you did and I stayed and then you wake up and have a go at me!’ Harry laughed because, by then, the whole ordeal really did seem rather bizarre.

 

‘And so we’re back to the start.’ Louis shook his head, but chuckled quietly. ‘I don’t want to think about any of this anymore. It’s giving me a headache and I feel sick.’

 

‘I don’t think that’s what’s giving you a headache, dear. I’m pretty sure it’s all the alcohol and whatever else you had last night.’ Harry said, ‘To be honest, I don’t even know how you got back here last night.’

 

‘Got a ride from a friend.’ Louis replied matter-of-factly. His voice returned from amused and jokey, to the usual dull, dry tone.

 

Harry took it as a sign that the conversation, that short lighthearted moment when they actually made jokes and laughed together, was over. He felt a bit disappointed. Then he got annoyed at what Louis said. ‘Got a ride from a friend’. Right. What sort of friend just leaves someone in that state? Actually, what sort of friend even lets someone get to that state? 

 

But he didn’t say any of that.

 

‘Do you want like, water or something?’ Harry asked instead. Running his fingers through his curly hair, awkwardly. 

 

Louis looked up, looking a bit out of it, as if the question dragged him back to the real world from— where exactly?

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ He replied, with a shrug.

 

Harry walked to the kitchen and filled up a massive glass with cold water. He also grabbed some paracetamol while he was there, thinking ahead.

 

He walked back to the living room, where Louis was sat, seemingly not having moved by a single millimetre. The sound of Harry coming into the room apparently pulled Louis out of whatever place he was lost in again, causing him to look up.

 

Harry held out the two items in front of Louis, who took them slowly, carefully.

 

‘Thanks.’ He said quietly, not making direct eye contact but looking in Harry’s direction.

 

Harry was so surprised that Louis actually thanked him for something, that he didn’t move for a few seconds. But then he snapped out of it and remembered the vomit-shirt waiting for him in the sink. He groaned quietly before turning to leave the room.

 

‘You can keep the shirt.’ Louis said quietly, making Harry turn back towards him. 

 

‘Huh?’ was all he managed, confused — his thoughts were still on the vom-shirt, so he didn’t really get what Louis meant.

 

‘The shirt.’ Louis looked up at Harry, gesturing to the t-shirt he was wearing. Oh. ‘You can keep it. I don’t want it.’

 

‘Thanks?’ Harry said, unsure of what to make out of this. 

 

‘I want the hoodie back though.’ Louis said, looking away and taking a big gulp of the water that Harry gave him.

 

Harry took the hoodie off slowly and lay it on the sofa next to Louis, then left, feeling very weird after that exchange. He didn’t really know why Louis decided to give him the t-shirt. He didn’t know if that was in any way significant to him. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of it because he didn’t want to think about his band splitting up. Probably. Still, Harry liked that he had it. He didn’t know why he liked it so much, but he did.

 

And then he came into the bathroom and was greeted with the lovely smell of vom-shirt. And life sucked again.

 

 

***

 

 

Once Harry was done, he went back to the living room to check on Louis. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, even though he probably should have learnt that this was exactly the sort of thing that he should expect of Louis by that time.

 

‘Are you for real?’ Harry scoffed at the sight of Louis, sitting in his favourite position on the sofa, beer can in hand, empty bowl of cereal on the coffee table, tv on.

 

Louis looked up lazily, then shrugged.

 

Harry didn’t really know what to say, so he decided to go back to his room, so he could finally be able to lay down in a comfy bed and be able to avoid whatever the hell was going on with Louis. It exhausted him and stressed him out. As he was walking out, Louis spoke,

 

‘You done in the bathroom?’ He asked, ‘I need a shower.’

 

‘Yeah.’ Harry said, annoyed, and left. 

 

Seriously, what was up with that boy?

 

 

***

 

A couple hours later, a loud knocking woke Harry up from a nap he was taking to catch up on the lost hours of sleep, courtesy of Louis Tomlinson.

 

The doors opened before he even got a chance to answer. He rubbed at his sleepy eyes and, seeing Louis standing there, groaned frustrated, dropping his head back on the pillow.

 

‘What do you want?’ He asked, his words muffled by the fact that he was talking into the pillow, rather than to the guy standing in his doorway.

 

‘Sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep, but I need your laptop again.’ Louis said plainly, as if completely unaware of the fact that he had just completely disregarded someone’s privacy by barging into their room like that.

 

Harry had two issues with that request. One, it probably meant that Louis was going to make plans with his so-called friends again. Two, Harry just remembered that he probably has about thirteen tabs open with all of his internet searches about Louis, which would be extremely awkward for him to see.

 

Oh, actually, there was a third one. Louis, as expected, didn’t say please.

 

Fantastic.

 

‘I’ll give it to you in a few minutes, okay?’ Harry said slowly.

 

‘Yeah, whatever. Just make it quick.’ Louis replied, walking out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

 

For fucks sake. The things I have to deal with, Harry thought.

 

He moved out of his bed and to his desk where his laptop was. All his movements were sluggish and he let out a massive, over-exaggerated sigh. He closed all of the tabs with his Louis searches and cleared his history from the night before. He felt a bit weird that he felt the need to be this secretive, but he didn’t want to seem like a creep.

 

He didn’t care to get dressed to just walk to the living room, so he stayed in just his boxers, ready to get back to bed as soon as he gave Louis his laptop. He was used to walking around like that when there were no guests over at their flat.

 

As soon as he walked into the living room, however, he could feel Louis’ eyes looking him up and down. He pretended not to notice, though he definitely regretted not getting dressed because it felt strange to be watched like that.

 

Louis was looking at him with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

 

‘You’re welcome.’ Harry said coldly, with a sarcastic smile, as he handed Louis the laptop. He was ready to turn around and leave.

 

‘For the laptop or the show?’ Louis chuckled. 

 

Something about his expression, his little smirk, made Harry feel like he was in one of them nightmares where you get to school and realise you’ve got no clothes on. He wondered if Louis felt like that when he noticed Harry watching him get dressed the day before. Probably not, he didn’t really seem bothered at all. Still, Harry felt like he was on display, being judged. 

 

But what did it even matter what Louis thought about his body anyway? Why would he even care about what he thinks?

 

Harry glared at Louis in response, before walking out.

 

‘Looking good, kid. No need to leave.’ Louis laughed after Harry, causing him to turn completely red. Thankfully, Louis couldn’t see that because he was already out of the room.

 

 

***

 

A couple hours later, feeling much less annoyed, Harry got dressed in his most comfy joggers and a random old t-shirt before leaving his room. He made himself a nice hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows, and some toast to fill his empty tummy, and he was feeling very warm and homey. Very serene.

 

He rushed back to his room to avoid contact with Louis, not wanting for that little bubble of peace to be broken.

 

***

 

Not having his laptop to distract him, Harry ended up actually doing some research for his coursework. This mainly meant highlighting massive passages from his textbook and copying them nearly word for word, because it ‘all seemed important’.

 

But evening came and it was time for dinner. So he got up and wearily headed to the living room.

 

‘I’m making spaghetti, do you want some?’ He asked casually once he got there.

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Louis said, not moving his eyes from the laptop screen. 

 

Okay then.

 

Some time later, just when Harry was finished cooking and started putting the food onto plates, Louis walked into the kitchen. His sudden appearance made Harry jump, as usual.

 

He was completely dressed in his all-black get up, shoes and jacket on. He looked rushed, frenzied almost.

 

‘Hey, I’m going out. Do you have any more cash?’ He said, sounding all worked up.

 

Harry frowned, ‘I just got the food ready.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah, but I have to go _right now_.’ Louis said quickly, with intense urgency.

 

‘You don’t even have fifteen minutes to sit down and eat?’ Harry said. 

 

‘No, my friends are waiting.’he replied, ‘So, do you have money?’

 

Harry let out a little groan as he started walking to his room. Why was he even doing this? Helping him to just go out and get wasted again?

 

‘Are these the same friends as yesterday?’ He asked somewhat bitterly.

 

‘Yes and no. Just got stuff to get sorted.’ The urgency in Louis’ voice made Harry a bit uneasy.

 

‘Right.’ Harry said, grabbing his wallet. He turned around to face Louis, who was staring expectantly. ‘Do you at least have a number or something, so I can know you’re alright?’

 

Louis frowned, as if that was the most ridiculous thing he’s heard, ‘Why, why’d you want it? I don’t need you to baby me.’

 

Harry sighed, ‘I don’t want to baby you, just want to know you’re okay. Is that so wrong?’

 

‘I’m gonna be fine. Stop making a big deal, I need to go.’ Louis answered getting frustrated.

 

‘Listen, I know you have this ‘I don’t give a shit, partying, questionable people, dodgy sofas, cheap tattoos’ thing going on, but as long as it’s _my_ home and _my_ sofa, then I just want to know you’re okay. Deal with it.’ Harry said with conviction.

 

Louis stared at Harry, surprised at his little speech. 

 

‘Uh, I don’t have a phone.’ He said, his voice sounding honest and much calmer than it had during this whole conversation. ‘Literally sold everything I owned, other than my guitar and some clothes, to get a plane ticket back.’

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said, nodding slowly, thinking for a moment. ‘Well, you could’ve said. I definitely have some of my old phones lying around somewhere.’

 

‘Yeah, well, no time for that now.’ 

 

‘Right.’ Harry sighed and, grabbing and tearing a small piece of paper from a notepad which lay on his desk, wrote a number on it quickly, ’Well, have this, at least. Just in case.’ 

 

Louis took it and shoved it into the pocked of his jeans.

 

‘And what about the—‘ He didn’t even finish the question before Harry handed him another twenty pound note. 

 

‘And another thing,’ Harry said quickly, walking out of the room and into the hallway. Louis followed.There was a shelf above the coat hangers and Louis watched as Harry pulled down a small box from it. He opened it, pulling out a small key. He looked Louis deep in the eyes, with a serious expression, ‘So you can get in on your own. Don’t lose it. And you better be sober enough to use it.’

 

Louis stared at the key for a while, as if not even recognising what the thing was.

 

‘You’re giving me a key?’ He said, voice small, a confused frown on his face.

 

‘Convenience.’ Harry responded, then laughed, ‘Just don’t bring the party home.’

 

‘Okay.’ Louis replied, reaching for it slowly. He put it into his pocket with what seemed like great care. He just stood there for a while, quietly.

 

‘Well,’ Harry broke the silence. ‘aren’t you in a rush or something?’

 

‘Yeah.’ Louis jumped out of his little daze suddenly and walked past Harry. ‘I’ll be—‘

 

‘Back late.’ Harry said, waving the words off, ‘yeah, yeah. Whatever.’

 

‘Bye’ Louis said quietly, before closing the doors behind him.

 

Harry walked back to the kitchen to see two portions of spaghetti laying there pathetically. He actually felt really hurt about the food he cooked being rejected and he wasn’t even going to pretend otherwise. He sighed, grabbed his plate and took it to the already messy living room to eat in front of the tv, not caring what was on — or maybe just not being able to concentrate on whatever it was.

 

Harry knew that he gave Louis a key with the pretext that he could let himself in — so that he didn’t have to wait for him or be woken up by him in the middle of the night — but, in all honesty, Harry knew that he would probably still be unable to fall asleep until he knew that he guy had made it back home safely. And that realisation sort of annoyed him, because it wasn’t like that sort of concern for the other was at all reciprocated by Louis. Maybe it was just because Harry was generally a very caring person. Maybe that was it. Nothing more.

 

Right.

 

***

 

At 3am Harry heard the familiar sound of the front door slamming, then some racket following it as Louis, undoubtedly, stumbled into several things on his way to the sofa. Harry sighed with relief, partly because he was glad that Louis got back and partly because his eyelids were really getting very heavy by then and he didn’t know how much longer he could stay awake and wait. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you're enjoying the fic! let me know :)
> 
> also, my username is annanotesxo on everything, so if you want to follow me on twitter, tumblr, instagram, whatever, please do!
> 
> xoxo


	4. SORT YOURSELF OUT

Harry woke up with an unexpected burst of productivity, as well as the realisation that he had not gone for a run in a week. Harry was far from the athletic type, unlike his always-training flatmate, but he enjoyed going for a jog in the cool crisp morning air — it gave him the chance to get away from things and clear his mind.

This morning was particularly cold, the icy air felt as if it was stabbing him with every intake of breath, but it wasn’t at all discouraging. In fact, it seemed to make the run even better. It felt like waking up.

After around forty-five minutes, Harry got back to the flat. When he opened the door the warm air of the flat hit him and he smiled at the thought of going for a nice long shower right after he stretched a bit. He was absolutely soaked from the run, still catching his breath.

He went past the living room, glancing inside, unable to stop himself — it was a habit he had developed over the past few days.

Louis had woken up at some point while Harry was out and was sitting there, just as he did everyday. Harry didn’t know what to think about that anymore. It wasn’t healthy behaviour, of course. It was an inconvenience. Yet, somehow, a part of him got used to it, felt some comfort in the unchanging presence of their guest.

‘Are you drinking spirits before noon?’ Harry asked, noticing the Jack Daniels in Louis’ hand.

Did he really just think that there was a sort of balance or reliability in the guy’s presence? Because now he remembered that the only real constant was Louis constantly surprising him — and rarely in a good way. The guy really was in a bad state, wasn’t he?

‘You ran out of beer.’ Louis explained, completely unfazed by Harry’s sudden presence, looking up at him slowly.

‘I’m getting concerned about your health, you know?’ Harry said, jokingly. Well, at least it was meant to be nonchalant, but there actually was some weight behind him.

‘Right.’ Louis scoffed. Then, looking Harry up and down, raising an eyebrow, said, ‘Are you a little health-freak then?’

‘Well, compared to you, who isn’t?’ Harry laughed.

Louis laughed quietly, ‘Touché, I guess.’

Why are you like this? Harry wanted to ask, but decided he maybe shouldn’t try to get into that. At least not right at that moment.

And he really needed that shower.

‘Anyway. I’m gonna go shower.’ Harry said simply.

‘Want me to join you?’ Louis winked with a smirk.

He winked. He fucking winked.

Harry tensed up completely. Louis was obviously trying to make him uncomfortable, he seemed to enjoy Harry squirm.

‘No.’ he answered, quickly turning around. He felt really dumb. He felt confused at how the little snarky comment affected him.

Shit. The thought of seeing Louis naked really wasn’t unpleasant at all. And that was the problem. It was wrong, right? He could not fancy his best friends' twin brother. It was wrong. So very, very wrong. Especially since the guy was a mean mess of a person. This was not good.

Any clarity that the run had given him earlier was gone again. Why must Louis bring such a constant feeling of stress onto him?

***

When leaving the bathroom with just a towel around his hips, Harry had the complete intention of dashing into his room quickly to get dressed, but the sound of voices coming from the living room instantly stopped him in his tracks. He walked closer to the room, trying not to be noticed. He recognised who it was immediately. The two Tomlinsons were clearly having a pretty heated discussion.

‘And what, you’re just planning to sit around doing fuck-all, wasting your life here? For how long, exactly?’ Will said with disdain.

‘No, don’t worry, I know you obviously want me out.’ Louis sighed, ‘I mean, you don’t even want to be in your own flat when I’m here. I can tell where I’m not wanted.’

‘Well, what are you doing here then?’ Will asked, raising his voice.

‘I just— I wanted to fix things. I really want to fix things.’ Louis said anxiously.

‘Well, you don’t seem to be doing much at all.’ Will scoffed.

‘I know. It’s just that— that things are a bit hard right now, you know?’ He replied quietly, which seemed to affect Will in some way, because his voice sounded more hesitant when he responded,

‘Hard like, I realised my friends suck and I don’t know how to get a job or a place to stay, or hard like— like things used to be hard? Back when—‘

It was silent for a while after that. Harry didn’t know what that meant.

‘Well, I’m sorry, I just— I’m still so angry, you know? You get that, right? I can’t deal with you right now.’ Will’s voice lacked that venom and coldness from before, being replaced by a more downhearted, low tone. ‘Don’t know what to say. You just have to stop sitting around, wasting your life. I know this sounds harsh, but all this laying around, drinking, doing god-knows-what sort of drugs with your fucked up friends — it’s just like a blunter blade, might take longer but it all ends the same. That’s the reality of it. You have to break out of this somehow. Sort yourself out. I don’t know how, but— you just have to, because I don’t want that for you. You understand that, right?’

Silence.

‘I’m gonna go— grab a few things, then leave. I’ve got nothing else to say to you right now.’ Will spoke again. He sighed loudly, ‘Just do _something_.’

‘Yeah.’ Louis just said, nearly inaudibly.

Harry took this as a cue to jot back to his room as quickly as physically possible, hoping not to have been discovered by the other two. He shouldn’t have been listening in. He felt guilty but, because of that ever-present feeling of being left out and not told anything, he just couldn’t stop himself from taking this opportunity to find out more.

But what new thing has he learnt, really? He already knew that there was more to their relationship, more skeletons in the closet, that he just didn’t know anything about. He knew it was complicated between them and he wasn’t much closer to understanding it. It felt like part of their conversation was completely out of his reach, like he was missing key information. Context.

The thing that he had really noticed while listening in, however, was that they really did seem to care. Louis actually sounded sincere when telling his brother that he wanted to fix things and, under all that anger, Will sounded like he really wanted that too. Even though there seemed to be so much hurt in their past, there was a connection between them that they both longed to get back — even though it was really far from happening. Harry really hoped that they would be able to sort out their problems, their past, and a sense of balance to be restored.

Harry just hoped for peace. For everyone to get along.

 

***

Not long after the conversation that Harry had shamelessly eavesdropped to, someone knocked on his door loudly. He didn’t say anything, expecting the doors to just be swung open and for a certain nuisance of a boy to walk right in without invitation.

But the doors didn’t open.

‘Yeah?’ Harry finally shouted through the door as an invitation to come in, realising that it was Will. He seemed to have completely forgotten that that was even an option. Strange.

Will walked in, closing the door behind him and leaning back on it.

‘Listen, I—’ he sighed. He seemed tired and a bit unnerved. ‘I’m sorry I’ve just disappeared, but, to be honest, I’m sort of shocked that you’re just letting him sit around like that. Just wasting time and being a mess.’

Harry frowned, surprised.

‘I’m not his minder?’ He replied, confused about his friend’s statement. He was a bit offended by the implication that he was doing something wrong, even though he was not at all prepared for the situation or told what to do. 

‘No, I suppose not. But were you really just gonna let him sit around here forever? You should have done something. You’re helping him to destroy himself by not doing anything.’ Will’s voice staggered a bit, as if he was trying to stay calm

The words, even though they were completely unfair, made Harry’s insides clench up a bit making him feel sick. Sure, he was annoyed because Will was blaming him for things that he totally wasn’t prepared for and knew nothing about, but he also felt extremely guilty all of a sudden. He was helping Louis to continue all his bad habits, to stay in this dark hole that he seemed to have dug himself into. He bought him alcohol. He gave him money to go and see his friends who seemed to care very little about what would happen to him. He said nothing about the sitting in front of the tv and doing nothing all day. Harry suddenly felt like he was aiding an addict or something. Like he was intentionally hurting someone.

Except he wasn’t. He did try. He tried to talk to Louis everyday. He didn’t know how to help him or treat him, but he did try. And that counted. It's not like he was given any instructions as to what he should be doing, no one gave him a 'Louis Tomlinson Manual'.

‘I’ve been doing more than you have.’ He said quietly, more bitterly than he expected.

There was a tense silence for a while, before Harry spoke again.

‘I’ll try more. But don’t make it out like I’m the one that’s supposed to make him all better. I don’t know how to treat him. All I can do is talk to him a bit and he’s not too eager to do that. I can’t make him do anything. And it’s not my job.’ Harry said as calmly and evenly as he could manage. It was all true, Louis wasn’t his responsibility and it was unfair of Will to just drop everything on him and hope that things would miraculously get better, but somehow he didn’t really mean it. That is, even though he was making a point of how it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of Louis, he felt this need to do so. He wanted to help him in whatever way he needed. He did feel responsible somehow. Or maybe just interested in his wellbeing. He cared.

‘I know. I know. Sorry, Haz, I’m just unloading, I guess. You’re completely right, I shouldn’t be dropping all this on you. I’m totally being a shitty friend. And brother for that matter. But if you do talk to him then I would be so grateful. I don’t wanna sound all soppy, but you’re a great person and a great friend and you know how to deal with people. He could use someone like you, because none of his other friends seem to give a shit, otherwise he wouldn’t be here, right?’

Harry shrugged, not really knowing what to say.

‘Okay then,’ Will sighed after a while, ‘good luck, I guess? I’ll be back in a couple of days. Sorry again, but I promise I won’t be hiding away for much longer.’

‘Alright,’ Harry nodded.

They exchanged an awkward smile before Will opened the door and left with both of them saying a quick ‘see ya’ as he did so and nothing more.

 

***

Harry sat on his bed for a long time wondering about it all. He didn’t know how to proceed from that point. He hardly knew how to act around Louis anyway and now he was being asked to act as some sort of therapist and pep team? Somehow he thought that would not go down well at all. At all.

Eventually, he left his room deciding to brave an interaction with Louis. He wasn’t going to push any heartfelt conversations right now, the day was already way too tense, but he did want to see him, talk to him. Just like that. No ulterior motive of trying to fix him. And that was strange to him, but he realised it was hardly the first time that he was interested in interacting with the guy, hardly the first time that he cared about what was happening to him. So he just took a deep breath to gather some strength and peered into the living room before entering.

The room was in complete, heavy silence that was only interrupted by the distant sounds of cars that was sneaking into the flat through the slightly opened window. Louis was smoking.

Harry stood there, lingering by the sofa, before saying a cautious, ‘hey.’

‘You could’ve warned me, you know.’ Louis said, without looking his way.

‘Huh?’

‘About him coming.’

‘Oh.’ Harry said dumbly, realising that, yes, that would probably have been a good idea. ‘Sorry, completely forgot.’

Louis scoffed quietly, then took in one last breath of cigarette smoke before flicking the butt out of the window and watching it as it disappeared towards the pavement.

‘So it didn’t go down well?’ Harry asked carefully.

‘Nothing I haven’t heard before.’ Louis just said, walking up to the sofa and sitting down in the spot that has now become unquestionably his.

Harry walked further into the room, leaning on the arm of the armchair.

‘Are you mad at me then?’ he asked, resulting in Louis looking up at him with eyes narrowed slightly, puzzled.

‘For what?’

‘For not telling you he’s coming.’ Harry elaborated.

‘Nah, kid.’ Louis chuckled, ‘we’re cool.’

‘So you’re not gonna like kick me out of my own living room, threatening to beat me up and throwing empty beer bottles at my head or something.’ Harry asked with a quirked eyebrow.

‘That the vibe I give off?’ Louis laughed.

‘Yeah, you definitely seem like you’ve got a record.’

‘Yeah, but mainly for trespassing, maybe some vandalism, nothing too major.’ Louis shrugged, a little smirk appearing on his face when he saw Harry’s eyes widen in surprise. ‘You are an innocent little kid, aren’t ya?’

‘Yeah, whatever.’ Harry rolled his eyes dramatically, before looking away his eyebrows pulling together in deep thought.

‘Jeez,’ Louis laughed, ‘you look like you’re having some serious flashbacks.’

‘Well, believe it or not, I’ve had my own share of drunken antics. I’m not _that_ innocent. First year can get pretty wild.’ He replied with a shrug, feigning nonchalance.

‘Oh yeah? I would love to hear about that.’ Louis smirked.

‘Too bad.’ Harry laughed. ‘Not telling.’

‘Awh.’ He put on the most ridiculous pout, made more so by the fact that it was on his very unshaven, very rough face.

‘Sorry,’ Harry shrugged, but couldn’t help a little grin appearing at the sight of Louis’ silly expression.

‘Fine then, whatever.’ Louis scoffed, looking away. ‘Bet it’s all pretty boring anyway. Bet the worst thing you've ever done was steal a shopping trolley or something.’

‘Hey, if you wanna know my stories, you gotta share some of yours, it’s only fair.’ Harry said with conviction.

‘Maybe some other time.’ He seemed deep in thought for a while, before finally asking, ‘So, you’re in second year now? And you’re two years younger. Shouldn’t Will have graduated by now? How come you’re living together?’

‘Oh, Will is third year.’ Harry answered quickly, surprised by Louis’ sudden interest.

‘So he’s a year behind? What did he have to redo a year or something?’ Louis snickered.

‘No, he took a gap year, you know, to help out with the twins.’ Harry explained.

Louis frowned, a bit confused, ‘Why would he have to stay home for that? The twins are nine?’

‘No,’ Harry laughed, rolling his eyes amused by Louis, ‘the other twins, obviously. You know what, your family really must have some sort of twin gene. I mean, I thought it was weird enough having two sets, but now, finding out there’s three— yeah, definitely some sort of gene thing.’

Louis snorted out a laugh, looking at Harry like he was mental, ‘What are you on about? There’s only two sets of twins in our family?’

Harry frowned, also getting confused, unsure of what Louis meant, ‘why, do you not count the little ones because they’re not identical?’

There was a weird sort of tension between them as each frowned, unable to figure out what the other was saying. Neither of them were making sense to each other.

Then it dawned on Harry. Louis had been gone for three years.

‘Wait,’ he actually gasped, realising what was going on, ‘oh my god. You don’t know about Ernest and Doris.’

Louis was still staring at him, but he was much less amused by the confusion between them now, shifting in his seat with growing apprehension.

‘Who?’

‘I— um,’ Harry hesitated, not knowing exactly how to say it, ‘Doris and Ernest were born when you were gone, they’re your younger brother and sister— and they're twins too.’

‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard you say.’ Louis snorted, laughing the words off, ‘You're making this shit up. What sort of names even are Doris and Ernest?’ he shook his head, but he was frowning, more tense now.

‘They were born after you left, I can’t believe you didn’t know.’ Harry replied with some concern and disbelief, ‘they’re two years old now. Will took a gap year to help take care of them because your dad had that job thing in like Australia or New Zealand or something, so he was gone.’

Louis stared at him silently then, eyebrows drawn tightly together in a distrustful grimace, eyes cold. It looked like he was thinking over the words really hard, assessing them, considering the possibility of them being true.

‘I’m sorry Louis, I had no idea that you didn’t know.’ Harry said softly, noticing the clear internal conflict going on inside the other’s mind.

‘So, you’re saying I have two kid siblings that I had no clue about.’ He finally said bitterly.

‘Yeah,’ Harry replied hesitantly, feeling an uncomfortable tension growing. He didn’t know what Louis would do next. What would he have done if he had just found out he had two siblings he didn’t know about?

Louis stood up slowly, avoiding eye-contact.

‘Excuse me.’ he said flatly, leaving the room.

Harry stared after him, wondering what he was doing, thinking. After a while he got up, unable to continue to just sit there, surrounded by the weird, unspoken tension. He found Louis in the kitchen, leaning back on the countertop, staring at the floor violently.

‘Hey,’ Harry said softly, lacking any better words. Getting no response, he asked, ‘Are you okay?’

Louis didn’t look at him at first, continuing to stare at the floor, clenching and unclenching his fists in slow, regular movements which matched the rhythm of his deep, heavy breaths. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, while his nostrils flared with every intake of breath. It was as if something was being locked in behind them. Somehow, it seemed very loud and very quiet at the same time.

‘Louis?’ Harry asked, taking a small, cautious step forward.

Louis sighed heavily, the repetitive movements of his hands stopping. His face turned from angry to numb.

‘I’ve fucked a lot of things up, you know. Even when I was younger, I was really shit at almost everything— but I was good with them. With my sisters. People didn’t like me, didn't get me - including my parents. Everyone saw me as Will’s brother, you know. The other one. But not my sister’s. They were the only ones who just saw me as me. It felt like they were the only ones who genuinely liked me,’ he laughed dryly. ‘I was a good brother, it was the one good thing about me and now— I didn’t even fucking know I had another little brother and sister! One thing I was actually decent at and I went and fucked that up too.’

Harry’s chest tightened, his whole body seemed to get too tight someone, being crushed by the sight in front of him. Louis was there and he looked tiny again, closed in on himself in the same way as he was when Will was yelling at him. He looked weak. Heartbroken.

‘I miss them.’ He said almost inaudibly. ‘And I can’t see them. Will’s right, I can’t see them.’

Harry frowned, not really understanding, ‘Why not? They must miss you too. Why can’t you go and see them? Meet the little ones?’

‘I can’t go to them like this.’ He said, gesturing to himself. ‘I can’t go to them the way I am now. I am— I don’t want them to see me like this. I’m not ready to see them. I can’t see them because I need to be better— I need to be better because the thought of them seeing me in the state I am— it’s mortifying. They can't see me like this. I’m not ready to face any of them. It’s like I’m nothing - waste of space, I’ve been told - and they deserve _something_.’

Harry was frowning intensely. The way Louis spoke of himself made him feel sick, because he didn’t think that Louis deserved such to be spoken of that way — no one did. He _was_ something. But how could Harry convince him of that? He felt he needed to, but anything he might have said would probably be fought back with a very cold ‘you don’t even know me though’ from Louis.

There was also the little fact that he was _something_ to him. But he definitely was not going to go anywhere near that subject.

But he just looked so defeated, like someone condemned, destroyed.

‘I hate this.’ Louis said in a low, cutting tone. He shook his head, eyes resentful. ‘Everything is so fucked. How did I even get to this point? The a point where I didn’t even know that I have two fucking baby siblings? They haven’t even seen me, they probably don’t know I exist. Fuck.’

He clenched his fists so tight then that his arms began to shake.

‘How did I even get here?’ the words were a nearly nonexistent whisper.

 Harry didn't have any words that might have helped, at least he couldn't find them, so he walked up to Louis. He took his wrist in his hand and pulled him off of the counter and closer to himself, wrapping his arms around him in a tight, sure hug, their bodies pressed together.

‘What are you doing?’ Louis froze, his body tensing, arms straight and pressed into his sides stiffly.

‘Shhh’ Harry just said softly. 'Just go with it.'

‘This is weird’ Louis replied with a stifled, awkward chuckle.

‘Shhh’

It took a while, but Louis relaxed eventually, letting himself be held, even wrapping his arms around Harry hesitantly.

After a while Louis started shifting and at first Harry thought he was trying to squirm out of the embrace, break away, but then he realised that each of the little movements was accompanied by a tiny staggered intake of air. An occasional whimper escaped. He pressed himself closer, wrapping his arms around Louis tighter. He closed his eyes and waited, breathing evenly, calmly, until Louis’ own breath evened out too and matched his. Harry held on for a while longer though, even though Louis seemed to have relaxed by then.

At some point Louis turned his head from facing away from him, to burying himself right into the side of Harry’s neck, resting his forehead against the side of his jaw. Harry was hyperaware of every place where their skin was touching, where Louis’ breath was hitting his skin — it was intoxicating, otherworldly, lulling Harry into some sort of dream-like, safe space.

Louis lifted his head then, resting his chin on Harry’s shoulder, turning his face into his curls.

‘You smell really good.’ He sighed into his ear.

‘It’s my conditioner.’ Harry said softly, with a pleased smile.

‘Oh.’ was Louis reply.

Feeling that the moment was coming to a natural end, Harry began to loosen his grip, slowly letting go.

Louis took a step back. He cleared his throat awkwardly and ran his fingers through his hair before letting out a little snicker and saying, ‘Well, I feel like I’ve just lost like ten man-points.’

‘Man-points?’ Harry chuckled, ‘And how exactly do you measure these man-points?’

‘It’s not an exact science, but I feel like I need to grab a cold beer.’ Louis said with conviction.

Harry laughed, ‘Do we even have any left?’

‘Oh yeah, you’re right, we don’t.’ Louis laughed, ‘That’s why I was drinking spirits before noon.’ He paused to think for a moment. ‘I can go get some more, I’ve gotta pop out for a little bit anyway. Got something that needs to get sorted out, before I can start doing anything else.’

‘Gonna be out late again?’ Harry raised an eyebrow, his insides twisting slightly anxiously. He didn’t want Louis to go out and get #MESSY with his friends again.

‘Nah,’ Louis laughed dryly, ‘all business no fun today, ‘m afraid.’

‘Okay, cool.’ Harry nodded in response. He didn’t really know what he meant, but he felt sort of relieved because it sounded like the chances of Louis coming back a complete mess and throwing up all over him again seemed significantly lowered.

Louis was about to leave the kitchen, when Harry quickly interrupted, remembering something, ‘Would you like me to heat up some of yesterday’s pasta?’

‘Yeah, sure.’ Louis nodded with a small smile.

‘Okay, good’ Harry said with a smile. Then he stopped, crossing his arms and putting on a frown, ‘Will you actually stay and eat it this time?’

Louis looked up at his accusatory expression, chuckling, ‘Yeah, sure. Promise.’

When Harry came into the living room some time later with two plates, Louis was in the process of digging through his duffel bag carefully. He was already dressed to go out, but, as promised, he didn’t run out on Harry this time and they ate with the telly on, watching yet another episode of Friends. It's like that show was always playing somewhere. They didn’t really say anything apart from Louis making some offhand remark about not really having time to watch tv while on the road, which Harry didn’t even ask about further because he expected there wasn’t much point. Then Louis left, a worn out backpack that looked like it could’ve been the child of his duffel bag slung over his shoulder. The bag intrigued Harry because, so far, he had not seen Louis take anything that would not fit into the pockets of his jacket outside with him. He wondered what was in there, but didn’t ask. It probably wasn't any of his business.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, hope you're enjoying it! :)
> 
>  
> 
> feel free to follow me on twitter, tumblr or instagram - annanotesxo on everything! xoxo


	5. THE ROSE&DAGGER

Harry was sitting on his bed, laptop on his lap. He had no lectures that day, so he was slightly at a loss with what he should be occupying his time with. He had given up his attempts to do research for his coursework about an hour before and was now in the process of trying to find a film to watch. He considered inviting Louis to watch it with him, but he didn’t really know how to get around to that. After the previous day, he didn’t quite know where they stand. Were they friends now? Harry didn’t know if you automatically became friends with someone once they end up crying on your shoulder. He decided that maybe keeping back and seeing how things unfold on their own would be the best way to go.

 

Or maybe he was just too chicken to do anything. 

 

So, it was around 7pm and he was just sitting in his room, getting lost in the never ending web of obscure movie trailers on youtube, when there was a loud knock on his door, just milliseconds before Louis barged in through it. He was so unusually upbeat that it almost looked like he had a bit of a skip in his step. Seeming completely unaware of the concept of personal space, a trait Louis had displayed before, he jumped onto Harry’s bed, laying down beside him, propping himself up on his elbows. Harry didn’t move, just stared at him.

 

‘Get up Curly, we’re going out.’ He turned to him with bright, happy eyes, which also had that little glint of something mischievous that made Harry hesitant.

 

‘We are?’ he asked slowly, eyebrows raised.

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis shrugged, smiling, ‘I’m gonna show you my favourite place from back when I used to live here. Played lots of gigs there. Really sick little place. I mean, it’s a bit rough around the edges, but it has charm.’

 

‘Okay?’ 

 

‘Be ready in fifteen minutes, yeah?’ Louis said pushing himself up off the bed. He waited for a response with eager eyes. Harry was completely thrown by the situation and didn’t know what to make out of it, but he nodded a quick ‘yeah, yeah sure’ in reply, making Louis smile triumphantly and walk out of the room, leaving the confused boy behind.

 

Louis looked— happy? Harry didn’t quite know what that meant. He had seen Louis all worked up and energetic before when he was going out to see his so-called friends, but this time he seemed a bit less frenzied, Harry thought, and that reassured him slightly about the idea of being dragged out somewhere to some unknown location that Louis was apparently really attached to. Harry definitely needed that reassurance because the words ‘dodgy clubs’ and ‘questionable people’ kept bouncing around in his head, making him slightly anxious. Still, he wanted to get to know Louis more and this seemed like a big opportunity to learn about a place that seemed important to him. 

 

And _that_ thought is what made Harry get out of bed and change out of the joggers and old t-shirt, infected by Louis’ enthusiasm.

 

****

 

‘Quiz night?’ Louis read outraged, ‘Karaoke? What the hell is this? Fucking “Fancy Dress Fridays”? What?’ He almost yelled the words, frowning.

 

They were standing outside a bar, Louis staring at the itinerary written in chalk on a black board.Harry was, quite unsuccessfully, trying to hold back a laugh, seeing the absolutely appalled expression of Louis’ face. 

 

‘I can’t believe this.’ He said, shaking his head, pointing animatedly, ‘This place used to be _the_ place for new bands. Gigs everyday. I don’t— I don’t understand.’

 

‘Well, it still has band nights on weekends,’ Harry pointed out, gesturing to some line-up posters that were also on display. All of the windows were filled with them, but Louis didn’t seem to acknowledge them, focusing mainly on the chalk letters that caused him great dismay. 

 

‘I can’t believe this.’ Louis just said, this time with a lot of conviction, ‘I’ve gotta have a word with Joan about this. This is— what the actual fuck even is this shit?’

 

Harry just shrugged, unable to stop grinning at Louis’ facial expression.

 

‘We’re going in.’ Louis said decisively, opening the heavy doors.

 

At first, the place looked a lot like an any traditional old pub with big dark wooden tables and a bar with many bottles of spirits and other alcohols displayed, filled with people with pint glasses talking loudly. The walls were either red or poster-covered and the lamps gave out this warm, yellowish light that made the place look old and homey. Harry loved it and stared at it dreamily. He could make out that there was another room extending beyond the front one, but he couldn’t see it clearly from the distance, people standing in the way.

 

‘Louis! My little boy!’ a beautiful, heavily tattooed woman exclaimed from behind the bar, quickly walking from behind the counter and towards the two of them. As soon as he was within arm’s distance, she grabbed Louis by the shoulders and lay two massive, loud kisses on each of his cheeks, Louis squirming a little. Then she pulled him into a tight hug. ‘Where have you been hun’? I’ve not seen you for so long! I heard you went off to travel the world. We’ve missed you around here.’

 

‘Jeez woman, don’t get all soppy all over me.’ Louis laughed, trying to free himself a bit.

 

‘I’m sorry, love. I just missed having you around.’ She pinched his cheek and he grimaced.

 

‘Please, Joan, stop.’ He moved back, trying to swat her arms away. With her treating him like her little kid, Louis looked so much less like the rough and rugged man and more like an angry little hedgehog.

 

Harry was watching this with wide, amazed eyes. 

 

Joan looked young, even though she was probably nearing forty — if not already there. Harry couldn’t tell because she had one of the ageless looks. She had this rockabilly style, with massive curls of jet black hair, heavy but immaculate eyeliner, and a pierced lip which was decorated with loud, bright lipstick — the lipstick that now left two massive red lip-prints on Louis’ cheeks. Her arms were completely covered in tattoos, even more so than Louis’, all of which were done in the bright traditional colours with thick outlines. It was clear that she took great pride in them and for good reason.

Overall, she looked really warm, motherly, but somehow, at the same time, also looked like she could easily kick the ass of anyone who crossed her. 

 

‘Everything’s been so different without you lads around.’ She said, then in a hushed voice and a wink said, ‘You were the my favourite though so I missed you the most.’

 

Louis rolled his eyes at her comment at first, then, remembering the signs outside, frowned and, in a comically outraged, accusatory tone said, ‘Yeah Joan, everything _is_ different apparently. What’s happened to this place? Quiz night? Karaoke? Really? What happened to “Home of Best New Music”? It’s still there, written above the door.’

 

She sighed with a shake of the head, ‘Hey, don’t judge me boy. There just wasn’t enough demand for live gigs every day after you lads left. Most of the customers were all of your crowd, all your filthy, druggie mates — they don’t really come around much nowadays.’

 

Louis still stared at her with narrowed eyes, ‘Seriously? This is just about money? You’re bringing shame to the good name of Rose&Dagger. I mean, quiz and karaoke? _Fancy Dress Friday’s_?’

 

‘Oi, it’s still my bar and I can do whatever I want with it, so don’t get all mouthy with me!’ She said, but in a teasing way, not an angry one, bopping her finger on Louis’ nose, making him scrunch up his whole face with comical disgust.

 

Harry was watching with wide eyes, speechless.

 

As if only just realising he was there, Joan turned to Harry.

 

‘Oh my gosh, we’re being so rude! Louis, why didn’t you introduce me to your friend?’ She looked at him disapprovingly, before turning back to Harry with a wide, warm smile, ‘I’m Joan, I’m the boss over here.’

 

‘Oh, hi, I’m Harry.’ he mumbled, caught of guard, surprised that the attention was now on him.

 

‘He lives with Will.’ Louis explained quickly, and Harry felt a bit like the statement was meant as a clarification of some sort, saying something along the lines of, no, he’s not a friend, he just lives with my brother, that’s it. Which sort of stung because Harry thought they were getting somewhere. But maybe he was overthinking it.

 

‘I see.’ she said looking from one to the other, with a quirked smile. ’Well, it’s lovely to meet you Harry, but I’ve gotta get back to the bar. Are you boys staying or did you just come in to complain about the way I run my bar?’ Joan asked with a raised eyebrow, crossing her arms across her chest.

 

‘I could use a drink.’ Louis said, turning to Harry with enquiring eyes.

 

‘Yeah, sure, me too.’ Harry nodded quickly in answer.

 

‘Great.’ She clasped her hands, ‘Quiz is £1 per team member if you want to get involved.’

 

Louis groaned, ‘I can’t believe what happened to this place.’

 

‘Oi, you better stop with the complaining or I’ll kick your ass out.’ she challenged. ‘Don’t test me.’

 

‘Jesus, can’t even give a little criticism without being threatened.’ Louis rolled his eyes with a loud, sarcastic sigh.

 

‘Hey, you know this bar is my baby and mamma bear takes care of her babies.’ She said authoritatively, then with a big, motherly smile and voice sweet as honey, she added, ‘and you’re my little baby too, you know. Can’t believe you’ve left us for so long, you little rascal. And now you’re all grown up!’ She turned to Harry, ‘My baby’s all grown up.’

 

Harry grinned in awe, he never would’ve imagined anyone on earth calling Louis their little baby. He did not look like a baby. It was probably the last thing he would expect this unshaven, rough around the edges man, with beer constantly attached to his hand, to be called by someone. Which is why this was absolutely amazing. Fascinating. He really wanted to know more about the Louis that she knew, the Louis that used to come to this place — what was that Louis like? Because, from what he was now witnessing, it must have been a completely different Louis to his one.

 

His.

 

He didn’t know why he just thought of him like that. The Louis he was experiencing — that’s what he meant, he told himself. Not _his_ Louis. Louis was in no way his. He wasn’t even his friend — just his brother's friend, apparently. Just that. He should feel in no way _his._ Yeah, he definitely was overthinking all of this.

 

‘Oh, shut up.’ Louis said sternly, but his lip quirked up slightly on one side. He then turned to Harry with his usual, slightly vacant expression, ’Can you go and grab us a seat and I’ll grab the drinks? I need to chat with Joan for a little bit and then I’ll be back. Won’t be too long.’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Harry nodded eagerly, already looking around for a place to sit. He found a smaller table and waited for a while, reading some of the band tour posters on the walls. Many of them were old, like older than him old, which he thought was really cool. 

 

Eventually, the familiar figure appeared in front of him.

 

‘Guess who got himself a job?’ Louis beamed proudly, setting down two pint glasses in front of them. He sat down opposite Harry, wiggling out of his jacket with some difficulty, which was quite a funny sight, making Harry smile.

 

‘You got a job here? Just like that?’ Harry raised his eyebrows curiously, somewhat impressed.

 

‘Yeah, well, I did use to work here before,’ he shrugged, ‘when we first came down to London. We pretty much spent every night here. It was a bit different back then though.’ He really stressed that last part as he glanced around the place, his eyes finding several groups of thirty to forty year olds.

 

‘That’s cool.’ Harry said, genuinely interested in what Louis was saying. He wanted him to share more about that time of his life so, so badly, but he also thought that Louis taking him there was massive in itself. Especially since, as Louis felt the need to clarify, he was just his brother’s flatmate, apparently.

 

‘Oh, and I got us this.’ He said somewhat reluctantly, taking a folded piece of paper and a pen out of the pocket of his jacket.

 

The two ended up staying and taking part in the quiz, naming their team ‘We are the bestest’, because that’s all that Harry could come up with on the spot. They came second from last, which was actually worse than last, it turned out, because the losing team got a case of beer as a consolation prize. That team was three dudes so drunk they probably could barely hold a pen, which probably was the reason behind their tragic loss. It wasn’t their fault that they did so badly though, they kept telling themselves, because the questions were _really_ biased towards the generation before them, one of the rounds being having to guess a tv show from the beginning of it’s opening song — all of which ended up to be from the 80’s. Literally before before their time. 

 

But it was fun, surprisingly. At least Harry thought so. Even though Louis _did_ spend the whole time complaining about the state of the place bitterly, sometimes unintentionally slipping out some information about what it _used to_ be like. Harry had learnt that the adjoining room was the the room they performed in, with a small stage and large speakers and even some lights. It also had a dance floor. Of course in Louis’ time that area was filled up with fans of good music, not dancing mum’s. Louis really stressed that part. 

 

There were still moments when Louis became absent, cold. He would stare at his hands or at nowhere in particular or leave Harry on his own when going to the smoking area outside. Each time these moments came, they made Harry frown a little with concern that he tried to hold back, but they usually passed fairly quickly, the two returning to mocking the quiz questions and downing beers. 

 

Sometimes Harry would catch Joan watching them from the bar, giving him a warm smile.

 

It was fun, overall.

 

 

***

 

 

Harry had an awful day at uni the next day — awful because it was the day of the week when his timetable was as bad as it could possibly get, with a lecture at 9am and a two-hour seminar at 4pm. It was ridiculous and usually he would come back home in between the two, but he realised he had completely forgotten that he had two massive chapters of his text book to read and, unfortunately, it was set by the one professor who insists on asking every person a question, so he would definitely catch on if Harry didn’t bother to do the work. So, for the most part, his day was absolutely torturous and felt way too long.

 

When Harry got back to the flat, Louis was already gone, which made him incredibly disappointed. Apparently he had grown too used to him being there, on their sofa, over the space of just a few days.

 

It only took an hour before he couldn’t take it anymore and left the house. Half an hour after that, he found himself in front of the red-fronted Rose&Dagger. It was happy hour, so there were quite a few people there, but less than the day before. It was still pretty early in the night, after all. As soon as he walked through the heavy door, his eyes darted to the bar. Louis was there.

 

Harry didn’t know what he expected, really. Quite honestly, anything that wasn’t moping around in his living room would seem out of character for Louis in his eyes, but this sight was strange. Louis was smiling, leaning in over the bar to get closer to a group of three women in their twenties who were making their orders — or, rather, flirting. And he sure was charming, with his eyes wide and encouraging as he nodded along to whatever they were saying. He then turned around and, very smoothly, started mixing their drinks for them.

 

It was all a bit confusing to Harry, as he walked towards the bar — he felt both excited and anxious. He really wanted to see Louis in this new role, in this new context, hopefully finding out more about him. He always wanted _more_ , really, but that was mainly because Louis gave up so little information about himself. Like right now, there he was, pouring drinks looking sociable and extroverted and Harry really liked that wide smile on him. But he also felt strange about it, because it was so different from the way he had seen Louis before.

 

Louis was just giving the women their change when Harry appeared in front of him, and he frowned as soon as he saw him.

 

‘What are you doing here?’ He asked, before Harry even managed a ‘hi’.

 

‘Just wanted to check out your bartending skills.’ Harry grinned, but his confidence and enthusiasm faltered a bit at the noticeable change between the way Louis spoke to the women and the way he spoke to him. His tone dropped colder and duller and Harry worried that maybe he shouldn’t have come.

 

‘Right.’ Louis said. He didn’t look mad at Harry for coming, at least not that Harry could tell, but he definitely didn’t look too enthused about it either. ‘Are you gonna order something, or? ‘Cause I’m a bit busy here. Don’t really have time to chat.’

 

‘Oh, that’s okay.’ Harry said, his voice shrinking. ‘Maybe like a beer then. Whatever we had yesterday.’

 

Louis just nodded and immediately went to grab a pint glass, filling it up silently. He put the drink in front of Harry, and, with a lazy sigh and voice that sounded incredibly disinterested said, ‘It’s on me. I mean, I owe you like forty quid so really— well, just take it. I’ve got other people waiting.’

 

‘Okay, thanks.’ Harry said, with a small smile, feeling like a bit of an idiot. 

 

Harry didn't know what he was expecting, but what he got was to sit at a slightly sticky table, watching as Louis poured drinks, mixed cocktails and chatted to everyone with what looked like great interest — everyone but him. He felt really left out and chewed on his lip, a bit of internal conflict going on inside him. Maybe he should leave, a part of him was saying over and over again, but he didn’t want to. Not really. He liked watching as Louis absolutely _shined_ when dealing with the customers, always expressing the exactly right amount of compliments and jokes and smiles, the occasional physical contact as he put his hand on a woman’s hand or shoulder, speaking sweet words — Harry bet they were like music, the soft electronic kind that sort of makes all your thoughts flow away. Fuck. This bartender Louis was such a flirt. Some of these women even bought _him_ drinks, which he accepted gladly.

 

‘Harry,’ a warm, excited voice that he recognised said, ripping him away from staring at Louis. It was Joan and she was smiling down at him, ‘it’s so nice to see you again.’

 

‘Hi, you too.’ Harry said with the best smile he could muster on such short notice, not expecting anyone to interrupt him. 

 

The woman sat down in the high chair next to him, turning her head in the direction that he had been looking in, watching Louis.

 

‘So,’ she began after a while, ‘you like him.’

 

‘Uh,’ Harry let out a sound that was between an awkward clearing of the throat and actually choking, before saying, in a voice twice as high as his usual, ‘um, what, no— what?’

 

She chuckled, ‘I mean, I’m not implying anything like that— just saying that you look like you care about him, which is great. He needs that and you guys seem close.’

 

A loud, ironic laugh escaped Harry’s lips like a flash of lightning, ‘Close? He barely even talks to me! To be honest, he looks annoyed and bored with me most of the time. Like now, I don’t think he wants me to be here.’

 

‘Hm,’ she thought that over for a moment, nodding with acknowledgement, ‘I don’t know, wouldn’t be so sure. He seems upset about something and it really seems like you’re getting through to him, from what I saw. I can see you care and I’m just really thankful that he has someone to look out for him. Show interest. Keep him out of fights.’

 

‘Did he use to get in a lot of fights?’ Harry asked with slightly wider, curious eyes.

 

‘Sometimes people would call him things that he didn’t like and he would snap at them.’ She sighed at that, ‘Had to drag him by his ears out of trouble! Though he doesn’t seem to have as much of that fight in him right now. He definitely seems closed off, more so than usual. I mean, he was a really shy kid when I met him — not even eighteen yet. He mainly just talked to his band friends and that was it. He hid behind that guitar like it was some sort of shield. It's pretty easy to understand though. He was in a new city, constantly surrounded by these people who were older than him and were into drinking, drugs— not a place for a young boy like him, really. He used to just be so into music, but I see the “lifestyle” caught up with him and he got mixed up with all that stuff.And he was _so_ lovely when he actually got comfortable around here, you know? And he’s such a talented guy.’

 

Harry listened to all of that intently. He wanted to ask _so many_ questions.

 

‘Did you know that he sings too?’ She smiled. She looked sort of proud, like a mother.

 

Harry shook his head. Part of him was really excited at the new information and part of him was disappointed that he had not actually known that. All that he knew of Louis’ music was a couple little videos which didn’t even have the greatest audio quality most of the time. And he rarely sang in them. He backed up Zayn a little bit, that's it. ‘I've not even heard him play.’

 

‘Really?’ Joan’s eyebrows shot up, ‘Louis Tomlinson _not_ attached to his guitar? How bizarre.’

 

So Harry wasn’t the only one who thought that. Why wasn’t Louis playing if it meant so much to him?

 

‘We gotta get him on that stage again then.’ she said with a decisive smile. ‘Maybe we can drag him on there on Thursday.’

 

Harry tried to remember wha was on Thursdays. Oh. Karaoke.

 

‘Really?’ Harry laughed, ‘you think he’d do karaoke?’

 

‘I reckon if we do enough convincing, we can get him to do it.’ She smiled. ‘You really should see him perform, he’s got this intensity, you know? I always wished that they let him do more in the band. Sure, Zayn was great, really got everyone going; he had this _presence_ , but I wish my baby got to shine more and not just follow the guy around, hanging onto his every word, you know?’

 

Harry thought about that for a moment. ‘Do you think he wanted to perform more and maybe that’s why the band broke up? Like, maybe they had a fight over that or something?’

 

She frowned at that, considering, ‘No, I don’t think that was it. I don’t think he’d ever even bring something like that up. I don’t think the idea of wanting to do more in the band, to take more charge, even crossed his mind. I don’t think it crossed his mind that he had the skill to do so, which is sad, because he _so_ has. I think he was the best out of all of the guys in that band, quite honestly. I think he was  _made_ for music, you know?’

 

Harry just nodded, taking in all of that. He felt like the music part of Louis was out of bounds to him and he was really frustrated about that, because Joan made it sound like hearing Louis, seeing him perform, was this amazing, inspiring thing and he didn’t even have the possibility to experience it.

 

‘Anyway, I think my boy deserves a break, so I better go down there.’ She said standing up. Harry didn’t want her to go. He wanted her to stay and tell him all that she knew about Louis, but he couldn’t.

 

‘Oh, okay.’ He mumbled, ‘It was nice to see you again.’

 

‘You too, hun.’ she smiled, ‘you definitely need to come down on Thursday. We gotta get our boy to sing!’ She said cheerfully.

 

Get _our_ boy to sing. Why did that sound so good?

 

Harry watched her as she switched out places with Louis behind the bar. He started heading in Harry’s direction right away, with little expression on his face.

 

‘What’s with the surveillance, kid? Don’t you have friends?’ He asked flatly. Harry didn’t know if it was supposed to come out quite so inhospitable.

 

Harry was about to reply when, as if on cue, he got a text from Will. He glanced at the screen. He was asking if he wanted to come out for a pint with their other mates. Truthfully, he wasn’t the Tomlinson twin that he wanted to spend time with right now, so he frowned at the screen, putting the phone quickly away.

 

Louis watched that with an eyebrow raised accusingly.

 

‘I just wanted to see your bartender skills,’ Harry shrugged with a smile. It was more of a shy, hopeful smile, as he thought that Louis might tell him to get lost and leave.

 

‘Right.’ Louis said in a cheerless tone. For a moment Harry really regretted coming, but then Louis pulled up a chair and sat opposite him. He rubbed at his eyes, looking dull and tired.

 

‘Are you okay?’ Harry asked.

 

‘It’s all a bit much.’ Louis just sighed, ‘I get tired of these people after a while.’

 

‘What? You look like you’re having the time of your life.’ Harry said with an amused, surprised frown. ‘And you are such a flirt too! It’s crazy.’

 

Louis laughed dryly, ‘Yeah, I’m channelling my brother. It’s nice to pretend you’re someone else for a while. Learnt all his tricks. Sure helps with the tips.’

 

‘So you’re not really into all of these older women?’ Harry smirked.

 

‘Not in the slightest.’ Louis mouth quirked up on one side, but he was staring down at the table emptily. After a while, he said, ’This thing is really sticky, I should probably clean it up.’

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said, surprised at how quickly their conversation ended.

 

‘You should go and see some of your other friends.’ He said, standing up to leave.

 

_Other friends_? Harry thought. So did Louis consider him his friend or not? He didn’t really get it so he shook the thought away.

 

‘Okay, I will. After I finish this off,’ Harry agreed unenthusiastically. He didn’t feel like seeing his other friends, but he really should, admittedly, because it had been a while since he had hung out with them. He couldn’t allow himself to get so lost in Louis land.

 

‘Yeah, good. See you at the flat.’ Louis said, walking away.

 

‘See ya.’ Harry said quietly.

 

 

***

 

Harry couldn’t help but to feel very disinterested in his friends’ conversation. It was football. It was always football around Will, really. He had headed off to the student bar just outside campus straight from The Rose&Dagger, sending Will a quick text. It was a short message and any other interactions between them that night were just as economical with their words. Harry laughed at some jokes, nodded along to stories, but he felt a bit out of it. All that he got from it really, was the information that Will would probably come home the next day. That was it. The rest didn’t feel at all relevant to him.

 

Louis came back some time after midnight, not long after they did. Harry hovered by his closed bedroom door, wondering whether he should go out there and talk to him. He didn’t really have any particular thing to say, no reason or _excuse_ for wanting to see Louis except for, well, that he just wanted to see Louis, to ask him about his night, to see if he was happy or tired or feeling absolutely the worst. He was just interested. He cared, just like Joan said he had, he cared about Louis.

 

Eventually, Harry did end up walking to the living room with steps as soft and quiet as he could manage. The light was off and he couldn’t feel the cold draft that an open window would cause, so he figured that Louis was not there smoking. He must have already been asleep then. Harry squinted at the room and yeah, he could _just_ make out a figure wrapped up in the mess of blankets and sleeping bag. Harry cursed at himself. If he hadn’t taken so long to muster up the courage to go up there, he could’ve still caught him awake. But maybe it was better this way. Louis must have been exhausted if he fell asleep so soon and he was not the chattiest of people when well rested, so Harry could only imagine what the guy could be like after working on his feet, surrounded by people all night. 

 

‘Night,’ He said quietly, retreating back to his room. 

 

***

 

The next morning Harry was running late, as usual. He was rummaging through their cupboards looking for some sort of cereal bar or something that he could quickly eat on the way, when a sound of small, dragging steps from outside made him turn around.

 

Louis was there, messy haired and blurry eyed, probably woken up by Harry causing an absolute racket.

 

‘Where you in my room last night?’ Louis asked, sounding a bit dazed from sleep still, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand.

 

‘Your room?’ Harry chuckled, raising an eyebrow quizzically, even though, admittedly, he referred to their living room that way a couple of times in his mind too.

 

‘The room in which I am currently staying.’ Louis clarified lazily, ’Did you want something?’

 

‘Um, no not really. Just wondered what your day was like.’ Harry shrugged, bit shy for some reason. Maybe because he felt like he was too eager to always talk to Louis and that made him feel a bit embarrassed at times.

 

‘Oh, alright.’ Louis shrugged, ‘Bearable.’

 

‘Okay, I guess that’s good?’ Harry replied only slightly awkward, ‘Anyway, I’m running late.’

 

‘See ya later Curly.’ Louis waved him off, heading towards the bathroom.

 

‘Yeah, see ya.’ Harry called after him, quickly turning in the opposite direction, towards the flat door.

 

***

 

When Will came home that afternoon, with a heavy bag slung over his shoulder, filled with his football kit and some other clothes, he was met with an empty flat. He was exhausted from the match, but mostly he was just disappointed that he didn’t have anyone to talk to about his game; his team had won and he really wanted to celebrate that, and to celebrate, he needed an audience. Not that he would ever brag about his great football skills, no, he would never do that. At all. Their amazing victory was a team effort, after all, and he just wanted to share the experience with his best friend.

 

He knew that Harry had lectures, but had no clue where his brother was. Part of him thought he had bailed again, that he had pushed him too hard during their argument on Sunday, but the massive mess blatantly disproved that theory. Louis was out, but he wasn’t gone. He did wonder where he might be though and frowned at the concept of his brother seeing his old, dodgy friends again. He really wished that wasn’t it. 

 

Will had already finished one load of laundry and was onto cleaning mud off his cleats when he heard the flat door slam. He dropped the shoe he was working on and walked slowly towards the door, but it wasn’t his favourite curly-haired flatmate that he came face to face with, it was Louis, and both of them were surprised at the sight of the other. 

 

‘Hey,’ Louis said awkwardly. He was standing there, in the hallway, with a bag of groceries — well, the bag contained some beer, milk and Yorkshire tea, but it was the closest that he’d gotten to grocery shopping in weeks. His hair and the shoulders of his jacket were slightly wet from some light rain outside and his cheeks were flushed from the cold. But most of all, he just looked a bit startled. 

 

‘Hey,’ Will nodded back reluctantly, watching his brother questioningly.

 

‘Harry gave me a key.’ Louis explained, answering a question that Will hadn’t even asked yet.

 

‘Oh, alright.’ Will said with another slow nod, considering that information. Then he nudged his head in the direction of the shopping bag, ‘So, you’re making yourself quite at home, are you?’

 

‘Just thought I’d grab some stuff, since I was out.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘With your mates? Isn’t it a bit early in the day for them?’ Will asked, half snarky and half caring, concerned.

 

‘No, something else.’ Louis replied plainly, ignoring the slight dig at his usual crowd.

 

‘So, you’re gonna be staying for a while, are ya?’ 

 

‘I guess so.’ Louis shrugged, then laughed shyly, ‘Got all this tea I need to get through.’

 

Will’s lips quirked upwards slightly, but he was still quite hesitant towards his brother. There was this tension between them that would probably take ages to repair.

 

‘I got a job.’ Louis supplied. The words sounded a bit like some sort of peace offering.

 

‘Really?’ Will’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. He wasn’t expecting that, he was expecting Louis to be sitting on their couch for weeks to come, quite honestly. He felt a tiny bit bad about having so little faith in his brother, but his feelings weren’t at all unjustified. Louis had really let down his family when he just abandoned them without a proper goodbye. Still, he felt he really needed to appreciate this step that Louis took in the right direction, ‘That’s good.’ he smiled lightly. ‘Where is it?’

 

‘A bar. The Rose&Dagger.’ Louis shrugged.

 

‘Never heard of it. But I guess London’s a big place. Well, well done anyway.’ Will said, interested.

 

‘Thanks.’ Louis replied quietly, shyly. 

 

‘Anyway, I’ve got things that need doing.’ Will informed, ‘We can talk later.’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Louis nodded.

 

But the two of them didn’t talk, didn’t interact for the rest of the day, not even once Harry got back from his lectures. He could sense the slight, ever-present tension. It was sort of like a broken tap making repetitive, annoying sounds as water drops hit the metallic surface of a kitchen sink, but, uncomfortable as that noise could be, you sort of have to get used to it, waiting for it to get fixed. 

 

Soon after Harry came in, Louis had to run out to get to work, so they didn’t have a chance to say anything beyond their conversation in the morning. They literally almost ran into each other in the doorway, saying awkward, rushed ‘sorry’s before Louis was out of there.

 

Will wasn’t particularly talkative either, staying in his room. Harry could hear him watching some sports game on his laptop, so he didn’t bother walking in. He just went to his room feeling incredibly bored.

 

 

***

 

 

The next day Harry woke up with some more enthusiasm. It was karaoke day and, according to Joan, it was going to be fun. He didn’t mention himself going to Louis when they ran into each other in the morning again, but only asked if Louis was looking forward to it, to which Louis unenthusiastically replied that his ‘ears will bleed and die a thousand deaths tonight.’

 

So, when Harry appeared at the bar later that night, Louis was quite surprised. 

 

‘What are you doing here?' He asked, narrowing his eyes a Harry.

 

‘Well, I thought we could hang out.’ Harry chirped, sitting down on a stool by the bar.

 

‘I’m working?’ Louis said with a confused frown, as if expecting Harry to be able to figure that out himself and not try to interact with him.

 

‘Well, I’ve seen you chat and drink with customers a lot last time, so surely you can find some time for me too.’ Harry retorted not at all discouraged.

 

‘Yeah, sure, I guess.' Louis said, bit unsure, 'What are you buying?’

 

‘Hm,’ Harry thought about that for a moment, then a grin spread over his face, ‘I’m thinking tequila shots.’

 

‘Tequila shots?’ Louis chuckled.

 

‘Yeah, I’ve never really done them before, so all that salt, shot, lime thing is a mystery to me and I always wanted to try it out.’  Harry also read somewhere that tequila was the only alcohol that wasn’t a depressant, which is why it so often resulted in people ending up dancing on tables with their shirts off. So he figured it would be their best shot at getting Louis onto that a stage and actually have fun.

 

‘Okay then kid, coming right up.’

 

‘Oh, and you’re having some too.’ Harry said quickly.

 

‘What?’ Louis laughed, eyebrow raised at the weird boy.

 

‘Yeah, let’s start with four. Two each. It will be fun, right? And don’t pretend like you don’t accept drinks from customers.’ Harry replied, his tone challenging.

 

‘Um, okay then. Guess we’re having tequila shots.’ Louis said hesitant but amused, walking off to get the bottle. 

 

Some time later, the two of them were still on opposite sides of the bar, Harry sitting on a big wooden stool and Louis standing on the other side, even though he had not served another customer in over half an hour, probably not even really realising that Joan had gladly stepped in and took every order instead of him. They had had many shots by then, and were now leaning over the wooden counter over a booklet filled with the list of songs available on the karaoke machine. 

 

They were going down the list alphabetically, Harry tracing each line with his finger.

 

‘Britney!’ He shouted enthusiastically, ‘Oh you _have_ to.’

 

‘Hey, what are you on about? We got this thing for you. We never said anything about _me_ singing.’ He said defensively.

 

‘No, no, you _have_ to. I know you can sing. A little birdie told me.’ Harry giggled. Then, with wide pleading eyes, asked. ‘ _Please?_ ’

 

‘You want _me_ , to go up there and sing a Britney song?’ Louis snorted.

 

‘Yes.’ Harry said decisively. ‘ _And_ I’m the one putting the roof over your head, so you have to listen to me.’

 

‘Oh, I do now?’ Louis asked.

 

Harry nodded enthusiastically.

 

‘Well, ‘Toxic’ is actually a great song. We actually used to do a cover of it, you know.’ Louis said. Harry’s jaw dropped, amazed by this new information.

 

‘Well then, now that you told me that, you _have_ to do it.’ He said, excited and impatient. Louis still looked somewhat reluctant, but amused by Harry’s reaction.

 

‘Yeah, but I never used to sing it. I played the guitar and we put this massive solo in there. It was sick, probably one of the best covers we used to do. I don’t think I’ve ever even performed without a guitar.’

 

‘Well then, now is your chance!’ Harry said, hopping off his stool with a grin, ‘Let’s go sign you up, and we’ll sign me up for something too.’

 

‘But— I’m working.’ Louis squirmed a bit.

 

At those words Joan seemed to appear out of nowhere with a loud laugh, ‘Please hun, you’ve not been working for ages, go have fun. Do mamma bear proud.’

 

‘What?’ Louis looked at her surprised, then slightly betrayed.

 

‘Just go, have fun.’ She rolled her eyes, nudging him to get out from behind the bard.

 

‘Okay, okay,’ Louis said, not appreciating being led by her.

 

He made a show of being very displeased about being forced to do karaoke all the way during them signing up for their songs and waiting their turn.

 

Harry didn’t know what to expect. He knew that Joan was very insistent on Louis being a great singer, but he didn’t know how reliable of a source she was, clearly having this maternal love thing going on for Louis. 

 

And then he was up.

 

Louis fidgeted, grimacing as he waited for the track to start playing, but as soon as it did and he sang those first words, his whole body changed. He looked consumed by the music again, just as Harry saw him in the clips of him playing with The Rogue. Even though the massive, loud pop-track played, Louis’ voice, his whole performance, felt so full of emotion. 

 

And it was _dirty._ Really, really dirty. If Harry had thought that Louis was hot before, now everything went into complete over-drive. Louis voice sounded so sensual; it was a mixture of soft and rough, at times strong and dark and at other times raspy and perfectly breathless. Louis seemed in perfect control of it - and of Harry for that matter. He never thought of ‘Toxic’ as being like this, being performed this way, and he would probably never be able to imagine it being performed in any different way. Because Louis made it _his_. He made it seem like it was written for him, for this exact moment.

 

And then there were these tiny little, genuine smiles breaking through at moments, where Louis just seemed to enjoy himself and forget himself, that made Harry feel so warm and happy.

 

And then there was this moment when Louis eyes shot up to Harry’s, dark and intense and longing, absolutely trapping him and sucking all the breath out of his chest. It was a look so hot and almost hungry that Harry literally went weak at the legs. Had he completely melted? Because he sure felt like his whole body had melted into one big mess. Staring, mesmerised mess. 

 

Harry told himself that it was part of the performance, he wasn’t looking with that longing at _him._ He couldn’t possibly. It was all just a part of the song. 

 

Then the song was over, but Harry’s ears were still ringing and his heart beating faster than was comfortable as Louis was walking back with an energised smile.

 

‘How was that?’ He asked with open, hopeful eyes, even though his face seemed completely unbothered.

 

‘Um,’ Harry cleared his throat awkwardly, struggling to get the words out, ‘it was great. Really.'

 

‘It was so weird performing without a guitar. Or just singing on my own, really?’ Louis said a bit unsure, ‘Did you really think it was good?’

 

‘So good.’ Harry almost purred, absentmindedly, before quickly adding, ‘I mean, yeah, it was great. I don’t really know if I want to go on and sing after _that._ You were great.’

 

‘Hey, you’re not gonna back out of it. I did it, you do it.’ Louis said sternly.

 

So Harry went on stage and sang a very shy, very distracted rendition of ‘Isn’t she lovely’, which resulted in Louis giving him a little patronising pat on the back afterwards and, with a smirk, saying, ’I’m sorry kid, but that was a poor effort.’

 

Harry rolled his eyes, pushing off Louis' hand. But he didn't really care. He didn't mind Louis mocking him a bit, because he hardly even registered that. It didn't bother him. What bothered him was the constant memory of Louis singing and of that one, short look between them that would not leave his mind. 

 

Later that night, when they came back after a few more drinks, fumbling with keys and laughing as they walked in, all tipsy and loud, all the noise they were making caught Will’s attention. He heard them from his room and frowned in confusion at why exactly the two were so giddy, not really having a clue what was going on. He didn’t want to get into it though. Weird. 

 

 

(I wasn’t going to post this link until later but fuck it, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lK2xoQ-6JoY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lK2xoQ-6JoY) just imagine dark, intense Louis getting up on stage on his own and singing this version of the song. wow.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this ended up really long. Hope it's okay because I did have to rush it a bit to keep on track (I sort of ran out of most of my pre-written work, so had to write all of this over the past couple days oops).
> 
> ANYWAY! Hope you like this :)
> 
> Thank you for comments and kudos, they really do make me smile. <3
> 
> Add me on twitter, tumblr, instagram, anything you like, it's all annanotesxo on everything. Feel free to talk to me about fics! :)
> 
> xoxo


	6. THINGS WE LOST

The next morning wasn’t the most fun for Harry after all the tequila the night before, but he forced himself out of bed and out of the flat anyway. He _was_ however extremely, bitterly jealous of Louis, who was so sound asleep that even the great noise of Harry running around frantically as he was getting ready didn’t wake him. At least Will had to get up miserably early too and they walked to campus together in near silence. They could blame the lack of conversation on it being early in the morning because no one is too talkative on a grey, dismal autumn morning, right? But it was more than that, really. It was the uncertainty of where they stood with each other right now and it made for a rather boring walk, followed by a very boring lecture for Harry.

 

 

***

 

Harry was back mid-afternoon and was greeted by the image of Louis drinking in front of the tv. Standard. 

 

Then Harry remembered about all the boring, everyday things that he had put off doing because of the constant roller coasters caused by the appearance of Louis. So he sighed and went to his room to put his stuff away, mentally preparing for a very thrilling evening of chores.

 

‘Do you have any dirty dark clothes?’ Harry asked, walking into the living room, half a laundry basket filled with his own stuff. 

 

‘Sorry, I’m afraid I left all my black lacy bra back in the states.’ Louis said with a dry laugh, not tearing his eyes away from the tv.

 

Harry rolled his eyes at the response. Although he couldn’t help a little amused smirk because of the fact that, thanks to his twitter search, he knew that Louis was in fact in possession of a black lacy bra at one point.

 

‘Yeah, ha ha, very witty,’ Harry said sarcastically, then added, ‘but if you want your clothes washed, now’s your chance and I’m not gonna be waiting long.’

 

‘Alright then.’ Louis said unenthusiastically, getting up and walking towards his duffel bag. 

 

Harry walked up to him, laundry basket still in hand and Louis immediately started throwing things in there. A lot of things.

 

‘Do you always wear so much black?’ Harry chuckled. The thing was almost overflowing with clothes.

 

‘More now than I used to.’ Louis said absentmindedly, coolly.

 

‘What do you mean?’ Harry laughed lightly. Louis sounded so ominous.

 

Louis paused for a moment. Then, throwing one last thing into the basket, replied.

 

‘Nothing. I’ve got to go to work now.’ He said emptily. The issue with that statement was that it was only 4pm, so it was way too early for that to be true, making Harry think that Louis must have just been dodging him. He felt a bit disappointed at that, because he thought they were getting closer. After all, they did hang out the night before, drinking and singing and having a laugh, so what happened now? It seemed like they were constantly going in circles and, no matter how close they might have gotten in one moment, Louis would be back to his vacant, cold self the next.

 

Louis was gone by the time he started the washing machine and Harry missed him. All night, he missed him. The only thought that cheered him up was that at least he wasn’t being vomited on, like the week before.

 

 

***

 

The next morning was a Saturday. Will had stayed at his girlfriend’s flat again after going out with some of her friends. Well, Harry supposed they were his friends too, by extension, but none of them were too bothered by the fact that he declined their invitation to go out. He was a bit bored of it really, not being one to want to go out clubbing three times a week. It was excessive, he thought.

 

And so, he was alone with Louis again and it seemed so eerily familiar. Louis sitting in front of the tv, beer in hand, silent. And they didn’t talk, not until later that night, when Harry decided that he really wanted to go to band night at the Rose&Dagger, because maybe then he’d get a little glimpse at the way that Louis’ life might have been a couple of years ago and that excited him.

 

Except it didn’t go quite so well.

 

When Harry got to the bar it was packed with people who were actually close to their age. It was loud and somehow darker than usual and everyone talked loudly to each other, the place buzzing with the combined volume of voices. Unlike the other times that Harry was there, there was music playing from the speakers and it was all the most well-known rock and indie songs that everyone was getting into. The live music was about to start soon, so Harry decided to go get a drink quickly, before it got too loud to say hello to Louis.

 

Louis looked swamped. He didn’t bother with chatting and flirting, it was all quick jokes and quick drink pouring and quick exchanges of cash. 

 

‘Hey,’ Harry beamed, finally catching his attention.

 

‘Oh, hey,’ Louis frowned slightly, ‘do you want something?’

 

Harry rolled his eyes, ‘Yeah, a drink. I came to check out some of this “best new music” that R&D advertises. I mean, also to see you in action, that’s always a plus.’

 

‘Right.’ Louis nodded. ‘No tequila shots tonight though, kid. It’s actually busy.’

 

‘Yeah, I can see that.’ Harry said, glancing around again. ‘Is it always like this?’

 

‘Depends who’s playing,’ Louis shrugged. ‘Now, what do you want to drink? There’s other people waiting.’

 

‘Beer’s fine.’ Harry said quickly. ‘Is it like a more known band, then?’

 

‘Um,’ Louis frowned, ‘Not sure, I’m not really in the loop with the music around here nowadays. Maybe. I think Joan joked that they’re the new us, but I don’t know about that.’

 

‘Cool.’ Harry nodded, staring at Louis’ concentration as he poured a perfect glass of beer.

 

‘There you go.’ He set it down on the bar. ‘You gotta pay this time though, Joan doesn’t really appreciate me giving out drinks so much.’

 

‘Sure,’ Harry said, taking out his wallet.

 

‘You could tip too,’ Louis smirked.

 

‘I let you _live with me_. Is that not enough?’ Harry laughed. He handed Louis the money.

 

‘Well, I suppose you do have a point, kid.’ he replied amused. ‘Enjoy the band,’ He said, giving Harry his change.

 

‘Thanks.’ Harry replied. He was utterly surprised by how civil, friendly almost, Louis was during that exchange. He figured the live music night might be making him happier. After all, it was apparently his world that Harry was stepping into. Louis’ home.

 

Harry didn’t fully engage with the music — let’s face it, that’s not the real reason why he went to the bar that night. In fact, he didn’t even really go into the other room, instead standing in its doorway, neither in or out. He tried to watch the band a little bit at first, but his eyes kept darting to where Louis stood behind the bar. He didn’t even notice when the first band switched with the second. He was too lost in watching Louis through the crowd of people.

 

And that’s when everything started going wrong.

 

It started with a guy walking up to the bar and talking to Louis. Harry frowned at the recognition in Louis’ face when he saw him. He had this dislike of Louis' friends based on how little they seemed to care for him, and the guy looked like he might have been one of them. The look on Louis' face didn’t really seem like a happy one though. The guy was tall with a black leather jacket on, a button up shirt with a weird pattern that looked awfully like sperm all over it. He had this quiff on his head which made his forehead look massive and shiny, and this smile on his face that looked too wide and cocky.

 

Harry didn’t even realise that he was walking towards them until he was right there, Louis noticing him.

 

‘Hey,’ Harry said, now having the attention of both of them. The quiff guy looked down at him with unimpressed eyes and a raised eyebrow. Louis looked down with a confused frown. Not having figured out anything else to say, Harry quickly just asked, ‘Um, can I get a refill?’

 

‘You still have some left?’ Louis said, gesturing to Harry's glass, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said, feeling possibly the most stupid he had to date. What exactly was he doing? He should have come up with something to say before barging in and interrupting someone else’s conversation. He brought the glass to his lips and downed the rest of his beer in one go. Then he passed it to Louis.

 

‘Okay then.’ Louis said, still frowning, but with a little quirk on the side of his lips.

 

‘Do you two know each other?’ Quiff guy asked with a judgemental scoff. Harry looked from one to the other, not actually knowing whether Louis would confirm or deny, but Louis just shrugged. That made the quiff guy’s eyes brighten and, with an obnoxious laugh, he said, ‘Well, looks like someone found themselves a little fangirl and finally stopped being one, eh? Where did you even find this kid?’

 

Harry had never gotten so pissed off so quickly. He hated the guy’s tone and he hated his words. He hated how pleased he looked with himself. He hated the way the guy called him ‘kid’. He was used to it from Louis by now, but somehow this guy’s tone made it seem so colossally patronising that he tensed up in disgust and anger. 

 

And he hated how embarrassed he suddenly felt. This fangirl dig, it wasn’t completely untrue. Obviously he wasn’t a _fan_ , that would be way of an over-exaggeration, but he _was_ standing there staring at Louis for half the night and he couldn’t deny that there was some awe and longing in his eyes.

 

‘Oh shut up, Nick.’ Louis just rolled his eyes. On the surface he just looked bored, but Harry noticed his fists clenching.

 

‘Hey, I just wanted to swing by and see if you were really back. Just couldn’t believe The Rogue were over, man. Would’ve thought you’d follow Zayn to the grave, the way you acted around him.’ he snickered, apparently finding himself very amusing. He didn’t seem in the slightest bit sorry or sympathetic. Then, leaning in, in a quieter voice said, ‘Figured you might be free.’

 

The response he got was clearly not one he was expecting, as Louis’ face suddenly filled with disgust and actual rage. 

 

‘Leave. Now.’ Louis hissed, voice insistent and harsh.

 

‘Are you serious? Not gonna lie, thought you’d be happier to see me.’ He smirked. 

 

‘Just leave.’ Louis’ expression was so dark, that it made this Nick guy frown in confusion and laugh hesitantly.

 

‘Shit man, the fuck is up with you.’ He said, shaking his head and starting to back off, ‘just thought we could have some fun.'

 

'Well, you were wrong, so kindly fuck off.' Louis said with the most fake smile available to man.

 

Nick was clearly very shocked and offended by the way he was being spoken to, because he looked at them with a look saying 'are you fucking kidding me?' before he laughed dryly and walked off.

 

Good. Harry thought. He could go his whole life without seeing that face again. Then he turned his eyes back to Louis and it was almost as if he was physically falling apart. Harry staring with wide, worried eyes. 

 

‘I have to go. I have to get out of here.’ He started pacing.

 

Joan noticed him from the other side of the bar and walked up to them, putting a hand on Louis’ shoulder, she asked, ‘are you okay hun?’

 

Louis just shook her hand off himself harshly.

 

‘Do you want a break?’ She asked with a worried expression, ‘Or to go home?’

 

‘I’ve gotta leave.’ He said flatly, ‘Sorry.’

 

‘Okay, go, don’t worry about it.’ Joan said kindly. Louis just nodded, grabbed his jacket which he had tucked away somewhere under the bar and walked out immediately, quickly.

 

‘What happened?’ Joan turned to Harry with a frown.

 

‘Uh, I’m not sure.’ Harry said with an apologetic frown, ‘I’m gonna go and see if he’s okay.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah, go. Before he disappears off to somewhere.’ She nodded in agreement.

 

Harry nodded before hurrying out. He saw the small dark figure some distance away and had to do a little jog to catch up to him.

 

‘Hey, Louis!’ He shouted after him, getting closer. Once he was close enough, and a tiny bit out of breath, he asked, ‘Hey, are you okay?’ 

 

‘Fucking fantastic.’ Louis spat out.

 

Harry bit down on his lip, hesitating, before he spoke again, ‘You wanna tell me what’s up?’

 

Then Louis stopped walking abruptly. Except he didn't really stop, he just switched from walking along the street to pacing back and forth down a wonky, invisible line.

 

‘Everything is so fucked.’ Louis said under his breath. He repeated that a few times before stopping in front of the building next to them, which was a tall old-looking thing with bright orange and red bricks. Louis kicked and punched the wall a couple of times — which Harry just stared at, not knowing what to do — before turning round and sliding down against it until he was sat on the cold, damp pavement, leaning back against it, eyes closed. 

 

Harry sat down next to him slowly, waiting for a while.

 

‘Well, that guy was a massive twat.’ Harry just said bluntly, not knowing how else to start the conversation and encourage Louis to tell him what he was feeling, or just say _something_. 

 

‘Yeah. He’s a dick.’ Louis scoffed.

 

‘Well, I could totally beat him up for offending you, if you wanted.’ Harry said, putting on a very confident voice.

 

‘You? _You_ would beat him up for me? I can’t imagine you hurting a thing. You literally look like a leaf could beat you up.’ Louis laughed dryly.

 

‘Hey, if there’s a need for it, I would step up to the job.’ he replied with conviction and a slight smile at the fact that Louis seemed at least a tiny bit more amused — even if it was at his expense.

 

‘Well, if only I had known.’ Louis replied, ‘See, Joan doesn’t like me having fights in her bar, so a proxy, especially a little cute one like you, would’ve been great help.’

 

Harry smiled because he got called cute. Somehow, it encouraged him to actually ask what he wanted to ask for a while, even though he probably should’ve known it wasn’t a good time for it.

 

‘How come you’ve not been playing your guitar?’ he blurted out. He was thinking about it all night actually, as he watched the other bands, imagining Louis in their place, so the question was right there on top of his mind. Except maybe he should’ve held it back for another time, because it seemed to drag Louis back to the dark place, making Harry regret ever opening his mouth. He expected Louis to completely shut off on him then, but, instead, staring blankly at the ground in front of him, Louis replied, ‘I don’t think I can anymore.’

 

‘What do you mean?’ Harry asked, not understanding. 

 

‘I just don’t think I can anymore— not alone— not since— shit, I don’t know. I keep messing things up. Why do I have to keep messing things up? They’re all right about me, you know?’ Louis said, growing more and more unbalanced with each word. ‘Fucking waste of space, piece of shit, why do I fuck everything up?’

 

Harry frowned. He didn’t quite get where this was all coming from.

 

‘Hey.’ he said, wanting to get Louis to look at him, but he wouldn’t. ‘Listen to me. You’re not a waste of space. Stop saying that shit.’

 

Louis scoffed coldly, shaking his head, ’You really do not know me. I keep ruining things. Over and over again. I should just stop. Stop trying.’

 

‘Louis,’ Harry said, voice concerned and slightly annoyed. The other wouldn’t look at him, so he placed a hand on one of his clenched fists. ‘So I might not know you very well, so what? I can tell you’re not a waste of space. You’re not a shit person, stop making yourself out to be — that’s what you should stop. Stop making yourself out to be less than you are.’

 

Louis shook his head, ‘I don’t get why you’re saying this shit.’

 

‘It’s what I think.’ Harry simply shrugged, ‘I think you’re pretty great actually. In your own way.’

 

Louis laughed, ‘That’s funny, kid. How did you come up with that one?’

 

Harry rolled his eyes, then sighed exasperatedly, ’Oh just shut up. Accept it. You’re a good person. Yeah, you might be a dick sometimes, but you’re not a piece of shit or waste of space or whatever. If you were, I wouldn’t be sitting here on a wet pavement, trying to make you listen to me.’

 

‘Well, then you’re just gonna get disappointed with me. Eventually. Everyone with the tiniest bit of faith in me always ends up disappointed. Ask Will. It doesn’t feel good. I get you’re trying to be a nice person or whatever, but it’s a fact that I constantly and inevitably fail people and I would strongly advise to get out while you can and not get your hopes up about me. I’m a fuck up. Accept _that_.’ 

 

Harry looked at him sadly, but spoke with conviction, ‘Well, I guess we’ll have to see about that, because I’m not giving up on you. Didn’t you ask to give you a chance? That first time we met? Well, here I am. So stop having a go at me for caring.’

 

‘I don’t deserve that.’ Louis said coldly.

 

‘I think you do.’ Harry said softly, warmly. Louis finally looked up at him, his eyes were wide and unsure.

 

‘Why?’

 

‘I just do.’ Harry shrugged. ‘From what I’ve seen.’

 

And I sure do watch you a lot, Harry thought. It was an embarrassing thought — and an annoyingly true one.

 

Louis looked like he wanted to say something. His lips were parted slightly and he was looking at Harry with wide, hesitant eyes. 

 

He looked down at Harry’s lips for a brief moment, before leaning in and meeting them with his own. It was quick and soft and their lips barely touched. Then Louis pulled back.

 

‘Sorry.’ Louis said in a hoarse, almost inaudible voice, looking down at his hands. He looked as if he was feeling guilty, about to be told off or something.

 

‘It’s okay.’ Harry just said a bit dazed. It was such quick, little thing, yet his heart started beating so incredibly fast from the shock that his chest was hurting. He was _so_ torn. Why would Louis do that? It caught Harry by complete surprise. It came out of nowhere. There didn’t seem to be any build up at all. It was definitely not a charged moment, not in that way.

 

Was he even gay? Was that even possible? Harry was really confused. Will definitely wasn’t gay. Could one twin be and the other not? Didn’t they have like the same brain or something? 

 

And shit, no. That would make everything so much worse, because if there was an actual possibility of Louis liking him back, then Harry would be completely, one hundred percent hopeless. And that would be fucked up, because he is _Will’s fucking twin brother._ His best friend’s twin brother. This was bad.

 

But it wasn’t in any way a sensual kiss. It just felt— sad. It was a lonely, sad kiss. Louis needed someone to be close to and Harry was just there. It could’ve been anyone else, really. At least that’s how Harry tried to justify it. It didn’t mean anything except that Louis was a bit lost and confused and upset. That was all. It would be unfair of Harry to take it as anything else. In fact, if he did try to make something out of all this, if he tried to get closer right now, then he would just be using the fact that Louis was clearly vulnerable at that moment. There was something really messed up going on in his life. It wouldn’t be right.

 

So, instead, he just said, ‘let’s go home,’ and pushed himself off the ground. He extended his hand in front of Louis, to help him get up. Louis took it and then they started walking back in silence. 

 

After a minute or so, Louis took out a cigarette and started smoking. Everything was dark and smelled of rain and didn’t feel quite real. When they got on it, the tube was full of people, loud and heading out for nights out. When they got out, the cold air hit them again. There was the sound of an ambulance somewhere in the distance.

 

And then, when they got back to the flat, Louis started walking straight to the sofa while Harry was still fumbling around with the locks.

 

‘Wait,’ He said quickly, before Louis crossed into the dark room.

 

He turned around slowly, eyebrows raised.

 

Harry really wanted to say _something_. He felt the need to, but he needed some time to think of what the right _something_ would be in their situation. To buy some time, or maybe just because he wanted to get close to Louis again, he walked up to him and pulled him into a light hug.

 

‘You’re gonna be fine.’ he said softly into Louis’ ear, giving him a tighter squeeze before letting go and starting to back away towards his own room. He hoped that was enough for now — and it was a promise. Even if Louis thought it was just an off-hand little remark, Harry saw it as a promise, and one he would make sure was kept. He was going to make sure of it. Louis was going to be okay. Louis was going to be happy. He will do everything he can to make that happen. But for now, it was time to just rest for a while and hope for an easier day tomorrow. He smiled lightly, ‘Goodnight.’

 

‘Night.’ Louis repeated in a whisper, looking a bit lost. He stood there, in the hallway, for a while longer before finally heading to ‘his’ room.

 

 

 

***

 

 

The next morning Harry woke up early, but didn’t get out of bed for a couple hours. Half the time he tried to get back to sleep and half the time he was wondering how to approach Louis again. Should he just ignore the kiss? Ignore their argument over Louis’ self worth? Just act normal and as casual as he could manage?

 

Or maybe they should talk more?

 

Eventually, he headed out of the room. Louis was watching the tv absentmindedly, beer in hand. He didn’t notice Harry at first, not until he sat down on the arm of the armchair and spoke,

 

‘Hey,’ Harry said with a small smile.

 

‘Um, hi,’ Louis replied, clearly being very distracted. Lost again. Then he frowned with some recognition, ‘Sorry for yesterday. It was a bit weird.’

 

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Harry shrugged. ‘You can talk to me whenever, you know?’

 

Louis sighed with annoyance, which surprised Harry, ‘I don’t need you to be my shrink, kid.’

 

‘Well, that’s okay. I was thinking more of something along the lines of a _friend,_ anyway.’ Harry replied with a little laugh, not wanting to be too thrown by Louis’ reserve.

 

Louis just scoffed in response, taking a sip of his beer. Clearly, he wasn’t in a great mood. Harry frowned a bit — it seemed that his hopes of an easier day weren’t very likely to come true.

 

‘People usually open up to me more, you know.’ Harry said softly.

 

Something about that apparently didn’t agree with Louis, making him visibly annoyed and suddenly hostile.

 

‘Oh, so this is about _you._ You’re so used to- what? Being people’s shoulder to lean on? Everyone trusting you, asking you for help. Makes you feel good, does it?' He asked sarcastically, voice cold, 'Like it’s who you are — someone who cares, someone who people need and rely on _._ And here I am, messing up your weird sense of self, because I don’t want to be babied by you. I don’t need your stupid pity and your stupid help. _Sorry_.’

 

Harry shocked into silence for a moment. What happened? He thought that he was making progress with Louis, that they were getting closer, yet here the guy was, basically telling him how unwelcome any conversation with Harry was to him. He felt so rejected and insulted, quite frankly. Because all he wanted to do was be nice to him, help him, and here he was making it out as if it was all out of selfishness somehow? What the hell?

 

Or was there some truth in all of that? Was it possible that the reason why he helped people wasn’t actually selfless but selfish? Did he really get some sort of high from helping people just because it gave him the feeling of being needed? Appreciated? Liked?

 

No. Surely not. He could feel that it wasn’t just that he wanted people to be thankful, to appreciate and need him. He really _did_ care. It bothered him when people were upset. He just wanted people to be well, not to suffer. He really did care. 

 

And he cared for Louis, no matter how much he tried to push him back.

 

‘I care.’ Harry blurted out quietly, unable to hold his thoughts back anymore.

 

‘Yeah, right, whatever.’ Louis said bitterly, ‘how about you go and find some other loser to _care_ about, because I am not interested in fulfilling your weird addiction to helping people.’

 

‘No.’ Harry said, frowning, but in a more confident tone. ‘You’re sitting here and you’re miserable, don’t pretend otherwise. And all I wanted to do is hear your side of it all. And yeah, I hoped I could help in some way, but why the hell is that so wrong? Why is that wrong _at all_? Why are you so intent on pushing me away? I swear, any time we actually start getting along and I think maybe we could just hang out or whatever, you start fighting it. Why do you do that?’

 

Louis looked up. His eyes were red and glassy and he looked absolutely furious. 

 

‘Fuck you.’ He said, ‘Just leave me the fuck alone.’

 

He stood up, grabbed his jacket and, shoving him out of the way, walked past Harry. Harry was completely frozen. All of his body felt rigid and he couldn’t move. He heard the doors to the flat being slammed shut. How Louis could turn a conversation into an absolutely painful, bitter argument so quickly really amazed him. And now he couldn’t move. It physically hurt him how much Louis’ words upset him. 

 

And he just left. That’s how badly he didn’t want to talk to Harry. That’s how badly he didn’t want to have to deal with him. And that really stung. 

 

Harry felt sick.

 

And then he heard the door open and close quietly, distant.

 

A moment later, Louis appeared in the doorway. He walked slowly towards to sofa, where he sat down, hiding his face in his palms, his elbows propped up on his knees. 

 

Harry felt as if his whole body melted in a strange, uncomfortable way. Everything that felt tensed up, now just felt weak. His jaws and hands, which he didn’t even realise he was clenching tightly, unclenched. There were small purple marks left where his nails had dug into the skin of the palms of his hands with all that pressure.

 

He felt a bit shaky as he walked up to Louis and sat down next to him. It was all so chaotic and messed up, so he tried to keep himself as levelheaded and calm in his movements as possible. He put his arm around Louis’ back, pulling him closer into the embrace. He didn’t say anything, he just waited.

 

‘Everything is just so,’ Louis finally said, almost inaudibly. But Harry was listening intently, ‘ _wrong._ ’

 

‘Well, you can tell me about it.’ Harry said softly, ‘If you feel like it.’

 

‘Okay,’ Louis answered shakily. ‘I don’t even know where to start.’ He laughed dryly.

 

‘Wherever you want.’ Harry said simply. Part of him felt relieved — Louis was finally going to open up to him. But a big part of him also felt anxious. He didn’t know what to expect and he really didn’t want to mess things up even more between him and Louis if he reacted in the wrong way.

 

Louis pulled his face out of his hands; he dropped them down, intertwining his fingers, staring at them to avoid any eye contact with Harry.

 

‘You know how Will, he makes it out like it was the band thing that messed everything up — that messed me up? As if I was fine before. As if me leaving my family was when all the problems started. But it wasn’t. That’s complete bullshit.’ Louis said. His voice sounded strained, the subject clearly being difficult for him to talk about.

 

‘What was it really like?’ Harry asked. 

 

‘Well,’ Louis let out that dry little laugh again, shaking his head. Then he looked up into Harry’s eyes, which were concerned, but hopeful too. There was this sad, sarcastic smile on Louis’ lips. ‘You might not believe it, but I actually think everything got better after I began playing. Ever since I got that first guitar for my birthday, I was hooked. I finally had something, you know. I wasn’t _just_ the other Tomlinson. I had something that was mine.’

 

Harry nodded slowly to show that he was listening. 

 

‘See, I actually felt like music saved me, as stupid and cliche as that sounds. Before it, I was like a non-person. It was as if Will was everything and I was nothing. Everyone liked him. He was good at everything and he got so much attention. But I didn’t. I wasn’t good at sports, I wasn’t good at talking to people, I wasn’t all extroverted and fun. I was the complete opposite in the worst way possible. I was always Will’s brother or ‘the other one’. Will dragged me along with him everywhere, made me hang out with his friends, telling me I just had to be more confident or some bullshit, even though I hated every second of it. I hated sitting with these people that didn’t care about me and always talked _around_ me instead of _to_ me. I was there, but at the same time I wasn’t.’

 

Harry couldn’t help a sad frown that appeared on his face. This was all so much. To hear about young Louis being in so much pain, made him feel so bad that his chest clenched painfully.

 

‘I was really messed up. I don’t really want to say any more about that, to be honest. But basically, when I started playing, it was like I started living, you know. I was fifteen by then and I wasn’t doing music as a subject or anything, but I played sometimes in the music room and the teacher, she noticed me and let me do a music GCSE in one year if I came along after school. Which I did. She was the one who introduced me to the band. They used to go to my school. They were three years older than me, but we got along really well. It was all about the music back then. And they actually treated me like a person, rather than my brother’s tag-along. So we played some gigs in local pubs and stuff, some gigs in other nearby towns, nothing big, while I was in my first year of Sixth-form. Then when summer started, we decided to expand a bit. We got some attention through facebook and twitter and we visited more towns. People let us stay at their houses. We were supposed to just tour for the summer, that’s what I promised my parents. I was supposed to come back home in autumn and finish school. But each time I was supposed to get back and my parents called, I just dragged it out a bit more and postponed it. And then I just never came back. Not even for Christmas that year. And then I was eighteen, so my parents no longer had any say. I felt like the band was my family. But I guess everything good has to go to shit and end eventually.’

 

‘What happened then?’ Harry asked, hoping he wasn’t sounding too intrusive.

 

‘We lived in London for a while. Doing the same old thing. One of the guys’ friends let us live with him. Then when we got enough money for the tickets, we flew over to the US. It was just more drinking, more strangers, more small gigs. Mostly we only made enough money to get from one place to another. Then we got invited to Warped Tour. We had three EPs by then, but we got some attention and a bigger label actually wanted to sign us. We were half-way through recording the thing when—‘ Louis stopped there. He froze completely. ‘Uh. Zayn.. he… um.. well, they didn’t want us without him. And everything ended. And that’s my story. The end. My family hates me, I have nowhere to go and I’m a massive waste of space apparently.’

 

‘No, that’s not true.’ Harry said lightly.

 

‘Yeah right.’ Louis just shook his head.

 

‘Well, as I said yesterday, which apparently you didn’t listen to, yeah, it's true, you really _can_ be massive pain to be around,’ Harry smiled, trying to lighten the mood, ‘but you’re far from a waste of space.’

 

‘Oh, thanks.’ Louis said with a short, sarcastic laugh.

 

‘And you don’t have nowhere to go. You have here.’ He smiled, ‘I want you here.’

 

Louis lifted his head, looking up at Harry with wide, surprised eyes, ‘You do?’

 

The way he was looking at Harry then, with such hope in his eyes, made Harry’s heart beat faster; he felt as if electricity was running all down his body. Shit, he thought. He was getting into that place again. The place where he likes Louis too much. The place that he promised himself he would stay out of. But the barriers were breaking again and it was getting harder and harder not to give in. Especially now. Especially since Louis was opening up to him finally. Especially since he had now felt Louis’ lips on his own — even if it wasn’t a hot kiss, even if it was so brief, it was still a feeling that he probably had no chance of forgetting. And he realised that he did really, really badly want Louis there. Wanted him to stay. To never leave. 

 

It was all hopeless. He gave up and just accepted it.

 

He placed his hand over Louis’, replying, ‘I really do.’

 

‘Well, I suppose that’s one thing sorted.’ Louis smiled, but there was still a sadness there which Harry couldn’t ignore. He squeezed Louis’ hand a bit tighter. 

 

Not wanting to push things any further, he let go and, clasping his hands together, said ‘we should get pizza.’

 

Louis laughed lightly, bit surprised by the sudden change of subject, ‘alright then.’

 

Shit, it was hardly after noon and the day was already such a roller coaster, Harry thought to himself as he went to the kitchen to get the pizza place’s number from the leaflet that they had stuck up on their fridge.

 

In the evening, Louis went to work, and that seemed to go much smoother that it had the night prior. Will, however, seemed to have decided to have another weekend away, not making an appearance. Harry was actually really okay with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm a stressful one. Still, hope you're liking the fic! Do let me know :) or just talk to me in general. I'm annanotesxo on everything, so add me on things. twitter, tumblr, insta - go for it! xo
> 
>  
> 
> PS. ARE YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT 'HOME'??? Because I NEED to put it in the fic. At least parts of it. It's so gooooood!


	7. GIFTS AND LOANS

Monday morning. The most hated day of the week. 

 

Except it wasn’t for Harry, because unlike most of the population, his Mondays were free. No lectures. No seminars. Sure, he was supposed to be doing work, but when there are no serious deadlines around the corner, it didn’t seem particularly important.

 

And he had a plan. 

 

His last Monday was a lot of fun; he was introduced to a new side of Louis, to the Rose&Dagger, and he planned on making this Monday just as worthwhile. He was going to get Louis to pick up that guitar. He really wanted him to be happier than he had been over the weekend.

 

So, he headed to his living room with a little skip in his step. He felt excited at the mere concept of finally hearing Louis play. It had been made perfectly clear to him that music was the most important thing in Louis’ life. Joan said he was _made_ for it. Louis said it saved him. It was important and he wasn’t going to let it get lost into nothingness and forgotten because of whatever shitty thing was going on in Louis’ life right now. He was going to get him to play that guitar. That was the goal for today.

 

‘Hello grumpy pants,’ Harry said, hopping onto the sofa, beside Louis.

 

‘Hi?’ Louis said with some surprise, then frowning, added, ‘you look really chipper. I don’t think I like it. And don’t call me grumpy pants. I don’t like that either.’

 

‘Well, I’m not a fan of being called kid, but I deal with it.’ Harry replied with a shrug.

 

Louis shook his head, ‘Whatever.’

 

‘Anyway, I was hoping— well, I thought that maybe—‘ Harry hesitated. Suddenly he saw a gaping flaw in his plan. The last time he asked Louis about why he wasn’t playing music, it did _not_ go down well.

 

‘What do you want, kid?’ Louis sighed, rolling his eyes.

 

‘Well, I was sort of hoping you could show me that sick guitar solo you made up for Toxic.’ Harry said with wide, sweet eyes and a hopeful grin. Yeah, puppy dog eyes were his plan. Very impressive. He felt stupid pulling a cutesy face, especially since Louis was bound to only make fun of it and find it ridiculous. But his dimples and pretty eyes were probably one of his best weapons, really. Or so he was told.

 

Louis frowned.

 

‘I don’t really feel like it right now.’ He said, looking back to the tv. Adverts were on.

 

‘Come on, I’ve not seen you even take that guitar out. I’m starting to doubt there even _is_ a guitar. I’m starting to think that maybe you just used the case to smuggle something into the country.’ Harry said, putting on a very serious, concerned face. Like, comically so.

 

Louis looked at him with a raised eyebrow, ‘you’re a really weird kid.’

 

‘Well, if I’m a weird kid, then you’re a grumpy old man.’ Harry said with a childish grin.

 

‘An old man? Really?’ Louis laughed.

 

‘Well, you _are_ really starting to have this beard thing happening right now. Like, don’t take it in a bad way, but you do have a bit of a homeless look going on with all that facial hair. _Gramps._ ’ Harry teased.

 

‘That is actually so rude.’ Louis frowned, but he was clearly amused, ‘I didn’t expect that from you, to be honest. I thought you were a nice lil’ kid.’

 

‘These cherub curls really do deceive.’ Harry said, shaking his head around so that his hair bounced up and down.

 

‘I can see that.’ Louis chuckled, ‘I am being slowly se— whatever, never mind. Stop being rude, kid.’

 

Harry laughed, ‘play me that guitar solo and I’ll shut up.’

 

‘I’m not a dancing monkey. I hate that. People coming up to you all “ohmigoshhhh you can play the guitar?! Play us something!”’ He said that part in an exaggerated, high pitched voice that was probably meant to portray that of a fangirl’s, ‘it’s annoying. Besides, it’s an electric guitar. They’re not much use without an amp.’

 

Harry knew that excuse was supposed to dissuade him, but it actually made him brighten up, ‘Well the amp part is actually pretty easy to solve, because, quite conveniently, I happen to have a friendwho has a whole room of guitars and probably several amps too. We could pay him a visit. I’m sure he can lend us one.’

 

Louis looked at him a bit caught off guard. He probably thought he had concluded the argument, but still, there he was, being backed into a corner by a grinning, dimpled boy.

 

‘I really don’t feel like playing for anyone right now though.’ He said seriously.

 

Harry thought that over for a moment. He didn’t want to push Louis into something he didn’t want to do.

 

‘Well, you can just play it when you’re on your own. There’s plenty of time when no one’s around during the day. Most of the people around here either work or are students, so you could play by yourself. I still think we should drop by my friend’s and get you that amp.’ He said, confidently. He just wanted Louis to be able to do what he loved again.

 

Louis seemed to weigh that idea in his mind for a while. He didn’t look particularly enthused, but apparently he didn’t feel like disagreeing either because he just nodded slowly. ‘Okay. I guess we can go pick up the amp, if you want to so bad. I’m not sure I’ll be playing anything though.’

 

‘Great!’ Harry chirped, jumping out of his seat. He pulled out his phone from his pocket, and tapped it for a little while before bringing it up to his ear. ‘Hey Niall! You home? Perfect! I have this friend who is in real need of an amp. Do you think you could help him out? You are going to freak out when you see him man.’ He laughed. ‘You just wait. You’re gonna shit your pants.’

 

 

***

 

 

Niall’s reaction wasn’t exactly what Harry expected. Usually, his blonde, cheerful, absolute ray of sunshine friend would be cracking jokes and acting as if he had known a person for years within about three seconds of meeting them, yet here he was staring at Louis with weary, almost accusing eyes and it’s already been about ten minutes. Harry hasn’t seen Niall frown so much since that one time when one of his guitars got caught in the middle of a stupid water-gun fight between Will and this other friend of theirs, Liam. It all happened at what was intended to be a “lads’ holiday” where they were supposed to go out and get absolutely pissed every night, making out with strangers and generally having a wild time, but it didn’t exactly end up as planned. Basically, Niall took a guitar, Liam took his girlfriend, Will took some water pistols and Harry took _a lot_ of fruit, none of which really added up to the going out getting wasted thing they were supposed to be going for. What it did add up to was a big charge for damages to their hotel rooms and, consequently, running out of money for the actual drinking and clubbing thing. It was one of their best holidays, really. 

 

But that frown on Niall’s face. His eyes were narrowed and eyebrows pulled together as he continued his internal assessment of Louis.

 

‘Look, mate, I’m not gonna steal your shit or anything.’ Louis said. After all, he had very recently been told that he looks like a bit of a criminal by Harry and that must have been Niall’s impression too, because there he was, eyeing him like he was on trial or something. ‘I don’t really want to take your stuff at all. It wasn’t my idea.’

 

Niall, who had been quiet for a while, finally spoke, dragging his words out slowly, ‘This is _weird_.’

 

Louis squirmed a bit under the cautious glare of the guy. He was promised an amp, not to be put on show to be stared at. Judged. 

 

‘I know! It’s absolutely mad.’ Harry laughed, grinning. He was apparently really amused by this reaction, probably because it mirrored his own first impression so much. At first, he was just as weary of Louis, which seemed so strange to him now. 

 

‘It’s like one of them weird optical illusions.’ Niall said, still watching Louis like he was some sort of freak of nature. ‘Total mindfuckery.’

 

‘I know,’ Harry kept smiling. Louis wasn’t quite so amused. He hated the situation and just wanted to go out for a smoke, leaving the two to marvel at his existence without him.

 

‘It’s sort of like, you look like him but then you really don’t at the same time?’ Niall said, quirking an eyebrow. He looked more curious now, rather than distrustful, but still seemed a bit reserved.

 

Louis sighed, ‘yeah, yeah. Twins. Weird. Great. Didn’t we come here for an amp or something?’ He turned to Harry expectantly. He was growing impatient and uncomfortable.

 

‘Yeah, Niall. How about that? Do you have anything we could borrow?’ Harry smiled.

 

‘Hm,’ Niall replied, a bit absentmindedly, most of his attention still being on Louis, ‘I guess. I have this smaller one you could probably carry. It’s nothing special, but it’s easy to move around.’

 

‘Great!’ Harry beamed. His plan was all coming together. He turned to Louis, ‘Told you he’d be fine with it.’

 

‘Right.’ Louis grumbled in response.

 

‘Weird.’ Niall said again, before breaking out of his spell and turning to all of his music equipment to pick stuff out for Louis. 

 

Before they left, Niall pulled Harry to the side, speaking in a hushed voice and leaning in closer to him so only he could hear.

 

‘Hey, listen, I’m really not sure about this guy. He really doesn’t seem like he’s part of our crowd or whatever, you know what I mean?’ Niall said, leaning in further and talking quieter, ‘Like, I know he looks like Will, so you might be thinking that he’s like one of us, but he sort of looks like trouble.’

 

Harry looked to Louis, who was standing in the doorway now, the amp that they had packaged up in plastic bags so that the rain wouldn’t get it, because, yes, it was raining _again_ , in his arms. He looked a bit awkward and impatient.

 

‘Are you worried about me or something?’ Harry chuckled. Sure, Louis looked a bit rough around the edges but he was hardly _dangerous._

 

_‘_ I just think he’s acting a bit weird. He looks a bit shifty.’ Niall said, looking sideways at Louis.

 

'Or maybe he’s just a bit uncomfortable because he is being stared at by a strange Irish lad.’ Harry said with another tiny laugh. Niall really was acting a bit ridiculous, he thought. 

 

‘Hm. You’ve got a point there.’ Niall laughed lightly in response, then shrugged. _’_ I don’t know. It’s weird. I’m confused. I’m just surprised that you’re so friendly with him so quickly. I mean, you just met him. I know he looks like Will, but that doesn’t make him your friend and doesn’t mean you should automatically trust him.’ 

 

Harry frowned.

 

‘Well, I trusted Will and it turned out that he hid a fucking twin brother from me, so— I don’t know.’ he definitely sounded defensive. But what was he defending, his ability to judge character or Louis himself? ‘This whole thing is messed up, yeah, but he’s not the one that was lying to us, you know? So, give him a chance?’

 

Niall nodded at that thoughtfully, followed by a smile spreading on his lips, ‘alright then, if you like him, then I guess I’ll just have to like him too.’

 

Harry was slightly confused by the change in spirit, but he just went along with it, smiling thankfully, ‘Yeah, that would be great.’

 

‘Okay,’ Niall said, then, more loudly, announced, ‘I’ll see ya lads later then.’

 

As soon as they left the flat, Harry spoke.

 

‘That wasn’t too bad, right?’

 

‘Remember what I said about people talking _around_ me but not _to_ me?’ Louis just said and suddenly Harry felt really, really bad. They were being so rude. He just realised that he dragged Louis into a situation that the other clearly despised and he felt so bad. He just wanted Louis to meet his friend and get that amp and he really expected the two to get along, considering their mutual love of music. And yet, it somehow ended up a bit tense. 

 

‘God, I’m so sorry.’ Harry said, probably sounding a bit _too_ concerned by it all, ‘it just takes some time to get around the idea of it all, you know?’ 

 

‘Whatever.’ Louis said in a monotone, ‘I’m not really a fan of meeting new people. Or people in general, to be honest.’ 

 

‘ _Really_?’ Harry laughed, ‘and here I was thinking you were a right social butterfly.’ 

 

‘Ha ha. You’re so funny, kid.’ Louis just shook his head. He was probably going for a very indifferent, bored expression, but a tiny smile betrayed him. He wasn’t angry at Harry. He was glad he was there. 

 

 

***

 

 

Later that night, Harry wanted to talk to Louis again. Partly because he wanted to know how the guitar thing was going and partly because he really just simply _wanted_ to. He paused in the doorway though, seeing that Louis was kneeling by the guitar case, lifting the lid open slowly, just looking at the instrument. 

 

Still watching and not really announcing his presence, Harry noticed that there was a lot of little things in there alongside the guitar. All the things were stuffed into a pouch inside, but it all fell out when Louis opened it. Harry saw postcards, photos, little handmade bracelets and a set of keys with keychains very similar to those that Will had. Harry grinned, he didn’t expect Louis to be one of them sentimental people and pretty much keep a memories box inside his guitar case.

 

Then, with some confusion, Harry noticed one of them greenish-blue paper bags that he recognised as what you get your prescriptions in at Lloyds’ pharmacy, which was the one that he went to quite frequently for silly things like allergy tablets or stronger stuff like the painkillers he got prescribed a few months back, after he broke a bone in his foot. There was one of them just down the road from their flat.

 

Wait. Was Louis sick? He didn’t think so. The thing looked unopened.

 

_God._ He was being way too nosy today. None of this was his business.

 

Shaking all the thoughts away, Harry decided to stop just staring and let Louis know that he was there. He quirked an eyebrow in question, ‘are you gonna play?’

 

Louis jumped slightly at his words, looking up. He sighed, turning back to the little mess he made. He started gathering all of the things that fell out of the opened pouch and carefully stuffing them back in there, before putting the lid down again, ‘not yet.’

 

‘Okay.’ Harry said with a soft smile, though he was a bit disappointed. Still, he decided that he at least made some progress in his plan for the day, so he settled on just letting Louis relax a bit and take his time. Finally, he decided switching to a completely different, easy subject, was his best bet, so he simply asked, ‘are you hungry?’

 

They ended up ordering some pizza again because, apparently, Louis was addicted to the stuff.

 

Harry would be lying if he said that he didn’t stay up for hours with his ear pressed against his bedroom door, just in case there would be something to be heard.

 

There wasn’t.

 

 

 

***

 

Harry might have stayed up for a bit too long the night before, because he felt absolutely exhausted in the morning. His body felt very heavy and uncooperative as he tried to rush around the flat desperately, hoping to make it to his 9am lecture.

 

‘Hey,’ a raspy voice said, just as Harry was spinning around and out of the kitchen, causing him to collide with the speaker — a very puffy eyed, messy haired Louis, with a pillow crease imprinted into his cheek. Cute.

 

‘Shit, sorry,’ Harry said steadying both of them. ‘Did I wake you up again?’

 

‘Clearly.’ Louis laughed flatly, rubbing at his eyes. When he stopped and his eyes came to focus, properly looking at Harry for the first time that day, he frowned. ‘What— Why are you wearing that?’

 

Harry looked down, as if he forgot and had to make sure. He was, in fact, wearing a white t-shirt with ‘The Rogue’ written on it in bold black letters. He was very happy when he picked it out of his chest of drawers earlier on, examining it with a smile before he put it on. He thought that it might encourage Louis to play more, reminding him of the music he used to be making — plus, he liked that he had something of Louis’, even though he was reluctant to admit so.

 

But now he was growing unsure because of the strange look on Louis’ face.

 

‘You said I could have it?’ He hesitated.

 

‘Yeah, well, I changed my mind. Take it off.’ Louis said harshly.

 

‘What?’ Harry choked out a little laugh, not sure if he was being serious or not.

 

‘Take it off.’ Louis said with more urgency.

 

‘What? Why?’ Harry frowned.

 

‘I don’t want you to wear it.’

 

‘But you gave it to me?’ Harry was completely confused now. ‘You said I could have it.’

 

‘Well, I changed my mind.’ Louis was now speaking really quickly, raising his voice, ‘I thought I would be okay with it, but I was wrong. I was wrong, so take it off. I don’t want you to wear it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to see it ever again.’ 

 

‘Um,’ Harry felt really lost. And sort of upset. He was so happy about wearing that shirt and now he felt absolutely shitty for doing so. Louis was having a go at him and he had no clue why. Embarrassingly, he sort of felt like crying as well. Being shouted at for something so simple and seemingly insignificant as wearing a t-shirt that was _given to you_ , while also being really tired, was not something he enjoyed in any way whatsoever. 

 

‘Just give it back.’ Louis said holding his hand out in request.

 

Harry complied. He put down his bag and took of the t-shirt, placing it into Louis’ open palm.

 

‘Thank you.’ Louis said. It was flat and cold and he made no eye-contact before he spun around and left Harry in the kitchen. He was cold and sort of mortified, because he just had no clue what he did wrong. And his gift, the little part of his life that Louis shared with him, was taken away, and he felt really, childishly upset about the fact - he felt as if he was a kid suddenly separated from his favourite toy. It was a shitty way to start his day.

 

 

***

 

 

Harry was very hungry and very miserable when he got back to the flat that evening. Louis was already gone and the flat was cold and glaringly empty. 

 

And where was Will anyway? Where was his other flatmate?

 

Ha. Other flatmate. Harry couldn’t believe he just thought that. Louis hadn’t even been staying with them that long and here he was considering him to be an actual permanent resident or something. 

 

It made him sad, because he missed both of them. 

 

He was shuffling around the room aimlessly, not sure what to occupy himself with. He considered making food or watching tv, but he was too lazy for the first and the living room was in a particularly great state of chaos because for whatever reason, Louis seemed to have emptied the entirety of his belongings onto the sofa. And the armchair. And the floor. _Why_ was this guy so messy? How was that even possible? 

 

He sighed looking at the room, deciding that it was best not to touch any more of Louis’ stuff that day, after the events taking place in the morning. Finally, he decided on making himself a hot chocolate and finally heading into his own room to watch tv shows instead of doing uni work. He wasn’t feeling productive at all.

 

He didn’t notice the white piece of fabric and the note attached to it until he grabbed his laptop and turned to his bed, where he planned to lay down and be lazy for the rest of the night. He frowned, slightly confused at the thing, before putting down his laptop and picking the piece of paper up instead.

 

_Sorry about earlier. It wasn’t about you. I feel shitty for reacting like that. Anyway, I figured this would be a good replacement. It’s a much better band, for sure. I think it will look good on you._

 

_\- Louis_

 

Harry lifted the shirt up in front of him. It was another white one, except this one had a Rolling Stones print on it. 

 

Wow.

 

Did Louis really just consider Harry’s feelings for a moment and actually tried to do something nice? It almost seemed like he cared a bit about what Harry was thinking. Was that why all of Louis' stuff was in such chaos, thrown all over the living room? Was it because he was trying to pick something out for Harry?

 

Fuck. What a thought. 

 

Harry couldn’t help grinning. That was a really lovely gesture, right? It wasn’t just him getting all excited about having one of Louis’, _Louis’_ , t-shirts again. Why did he like that so much? And he couldn’t believe that Louis would actually apologise for anything. Ever. So that really surprised him. It seemed so out of character. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he just didn’t have as good an idea of what Louis was like as he thought. 

 

Harry put the t-shirt on and went to the mirror in the hallway. It _did_ fit really nicely. All he wanted to do then was to go to the Rose&Dagger and see Louis, but he was nervous about it because he worried that he might stress him out again unintentionally. So he decided to stay in, not taking off his gift. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems like a bit of a filler. It was supposed to be part of the chapter before, but I didn’t have enough time and was too tired to finish it off and put it in. So here it is.
> 
> thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it! :) 
> 
> feel free to add me/talk to me on twitter/tumblr/instagram, I’m annanotesxo on everything <3
> 
> xoxo
> 
>  
> 
> PS, I realised that there were more trigger warnings I should’ve added for some things that will be mentioned later on — just in case. (depression, anxiety, suicide) Just thought I'd mention it in case people haven't noticed the new tags.


	8. THE OTHER TOMLINSON

Louis was still asleep in the morning when Harry was leaving and he expected him to be gone by the time he came back, feeling a bit downhearted at the concept of not interacting with him that day. It was a really long one as well. He had this group presentation to do for next week with some people from his course and the thing was going _really_ slow. It took them hours to just stop arguing and decide who’s doing what. And so, it was almost 9pm and he was _exhausted_.

 

After he opened the door to his flat, he couldn’t see anyone at first, but the tv was turned up really loud, so someone must have been in. He walked into the living room, but no one was there. Louis’ stuff seemed to have been “tidied up”, which actually meant that instead of being _everywhere_ , it was in just one messy pile on his bag.

 

Harry was confused. Wasn’t Louis supposed to be at work? Would he just leave the tv on like that?  Why?

 

Maybe Will actually came home after his match instead of going to his girlfriend’s flat _again_. But why would _he_ leave the tv on like that? Harry walked back into the hallway and yes, he could see the door to Will’s bedroom was open. 

 

When he got there, the first thing caught his eyes was a pair of red skinny jeans and a striped top, which was a shock because a) he had not seen them in several months, and b) they were not on the person who they belonged to. 

 

‘What the hell?’ He said, wide eyed.

 

Louis turned around, in actual hysterics at Harry’s expression — or maybe just the clothes were enough to make him laugh to that extent.

 

‘Does Will really wear this?’ He said, with a disbelieving and very, _very_ amused expression. The bright clothes that he had been so used to seeing before on his best friend looked so weird and unnatural on his older-looking, rugged and unshaven twin brother.

 

‘Um, not anymore but why—‘

 

‘What was he thinking? This looks ridiculous.’ Louis said shaking his head with amused disapproval.

 

‘Um, I don’t think you should be touching his stuff. He won’t like it.’ Harry said with a small, hesitant frown. Louis ignored him, digging deeper into Will’s closet instead. ‘Why are you going through his stuff anyway?’

 

‘Oh, I just needed something for Friday.’ He sighed, then explained, speaking very quickly, ‘You know, the stupid fancy dress thing. Joan had a go at me for not dressing up last time, but the theme was the 80’s and there was no fucking way that I’d wear leg warmers or shit like that. Fuck that. Anyway, this week it’s superheroes, which I guess is better, but still annoying ‘cause, you know, seeing as Halloween is on Saturday, like, couldn’t Joan make it something more Halloweeny like, i don’t know, horror film characters? That would be pretty cool actually. Not cheesy superheroes. Anyway, I was 100% sure that Will had a spiderman outfit at some point, so figured I should have a look.’

 

‘You can’t just go through his stuff and take it though. He’s gonna be really pissed. You should’ve asked him.’ Harry said with a slightly nervous frown. He definitely did not need a massive Tomlinson brothers row going on in his flat.

 

‘Well, he’s never here, so—‘ Louis shrugged.

 

‘Still, that’s not okay.’ Harry said more insistently. 

 

‘ _Please_ , it’s just clothes.’ Louis rolled his eyes. Then, with a little dry chuckle, he added, ‘You know, once upon a time, our mum actually used to dress us in them overly-cute, but at the same time really, really creepy, identical outfits. Until she read that that wasn’t healthy for development or identity or whatever. She didn’t do that for the girls after that. Anyway, move,’ he said as he squeezed past Harry, who was still standing confused in the doorway, before heading towards the full length mirror in the hallway. Harry followed. 

 

Louis laughed again, then turned to Harry. He did a little twirl and struck a very dramatic pose, putting one hand on his hip and the other behind his head, pouting ridiculously, ‘How do I look?’

 

Harry just stared dumbly at him, mouth falling open slightly as if he was about to say something, but this whole thing was just too bizarre for him — it was like Niall said the other day, like some weird optical illusion.

 

But he didn’t get the chance to actually say anything because, right at that moment, the locks in the door turned and the sound of several voices was heard as they were pushed open. A group of five people, led by Will, poured into the flat, chatting, until all of them stopped dead in their tracks as their eyes fell on Louis — their expressions varied from confusion to absolute horror to overflowing, intense joy. The last one, of course, was Niall, because he was the only one out of the rest of the group who _knew._

 

‘Oh, this is gold. I love this.’ Niall said, mouth falling open in a amazed grin as his eyes darted from one person to the other, taking in each of his friend’s facial expression.

 

‘What the fuck?’ one of Will's friends, Liam, asked his eyebrows pulled tightly together in an intense frown, lips falling open dumbly.

 

‘Oh my god.’ Sophia, who was standing next to him, currently holding onto his arm delicately, said. She was surprised, but composed — unlike her boyfriend. She always looked so collected and almost regal. Even now, surrounded by guys in jeans and t-shirts, she was wearing a really beautiful black dress and she just looked _rich_. Not in an annoying celebrity way, but in this way that makes mouths drop and inspires respect.

 

‘Will?’ Eleanor, said sounding hesitant, anxious. She was standing behind her boyfriend, holding onto his hand with just a couple of her thin fingers. Barely.

 

‘I thought you had work.’ Will said with a frown. Everyone was gaping at them.

 

‘Hello to you too, brother.’ Louis smirked, seemingly enjoying the irritation in his face. Then he shrugged,  'Wednesdays are slow apparently,’

 

It was the first time that Harry saw Louis teasing Will, instead of being uncomfortable or worried around him. They actually did seem like brothers for a moment — even if it was ones that weren’t getting along — instead of complete strangers, which was what they acted like whenever both of them were in the flat at the same time.

 

‘What are you doing in my clothes?’ Will replied, eyes narrowing with some distaste.

 

‘Just trying them on,’ Louis laughed mischievously. ‘We’re brothers, right? Brothers share things. I mean, we shared a _womb._ ’ seeing everyone still staring openmouthed and completely dumbstruck, he threw his arms in the air and, in this overly excited, sort of cheerleader-like voice, said, ‘TWINS! Isn’t that just _great_?’

 

‘This is mental.’ Liam said.

 

‘Just—‘ Will started, then sighed in a resigned way, ‘just get out of my clothes.’ 

 

‘Ay, ay, captain.’ Louis said, doing a little salute in his direction. 

 

Niall burst out in massive, booming laughter. He was clearly trying to hold it in up until then, which just made him look like he was choking, making his eyes water. But now he just lost it.

 

‘I can’t believe—‘ He gasped out, ‘this is so funny.’

 

The rest of the group now looked from him to the two Tomlinsons, heads darting between the two as if it was a tennis game.

 

‘Wait, did you know about this?’ Liam gaped at the blonde lad.

 

‘Only since Monday, but _fuck_ your faces are priceless! This is the best day.’ He grinned, a bit breathlessly. 

 

‘What the fuck.’ Liam said, then turned to Eleanor, ‘Did _you_ know?’

 

‘Um, yeah, obviously.’ the girl said, but she sounded quiet, unsure. She twisted a bit on the spot, clutching her handbag tighter as if not knowing what to do with her body. Harry thought that maybe she hadn’t actually known and was trying to save face. Shit. Did Will really not tell his _girlfriend_ about his twin brother? Did he just stay at her flat nearly every day for the past two weeks and not even tell her? That was fucked up. Poor El. Fuck, Will was really disappointing him recently.

 

‘Sorry guys,’ Will said, turning to their friends, ‘didn’t know he’d be here.’

 

‘What? That is your issue here?’ Liam laughed, ‘Fuck, I’m not sober enough for this shit. What the hell mate? How could you not—

 

‘YEAH LETS START DRINKING!’ Niall interrupted him mid sentence.

 

—tell us about having a twin brother?’

 

Will shrugged, ‘Uh, we just never really got along—‘ he hesitated, ‘and he moved, so it didn’t seem like it mattered.’ Then he turned away from them and started heading to the living room, ‘anyway, lets start drinking.’

 

‘Didn’t seem like it mattered? Are you fucking kidding me?’ Liam was outraged and started following him, gesticulating wildly. ‘This is weird as fuck. Why would you not tell us?’

 

Louis then reappeared wearing his usual black t-shirt and skinny jeans. He hurried over to his brother, putting an arm around his shoulder, 

 

‘We thought it would be funny. Like a prank. But I guess it got out of hand.’ He laughed. ‘Right bro?’

 

‘So this was like a joke?’ Liam frowned, thinking hard.

 

‘Sure, yeah, lets go with that.’ Will said unenthusiastically.

 

‘Do you always dress like that?’ Liam asked, gesturing to Louis’ outfit with a raised eyebrow, ‘Not gonna lie, you sort have this weird evil twin look going on.’

 

Louis barked out a laugh, looking down at himself, ‘I sort of do a bit, don’t I? It’s all the black and the tattoos isn’t it?’

 

‘Yeah, like, looking at you, I feel like I’m in one of them weird long-running tv dramas where the plot gets so stretched and ridiculous and suddenly there are estranged evil twins trying to take over the other’s lives or people having plastic surgery to look like other people and steal their identity or I don’t even know. My mind is fucked.’

 

‘Same mate, same.’ Niall said with a little chortle, enjoying just watching everything that was happening with bright eyes.

 

‘Well, you got me!’ Louis put his arms up in surrender, ‘That _was_ actually my plan— to take over Will’s life. That’s why I was trying on all the clothes, you see. Just had to figure out a way to get rid of him.’ He said, putting on this thoughtful, sinister, villain voice. 

 

Harry was a bit annoyed at how easily the two were making conversation.

 

‘Just spike his protein shakes,’ Liam laughed, ‘he sure drinks enough of them.’

 

‘Hey El, do you want me to fix up your makeup a bit?’ Sophia said loudly, sounding more as if she was announcing that they were leaving the room to the rest of the group, rather than asking her friend a question. It seemed like an excuse to go off and have one of them “secret girl chats”.

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ the other girl replied quietly, before being dragged by her arm away to the bathroom. They slipped out without any of the guys making much of it.

 

‘Oh man, that would be the _worst_ part.’ Louis sighed dramatically, ‘All the training and the talking about training and bragging about training— I don’t know if I’d be able to keep up the facade. Maybe it’s not worth it.’

 

‘Ha ha.’ Will said unenthused, ‘I’m _so_ glad you two are getting along, but can we just start—‘

 

‘So—‘ Liam continued talking to Louis, ignoring Will, ‘do you have any good stories? Like embarrassing ones?’

 

‘Oh, _do_ I?’ Louis smirked, 

 

‘Fuck this.’ Will said under his breath, throwing his arms up, heading out of the room towards the kitchen. He was rummaging through their alcohol cupboards which was, not at all unexpectedly, running a bit low. Noticing that Harry had followed him, he turned around frowning, ’Where’s all our drinks gone?’

 

‘Well—‘ Harry started.

 

Will sighed, ‘Never mind, I figured it out.’ He rubbed at his eyelids a bit, clearly trying to compose himself, ‘I thought he’d be out. Why didn’t you tell me he was home?’

 

‘I had no idea.’ Harry said quickly, ‘And it’s not my fault that you brought _everyone_ down here without even the tiniest bit of a warning. Why didn’t _you_ tell me that you were inviting everyone over?’

 

‘It’s Wednesday. We’re going out to student’s union. You know, like we always used to?’ he rolled his eyes, ‘you never would’ve minded me bringing people over _before_.’

 

‘Some warning would be nice though.’ Harry shrugged. He was feeling a bit tired. There was a lot of loud laughter — most likely Niall — coming from the living room, mixed in with the sound of the tv which was still turned up at full volume.

 

‘Yeah, yeah, you’re right, I guess.’ Will sighed, deflating. ‘How about I go get some more drinks and you go and put on some music. Like, what even is that shit that’s playing on tv?’

 

‘I don’t know some reality show thing, we weren’t actually watching it.’ Harry shrugged, ‘At least it’s not ‘Educating Joey Essex: Reem Halloween’. 

 

‘What?’

 

‘I saw an advert for it.’ Harry shrugged. Quite honestly, he sort of wanted to watch it for a laugh.

 

‘Well, whatever. Lets just put music on, get pissed, go out. That’s all I need right now.’ He said, walking past Harry and to the living room, ‘Anyone wants to go to the shop with me?’

 

‘Nah, mate.’ Niall laughed, ‘Get us some Guinness though.’

 

‘Thanks a lot.’ Will just rolled his eyes, leaving them behind.

 

Harry went to grab his laptop from his room, before heading to the living room. He plugged it into some speakers that they had there and put on the first party playlist that he could find, switching off the tv.

 

The next hour of the night was a bit weird. Everyone seemed to be disappearing and reappearing,  walking off and having conversations among themselves, everything being a bit chaotic.

 

First it was just Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis, discussing embarrassing Will stories with the last few beers that Harry managed to find in their flat. Then Will appeared with more alcohol, being met with loud cheers. The girls came back into the room soon after that, but as soon as they sat down by their boyfriends, Louis and Liam decided to go out for a cigarette.

 

‘Anyway, gonna go for a smoke,’ Liam announced, getting up and giving Sophia a quick little peck on the lips before saying, ‘Sorry, I know you hate it.’

 

She rolled her eyes with a sigh, but said nothing. She never hid the fact that she thought his smoking was stupid.

 

‘I’m gonna come down with you.’ Louis offered, jumping up at the chance. ‘I mean, I usually just smoke by the window but—‘

 

‘Wait, they let you just smoke _in the flat_?’ Liam said outraged, ‘Will always kicks me out the door!’

 

‘It’s _Harry_ that lets him smoke here.’ Will grumbled, then added, louder, ‘The landlord says no smoking and he’s a dick, so sorry, but I have to be on good terms with the man if we ever want that fridge replaced.’

 

‘Yeah, whatever mate.’ Liam laughed it off, grabbing his jacket before heading for the door with Louis, laughing at some joke as they were leaving. 

 

Harry felt really stupid for thinking it, but for a moment he _wished_ that he was a smoker, just so that he could go down with the other two and know what they were talking about. Of course, he wasn’t going to start that up any time soon. Or ever, hopefully.

 

As it was getting later, everyone was getting louder, the conversations more exaggerated — Niall started Irish stepdancing to Kesha for no reason that man could comprehend. 

 

‘So, are you coming with us?’ Liam asked loudly, turning to Louis. Louis who was leaning against the arm of the armchair that Harry was sitting in at some point earlier, but now somehow ended up sat on his lap, chatting with Liam.

 

‘He can’t come, he’s not a student. He doesn’t have a student ID.’ Will joined into their conversation, stopping his football chat with Niall. 

 

Harry didn’t know exactly how Louis ended up on his lap really. Sure, they were a bit short of seating spaces, but no one else was on anyone else’s laps. Eleanor, Will and Niall were sat on the sofa, opposite them, on the other side of the coffee table were Liam and Sophia, each sat on their own chair, which were actually Harry’s and Will’s desk chairs that they dragged in from their bedrooms. And then there was Louis. On his lap. Just there.

 

‘Um,’ Liam looked around at everyone to make sure if he wasn’t the only one thinking that Will’s statement was completely dumb, ‘sure he doesn’t have a student id but there’s sort of a _really_ easy solution to that problem.’

 

‘Like what?’

 

‘He can use _yours_?’ Liam raised an amused eyebrow, because Will was acting sort of slow. Or maybe more resistant and unwilling to cooperate with the conversation, rather than just slow. 

 

‘But I’m using mine.’ he frowned.

 

Liam sighed and rolled his eyes, ’Well, you’ll get in, then you’ll pass your ID over to us, then he’ll get in. It’s not difficult.’

 

‘It’s not even your sort of thing.’ Will turned to Louis, since he probably had no decent counter for Liam’s idea. It really did seem sort of simple. This whole having someone look exactly like you, sure made sharing an ID easy.

 

Louis shrugged, ‘There’s alcohol. There’s loud music. I’m down for it.’

 

‘LET’S PLAY RING OF FIRE.’ Niall yelled out of nowhere, making all the heads turn towards him.

 

‘What’s that?’ Louis turned to Harry then, asking him, specifically him to explain. 

 

‘Um, It’s a drinking game.’ Harry said in slow monotone, sort of distracted by how close Louis was. He had to look away, so he turned his eyes from the blue ones staring at him, to the group of people in the room. ‘Come on guy’s we’ve been playing that for a year now, aren’t you sick of it?’

 

‘NEVER.’ Niall shouted with determination, hopping off the sofa. ‘Where are the cards?’

 

‘I’ve never played it.’ Louis stated simply, then laughed flatly, ’We never really needed a game to motivate us to drink, to be honest.’

 

Harry weighed his words for a moment, then nodded, ’Okay then, I guess it’s sort of a right of passage for you then. Um, can I get up? I need to grab stuff from the kitchen,’ He said a bit awkwardly.

 

‘Yeah, yeah, sorry.’ Louis jumped off him quickly, letting him past.

 

‘Come on, Niall, this way.’ Harry said, gesturing the excited Irishman to follow him, ‘let’s go get them cards.’

 

He went to the kitchen and dug out a very creased, discoloured - because of many drinks clearly having been spilled over it over time - piece of paper with rules of the game jotted down on it in messy black felt-tip marker.

 

Niall appeared behind him.

 

‘You know what, mate?’ Niall said. He was so pink cheeked and wide eyed already, even though they hadn’t even started any drinking games. Harry just looked at him with a slightly confused expression, so he continued, ‘I changed my mind. The guy seems alright. Like, the way you look at each other, it’s nice. If you like him, I like him.’

 

‘Um, what?’ Harry choked out in answer. What was this silly Irish boy saying? ‘We’re not—‘

 

‘Okay, okay. I know, it’s probably weird because of Will, so shhh.’ Niall said, imitating himself zipping up his lips with his fingers.

 

‘No, I mean, there’s nothing going on. There can’t be.’ Harry said, frowning.

 

‘Riiiiight.’ Niall smirked.

 

‘I mean— wait, do you actually— um, what?’ Harry mumbled for a moment, lost, ‘you think there’s something going on between us? I mean me and Louis?’

 

‘Well, yeah, isn’t there?’ Niall asked dubiously.

 

‘No.’ Harry said quickly, then paused before pulling Niall closer and asking in an insistant whisper, ‘why? do you think there might be? Like is that even possible? Can, like, one twin be gay and the other not? ‘Cause I didn’t know.’

 

'Hey, I'm no gay expert or whatever, but I think there's something there, so-' he shrugged with a cheeky smile. 

 

‘Okay, _this_ ’ Harry gestured between them, ‘this conversation never happened, okay?’

 

Niall just nodded, ‘Of course,’ repeating the zipping up his lips motion.

 

Harry sighed, shit, this day was exhausting, but, admittedly, growing more fun. 

 

He picked up their little relic of a rules sheet, a pint glass and a pack of cards, which was sticky and horrible and probably missing a couple them, before the both of them headed back to the group. He handed Louis, who apparently had not sat down, but was leaning against the arm of the chair, waiting, the piece of paper as soon as he got there with a warm smile.

 

Then he proceeded to set everything up.

 

Niall cheered. 

 

  

Louis read the handwriting which started of meticulously, before turning into a wild mess a few words in. There were little notes and doodles all around the page as well. Still, these were the rules:

 

 

**A- WATERFALL – First person starts drinking, everyone must keep drinking until they stop! (DOWN IT BABY!!)**

 

**2- YOU – choose someone to drink**

 

**3- ME – PRETTY OBVIOUS!!! (you drink)**

 

**4- WHORES – girls drink**

 

**5- THUMB MASTER— THE MASTER OF THE THUMB!!!! When you put your thumb on the table everyone must follow. Last person drinks. You are the thumb master till someone else picks a five.**

 

**6- DICKS – guys drink**

 

**7- HEAVEN – Point your finger in the sky, last person to copy, drinks (same as thumb master, pretty much)**

 

**8- MATE – Choose someone to drink with you (they drink every time you drink)**

 

**9- RHYME– Pick a word, go round the circle, everyone has to come up with a rhyme to it, first to fuck up drinks.**

 

**10- CATEGORIES - Pick a category. Everyone has to say a word from the category. First to fuck up, drinks.**

 

**Jack- MAKE A RULE – You can make up any rule that everyone has to follow, (e.g. you can only drink with your right hand). Everyone (including you) must follow this rule for the whole entire game and if you disobey you must drink.**

 

**Queen- QUESTIONS –** ~~**Go around in a circle and you have to keep asking questions to each other. Doesn’t matter what the question is, as long as its a question. Whoever messes up and does not say a question, drinks.** ~~ **( OR JUST DO NEVER HAVE I EVER — who cares!)**

 

**King- POUR!- Everyone puts a tiny bit of their drink into the pint glass in the middle creating a massive, filthy DIRTY PINT. FOURTH KING DRINKS THE DIRTY PINT! (game ends)**

 

 

 

The game was a classic, apparently, or so Louis was told.

 

Also, apparently, it was far more strategic than it might’ve seemed at first glance. 

 

‘We sort of gang up on Liam, to get him the most pissed.’ Harry chuckled into Louis’ ear. Louis was on his lap again, leaning in to hear what he was saying, squeezed together really closely.

 

Louis looked over to Liam. Sophia was sitting beside him, their fingers intertwined, knees bumping against each other softly, looking into one another’s eyes as if they were having a silent, secret conversation. Couple fucking goals.

 

On the other side were Will and Eleanor. Eleanor was clinging onto his arm, while he talked animatedly to Niall about sports, looking sadly at the other two every now and again, clearly envious. 

 

‘Why don’t you sit on the sofa with them guys?’ Liam asked casually, seeing that Louis was looking that way, ‘Niall move over, make some space, let the guy sit down properly.’ 

 

‘No!’ Niall exclaimed dramatically, ‘I have hurt my leg while doing my beautiful dancing and I need all this space!’ He said sprawling himself over even more of the sofa, turning to Harry with a very obvious ‘I got u covered,’ look.

 

‘I’m fine over here.’ Louis shrugged, looking down at Harry, ‘you?’

 

Harry just nodded, biting down on his lower lip, thinking about what Niall said. How Niall was acting. Shit. Was there something? Could there be something? It's not like he hasn't thought about it before.

 

Fuck. They just didn’t have enough chairs.

 

 

 

***

 

 

‘Didn’t you just come in?’ The person in the box office asked, genuinely scratching their head in confusion, staring from the little picture on Will’s ID to Louis’ face.

 

‘Must’ve been some other guy.’ Louis just shrugged unbothered. Liam and Niall standing behind them in the queue on the verge of tears, trying to keep in their laughter. Harry wasn’t sure what made the situation so hilarious to them. Maybe it was how annoyed and unwilling Will was to go through with the plan. Maybe it was how Louis just shrugged without the slightest hint of worry in his face, playing it so cool. Maybe it was the way that the person behind the counter was frowning, probably questioning their thinking processes. Or eyesight. Or sanity.

 

Still, they shook their head confusedly, letting them past and operation get Louis in was a success.

 

Liam and Niall were ecstatic. And very drunk, obviously.

 

As soon as the Harry and Louis came through the doors and into the nightclub, full of other students, particularly horny first-years, a girl ran up to Louis, throwing her arms around his shoulders. She literally threw herself at him, making him stagger back a bit in shock.

 

‘Wiiiiiill,’ she cheered drunkenly, ‘I’ve not seem you in _forever_. How are you?’

 

‘Um, good thanks.’ Louis said awkwardly, trying to free himself out of her embrace.

 

She pouted, ‘Hey, what’s up, are you okay? You look a bit— I don’t know.’

 

Another girl, clearly a friend of hers, came up, staring him up and down,

 

‘I don’t get it?’ She said slowly, frowning.

 

‘Don’t get what?’ Louis asked confused, narrowing his eyes wearily. He seemed very unhappy about how forward they were being. But, then again, they were convinced they knew him.

 

‘Like, what are you dressed up as? I don’t get it. Is it like some sort of themed football society social or something? Like, what are you wearing?’ She chuckled.

 

‘Yeah,’ the other laughed, ‘what _are_ you wearing?’

 

Louis, of course, was wearing what he was always wearing: skinnies, vans, band t-shirt and denim jacket — all black, all faded.

 

He frowned back, clearly offended. 

 

‘I don’t know, what are _you_ wearing? Did the little asian ladies run out of fabric at the sweatshop when they were making this knock-off dress or—?’

 

Harry’s mouth genuinely dropped in shock — and so did the girls’.

 

‘What the fuck? Fuck you, Will.’ She spat out, turning to her friend, ‘Come on, lets get out of here.’

 

‘Oh my god, Louis, that was awful.’ Harry said, still shocked. ‘How could you just say that?’

 

Louis shrugged with distaste all over his face. 

 

‘Seriously though.’ Harry continued, ‘like, first of all, that was so mean, and, second of all, oh my god, Will is gonna get into so much shit for what you’ve just said. I think that was one of his teammates’ girlfriends!’

 

Louis just said, ‘let’s just get a drink.’

  

The place they were at was the biggest club in their town and it was only for students, which basically meant cheap drinks and a lot of people feeling each other up on the dance floor, but Louis wasn't impressed.

 

‘The music sucks.’ Louis said, more into his plastic cup of beer than to Harry.

 

Another person walked up to them, waving their hand with wild excitement at the sight of Louis, then stopping when they got closer.

 

‘Will!’ this new girl chirped, slurring her words a bit, ‘hey, how you doinnnn’?’ She walked right up to him, placing both of her hands on his shoulders, ‘You look a bit ill, are you okay?’

 

‘Yeah, I’m fine. _Thanks._ ’ Louis said, the last word coming up with seeping sarcasm and a tight lipped smile.

 

It didn’t stop at that. People kept coming up to Louis, understandably mistaking him for Will, throwing their arms around him, shouting greetings, and shit, Harry forgot just how many people Will knew.

 

Louis just looked increasingly more uncomfortable and annoyed. Fidgeting and chewing on the inside of his lip.

 

Harry got pulled away for just a moment by a person he knew from his course, when he noticed that Louis was on the move, speeding out of the place, dodging the many people in his way. He said a quick ‘excuse me’, before almost running after him, across the big hall.

 

When he made it out, Louis was still close, which made Harry sigh with relief. He hadn’t lost him.

 

‘Hey!’ He shouted after him, ‘where are you going, are you leaving already?’

 

Louis snapped around, clearly surprised.

 

‘Yeah, sorry,’ he replied flatly, ‘I have enough of all the “are you okaaaay, hun”, “you look a bit ill”, “you sure you’re okay?” Guess I’m done with basically constantly being told I look like shit. Like, _sorry_ for being the uglier twin.’

 

‘Um,’ Harry frowns. ‘No.’

 

‘What do you mean “No”?’ Louis asked, mocking Harry’s low voice.

 

‘You’re not ugly. You’re not the uglier twin.’ He said, sounding maybe a bit too defensive somehow. Then he lightened his tone, adding, ‘I mean, I guess you could eat some more veg, you know. Get them vitamins. But you are not ugly.’ Harry laughed, ‘I happen to think you’re very attractive.’

 

‘Right.’ Louis said sarcastically.

 

‘I mean it.’ Harry insisted, ‘You’re hot.’

 

Louis laughed, ‘yeah, whatever.’

 

‘Hey, I’m giving you compliments here, so stop with the sass.’ Harry just shook his head at him. ‘The polite thing is to say thank you.’

 

‘Um, thank you?’

 

‘You’re welcome.’ Harry smiled, ‘Now lets go home. I mean, if you want to. We don’t have to stay.’

 

‘Home, right.’ Louis sighed bitterly, before letting out a dry chuckle, ’I don’t even have a home.’

 

Harry rolled his eyes, then grinned, ‘Well, you’re staying with us, so that’s your home — or interim home at least. You’re an honorary flatmate.’

 

‘Yeah, I guess.’ Louis said unconvinced, before turning to Harry with a sigh and slightly anxious eyes, ‘I was just thinking about what Liam said, you know. The evil twin thing — I mean, obviously, that’s a dumb joke, but I sort of feel like I _am_ just barging in and trying to live Will’s life, instead of living my own. I mean, I’m in his flat, I’m eating his food, watching his tv, spending time with his friends. It's like I'm not me. It's not my home, it’s his. I don’t _belong_ here. It’s like I’m becoming his shadow again.’

 

Harry thought that over for a moment, chewing on his lip, frowning. Sure, it was probably a bit early to be calling their flat home, but the idea of Louis not feeling like he had a place he could go to, a place he belonged, really upset Harry. He wanted Louis to feel like he had a home.

 

‘You definitely aren’t Will.’ Harry began decisively, but still keeping his voice soft, ‘You might be in his flat — out flat — but you’re not like him at all. You’re not a shadow or whatever. You're Louis. You are definitely you and you’re welcome in our flat and we’re going home. This place is stupid anyway.’

 

He grabbed Louis by his arm and started leading him in the direction they came from just an hour before. Louis just mumbled out an ‘okay’ without any resisting.

 

When they eventually managed to get back, they were met with the sight of the living room at the epitome of messiness. There were cups and half-drank bottles and sticky playing cards everywhere and, taking it all in, Louis turned to Harry with a little dry laugh, ‘yeah _this_ does actually look like my sort of home.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, just your usual student’s night out, I guess. 
> 
> I swear, we played that game constantly and a dirty pint is the most rank thing in the world because there is always that one person drinking some sort of coconuty milky crap and that just does NOT mix well.
> 
> I hope this made sense and was easy enough to understand. It was a) a bit rushed and b) I don’t know how universal this pre-drink then student union nightclub thing is. I've got friends who study in London and say that they don't have one.
> 
> To be honest, regarding the uni experience, this fic is so not realistic because there is NO WAY that Harry and Louis could afford a flat in London just between the two of them, that isn't absolutely falling apart. No chance. I don't study in London and still, all that I can afford is a room in a house of 7 people and EVERYTHING SEEMS BROKEN IN THIS PLACE. It's annoying.
> 
> but, anyway, you don't need my life story, so I should just shut up haha
> 
> Oh, and just in case you wanted to know, I am SO mad about Sophiam breaking up (and I know this sounds really bad just because it’s so selfish, but still) because I wrote them in as the perfect “goals” couple in EVERY SINGLE FIC I AM WORKING ON FFS. They just look so good together. I mean, I don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, but THEY JUST LOOK SO GOOD TOGETHER. I’m heartbroken. 
> 
> Also, I wanted to post the next chapter tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ll be able to until after Halloween. (I’ve got essays to do. ew.)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying it! It’s a lighter chapter. Next one is pretty cute overall too. I mean, it’s never perfect, there are always issues, but it’s cute overall. Basically, giving you a little break before the real shit goes down in the chapters after that.
> 
> So, you’ve got that to look forward to! haha
> 
> As always, comment and/or get in touch with me on my twitter, tumblr, instagram (I am new to that one and need more people on so I will follow back). I’m annanotesxo on everything. If you do follow me, let me know that you came over from here :)
> 
> HAVE A SPOOOOOOKY HALLOWEEN!
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo
> 
>  
> 
> ps. no one reads through this for me before I post, so sorry for any mistakes!


	9. NEXT TO YOU

Sure, Harry didn’t drink that much the night before, nothing compared to how much he would have drank on a night out in first year, but this late night followed by an early morning of lectures thing definitely was not in any way enjoyable. He wasn’t hangover or anything, but he felt exhausted and every cell in his body was screaming ‘get back to bed, you idiot’. Sadly, he couldn’t comply. He really shouldn’t have stayed up so late, but he wanted to make Louis feel like he had friends there, like he had someone who enjoyed his company, and he thought that the best way to do that was just to _be there_. Somehow, his simple question of ‘do you mind if I just hang out here for a while?’ led to hours of watching pointless, boring tv shows in near silence. But it felt nice. Just being there, instead of on his own. He hoped Louis felt the same way. He stayed, sat next to Louis, until he was on the verge of genuinely passing out from exhaustion and decided to head to his room. He thought it was a miracle that he even managed to get to his bed.

 

And now, as he so often did when he was cursed with early-morning lectures, he was running around, gathering up his notebooks in a frenzy and hunting for any sort of food that he could easily eat on the way. The sound of soft, dragging steps made him snap away from rummaging through one of the kitchen cupboards.

 

‘You make too much noise.’ Louis noted matter-of-factly.

 

‘Sorry,’ Harry said sheepishly, feeling really guilty.

 

‘You talk to yourself when you’re in a rush too.’ Louis informed him, followed by a loud yawn. 

 

‘I do?’ Harry said, instantly feeling mortified. 

 

‘Well, it’s more like mumbling and it’s mainly a lot of “for fucks sake”s and, like, really defeated sighs. It’s really funny actually.’ Louis said with the tiniest of laughs. ‘You drop things a lot too.’

 

Harry knew that. Clumsiness was unfortunately one of his most prevalent traits.

 

‘Well, I’m glad it amuses you, but I gotta run. See you later?’ Harry said, settling on grabbing an apple for his on-the-go breakfast and making his way past Louis.

 

‘Have fun with your learning, kid. Study hard. Get good grades. _Succeed._ ’ Louis said with spectacular sarcasm. 

 

‘I will try my best.’ Harry laughed in return. ‘See ya.’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis said lazily, with a dismissive wave, as Harry was making his way out the door.

 

 

***

 

It was only 2pm when Harry got back to the flat, but, for some reason, none of the Tomlinsons were there. He figured Will had stayed at Eleanor’s the night before, probably having many arguments over the fact that he didn’t tell her about having _a fucking twin brother_ and, hopefully, managing to get through them and make up. The two had a bumpy relationship sometimes, but in the end they always settled their differences, which Harry was really glad about. He definitely did not need a broken hearted Will in his home right now on top of everything else, so them being able to sort out their drama on their own and move past it was always something he was thankful for.

 

And Louis? Maybe he went to work early. Or maybe he went out to do whatever else Louis does beyond sitting on their sofa and drinking or standing behind the bar handing other people drinks. If there was one thing Harry knew, was that Louis definitely had a whole other life that he had never experienced and probably a lot of things to do or people to see in the few spare hours he has during the days. He was curious about it, of course, but he also realised that maybe he should be spending more time doing things that didn’t involve thinking about Louis so much. He had to get back to his own life a little bit. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

A loud bang snapped Harry out of his sleep later that night. He didn’t know when exactly he had dozed off, but it was really late now, probably already in the a.m. hours, and the sound of the door of the flat being slammed with much more force than necessary woke him, startling him a bit. His eyes snapped open, staring into the darkness of his room, his body tense, with an unpleasant chill going down his spine. He could hear muffled sounds of some things crashing and maybe some quiet curses that he couldn’t really make out. It made Harry freeze completely, his not fully awake mind convinced that someone had broken into the flat to murder him.

 

But then logic kicked in and he figured out it must’ve been Louis. He sighed, closing his eyes with some relief from the panic, but still feeling like something wasn’t quite right. He was too tired to stay awake and find out.

 

 

***

 

When the morning came, it was Harry’s turn again to crash into things and curse to himself, as he ran around trying to get ready. He never learnt. He never set his alarm clock to an earlier hour or tried to fight the incredible urge to press the snooze button just one. more. time. But he wasn’t met with the quiet, raspy-voiced, puffy-eyed Louis this morning, so he felt the need to check on the guy — or maybe just got so used to him that he couldn’t even start his day without seeing him.

 

Louis was sprawled on the sofa, fully clothed, wearing the same things that he left in the night before, as if he had just collapsed onto the thing. His skin looked greyish and his hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat. He looked unrested and a bit sick. Harry frowned, bothered by the image. Louis looked like a mess and Harry wasn’t expecting to find him that way. It reminded him of the first time that Louis came back from seeing his friends and he hated that he didn’t come to check up on him when he heard him barge into the flat. A part of him felt something was off the night before and he cursed at himself for not listening to it and checking why Louis was making about twice as much racket when coming in than he usually had. 

 

The man stirred slowly, lifting his head slightly to turn towards Harry with lazy, bloodshot eyes, ‘Do you want something?’ The words came out low and hoarse and cold.

 

‘Oh, shit, I didn’t realise I woke you up. Sorry.’ Harry said quickly, startled. ‘I didn’t mean to.’

 

‘Then why are you standing there staring?’ He frowned.

 

‘I wasn’t.’ Harry replied — a blatant lie. ‘Are you okay?’

 

‘Fucking fantastic. If you don’t want anything, kindly fuck off, will ya? I feel like shit.’ He said harshly, laying his head back down and shutting his eyes.

 

‘Is there anything I can do?’ Harry asked, concerned.

 

‘Just leave.’ Louis sighed, ‘I’m tired.’

 

‘There’s something wrong.’ Harry said with a frown. The words seemed to be something between a statement and a question. 

 

‘There always is.’ was the response and, even though the vagueness of it might have usually irritated Harry, right then, it just made him sad and worried.

 

‘Well, what is it?’ he asked softly, compassionately.

 

‘It’s really nothing, kid. Just had a bad night. It happens.’ Louis said emotionlessly. He didn’t sound angry with Harry for pressing these questions on him, he just sounded sort of resigned and worn out. 

 

Harry felt like they were constantly going in circles, because every time that he thought that things have calmed down, something changed and everything was difficult again. Every time that he thought that he was getting closer to Louis, the guy turned all cold and distant on him again. 

 

He pondered on what to say next for a while, biting down on his bottom lip slightly. 

 

‘Louis?’ He said, softly, hesitantly, making the other lift his head slowly, looking at him unenthusiastically. ‘Next time you have a bad night, you could come and talk to me instead of getting really drunk or whatever you did last night. Like, I’m here. I said I cared and I meant it. So just come and see me— if you ever feel shitty.’

 

‘I don’t need your amateur therapy sessions.’ Louis replied dryly, dropping his head back down and closing his eyes again.

 

‘I’m not asking you to come and spill all your deep, dark secrets or whatever. I know you have your own things going on that I know nothing about. But we could just hang out or something, I don’t know.’ Harry wasn’t sure exactly what he was saying. ‘It’s just— I mean, I guess I just don’t want you to feel like you have to keep these things back. If something is bothering you— um, I don’t know. Basically, just feel free to see me whenever you’re having a shit night because shit nights are always worse when you’re by yourself, you know?’

 

Louis didn’t answer him for a while, which made Harry a bit tense.

 

‘Okay, whatever.’ Louis said sounding indifferent. Harry thought that it probably either meant that he thought over the offer and maybe accepted it, or that he really just wanted him to go away.

 

‘Okay.’ Harry replied, then looked at his phone, ‘shit, I’m really late. I’ll see you later.’

 

‘Right,’ Louis said dismissively.

 

 

***

 

When Harry came back later that afternoon, he immediately felt that the atmosphere of the place was different than that morning. He walked towards the sound of the tv and found Louis there, just as he always was. His hair was wet, so he must have had a shower recently. He looked refreshed and it made Harry sigh with relief.

 

‘Hey,’ he said, taking of his jacket. The day was much warmer than he had expected and he was flushed from the walk home. He took off the soft jumper he had on too and Louis stared as the t-shirt underneath got pulled up along with, uncovering some of Harry’s stomach. Louis’ eyes traced the thin line of hair of Harry’s happy trail slowly, looking lower and lower— and then the shirt was quickly pulled down and his eyes darted up to meet Harry’s.

 

‘Hi.’ He said with a small smirk, an expression that turned into a full, genuine smile when his eyes actually focused on Harry’s clothes, ‘You’re wearing my shirt.’

 

‘Actually,’ Harry said with a cheeky grin, feeling freer to talk now that Louis was in a better mood. ‘it’s _my_ shirt. Well, unless you’re gonna take that back from me too.’

 

‘Nope. All yours.’ Louis said, smile still there.

 

‘Good.’ Harry grinned proudly, ‘Well, how do I look?’ he said, doing a little twirl and posing as if he was doing a fashion add. He looked very serious.

 

Louis laughed, shaking his head at the sight. Harry stopped, looking at him expectantly. He responded to the look by lifting both of his thumbs up. 

 

‘Perfect.’ Louis’ eyes were so warm for once that Harry couldn’t help the wide, goofy smile now spreading on his face.

 

‘Thanks.’ He said, biting down on his lip slightly, which wasn’t helping the goofy smile situation in the slightest. He felt a bit embarrassed because of how happy he was in that moment. He decided to change the subject, ‘You wanna watch something?’ he nodded towards the tv, ‘we could put a dvd on, instead of, you know, watching another re-run of Friends.’

 

‘Oh,’ Louis’ face fell slightly, ‘I gotta go soon, actually.’

 

‘So early?’ Harry’s expression mirrored Louis’.

 

‘Yeah, Joan wants me to put some decorations up for tonight, just to take them off later and put Halloween ones on again tomorrow.’ He shrugged, ‘apparently, she’s pretty serious about this Fancy Dress Fridays thing.’

 

‘Oh.’ 

 

‘It sucks, but at least I’ll go a bit darker tomorrow, put some face paint on, mix some creepy looking drinks.’ He smiled lightly again.

 

‘You’re dark enough on your own.’ Harry laughed.

 

Louis rolled his eyes, ‘Whatever kid.’

 

‘Well, I’ll leave you to get ready then.’ Harry said with a smile, though it wasn’t a completely genuine one — he wished he could be with this happy Louis for longer.

 

‘Yeah, okay.’ Louis nodded, ‘I’ll see you later, then.’

 

‘Yeah, see ya.’ Harry said, waving awkwardly as he backed out of the room.

 

When he got there, he dropped himself straight on the bed staring at the ceiling with a smile that could not be fought off. The warm, happy look that Louis gave him earlier was replaying in his mind. Beautiful blue eyes, so bright that he felt momentarily blinded — more accurately, blind to everything _except_ those eyes. Shit, how much he wished that Louis could always look like that, always have that light in his eyes.

 

But he didn’t.

 

 

***

 

 

Later in the evening, Will finally made an appearance, after all the time that he had spent at his girlfriend’s flat. 

 

‘I’m back Harold!’ He announced as he walked into Harry’s room. He had this weird expression on his face, the sort where you’re smiling, but it’s a smile to preserve appearances rather than a happy one. 

 

‘For how long?’ Harry asked sceptically. 

 

‘Properly back.’ Will replied with a smile and a nod.

 

‘For real?’ Harry asked, but all his reluctance was already turning into excitement. His friend was back.

 

‘Yeah.’ Will said, then he turned more serious, confessing, ‘El is having some issues with the whole twin thing. We actually spent a lot of time arguing about it.’

 

‘Oh.’ Harry said. This was exactly what he was expecting, ‘Well, do you think you can sort it out?’

 

‘Eventually,’ he sighed in response. ‘She’ll get over it. Obviously she’s mad that I didn’t tell her, but I think she understands that I had my reasons for not saying anything. But she says I need to sort myself out first before we can sort out our relationship.’

 

‘Sort yourself out how?’ Harry asked.

 

‘Basically,’ Will started, putting on a higher, shrill voice, ‘ _stop being such a child and hiding out here and deal with your fucking problems_.’

 

Harry snorted. 

 

‘Well, I can’t lie, I do agree with her.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah.’ Will rolled his eyes, ‘I know.’

 

After a moments silence, Harry spoke again.

 

‘I’m glad you’re back.’ he smiled.

 

‘To be honest, I sort of wish I could stay away for a little while longer, but it seems like I don’t have a choice.’ Will shrugged. ‘How’s Louis doing?’

 

‘It’s all a bit mixed,’ Harry said, deciding to go with the honest answer, ‘but I’m pretty sure he’s gonna stick around. I don’t think he’s lying about that. As long as he thinks he has the reason to, I think he’ll stick around.’

 

Will nodded, taking that in.

 

‘Thanks,’ he said with a hesitant smile, ‘for looking out for him. You’re probably doing a better job at it than I ever had. You don’t let things slip by you as much, you know? You’re better at paying attention and figuring people out, I guess. I’m shit at all of that. I need people to tell me how it is, you know. That’s what I need. Straight to the point and simple.’

 

Harry nodded, then laughed lightly, ‘yeah, Louis definitely isn’t simple. I’m not sure how well I am doing with that figuring him out thing though.’

 

‘Hm,’ Will thought that over for a moment, ‘I still think you’ll be better at dealing with him than me.’

 

‘Are you just saying that because you don’t want to deal with him yourself?’ Harry snorted, raising a challenging eyebrow.

 

‘I mean, maybe a bit, but it’s still all true.’ His friend shrugged.

 

‘Okay then.’ Harry smiled, saying, ’I’ll keep my eye on him.’ as if there was actually a chance of him tearing his eyes off of Louis any time soon. It seemed like turning away from the guy was no longer an option for him. He was stuck, forever keeping his eyes on him.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Maybe it was the fact that Will was back or maybe it was the fact that Louis seemed so much happier earlier that day that made Harry feel so relaxed and drift into sleep so easily. Because everything seemed simple for a moment. His dreams were weird but calm, so he wasn’t all too happy about suddenly being torn from them by a knock on his door.

 

At first he didn’t think it was real. The sound merged with his dream world, so he was utterly confused when the door to his room opened and a barely visible dark figure made their way in, but didn’t move further into the room, just stood there, lingering by the door.

 

‘Harry?’ the dark figure whispered and it was Louis. Harry knew it was him, even though he couldn’t really see the person’s features. He recognised him, eventhough he wasn’t even a hundred percent sure he was really there. He lifted himself up slightly, resting on his elbow.

 

‘Yeah?’ He answered, his voice low and raspy. 

 

‘I, um—‘ he said, unsure, swaying a bit as if struggling to decide whether to come closer or go back. Finally, he sighed and, with a sad defeat in his voice, said, ‘I’m having a bad night and— I just don’t want to be alone right now.’

 

Harry considered that for a moment. It took him a while to process things. He felt a bit like he was hovering somewhere between dream and real world. 

 

‘Would you like to stay here?’ He finally asked.

 

‘Can I?’ the voice was tiny and unsure.

 

‘Yeah,’ Harry said softly, dropping himself back onto the bed completely, adding, ‘just don’t get your filthy jeans in my bed. I’ve seen you sit on dirty, wet pavements in those.’

 

‘Um, okay.’ Louis chuckled lightly. He walked into the room then, but still stayed a couple of feet back.

 

After a moment, Harry pulled back some of the duvet, patting the uncovered space, ‘get in then.’ then turned around, his back facing Louis.

 

Louis quickly pulled off a jumper and his jeans, before finally making his way onto the bed, beside Harry. He leaned in closer. His hand hovered over Harry’s side, as if not knowing what to do. Louis wanted to put it around Harry, to hold him, but as soon as his skin touched Harry’s the boy jumped back in shock.

 

‘Jesus, fuck. You’re freezing!’ Harry yelped. Louis’ fingers barely grazed his skin, but it was enough for a massive chill to spread down his body.

 

‘Oh, sorry.’ Louis said sounding genuinely apologetic, moving back. ‘Sorry.’

 

‘Shit, how are you so cold?’ he asked with sleepy confusion.

 

‘Well, it _is_ the end of October. Gets pretty cold at nights.’ Louis explained lightly.

 

‘Huhm,’ Harry nodded, accepting the answer.

 

‘I’ll move back.’ Louis said quietly.

 

‘No, come here.’ Harry said, clutching Louis’ wrist and pulling him closer, wrapping Louis’ arm around his torso. He tugged on his wrist a bit more, signalling for him to get even closer, Louis complying until most of their bodies were touching.

 

There were visible goosebumps forming on Harry’s arms from the sudden coldness, but he still latched on. He shook a couple of times with big shivers, but it went away pretty quickly. He didn’t let go. Louis could feel the warmth spreading down his whole body. Harry was like a human radiator. 

 

Louis buried his face in Harry’s hair for a moment, breathing him in. It was intoxicating. 

 

‘Thank you.’ he whispered softly into Harry’s ear.

 

‘Mhmm.’ was Harry’s answer, his mind already far away, going back into dreamland.

 

As he was drifting off, he had no idea whether this was all real or not.

 

 

***

 

Waking up with Louis Tomlinson’s arms around him was a strange experience for Harry. It took a while to process. It seemed to make perfect sense in his half-awake state to invite Louis into his bed, but now it seemed more complicated. First of all, Louis’ half dressed body was pressed against him and, second of all, it dawned on Harry that he was there because something was _wrong._ That’s why he came into Harry’s room in the middle of the night, struggling to even approach him. He was there and he didn’t want to be alone and Harry could not ignore that — he would never ignore that. So, it seemed obvious that he should stay. That’s why he came in there, right? He wanted to be around Harry, instead of on his own, even though he seemed so hesitant about it. So Harry let it happen. He let Louis in. Quite honestly, half-awake Harry would probably have agreed to even the most ridiculous of Louis’ request in that state. Pop out and jump on a train to Paris? Why not? Rob a bank? Sure. Start a boyband? Okay, sign me up! 

 

Ha. Louis in a boyband. Now that would be a sight, Harry chuckled quietly.

 

But he knew he couldn’t stay any longer, it was an unpleasant and disappointing realisation, as he remembered that he had plans that day and felt extremely disillusioned. Part of him wished he could stay there forever and it pained him that he had to get up and go somewhere else. 

 

Harry wiggled out from under the covers as delicately as he could manage, placing a pillow in his place ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ style. Louis frowned for a moment at the switch, but eased into it again pretty quickly. Harry stared at his soft, relaxed face. He stared at the long eyelashes. He stared at the slightly parted lips. He stared. And he was definitely so glad that he had woken up first, because it would’ve been really awkward if Louis noticed what was going on in Harry’s pants right now. 

 

He really needed to get out of there, even though he wanted to stay longer, just laying there next to Louis. He had to get up and go get in that shower. And he knew exactly who he would be thinking about while he whacked one out.

 

Before running out of the flat in his usual haste, Harry quickly jotted down a note, placing it beside Louis. 

 

 

_Hi, I hope you’re feeling better. I have to meet up with some people to work on a group project. Also, just thought I’d warn you, Will is back._

  _Harry xx_

 

 

He still couldn’t believe that it was all real.

 

 

***

 

 

‘Holy shit Louis, you look terrifying.’ Harry gasped when he ran into him. Louis’ face was a blinding white colour, with dark shadows around his eyes and his lips were a cold purplish-grey colour. There was a thin trail of blood-like liquid painted on, as if overflowing from his mouth and flowing down his chin and over his exposed, thin neck. Harry’s eyes lingered on Louis’ jawline. For some reason, the fact that the fake-blood was a deep black colour made the whole thing creepier. Of course Harry jumped at the sight of him. It was only natural. He wasn’t expecting to walk into _that_ , in his own kitchen. With the thoughts of Louis spending the whole night pressed against him swarming around in his mind all day, Harry completely forgot that it was even Halloween. ‘You’re gonna scare all the kids on the way.’ 

 

‘Thank you.’ Louis smirked at his startled expression, after all, that was his goal. Well, maybe it wasn’t his goal to scare Harry specifically, but looking scary was definitely on his ‘to do’ list. He seemed so proud and Harry smiled, amused by what seemed like a really pure, childish joy that was peering through the cracks in Louis’ exterior. He just found out another thing that Louis liked and it warmed him up inside. Louis liked Halloween. Hopefully, he would be happy today.

 

 

***

 

Harry was already in bed when their flat’s door slammed shut, signalling that someone had come in. He was feeling so incredibly sleepy from eating all these sweets and chocolates that he had left over. There weren’t many kids living in the building, even though it was massive. There were five, maybe. The thing is, Harry was perfectly aware of that and yet, he picked up the most enormous mix of sweets from the shop earlier that day. And then he ate too many.

 

Some time later, there was a knock on his door. It was a quiet, light one, just as the night before. Half of Harry leapt in joy, knowing that it was Louis behind them, and half of him felt crushed because it probably meant that Louis was upset again. Basically, he felt bad for feeling happy.

 

‘Come in.’ He said, barely loud enough to be heard through the door. Louis slipped inside, closing it behind him. He stood there, staring at the floor and chewing on his purplish-painted lip. 

 

Harry’s face fell, ‘Another bad night?’

 

Louis lifted his head up, his eyes big and seeming unsure.

 

‘Will you tell me to leave if I say no?’

 

Harry thought the words over for a while. 

 

‘No.’ 

 

Louis paused for a moment and, even though he couldn’t really be sure because of the darkness of the room, he thought that he was smiling. He was making Louis smile. He was making him happy, even if it was just for a moment, and he could never get bored of that.

 

‘Move over then.’ Louis said, making Harry giggle. Giggle, like a tween girl.

 

Harry turned around then, looking at Louis more earnestly, ‘So you’re alright?’

 

Their faces were so incredibly close.

 

‘Yeah. I am now.’

 

 

***

 

The next morning Harry’s eyes snapped open at the sound of loud chatter and laughter. He definitely recognised the laugh. It was Niall.

 

Shit. Niall and Will always go for some early practice on Sunday mornings, which means that there are two of his friends in the flat and Louis is in his bed and they have no plausible explanation for it. What would they say? Even saying that Louis slept over because he was having a bad night wouldn’t be true, because he hadn’t, he wasn’t at all upset when he crawled into Harry’s bed several hours ago. 

 

‘Louis.’ Harry said in a harsh whisper, very lightly shaking his shoulder. ‘Louis, wake up.’

 

Louis groaned for a moment, before opening his eyes that were clouded with sleep and searching for the source of the annoyance. They fell on Harry’s panicked face.

 

‘What’s up?’ Louis asked, yawning loudly and stretching his arms.

 

‘Shh. Shut up. We have a situation.’ Harry said in the same hushed voice.

 

‘What is it?’ Louis frowned.

 

‘Will and Niall are right outside and you’re in my bed and that’s not good.’ his voice was strained.

 

Louis chuckled. 

 

‘God, imagine. Will would go mental.’

 

‘It’s not funny, what do we do?’

 

‘Um,’ he thought about it for a moment. ‘You go, distract them. Maybe take them to the living room and I’ll just sneak into the bathroom. Wash this face paint off me. Simple. No need to stress.’

 

‘There _is_ need to stress. They’re gonna think we fucked.’

 

Louis smirked, ‘Would that be so bad?’

 

Would that be so bad. Fuck. Now Harry’s heart was banging wildly inside his chest at the mere idea of having sex with Louis. It was a very bad idea though. Awful, awful, amazing idea. 

 

‘Yes, it would! You are my best friend’s brother. It would be really messed up. He would freak.’ Harry started chewing on his thumbnail, ‘this is not good.’

 

‘Jesus, kid, relax. Go distract them and I’ll get out of here.’ Louis rolled his eyes with a sigh, getting out of the bed unenthusiastically.

 

Harry quickly put some joggers and a t-shirt on and got out of the room, heading for the kitchen.

 

‘Lads! My best mates! My favourite people!’ He grinned, slightly breathlessly, at the two, causing them to raise their eyebrows at him as if he had lost his mind. Smooth.

 

‘What’s up with all the love?’ Niall laughed.

 

‘Um, just nice to see you both here. Do you want to come play fifa?’ He asked. That would get them out of view of his bedroom and plenty distracted. It would all be great if his voice wasn’t an octave higher than usual.

 

‘Uh, I don’t know if I can be bothered to be honest,’ Will said.

 

‘Niall, you up for it?’ Harry quickly turned to the other guy, who was grinning.

 

‘Always up for absolutely wiping you out.’

 

‘Please, you wish.’ Harry rolled his eyes dramatically, even though he knew perfectly well that Niall will absolutely, one hundred percent, destroy him during the game. He won against Niall maybe once, during the past year of their friendship.

 

Still, it worked and they moved from the kitchen. Success.

 

‘Do you know where Louis is?’ Will asked looking around the place.

 

‘What? No. Why?’ Harry replied, more flustered than he should have been.

 

Will just raised a questioning eyebrow, but didn’t ask more about it. Harry had promised him that Louis intended to stay with them for the time being and, as long as that was true, he was fine with whatever his brother was doing. He just needed him to stick around. 

 

After a while of playing and laughing at Niall’s excited, full of curse words commentary, Will turned to Harry, with a puzzled expression again.

 

‘What’s all that white crap in your hair?’ he frowned, with a little snort.

 

‘Huh?’ Harry turned to him, wide eyed and having no clue what his friend was on about.

 

‘You’ve got all this white crap in your hair.’ Will said again, pointing towards his head.

 

‘Do I?’ Harry said, lifting himself off the sofa and towards the mirror in the hallway. Shit. Half his hair _was_ covered in white, ‘uh, um, it’s dry shampoo.’

 

‘Oh. Right.’ Will said, ‘Well, no offence mate, but maybe you should opt for a shower instead.’

 

Harry just fidgeted awkwardly, ‘Yeah, yeah, whatever.’

 

Right at that moment, Louis appeared from the bathroom, a towel over his hips. He was wet and steamy and hot and Harry was lost for words.

 

Which didn’t go by unnoticed by Niall, who, up until then, didn’t care much about the whole hair conversation, but now, as his eyes were darting between one and the other, he started noticing something suspicious. He looked more closely at Louis, who’s face was pink from being scrubbed quite harshly, trying to get all the face paint off. Except, he didn’t quite manage it, little white patches still remaining in places, latching onto his stubble, his eyes still lined with black, as if he was wearing eyeliner. Then he looked at Harry with his blaringly white stained hair.

 

Niall was thinking hard. The remains of white face paint that wasn’t completely washed off. The white in Harry’s hair. A little crease formed between his eyebrows from the deep frown on his face. 

 

Face paint. Hair. Face paint. Hair.

 

Then he audibly gasped.

‘Holy shit.’ he whispered.

 

The three turned towards him quizzically.

 

‘What?’ Will asked.

 

‘Oh, nothing, nothing.’ He said quickly. Harry looked at him still confused and slightly anxious, because the little Irish boy seemed way too excited about some revelation of his and that was rarely good. It made him nervous. The whole morning was making him very nervous.

 

Niall kept staring with a little, tiny grin and it made Harry uncomfortable. It was a similar look to that that drunk Niall was giving him back on Wednesday and he knew what the look meant. Another awkward conversation about him and Louis appeared to be around the corner. Literally. As soon as Harry excused himself to go to the toilet, Niall immediately followed, dragging him sideways into the kitchen. Cornering him. 

 

‘Did you two fuck?’ He asked excitedly, but trying to keep his voice down. _Why_ was he so happy? 

 

‘No.’ Harry said instantly, his voice strained. ‘No, no, no.’

 

‘Huh.’ Niall frowned confused, ‘Why are you acting so weird then? And what is it with that face paint in your hair, then? ‘Cause it sure looks like you fucked.’

 

‘We didn’t fuck.’ Harry whispered harshly, decisively, yet somehow it felt as if the sentence wasn’tquite over.

 

‘But—?’ Niall dragged out, trying to get him to carry on.

 

‘He might have stayed in my room last night. But we didn’t fuck. We aren’t, like, secretly together or whatever you think. It’s all platonic, so if you could kindly chill out and stop staring, that would be great.’ Harry explained quickly, though he knew that once Niall was convinced of something, it was nearly impossible to discourage him.

 

‘It’s all very platonic?’ Niall snorted, raising an eyebrow in amusement, ‘Jesus, if you’re this awkward just because you two went for a kip together, imagine what you’ll be like when you finally do it.’

 

‘We’re not gonna _do it_ , thank you very much.’ Harry snapped.

 

‘Mate, it’s inevitable.’ Niall rolled his eyes with a laugh, ‘You’re just denying yourself fun or whatever, I don’t know. Go get laid, you’re clearly too uptight.’

 

‘Niall.’ Harry said, sounding distressed and appalled, ‘He’s Will’s _twin brother_.’

 

‘I’m aware. You also have the hots for him though.’ Niall chuckled.

 

_That_ Harry could not deny. Niall had won and both of them knew that.

 

Harry was completely fucked.

 

As soon as Niall left and Will retreated to his room, Harry dropped himself onto the sofa next to Louis. He sighed, apparently very exhausted. Harry knew that Louis had most likely already come to that pretty obvious conclusion, but he voiced it out loud anyway. 

 

‘Maybe you shouldn’t sleep over anymore.’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being late I've had SO MUCH to do over Halloween weekend! And now I'm writing like crazy and will hopefully get back on track. :) Hope you're enjoying this still! 
> 
> Also, heads up, there will be a shorter, light chappy next and then a really stressful one after that. Prepare thyselves.
> 
> As always, leave comments and get in touch with me on any social media if you like, I'm annanotesxo on everything. (let me know if you're from here when you add me though)
> 
> xoxo


	10. DARK NIGHTS AND EXPLODING SKIES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't usually post notes at the start, but I thought I will this time because this one of the chapters where they talk about the shitty stuff I put warnings about in the tags. There’s nothing graphic. Still, difficult subjects.
> 
> Anyway, hope you'll like this. xo

Harry didn’t sleep well, mainly because he spent most of the night imagining Louis beside him. Just laying there, asleep. Okay, maybe he was imagining more than that. Many, many completely inappropriate things.

 

Not good. Not good.

 

It was late in the morning, getting really close to noon, but Harry was still hiding away in his room, pretending to sleep. He didn’t want to go outside and face Louis quite yet, especially because of the dirty, dirty things that had been going on in his head for most of the morning. God, he was pathetic.

 

He braved it finally. He got up, got dressed and headed to the kitchen first. He started making himself a sandwich, then found himself making two instead. He took them both to the living room, where Louis was sat. Surprisingly, the tv was off. Instead, Louis was sat on the sofa with some sort of small notebook.

 

His head snapped up to look at Harry, who had just walked in with two plates in hand.

 

‘Oh, hey, you’re awake.’ Louis he said, then gestured to one of the plates. ‘That for me?’

 

‘Yeah.’ Harry said, smiling shyly.

 

‘Cool.’ Louis said, chucking his little notebook onto the coffee table and leaning towards Harry to grab the plate from him. Once he had it, he instantly lifted the sandwich and took a massive hungry bite of it. He was still chewing, when he said, ‘Can you like— leave for a few hours?’

 

What a weird way of thanking someone for making you breakfast, Harry thought with a confused frown.

 

‘Why?’ he asked.

 

‘I just— you know what, never mind. I can’t kick you out of your house. Ignore me.’ Louis said, shaking his head, ‘forget it, it’s stupid.’

 

‘Just tell me why,’ Harry sighed and rolled his eyes.

 

‘I thought I might try writing something.’ Louis said hesitantly.

 

‘Writing something?’ Harry immediately perked up, ‘Oh, you mean like, music?’

 

Louis nodded, chewing on his lip and avoiding eye-contact for some reason.

 

‘Sure, I’ll get out of your hair. You do that. I’ll go to the library. I’m behind on work anyway.’ Harry said with a wide smile. It was partially true, he did have work to do, but it wasn’t anything urgent. Harry really wanted to play it cool but he was so excited at the prospect of Louis writing that he was definitely grinning. It must have meant that Louis was feeling better, right?

 

‘Thanks.’ Louis just said before finishing his sandwich in silence.

 

 

***

 

 

Harry didn’t get any work done at the library. All that he managed to do was sit there, thinking about finally hearing Louis play something, something that he wrote himself, and wondering how much time was long enough before he could go back home without looking too eager. He wanted to give Louis enough time to play and write, but he also really wanted to come back home and see him doing it.

 

He decided three hours was okay. He couldn’t wait any longer. He wished he had some way of contacting Louis to make sure he was done, but he realised that he still hasn’t gotten him a phone. How the hell did he manage that?

 

He grabbed a new simcard from a shop on the way home, before almost skipping into the flat, he was so excited. But there wasn’t any music playing for him to overhear. All that he heard was the tv and with every step he felt like the likelihood of him hearing a musical masterpiece by Louis Tomlinson was getting smaller and smaller.

 

‘How did writing go?’ Harry beamed, even though Louis’ facial expression screamed disappointment and lethargy. He was just staring emptily at the tv again, clutching onto a beer bottle.

 

‘Shit.’ he replied coldly.

 

‘Oh?’ Harry said, spirits dwindling.

 

‘I thought I had something to say— I don’t know.’ Louis tried to explain, ‘Maybe I don’t know how to anymore. Or maybe I’m just not ready.’

 

Harry nodded along, frowning sadly. He didn’t like the way that Louis seemed to have given up so easily or believed in himself so little.

 

‘Well, there’s always tomorrow.’ He said with a small smile.

 

‘Right,’ Louis replied flatly, not looking to Harry.

 

He got up and walked over to the window to smoke. Louis’ eyes went instantly absent, staring blankly outside as soon as he lit that cigarette, so Harry knew that that meant that the conversation was over and headed out of the room and into his own.

 

Soon after that, he heard Louis leave the flat to go to work.

 

 

***

 

 

Hours later, Harry was in the middle of his third episode of ‘How to get away with murder’, his eyes barely staying open, when there was a knock on his door. Not having expected it, and also having his head filled with images of violent murders courtesy of the tv show, Harry jumped up in his bed with a frightened gasp, almost dropping his laptop on the floor.

 

‘Um, come in,’ he managed to choke out after a moment. Considering the late time of night, he knew who was behind the door.

 

‘Hi.’ Louis said quietly, biting down on his lip. He looked exhausted and a bit upset, his expression making Harry frown. ‘I know we said, we shouldn’t, but do you mind if I sleep here tonight?’

 

Harry’s heart started beating faster, because that’s all that he wanted. He realised that the thing about trying to deny yourself something that you really want, is that it never actually works. Instead, you want it more, with every second. And what Harry wanted was just to get closer to Louis again. To touch his skin. To feel the warmth from his body as they are pressed together. So his answer was pretty easy to predict.

 

‘Um, no. That’s fine.’ he said, stumbling over his words, slightly nervously. ‘You’re gonna have to get out of here before Will wakes up though.’

 

‘Sure.’ Louis smiled lightly, seeming to perk up a little bit. Harry nodded, reciprocating a smile.

 

Louis frowned, ‘Did I interrupt you watching something?’ he asked pointing to the laptop next to Harry.

 

‘Um, no.’ Harry mumbled, ‘Actually, yeah, you have but I was almost falling asleep anyway.’

 

‘Oh.’

 

‘Yeah, don’t worry about it.’ Harry smiled. There was a moment’s silence before Harry started to get up. ‘I’ll put this away.’ he said, taking his laptop over to his desk. ‘Oh, wait, I have something for you.’

 

‘Yeah?’ Louis asked confused.

 

‘Yeah.’ Harry smiled. He turned back to Louis from looking at his desk and walked over to him, handing him his old iPhone with a delicate smile, ‘it’s only a four and the screen is a bit cracked, but it’s the best I have and, like, you _need_ a phone. It’s 2015.’

 

‘You’re giving me a phone?’ Louis asked, his eyebrows raised with surprise.

 

‘Yeah, we’ve talked about this remember?’ Harry smiled.

 

‘God, that seems so long ago.’

 

‘I know, right?’ Harry chuckled, then lifted the phone closer to Louis, ushering him, ’Take it.’

 

‘Yeah, okay. Thanks.’ Louis said, taking the phone carefully.

 

‘I put my number into it.’ Harry informed him. ‘And Will’s and our friends that you’ve met. I don’t know, I figured that might be useful. Just in case.’

 

‘Yeah, thanks.’ Louis nodded absentmindedly.

 

‘You’re welcome.’ Harry smiled. He smiled because Louis seemed really genuinely thankful and he wasn’t a guy who said thank you's often. He remembered how much that used to infuriate him. Harry then put his hand lightly on Louis’ shoulder, getting his attention, ‘do you want to go to bed or do you feel like watching a tv show or something?’

 

‘I’m really tired.’ Louis sighed, ‘Sorry.’

 

‘That’s perfectly fine with me,’ Harry laughed softly, reassuringly. ‘Let’s just go to bed.’

 

‘Okay.’ And after that, everything felt so incredibly normal and right as the two lay beside each other, quickly falling asleep.

 

 

***

 

 

Louis was gone by the time Harry woke up, which both surprised him and extremely disappointed him. How did Louis even manage to wake up before him? It was only 8am, did the guy had some magic internal clock or something? Because Harry definitely didn’t, as he pressed snooze for the fourth time.

 

Fuck, he was running late again. He grabbed his stuff and a banana and only stopped running around to look into the living room. His eyes lingered on the angry little human tangled up in a sleeping bag and blankets that he had grown so attached to over just a few weeks. Everything around Louis seemed like chaos, but it was a chaos that he had now began to love.

 

Still. He had to rush out.

 

 

***

 

 

Maybe he shouldn’t have given him that phone, Harry thought, after literally sitting there for an hour staring at the screen of his own. If he hadn’t then he wouldn’t be sitting there pathetically, desperately wanting to talk to Louis, while also not really knowing what to say. What did he want to say exactly?

 

_Hi, I miss you. x_

 

He wrote, then immediately deleted it. Sure, it was true, but he could never write that. That would have been the worst idea to date. Still, a part of him imagined how amazing it would be if maybe, if he did send it, Louis would reply that he missed him too. It was stupid.

_Hi_

 

He wrote instead. Just that. That’s all that he came up with.

_what’s up Curly? something wrong?_

 

God this was embarrassing. Of course Louis assumed something was wrong — Harry did give him the phone “just in case”. It was embarrassing because Louis thought Harry actually had a reason for texting him instead of just being a bit desperate to talk to him.

 

_No, all’s good. :) Just wondering how you were :)_

 

God, so embarrassing.

 

_i’m okay. gotta get back to work though. cya_

 

Harry didn’t want to admit how disappointed, sad even, that made him.

 

_Okay, see you later x_

 

Shit. Oh no. Did he just put a kiss at the end. It was this completely reflex thing. He always put x’s at the end of his texts, unless he didn't know where he stood with a person. But he did know where he stood with Louis, really. He was the stupid teenage boy with a hopeless crush on his best friend’s brother who he could never have.

 

And Louis never wrote back, which meant that Harry spent the rest of the night in state of absolute stress, overthinking everything.

 

Later, when a knock on the door of Harry's room, followed by Louis coming in quietly, Harry was laying there very tense and nervous. Which Louis picked up on.

 

‘You okay?’ Louis asked with a raised eyebrow, ‘You look really weird.’

 

‘No, I’m fine.’ Harry replied but it sounded a bit strained. Louis clearly didn't care about any 'x' at the end of a text. He was acting completely normal, unlike himself. Yet he couldn't quite relax.

 

‘Do you want me to leave?’ Louis frowned with a puzzled expression.

 

‘No.’ Harry said, almost to quickly. Never, he thought.

 

 

***

 

 

In the morning, Louis hadn’t magically left yet before Harry’s infuriating, way too loud phone alarm woke both of them up.

 

‘Hi,’ Louis said in a very raspy whisper but Harry just grumbled some nonsense in return, pressing snooze without any conscious thought — it became an automatic response for him, it seemed. ‘I’m gonna go, before Will gets up.’ Louis said lightly before getting up right away, finding his things in near darkness and disappearing through the door without another word.

 

Harry didn’t know how the guy managed it. He really wouldn’t have expected Louis to be able to get up so easily, considering how much time he spent never getting up from the sofa. Finally, he too managed to get out of bed and out of the flat. He only said a quick hello to Louis before leaving.

 

 

***

 

 

When Harry came back home later that day, the flat seemed empty. It was completely silent. The tv wasn’t on, so he guessed Louis was gone.

 

He walked to the living room lacking any interest or enthusiasm, but that instantly changed when he saw something completely new in front of him. Yes, Louis might have been gone, but his things were sprawled all over the living room — and it wasn’t the usual things like clothes a dirty dishes and crumpled up wrappers.

 

Harry tried to figure out why exactly Louis left his guitar out, still connected to the amp, with the guitar case wide open and all the little things that he saw there previously, laying inside it in full view. There was also that familiar little notebook on the coffee table and an empty packet of cigarettes. He must have ran out, which was probably why he was out of the house — getting more.

 

Louis was writing again, Harry thought and the prospect excited him. He couldn’t help grinning at all the things in front of him. All of Louis’ little personal belongings, now on full display. Right in front of him.

 

No. Harry. Don’t do it. Don’t do it, he thought to himself as he stared at the open guitar case, full of little Louis things.

 

He walked up anyway, cursing at himself with every step, kneeling beside the thing to look through all the items inside, unable to help himself. You’re such an awful person. You can’t just go through people’s stuff, a part of him kept saying, but he ignored that little voice.

 

He was now running his fingers over some glossy postcards, examining them. They all looked like the cheap, cheesy sort you get from tourist stalls and they were from all sorts of places in the US. Some of them were written on, but, clearly, none of them posted. Some of the writing was crossed out. They had messages like _‘Hey girls! Hope your birthday was good. I wrote a new song today. Miss you loads. I ~~’ll come and visit you soon, promise~~.'_  

 

It seemed really heartbreaking that these never made it to his sisters. Harry put them away. He knew he shouldn’t have been reading them.

 

Then, he looked through some photos of smiling Louis, Will and their little sisters, with teeth-missing grins and summer tans, which were mixed up with the postcards.

 

Then his eyes caught all the medicine there, dropped into the guitar case. There was the unopened paper bag and then there was a worn-looking strip of tablets, which was missing some. On the back of it, black, thick letters written with sharpie said, **DO NOT TAKE! NOT FUN!**

 

Weird.

 

He read the sticker on the unopened paper bag. It was prescribed two weeks ago. Both the opened tablets and the sticker said ‘Cipramil (citalopram)’. The unopened bag also said 20mg a day. Harry didn’t know what it was for, but he felt really anxious about the idea of Louis being sick. He probably wouldn’t tell Harry if he was and that really bothered him.

 

Suddenly, the door of the flat slammed shut, breaking Harry away from his snooping. He tried to put the things back and move from the guitar case as fast as possible, but he was too slow.

 

‘What are you doing?’ Louis asked with a frown. Oh, he looked really angry. Harry dropped the medicines down, getting up hastily.

 

‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to look—‘ Harry started.

 

‘And yet somehow you did.’ Louis said bitterly.

 

‘I mean, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched your stuff.’ Harry rushed the words out apologetically.

 

‘Yeah, you shouldn’t have.’ Louis said coldly, pushing Harry out of the way as he walked up to the guitar case and closed the lid harshly.

 

Harry stood there uncomfortably.

 

‘I’m sorry Louis. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was just so curious and you say so little about yourself.’ Harry said quickly.

 

‘Oh fuck off, you don’t look through people’s stuff, it’s that simple. So, if you could just do me a favour and get the fuck away from my things, that would be great.’ He said bitterly, ‘And you don't need my life story, so stop asking for it.’

 

Shit, he fucked up. If he was making progress with Louis, he definitely took about a hundred steps back now, with just that moment of weakness. He invaded his privacy. How was the guy going to trust him enough to tell him anything now?

 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

 

‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’ Harry said, backing away a bit with a sad expression. Yet he couldn’t help the questions burning inside his head, ‘but can I just ask you something?’

 

‘You can ask, but I don’t promise an answer,’ Louis said flatly, dropping himself onto the sofa, not looking his way.

 

‘Are you sick or something?’ Harry asked cautiously.

 

‘Ha.’ Louis snorted. He spoke dryly. ‘Sure, I suppose I am.’

 

Harry frowned, he didn’t understand the response.

 

‘Um, is it like, serious?’ Harry asked. ‘Should I worry?’

 

Louis looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. He laughed.

 

‘Jesus, you’re such a little drama queen, I swear. You see a couple pills and you shit your pants.’

 

‘Well, sorry for caring.’ he said defensively. Nice. Very passive-aggressive.

 

‘You know what you should care about? People’s privacy. Yeah, that would be just swell, if you cared about that.’ Louis replied, his tone similarly sour.

 

‘Yeah, I know, I fucked up.’ Harry said genuinely apologetic, even though he was also really annoyed at the way Louis was attacking him for being interested in his wellbeing. Was it really so wrong? ‘So I shouldn’t be worried?’

 

‘No, just go and mind your own business, kid.’ Louis shook his head with a sigh.

 

But Harry couldn’t just do that and, even though he knew he probably should’ve just left Louis alone instead of forcing more questions on him, he decided to ask just one more. He couldn’t make the situation much worse, right? ‘Why does it say **DO NOT TAKE**  on some of them?’

 

He asked quickly. Louis groaned and rolled his eyes as if the whole thing was just one massive annoyance to him, but he responded anyway — very, very bitterly.

 

‘Cal and Oli — you know, the guys from my band — they were dumb as fuck. They liked to try out anything that resembled drugs in any way. They would take anything they could get their hands on and see if they could get high off it. They’d take a fuckload, just to make sure.’ Then he sighed, getting visibly irritated, and spoke quickly, ‘Fuck. The amount of times we had to rush them to hospital because they overdosed on some random shit they found in someone’s medicine cabinet— and hospitals aren’t so cheap over there. Or when i had to stick my fingers down their throat if I caught them doing it. It’s vile. Fucking twats. I hate them so much. Genuinely hate them. It’s ‘cause they couldn’t afford the real stuff. Zayn,’ he laughed dryly, ‘See, Zayn didn’t have that problem. People fucking adored him and would give him _anything_ he wanted. He could fuck his way into the best coke in town, you know.’ he went really dark then, ‘people would fucking do anything for him.’

 

Harry was really shocked at all of that — he didn’t actually expect Louis to share any information with him after he had so rudely overstepped his place and invaded his privacy. But he did.

 

‘Anyway, that’s why it says ‘do not take’, because they would have otherwise.’ He rushed out the words. ‘I— I can’t talk about this anymore.’ He paused for a moment, then walked to the window and lit a cigarette.

 

‘Okay.’ Harry said, unable to find any better words. ‘Sorry, again.’

 

Louis turned to him with only slightly hostile, expectant eyes, ‘Just— leave.’

 

Harry complied. He knew he wasn’t in any position to ask to stay and spend time with Louis, even though that’s what he wanted most. He had made him angry. He made things bad between them and he hated himself for it. So, he listened to Louis’ request. He left and he stayed in his room for the rest of the night.

 

Harry wanted to check what the medicine was for, but he forgot what it was called. He also thought that, even if he did, he probably shouldn’t. It wasn’t any of his business, Louis was right. And he felt so, so awful. Was it really worth it? Looking through that stuff because of a moment of curiosity? Was it worth breaking the trust that was growing between them? It was probably gone now.

 

Even though he had stayed up really late, hoping that Louis would come to his room, he never did and Harry just ended up laying awake for most of the night, feeling awful.

 

 

***

 

 

Harry didn’t feel like going into uni the next day. That was the truth. The official story was that he accidentally clicked ‘dismiss’ instead of ‘snooze’, but that was bullshit. He was tired and angry with himself and wanted to see Louis but couldn’t quite brave it.

 

What actually woke him up a few hours later was an event reminder on facebook. He squinted at the screen, “FIREWORKS!!!!!!! AT!!!!! NIALL’S!!!!!’

 

Ah. Remember, remember the fifth of November. Harry just rolled over and ignored that too.

 

His room was dark with the curtains drawn, barely any light getting through, so Harry figured it must have been really dark and cloudy outside. Another dismal grey day to match his mood. He didn’t feel like seeing his friends that night. He just wanted to see and make up with Louis, but by the time he actually dragged himself out of his room, Louis wasn’t there.

 

And so, hours later, after a long, hot shower and a few ‘sorry, can’t make it tonight’ texts, Harry was standing in front of The Rose&Dagger unsure of what to do exactly. He had noticed that he had this forgetting to plan things to say and embarrassing himself thing going on when it came to Louis and he really didn’t want to say anything wrong tonight.

 

He was startled out of his musings by an explosion in the sky. He looked up. And so it starts, he thought. Sure, fireworks look great, but he really didn’t need the loud bangs that made everything sound like a war zone when he was gathering up courage to talk to Louis. He didn’t need explosions around him, when what he was trying to do is smooth things over and make peace. Peace. Not this loud, violent, blowing up the sky nonsense.

 

He sighed, resigned. He always loved bonfire night, but he was really not in the right mood tonight. Still, it was karaoke inside, so surely the spirits would be high?

 

The memory of Louis singing ‘Toxic’ was what finally made him push open the doors to the bar and walk inside.

 

Louis saw him and immediately and frowned.

 

‘Hi.’ Harry said unsure once he made it to the bar, ‘I just thought I’d come down and maybe— I don’t know. Apologise again. Have a little chat, maybe.’

 

‘You know, you’re sort of cornering me, because I cant’t exactly leave. It’s not really fair.’ Louis replied.

 

‘Do you really want me to go then?’ Harry said with sad eyes, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you mad. I’m not gonna snoop around again. Ever.’

 

But Louis wasn’t listening by then, he was looking somewhere over his shoulder and frowning intensely, more so than he had when he caught the sight of Harry. This, this was a different look. This was a look of impatience and disgust.

 

‘Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.’ He said, shaking his head. Harry looked around, trying to find the source of whatever made Louis react that way. He searched and searched through the many unknown faces until he stopped on one he recognised. Nick.

 

He felt physically sick at the sight of that face. Louis seemed to share that feeling.

 

‘What the fuck does he want now.’ Louis groaned a bit, walking away from behind the bar which made a few people who were waiting to be served curse at him angrily.

 

Harry saw Nick throw his arms around Louis, stumbling slightly, probably drunk or high or whatever, and getting way too close to him for Harry’s liking, whispering something in his ear. He saw Nick run his hand down Louis’ back, grabbing his ass, and Harry stared at them, sitting on the edge of the seat, ready to run up there at any moment to make the creep get his hands off of his Louis. _His_. Shit, why did he think that again.

 

Louis broke free instantly though.

 

‘Just ‘cause he’s not here, doesn’t mean I want _you_!’ Louis yelled loud enough for Harry to hear.

 

‘Jesus, you’re pathetic. How long are you gonna be hung up on that guy. Seriously, he’s not coming back.’ Nick laughed.

 

Then Louis punched him. How someone so tiny could nearly knock out a guy like Nick really amazed Harry, and he jumped off his stool, quickly heading that way, just as he heard Joan shouting somewhere behind him, ’Hey. Hey, not in here!’

 

Louis glanced at her before turning around and storming out of the bar. Just straight out of there. He didn’t even bother with a coat.

 

Harry followed as quickly as he could and caught up with Louis by the exact same spot as last time and he was having some serious deja vu.

 

When he got there, Louis started punching the wall again. Harder than last time. Swearing with each blow.

 

And the sky was exploding.

 

‘Louis, stop. Please.’ Harry pleaded, looking at Louis who was completely consumed by the quick angry blows against the red brick. ‘Louis!’

 

He looked up at the frightened, curly haired boy with red, glossy eyes, scoffing, ‘why? What does it matter to you what I do? What does it matter at all?’

 

It took a moment before Harry finally managed to move. He walked up to him, grabbing his wrists in his hands, holding him back from punching the wall.

 

‘I care about you and I know that you love music and, even if you’ve not been playing, you’re a guitar player, so don’t fuck up your hands. Seriously, think about what you’re doing. How are you gonna play if you fuck up your hands, eh? Don’t do this to yourself.’

 

‘Ha. You have no clue what’s going on.’ Louis just said bitterly.

 

‘Well, you could always tell me. I keep telling you that. You don’t need to take it out on the fucking wall. Whatever it is, don’t hurt yourself over it— you don’t want to ruin the thing that matters most to you, because of what? A moment of rage?’

 

‘I can’t help it though! I’m just really great at ruining things that matter to me.’ he shouted, before adding flatly, ‘and it’s not the only thing that matters to me anymore. But I guess I’m going to ruin that too. It’s just a matter of time. It’s who I am.’

 

‘What do you mean?’ Louis looked at him for a few seconds, saying nothing, before he grabbed his face between the palms of his hands and kissed him.

 

And the sky was exploding.

 

The kiss was hot like fire, it was rough and intense and just like the fireworks in the sky. It wasn’t pretty though. The sky may have looked pretty, but the whole thing really did feel like a war zone. Everything felt like it was falling apart, it felt violent, it felt like anger and loss.

 

This was wrong.

 

Harry wanted it so bad. He wanted to kiss Louis and never, ever stop kissing him. But this was wrong.

 

He pushed Louis away,

 

‘No. Not like this.’ He said. They both deserved better than this, they deserved something real, not something that just happened because one person was upset and needed some attention. If they were to be together, if that was ever to happen, and fuck he really wanted it to, Harry thought that it shouldn't be like this - it should be because they actually both want it. And he wasn’t sure if he was what Louis actually wanted or if he was just kissing him because he needed someone and he was just _there_.

 

‘Not like this.’ Harry repeated, but more unsure. Louis was looking at him with wide, confused eyes. He looked so hurt. So, so hurt. He looked like he had shrunk ten times and instantly Harry felt like he did the wrong thing.

 

Louis stared at him for a moment, with panicked eyes and slightly parted lips, before he looked away and spoke coldly. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have— I should’ve known— Fuck, I’m so stupid. I told you. I told you I keep fucking things up. I’m so stupid. Sorry, I’ll just go. I’ll go and leave you alone.’

 

Then he spun around and started walking away incredibly fast.

 

Harry had no clue how someone with such short legs could get up to such speeds. He had to do a little jog to catch up.

 

‘Wait.’ He said, breathlessly, desperately.

 

‘No, leave me alone.’ Louis shouted, ’I told you I ruin everything.’

 

‘No, you don’t. That’s not it.’ Harry said, trying to keep up. ‘Just wait. Please.’

 

‘Just leave me the fuck alone. Stop following me.’

 

So Harry did.

 

And he really felt like crying.

 

After a moment, he realised that he was. And the sky was exploding and his world felt like it was falling apart.

 

 

***

 

 

Harry couldn’t fall asleep. He was waiting for hours and Louis still wasn’t coming back. It wasn’t until Harry was about to pass out that he heard the sound of the door. He pulled himself up from his bed with extreme difficulty, trying to wake himself up.

 

When he finally managed to shake away that feeling of overwhelming exhaustion enough to walk to the living room, he was met with the sight of Louis frantically walking around, throwing things into his duffel bag.

 

‘What are you doing?’ Harry asked, instantly feeling that something was very wrong.

 

‘I’m getting out of here.’ He said, not looking up, ‘It will all be better if I just get out of here.’

 

‘Don’t, you’re overreacting.’ Harry said quickly, Louis' words completely shocking him out of the drowsiness that he felt just moments ago.

 

‘I’m not.’ Louis said insistently, ‘I keep ruining things. I ruined this. I’m sorry. I have to go before I make things even worse. I really do keep ruining things. I’m such a waste of a life. I swear. I don’t deserve to be here. And you don’t want me here. I should’ve known that you wouldn’t want to be with a mess like me.’

 

Harry could’t believe it. Did Louis actually want to be with him? Is that what he meant? Like, together? Like, actually want him?

 

And now he thought that Harry didn’t want that. Shit.

 

‘No, Louis, stop. That’s not what’s happening at all.’ Harry said quickly, ‘It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s not that at all. I wasn’t even sure that you were interested—‘

 

‘Of course you weren’t. I’m so shit with people.’ Louis was pacing, not letting him get a word in, ‘And I just make everything so difficult and bad and what does that even matter, really— if I’m interested. Lets face it, I don’t deserve someone like you. And you know it. You can see that. I keep fucking ruining things. Nothing but a waste of space. Nothing. I swear the world would be so much better without me.’

 

Harry was filled with sudden rage. He didn’t realise what he was doing as he latched onto Louis by his shirt and pushed him back into a wall, pinning him there with arms pressing so tightly against his chest that Louis could hardly breathe.

 

‘Don’t say shit like that!’ He yelled as Louis stared at him in complete shock. His eyes wide and maybe even a tiny bit scared.

 

Shit. Shit. Shit. This was not the way to react, Harry thought nervously. Yet there he was.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ He let Louis go, his hands now barely touching Louis' arms. ‘I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that. But I am just so mad. If anyone else was saying things like that about you— I would fucking beat the shit out of them. And, yeah, I know I don’t look like I could fight anyone, but I would. I would for you.’

 

‘What?’ Louis snickered, his voice sounded a bit too breathless to keep up with the sarky tone that he probably aimed for, ‘Why?’

 

‘Because I fucking care about you. How many times do I have to say that?’

 

Louis stared at him in silence for what felt like eternity, before he looked away and started choking out little sobs.

 

‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, barely audible.

 

‘Don’t be. You’ve done nothing wrong.’ Harry said as he wrapped his arms around Louis.

 

‘No, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I knew you didn’t want that.’ Louis choked out. Harry frowned. He was so wrong. Louis could not have been more wrong.

 

‘It’s not that. It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you. I do, actually. A lot.’ he spoke fast, ‘Just not like that. Not when you’re that mad and upset. It’s not that I don’t want you, I’m just afraid that you only want _me_ when you’re drunk or angry. I feel like you only want me because I’m just there and not because you actually want me, you know what I mean?’

 

Louis looked up at Harry slowly, his eyes wet and surprised.

 

‘Fuck. That’s how you feel?’ he asked, frowning dubiously.

 

Harry shrugged with his own small, unsure frown.

 

‘Shit. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,’ Louis said, biting down on his thumb anxiously, before letting out a small, ironic laugh, ‘Thing is, I know exactly what that’s like. Shit. I really do fuck everything up. I really should get out of here before I make things even—’

 

‘I don’t want you to go.’ Harry interrupted.

 

‘You don’t understand. You don’t understand how fucked up I am.’ Louis said with an insistent sadness in his voice.

 

‘You keep saying that. You keep saying you ruin things, but I don’t get it. What have you done that made you see yourself like that?’ Harry asked, sad and annoyed.

 

‘I’m a fucking mess Harry. I’ve always been a fucking mess. This, this thing that I'm doing here- sitting around on your sofa, drinking. That's me holding myself together. That is nothing.’ Louis explained bitterly, ‘I’ve always disappointed people or hurt them without even trying. Just by being me. So no, I don't deserve you and I know I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone. I am just "the other Tomlinson"- always had been. Just a shadow. Just a worthless nothing.’

 

Harry was furious at the words again, but this time, he managed to control himself and speak fairly evenly, as he said, ’I don’t understand how you can see yourself like that, because I don’t.’

 

‘Fuck. I was always like this, Harry. Why don't you get it? What did they tell you? The I was a “quiet kid”? “Bit reserved”? You know what all of that is code for? I was stuck in my room every day, alone, until I wanted to die. So, so badly. And then I slashed my wrists but, surprise, surprise, even that I failed at. Couldn’t even manage to fucking off myself.’

 

‘What?’ Harry’s mouth dropped open a bit. He had no clue.

 

‘Maybe it was because I didn’t go deep enough or maybe it was because Will got there so quick. I remember him running into the bathroom, just as I was passing out. Just in time.' he breathed out a little sarcastic laugh, 'He said he could _tell_ something was wrong. Like it was a magic twin thing or whatever. He thought he was a right little hero after it. Because he _saved_ me. Too bad he couldn’t tell how bad my life was for years before that. That, somehow, slipped right past him.’

 

Will’s words started replaying in Harry’s head: _‘Thanks for looking out for him. You’re probably doing a better job at it than I ever had. You don’t let things slip by you as much, you know?’_

 

Louis paused for a moment before adding, in a flat, empty voice. ‘to be honest, I should’a taken pills. At least then people wouldn’t be able to see that I’m such a fucking failure that I couldn’t even kill myself properly.’

 

Seeing Harry still staring at him incredulously, Louis comes up to him, he takes off his jacked and pulls up his sleeves, showing him his forearms. All that Harry could see was his tattoos at first. Then Louis took Harrys hand and start tracing some invisible to Harry line from his wrist and half way up to his elbow. Then Harry noticed where the skin was glossier and bumped out a bit. He could barely see it, but he felt it now. He could feel the scars, the places through which Louis’ life almost escaped. He could feel the places where Louis was almost taken from him.

 

‘I covered it up. They creeped people out. Didn’t particularly want to see them either.’ Louis explained, as if that was what Harry was wondering about, which was ridiculous. That’s not the question that screamed out in his mind, exploding all around there like the fireworks outside.

 

‘Why? Why would you want to do that?’ He was on the verge of tears. It all felt too real and too painful. The thought of Louis not being there, never coming into his life, hurting so bad that he didn’t even want to stay alive — shit, his chest felt so tight he almost felt like he was about to throw up.

 

Louis shrugged.

 

‘I think that at the bottom of it all, you know, at the core of who I am, I am just a miserable, fucked up person. It’s just who I am.’ He said matter-of-factly. ’Even you called me miserable and messed up.’

 

Harry’s heart completely dropped.

 

‘I didn’t mean it. You’re not fucked up and if you’re miserable, you don’t deserve to be. The way you think about yourself— I didn’t even realise. Honestly, I hate the way you speak about yourself. I know it probably doesn’t matter much to you what I think, but I hate it and I think you’re wrong. I think you’re great.’

 

‘Well, you’re probably the only one.’ Louis snorted. ‘Everyone hates me, really.’

 

‘That’s _so_ not true. What about Will? What about your sisters? What about Joan? They all care about you, right? They don’t hate you.’

 

‘Yeah, but I sure have disappointed them all. I’ve abandoned them all. They would be crazy not to hate me. They _should_ hate me.’

 

‘No. No, they shouldn’t. And I will say it over and over again. You’re not a bad person. You’re not a failure. You’re not a waste of space, or whatever else you call yourself.’

 

‘You don’t know me. The people who actually know me—‘

 

‘Stop saying I don’t know you. I fucking know you. You’ve been living here for what feels like half a life time, even if it’s only been a few weeks, and I feel like I know you and I say you’re a great person and you should shut up.’

 

‘No, because if you actually had known me, you would’ve known what a disappointment I am. I always was. To everyone. I fail _everyone_. Even my parents hated me. See, I was supposed to be Louis William Tomlinson. This great person that everyone loved, but instead I was a total nobody. I was supposed to be everything my dad wanted — a footballer, a popular guy who’d love to talk about girls and sports, and he got it all in Will, not me. Will is the son he always wanted. Will is the friend people always wanted. And then there’s me with the exact opposite. Exactly what he didn’t want. What nobody wants. Yeah, I definitely got all the shitty qualities in his eyes — a depressed, gay loner. Like, could it get any worse? He hated me, he really did, and my mum, she completely ignored it. Like everyone ignored it. Like people ignored me. Always.’

 

‘Well, if that’s what it was like for you then— you really didn’t deserve that.' Harry said, he thought Louis deserved the whole world and more. 'And I don't care about what people thought about you, because I still thing you’re great.’ 

 

‘Stop saying that. I’m not a great person.’ Louis groaned, rolling his eyes.

 

‘Well, I think you are, so, no, sorry, I will never stop saying that,’ Harry said and he almost had a little smirk on his face because at least _that_ he was in control over. Every day, he will tell Louis how great he thinks he is. Every day, until he believes him.

 

It was quiet for a while.

 

‘You really don’t deserve the way that you think about yourself. I hate anyone who had ever made you feel like that. I really _would_ fight them, I swear to god. I mean, I might have to hit the gym first, but I’ll get those fists out if I have to so they better watch themselves.’ Harry said with conviction.

 

‘You’re such a weird kid sometimes.’ a small laugh escaped Louis’ lips as he shook his head.

 

‘I guess I might be.’ Harry shrugged, then, after a pause, continued, ‘you haven’t told me everything though, have you?’ he asked softly. Louis' silence and the way that he avoided Harry's eyes right then, made him feel like he was right. ‘That’s okay. You don’t have to right now. This is enough.’

 

Louis laughs dryly, ‘so, you still actually want me to stay? You sure you want to get involved in all of this shit? Really?’

 

‘Yes, of course. Always.’ Harry replied instantly, without a second of doubt. ‘if you stay. if you let me.’

 

‘You’re crazy.’ Louis said with a little disbelief and a shake of the head.

 

‘Not as crazy as you, apparently.’ Harry said.

 

Louis laughed, ’Oh my god. That is an awful thing to say.’

 

‘I know. But I knew _you’d_ find it funny.’ Harry grinned slightly, ’you have a dark sense of humour like that. Awful, really. I wouldn’t say it to anyone else.’

 

‘Oh, i feel so special.’ Louis said, rolling his eyes.

 

‘You are.’ Harry smiled, ’Now come on,’ he said, putting his hand out in front of him to take, ‘we’re gonna go get some rest.’

 

‘You really want me to stay?’ Louis asked again, this time really softly, hesitantly.

 

‘Yeah.’ Harry said with conviction, ‘In fact, I plan to wrap myself around you like a koala to make sure you don’t try to sneak off. Not on my watch.’

 

Louis laughed lightly at how serious his face was, took Harry’s hand and followed him into his room.

 

And Harry meant it. He was definitely not gonna let Louis go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, not sure how well this came out. 
> 
> Anyway, it's a bit late. I wanted to put it up before bonfire night, but didn’t manage. (people in my neighbourhood are still constantly setting off fireworks though, so it’s doesn’t actually seem over quite over yet haha) Also, this was so hard to write, partly because I am well behind with uni work and, more significantly, because I have like FIVE MORE OTHER FICS that I want to write and can’t stop thinking about/planning. Too many fics, too little time.
> 
> There should be about 3 chapters more after this one and I will probably post weekly now.
> 
> Do get in touch! :) (I’m annanotesxo on everything) <3


	11. DAWN

When Harry woke up, he felt really cold. His arms that were wrapped so tightly around Louis all night were empty now. He felt around the bed with his eyes still closed, but nothing was there. Harry panicked, his eyes snapping open.

 

Louis wasn’t there. 

 

No. No. No. He couldn’t have— Harry didn’t want to finish the thought as he sat up and looked around the empty room, his heartbeat quickening. Please, no.

 

There was _no way_ that Harry wouldn’t have heard him packing up and leaving. No way. He couldn’t have left without Harry noticing, right? He couldn’t. Then where was he?

 

He saw that the door was open slightly, just a tiny gap, and Harry thought that there might have been some noise coming from there, but he could barely hear anything over the harsh beating of his heart. Louis left the door open. He definitely would’ve heard him leaving the flat if he left the door open.

 

He _must_ still be here, Harry thought to himself, over and over, trying to steady himself and think rationally.

 

And then his breathing slowed and his ears stopped ringing a bit and he heard it — there were definitely tiny, and quiet because of the distance, sounds coming from the kitchen. Someone was definitely in the flat. He breathed in deeply, trying to relax. Maybe he was being stupid. Maybe he overreacted, but he was just so scared of losing Louis, that this instant reaction was not unsurprising or unjustified. 

 

He probably just left the room so that Will wouldn’t see them, he guessed, except Harry didn’t think Will even came home the night before. 

 

He frowned, dropping himself back onto the bed with a groan. This was all too much for his sleepy brain. As he lay there, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, he finally heard some shuffling and tiny, little footsteps and his body relaxed completely before the door even opened fully.

 

‘Louis,’ Harry said in a raspy, breathless whisper, sitting up instantly. 

 

Yes. He was there. He hadn’t left. Of course he hadn’t, Harry thought, relief washing over him.

 

‘Hey,’ Louis said with a soft smile. All of him looked so unusually soft. His hair was all messed up and his eyes puffy and he was standing there in his usual joggers and a t-shirt that looked way too big on his little frame. Both of his hands were hidden behind his back. He frowned slightly, ’Are you okay?’

 

Harry realised that he probably looked pretty frantic. He sighed, smiling warmly.

 

‘I am now.’ He breathed the words out, along with most of the tension that had built up inside him.

 

Louis seemed to accept this answer, because he went back to smiling widely, looking really proud.

 

‘I made you breakfast.’ He said, beaming.

 

‘ _You_ made me breakfast?’ Harry chuckled, frowning sceptically.

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis said proudly, then he moved his hand slowly around from behind his back, revealing a bowl of cereal. ‘It’s a special Tommo recipe.’

 

Harry burst out laughing. 

 

‘You made me cereal?’ he asked staring in absolute awe.

 

‘It’s all I can make, okay?’ Louis said.

 

‘Well, then I must try this special Tommo recipe. What is it exactly?’ He asked, sitting up properly and making himself more comfortable.

 

‘Half frosties, half coco pops.’ Louis said, walking up and holding the bowl out in front of Harry.

 

‘Oh, okay.’ Harry chuckled, ‘not gonna lie, part of me expected it to be laced with beer or vodka or something.’

 

‘Ha. ha.’ Louis rolled his eyes, ‘shut up and eat your breakfast.’

 

‘Okay, okay,’ Harry chuckled, taking the bowl and bringing a spoonful of cereal to his mouth. He gave Louis a big thumbs up while chewing, ‘great stuff. Revolutionary.’

 

Louis shook his head at Harry’s goofy facial expression, ‘don’t mock me. I’m being nice here.’

 

‘You _are_.’ Harry nodded with a little smirk, ‘this is really nice. What have I done to deserve such pampering?’

 

‘Well, um, I just wanted to do something to show you that I don’t only want you when I’m drunk. I really don’t want you to think that.’ Louis said, in a quiet, slightly unsure voice.

 

‘Oh.’ Harry stopped eating, listening more intently.

 

‘It’s just that— I do care. I just don’t know how to show it. I don’t know how to act with people. Emotionally and socially stunted, remember?’

 

‘Don’t talk about yourself like that.’ Harry frowned.

 

’It’s true though.’ Louis sighed, sitting down on the side of the bed, fumbling with his thumbs, ‘you know how to show people you care, how to treat them right. I don’t.’

 

‘Well, I'm not so sure how true that is. I mean, I try to be like that, but, to be honest, I didn’t actually know how to act around you either. At all.’ 

 

‘Yeah, but you _tried_ with me, that’s all that I needed and you did and—‘ he stopped himself, paused for a moment, then hopped off the bed, quickly exclaiming, ‘and I made tea too! I don’t know how you like it, so I made it how I like it. Which is the right way, quite honestly. I’ll go get it—‘ he said looking as if he was about to leave, when Harry interrupted.

 

‘You like tea? I’ve never seen you drink tea once.’ he said, putting the bowl of cereal down on his bedside cabinet as he watched Louis. He didn’t want him to get out of the room quite yet. He didn’t want him to run off and away from their conversation, from him. He wasn’t ready for him to leave yet, even if it was just to the other room.

 

Louis pondered on that for a moment.

 

’Well, I guess you’ve only seen me drink alcohol. But I _do_ drink other stuff— occasionally.’ he laughed dryly.

 

‘No way.’ Harry said with over-exaggerated disbelief.

 

‘Whatever,’ Louis rolled his eyes, then started backing away, ‘I’ll just go and get it.’

 

‘Wait.’ Harry said quickly, catching Louis’ thin wrist in his hand and pulling him down, almost making him tumble over and fall right on top of him. Their faces were just a couple inches away.

 

‘Wha—‘ but Louis didn’t even get to finish the question, because Harry’s lips were already on his. 

 

Unlike their last kiss, this one wasn't violent or rushed, it was soft and relaxed, and all without losing that longing and need for more of the one before. Then, just as Harry was about to pull Louis down closer, on top of himself, Louis pulled back with a little smirk.

 

‘Your cereal is gonna get soggy.’ he said, ‘and I put a lot of effort into that fine meal, you know.’

 

Harry rolled his eyes, unable to keep a smile off his face, because, even though it ended _way_ too soon for his liking, kissing Louis was so exhilarating and exciting. He was about to leave the room, when Harry caught Louis' wrist again.

 

‘Wait.’ He said quickly.

 

‘What now?’ Louis sighed dramatically.

 

‘You’re great.’ Harry said with a grin.

 

‘Oh, shut up.’ Louis said, rolling his eyes, and shaking Harry’s hand off. ‘Just eat your cereal and I’ll be back in a sec.’ he said, turning around and walking out of the room, quickly.

 

‘You really are!’ Harry shouted after him.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The two ended up moving to the living room and curling up on the sofa, Harry’s arm around Louis and Louis leaning into Harry’s chest slightly, as they watched tv. They didn’t part until Louis had to leave for work and, even then, Harry stayed sat on the sofa, not moving, partly because he didn’t feel like doing uni work and partly because he felt like if he stayed there, then the moment would keep going, then it would be like Louis was still there somehow. Maybe an hour later, the door to the flat slammed shut, completely pulling him out of that spell.

 

After a moment, Will appeared before Harry, looking very, very rough and definitely hungover. His friend looked at him, and just let out a short, low groan instead of a hello, dropping himself down on the armchair and rubbing at his eyes with the thumb and index finger of his right hand.

 

‘So, you didn’t come home last night?’ Harry asked, guessing that Will definitely had something he wanted to say, because, otherwise, if he was in that state, he would have just gone to the shower or bed and probably fallen asleep there — whichever he ended up being in. ‘Did you make up with El?’

 

‘No. She’s still mad.’ He sighed, speaking so slowly that it seemed like his words had to fight their way out rather than be spoken, ’There were twelve people there and somehow she managed to dodge me all night. So I upped my drinking, deciding to pretend that I didn’t notice her and Sophia whispering to each other and glaring at me and, naturally, ended up passed out on Niall’s floor at some point. Same old.’ 

 

‘Oh. That sucks,’ Harry said, frowning, ‘Though—‘

 

‘If you say that I brought it on myself or anything like that, I swear—‘ Will cut in harshly, but then seemed a bit lost, as if not knowing where to go with that threat. He groaned, ‘fuck, yeah, I’ve been an idiot, but what do I have to _do_? Like, what does she even want from me at this point? Does she want like a fucking signed document saying that me and Louis are getting along or what? What am I supposed to be doing exactly?’

 

‘Well, apologise, I guess.’ Harry offered up with a hesitant shrug.

 

‘I’ve already apologised.’ Will said coldly.

 

‘Then apologise some more. Buy her flowers. She loves flowers. But you have to be sincere, you know?’ Harry said, growing more sure of his words as he went on, ‘Don’t just go there saying sorry just because you want her to get over it. And don’t just make a massive list of excuses for why you did it. Just apologise and actually _mean_ it. Like, you’ve lied to her a lot, hiding Louis, so I guess she just needs some honesty from you right now.’

 

‘That— that is brilliant.’ Will said, opening his eyes up as if he had an epiphany of some sort, smiling, ‘Thanks mate, you’re a genius. Honesty with a side of gifts, coming right up. Right?’

 

‘You just have to _mean_ it though, okay?’ Harry said, insistently, ‘won’t work if you don’t mean it.’

 

‘Okay, okay, I get it.’ Will rolled his eyes. Then he bit down on his lip, looking down, ‘I really need her to forgive me already because I think I actually really miss her. Like, you know how it is, now that there’s a chance that she might be gone— I don’t know. I guess, I just don’t want her to be. I guess, I’m realising that I care about her more than I thought and I haven’t even noticed when that happened. I’m thinking that maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention, you know?’

 

Harry nodded along.

 

‘Just tell her that. Tell her how you feel about her and stop lying. It really is that simple.’

 

Will let out a long sigh, ‘Yeah, I guess. I’m gonna go try to wash the stench of beer and, even worse, Niall’s flat off of me, then I’ll go and see her.’ 

 

‘Yeah, you do that.’ Harry smiled encouragingly.

 

Will was about to leave before he turned back, ‘So, is Louis at work or-? How is he?’

 

Harry really hoped that he hadn’t gone extremely pink just then, as he let out a flustered, ‘um, yeah. He’s fine. Good.’ Because he was caught off guard. Not even so much by the question, but by the memory of kissing Louis, so fresh and intense, and the thought of just how bad it would be if Will was to find out about it.

 

‘Good.’ Will said, with a tired sigh, ‘at least that’s going well, I guess.’

 

Harry just nodded with a tight-lipped smile, trying to hold in the grin trying to escape his lips. Yeah, it was good. Real good, Harry thought, but the less Will knew about what he was thinking right then, the better. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

Harry wasn’t feeling anxious in any way that night, didn’t stress or feel need to stay up and wait for Louis, because he knew that he would come back and, not only that, he would come back to _his_ bed, lay next to him, hold him. So he was relaxed. He went about his night with so much ease, not rushing or worrying.

 

And he barely had the chance to doze off, when Louis came home and crawled into bed, joining him under the covers, wrapping his arms around him. 

 

He started laying little kisses one by one on Harry’s neck, making him giggle uncontrollably.

 

‘Stop it.’

 

‘No.’ 

 

Harry turned around to look at him with scorn, to argue, but, instead, he was completely thrown off track when his eyes met Louis’ in the darkness. They were so close and so big and deep and looking at him longingly. All Harry had to do was to lean in, just slightly.

 

And then they were kissing.

 

And Harry’s mouth still tasted of the minty toothpaste that he used when washing his teeth not long before, and his skin still smelled of citrus from when he showered and his hair was that tiny bit damp still. And Louis? All of Louis seemed completely saturated with the strong, cutting smell of cigarette smoke that could probably never be washed out of his clothes or skin, mixed with alcohol and sweat from the hours of work that he had just finished.

 

And so they seemed to mix together, the clean and fresh with the dirty and worn, soft with rough, light with dark. And it all seemed so very complimentary in that moment somehow. It felt right.

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

What snapped Harry out of sleep was Niall’s booming, loud voice and laughter — just like the week before, and it startled him just the same. Except, unlike last Sunday, this time when he turned to his side with panic in his eyes, Louis wasn’t there. Of course he wasn’t, he seemed to always know exactly when to leave so that Will wouldn’t notice. He was good at sneaking out, it seemed, too.

 

Harry wasn’t at all that excited about the prospect of having to interact with people — people that weren’t Louis, that is. For a moment, before finally getting out of bed and emerging from his room, he wished that it was just him and Louis again, like it was in that first couple of weeks. Yeah, it might have been a bit lonely at times, without his best friend, and the flat felt like it was missing something, and Louis could be very difficult at times too, but there was something special about that time. Like it was just them, and nothing else really mattered all that much. Like they had their own little world.

 

Except they didn’t actually have their own world, not really, and Harry was aware of that. There was the real world outside and it kept turning and things kept happening and Harry realised some time ago, that he really should get back to _that_ world and involve himself more in it. See his friends again. Go out. Stop ignoring everything that was happening outside of the walls of his flat and get back to _his_ life, into life beyond the stranger in his living room. Except Louis was no longer that stranger in his living room. He was _Louis_. And Harry didn’t feel like leaving.

 

When he finally got to the living room, he learned that there was, apparently, a match on tv that Will and Niall put on and seemed to be getting very into, expressing that fact through a mixture of careful commentary of each player, interrupted by loud, passionate yells when some play was getting particularly intense. 

 

Louis was there, sipping his beer, but seemed a tiny bit out of it. His eyes darted up from the screen and fell on Harry as soon as he came into the room. He smiled, small but warm.

 

‘Oh, hey! Look who decided to join us!’ Niall yelled as soon as he noticed Harry too. He hopped off the sofa and embraced Harry, giving him massive, hard slaps on the back. ‘It’s already afternoon, sleeping beauty. Sit down and watch the game with us.’

 

Before Harry could respond in any way, Niall was already opening up a bottle of beer for him. It all seemed to happen very quickly.

 

‘I haven’t even had breakfast yet.’ Harry mumbled, taking the bottle from the hand that Niall extended towards him. ‘So I should probably go get some.’

 

‘Nah, no need.’ Niall said cheerfully, ‘there’s a pizza on the way, so just sit down and watch the match with us. No excuses.’

 

‘Um, okay.’ Harry finally mumbled, walking over to sit on the armchair. He glanced over at Louis, who seemed really amused with the slightly sleepy confusion in Harry’s every word and movement. And he really was quite an amusing sight, with his curly hair, all wild, and his eyes puffy and wide, lips falling slightly open in a little pout. Harry frowned and shot him an annoyed glance, but Louis just chuckled at his expression even more. His little smirk really irritated Harry and he just really wanted to go up there and tell him to stop laughing at him, but, more importantly, he just really wanted to go up there and kiss him again, but he couldn’t do either, so he decided to take a sip of his beer and stare at the screen, trying to focus.

 

Time seemed to drag on incredibly. The game and Will and Niall’s talking and the drinks and food, all seemed to blur into a boring, undecipherable mess, and all that seemed to stay in focus was Louis. No matter how much he tried to concentrate on the game, his eyes always turned back to Louis and their eyes would meet and they would look at each other, they would see the absolute boredom that they were both currently suffering from in each other's expressions, showing exactly how completely disinterested they both were with what was currently happening around them.

 

‘I’m gonna go get more beer from the shop.’ Harry said, suddenly getting up, when he couldn't take it anymore.

 

‘I’ll come too.’ Louis said, shooting up from the sofa instantly.

 

Niall’s eyes quickly switched from the tv screen and towards them, bright and amused, as he raised one eyebrow inquisitively — or maybe more _knowingly_. Harry really tried to avoid looking back at him, because he was bound to be met with a big, eager grin and he didn’t want to think about how personally involved Niall apparently felt he was in his love life. 

 

Will was too engrossed in the match to care about any of it.

 

‘Okay,’ Harry smiled at Louis, his voice slightly strained because of the feeling of Niall’s excited stare burning into his face, ‘I’ll just get changed quickly.’

 

‘Yeah, sure. I’ll go down for a smoke and you can catch up.’ Louis said, already starting to look around for his jacket and pack of cigarettes.

 

‘Okay.’ Harry said, leaving the room before anyone else could say a word, and by that he meant before Niall could open his stupid, loud mouth.

 

Just before heading out, he popped his head into the living room, asking, ‘You guys need anything?’ 

 

‘Nah.’ Will said, without even glancing his way.

 

‘Nope, I’m fine.’ Niall grinned, making Harry roll his eyes.

 

‘See you later then,’ Harry said, turning around to leave. 

 

‘Have fun!’ Niall shouted at his back with a laugh.

 

Harry was _so_ done with him.

 

He jogged down the several flights of stairs quickly, before opening the heavy front doors to the building and taking a couple steps out. The cold autumn air barely had the time to hit his face, before he was pulled aside and pinned up against the wall by Louis. He pressed his entire body against Harry’s, standing up on his tiptoes slightly, so that their faces were level.

 

‘Hi.’ He said in a raspy whisper, smiling mischievously, before leaning in and pressing their lips together. His lips were hot on Harry's, almost like fire, compared to the icy hands that were cupping his face.

 

Louis broke apart after just a few seconds,

 

‘Been waiting for that for a while,’ he breathed out with a chuckle, ‘god, that match is so fucking boring.’

 

‘Yeah.’ Harry sighed in response, trying to move closer and back into the kiss, ‘you don’t _have_ to watch it, if you don’t want to.’

 

Louis laughed dryly, pulling back more, to Harry's dismay, ‘Well, I sort of do though, you know, since I basically _live_ in that room? I'm pretty much stuck there with them.’

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said dumbly. Then he smiled, ’well, we don’t have to hurry back or anything. We can take as much time as we want, really.’

 

‘Okay.’ Louis nodded in agreement, ‘sounds good to me.’

 

‘Is there anywhere you wanna go?’ Harry asked.

 

‘I don’t really care.’ Louis shrugged, ‘As long as we keep moving, because it’s fucking freezing out here.’

 

Harry laughed, ‘yeah, it really is. Lets walk.’

 

They probably walked around for about two hours, before finally, reluctantly, heading back, more because of the fact that they were getting too tired to go on, rather than because they knew they should have been back hours before. 

 

They didn’t go anywhere in particular. They went into a starbucks to get something hot to drink and warm themselves up, but Louis refused to stay there, ‘locked up with all these people’. They grabbed a hot chocolate and tea to go and ended up in a small park, which would have been much nicer if it wasn’t for the fact that all of the benches were much too damp to sit on. But neither of them cared, because as soon as Louis’ hand slid into Harry’s, it didn’t really matter much. 

 

When they finally managed to get back to the building, after having one last make out session outside,  they made it halfway up the stairs to the flat before Harry stopped abruptly.

 

‘Shit.’

 

‘What’s up?’ Louis frowned in question.

 

‘We forgot the fucking beers.’ Harry sighed exasperatedly.

 

‘Ughh,’ Louis groaned. ‘Does that mean that we have to go back out there and get them?’ 

 

‘Yes! Obviously. We can’t come back without the one thing that we left to get. _Obviously_.’ Harry said, he had that little panicked voice on, that always seemed to appear when he thought that someone, meaning Will, could find out about what they were doing.

 

‘Okay, okay,’ Louis chuckled, ‘Let’s go. Just quickly.’

 

When they finally got back, Will and Niall were still in the living room, but playing fifa instead of watching the match, which obviously finished hours ago.

 

‘Took you a while.’ Niall laughed, smirking.

 

‘Yeah, where the hell did you guys go?’ Will asked, not actually seeming to care much at all, keeping his eyes locked on the screen in front of him. He was clearly beating Niall by a mile and that wasn’t an easy thing to do, so he wasn’t going to be easily distracted.

 

‘Nowhere.’ Harry said, realising that that was probably the dumbest, most defensive sounding answer he could’ve given and both Louis and Niall laughed at his panicked expression.

 

‘Right. Give us one then.’ Will just said, making Harry sigh with relief, as he lay the case down on the coffee table and began pulling one of the beers out of there.

 

It took several more hours of fifa and chatting shit, before Niall left and Will went to his room, making Louis finally free to join Harry in bed. And they were so extremely tired by then, that it didn’t take them long to fall asleep. Just before he drifted off though, Harry nudged Louis, trying to get his attention.

 

‘Louis,’ he whispered. Getting no answer, he nudged him harder, ‘Louis.’

 

‘What?’ Louis whispered back, low and harsh.

 

‘You’re great,’ Harry said softly, smiling.

 

‘Oh fuck off, don’t wake me up for bullshit like that.’ Louis groaned.

 

‘Okay, sorry.’ Harry chuckled at the annoyance in his tone. ‘Just had to say it before you fell asleep.'

 

‘I _was_ asleep.’ Louis replied bitterly.

 

‘Okay, sorry that I woke you up’ Harry whispered again, ‘Goodnight.’

 

‘I hate you.’

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The prospect of the next day made Harry really happy, because he knew that both him and Louis had a day off. A free day. He didn’t have anything planned, but having a whole day with Louis, whatever they were doing, sounded really fucking great right then.  Unfortunately, what he seemed to forget about completely, quite bizarrely really, was Will, and Will got a bit in the way of his plans.

 

‘Hey,’ Harry said raspily when he was woken up by Louis stirring beside him in bed. It was still completely dark. He was sitting up on the edge now and pulling on a shirt. ‘are you leaving?’

 

‘Yeah, gotta go before Will wakes up, right?’ He sighed, getting up to grab his other clothes. 

 

‘Wait.’ Harry said, grabbing Louis wrist and gently pulling him back. ‘Kiss goodbye?’

 

Louis let out a little, cute chuckle, before leaning down more, giving Harry a little peck on the cheek.

 

‘Oi,’ Harry pouted, ‘I want a proper kiss.’

 

‘Later.’ Louis said with a smile, shaking Harry’s hand off of his wrist. He laughed at Harry’s frown. ‘I’ve gotta go.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah.’ Harry sighed, ‘I know.’

 

‘See ya.’ Louis said as he grabbed his jeans off the floor and walked to the door. He did a little wave, before heading out and shutting the it behind him as quietly as possible.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Harry only waited around ten seconds after he heard the door slam behind Will, before he jumped out of his bed and rushed to the living room to get to Louis. Well, he actually tried _not to_ rush. He tried to keep it cool, but there definitely was an urgency in his step and, yeah, it might have been just a tiny bit embarrassing.

 

Louis was there, as he always was, beer in hand, tv on. Harry quickly walked over without a single word, simply sitting down right beside him, their bodies close and touching. He put his arm around Louis and Louis leaned into him in response automatically, as if that was always the way that he was meant to be sat.

 

‘Any plans for today?’ Louis asked, after a while.

 

‘Nope.’ Harry said, ‘Unless you’ve got some? Do you want to go somewhere?’

 

‘I’m fine where I am.’ He replied, snuggling into Harry’s side more, ‘I don’t really feel like seeing people today.’

 

Harry nodded slightly, staying quiet for a while. Then he thought of something and started chuckling.

 

‘What?’ Louis asked, frowning a little, probably because he didn’t appreciate that his human pillow started shaking under his head. ‘What is it?’

 

‘Well,’ Harry couldn’t help grinning, trying not to break into tiny giggles as he spoke. ‘I was just thinking—‘

 

‘Why do I have a feeling that I will hate whatever comes out from your mouth right now?’ Louis said in response to the joy that seemed to have appeared in Harry’s eyes.

 

‘Well, I was just thinking about how you act like such an antisocial grump, but I think you’re actually very cuddlouis.’

 

‘Very what?’

 

‘Cudd _louis_. You know. Cuddly, cudd _louis._ ’ Harry explained, struggling to keep a straight face.

 

Louis stared at him for a few seconds, looking absolutely appalled.

 

‘That is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.’ He said, shaking his head, and sitting up, away from Harry, ’I am genuinely so mad right now. I might need to take a walk to cool off, because that is— I don’t even have any words.’

 

‘Oh, come on. It’s funny.’ Harry said, not at all discouraged.

 

‘It’s _so_ bad. Awful, really.’ Louis said with more horrified disbelief. ‘You think you’re so funny as well.’

 

‘Shh.’ Harry said, ‘I am. You think I am too. Admit it. It’s funny.’

 

‘It isn’t. It’s poor. Absolutely awful humour. You’re just really weird.’ 

 

‘I think other people would find it very funny.’ Harry grinned.

 

‘If you call me cudd _louis_ around anyone, I swear, I would—‘ Louis started saying in a low, cutting tone.

 

‘Okay, okay, calm down. I won’t say it again.’ Harry laughed, ‘Just come back here,’ he said, tugging on the sleeve of Louis’ shirt lightly, to usher him towards himself.

 

‘Yeah, fine.’ Louis sighed, curling back into Harry’s side. After a while, he could feel Harry’s chest vibrating again, with little, stifled giggles, ‘You’re still thinking it, aren’t you?’

 

‘Yeah.’

 

And then the sound of the door to the flat being opened made them jump back, away from each other instantly, as if electrocuted. 

 

‘Guess who’s back, back again—‘ they heard the familiar Irish voice before they saw its owner.

 

‘Hey, Niall.’ Harry sighed loudly.

 

‘Don’t sound _too_ happy to see me.’ Niall laughed, unbothered. ‘Hey, Louis.’

 

‘Hey,’ Louis nodded in his direction.

 

‘Are you gonna be here _every_ day now?’ Harry asked.

 

‘Why? Am I getting in the way of something?’ Niall smirked. 

 

‘No.’ Harry replied, in a tone that was the complete opposite of convincing.

 

Then Will appeared in the doorway.

 

‘Hey, what you guys watching?’ He asked, looking at the screen.

 

‘I don’t really know,’ Harry shrugged, ‘Whatever’s on.’

 

‘God, that’s depressing. It’s daytime television.’ Will frowned in distaste, ‘What about later? I feel like going out.’

 

‘Like where?’ Harry asked hesitantly. He really did not feel like going to a club.

 

‘I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking. Open to suggestions. I just can’t sit at home every night. I don’t know how you do it, to be honest.’

 

‘Um, I don’t sit at home every night.’ Harry replied defensively.

 

‘You do a bit, though.’ Will said and the others nodded reluctantly. 

 

Harry shot each one of them an offended, betrayed look.

 

‘I’ll be fine with going somewhere tonight,' he ended up saying, as if to prove them wrong.

 

'Yeah?' Will raised his eyebrows. 'Any suggestions then?'

 

‘We could go to the quiz?’ Harry turned to Louis with enquiring eyes, as if asking for permission. Louis nodded.

 

‘To what ?’ Will asked.

 

‘A pub quiz.’ Harry said, perking up, ‘where Louis works.’

 

‘WE COULD ALL GO OUT FOR THE PUB QUIZ!’ Niall shouted as if it was the most brilliant concept, ‘I love it. Sounds good. Lets go.’

 

‘It’s not for a few of hours though.’ Harry said quickly.

 

‘Oh,’ Niall deflated. ‘But I could really use a pint.’

 

‘Well, you’ll get one, you just have to wait for a few hours. Play fifa or something in the mean time and then we’ll go.’ Harry said plainly, though he felt a bit bad, looking at the sudden drop in Niall's spirits.

 

‘Yeah, alright.’ Niall sighed, dropping himself on the sofa next to Harry, forcing him out of his way and closer to Louis. It would’ve, of course, made much more sense to just sit in between the two, seeing as there was a massive gap made there when they jumped away from each other at the sound of the opening door, but, clearly, Niall was not going do that and get in between them. Quite the opposite, really. He was now fidgeting and shuffling where he sat, pushing against Harry, forcing him to move further down the sofa and closer to Louis. When Harry complied and moved over, Niall finally smiled and added, ‘We’re gonna destroy that fucking quiz mate. Gonna crush it.’

 

‘Sure.’ Harry just laughed at Niall’s eagerness and turned towards Louis with an amused expression, because both of them new that the quiz was neither exciting enough to cause such a reaction or in any way winnable for them.

 

 

***

 

 

‘So this is where you work.’ Will said, as they approached the building.

 

Louis nodded.

 

‘The Rose&Dagger’ Niall read the sign, ‘Don’t they do gigs here?’

 

‘Yeah.’ Louis said, ‘Just on weekends nowadays, but they used to have live music every night a couple of years back.’

 

Niall nodded.

 

‘D’you know, I feel like I might’ve been here for a gig once, but I’m not a hundred percent sure.’ he replied, lost in thought, ‘I was very drunk.’ 

 

‘You know what? I believe you.’ Louis laughed, then added, ‘Lets go in.’ holding the door open for them as they passed him one by one.

 

As soon as they came into her view, Joan gasped, beautifully lipsticked mouth falling open. Well, more accurately, as soon as she saw Will and Louis together. At the same time. Harry knew that, unlike any of Will’s friends had, Joan actually knew that Louis had a twin. Still, knowing about something and actually seeing it are two different things. 

 

‘Oh my god!’ She exclaimed, wide eyed, as the four of them got to the bar. ‘You must be Will!’ she said, turning towards him immediately with a massive smile.

 

Will looked surprised, not expecting to be greeted so warmly by a woman he had never met before.

 

‘Um, yeah.’ He said hesitantly.

 

‘I’m Joan,’ she replied, extending her hand over the counter. ‘I’ve heard lots about you.’

 

‘Yeah?’ Will smiled a bit awkwardly, shaking her hand.

 

‘Yeah. _This_ one,’ She said, pointing towards Louis, ‘is a right bigmouth, always chatting away. Well, maybe not nowadays, but when I knew him a couple years back—‘

 

‘Oh.’ Will just said, looking a bit lost.

 

Louis just rolled his eyes. Joan ignored him.

 

‘Hi Harry, nice to see you again, love.’ She chirped, then turned towards Niall, asking warmly, ’And who are you?’

 

‘Niall. Niall Horan.’ he introduced himself, extending a hand to shake over the counter, looking comically formal. 

 

‘Niall.’ Joan repeated, pausing for a moment, narrowing her eyes, ‘you seem familiar.’

 

‘He says he might’ve been here before, but was too drunk to know for sure.’ Louis informed her with a dry laugh.

 

‘I see.’ she replied. ‘Well you don’t seem like too much trouble, so I guess it's probably not because I've ever kicked you out of the place.’

 

‘From what little I know of him, if you did remember him, it would probably be for something stupid like Irish dancing on a table, waving his shirt around his head.’ Louis laughed.

 

‘Hey, that’s—‘ Niall started defensively, then laughed, ‘probably very accurate, yes.’

 

‘Well, I don’t remember anything like _that_.’ She laughed, ‘So, Niall, nice to meet you. Or see you again. Whichever it is.’

 

‘Yes, likewise.’ Niall said quickly.

 

‘Wonderful.’ Joan replied, ‘You guys here for the quiz?’ 

 

‘Yeah!’ Niall said excitedly, grinning. 

 

‘Great. One pound per team member, starts in fifteen minutes.’ She informed them. Then asked, ’Drinks?’

 

‘How about first round on me?’ Louis said, slowly pulling his wallet out. ‘Beers fine with everyone?’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Will and Niall nodded.

 

‘Do you think we should stick with ‘we are the bestest'?’ Harry asked Louis, smiling widely, dimples and everything, instead of answering his question.

 

‘Um,’ He looked at Harry, getting distracted for a moment, before turning away quickly, saying, ‘How about you guys find a place to sit and decide, while I wait for the drinks?’

 

‘Okay,’ Harry said, eyes lingering on Louis’ face for a bit too long to go unnoticed. Then he turned to Will and Niall, who were already walking away, ‘How do you feel about ‘we are the bestest?’'

 

Will looked a bit confused, ‘What?’

 

‘Last time we went, the only team name I could come up with on the spot was ‘we are the bestest’’ Harry explained.

 

‘Oh, you’ve been to one of these before? Here?’ Will frowned confusedly.

 

‘Yeah.’  

 

‘With Louis?’ he looked surprised, glancing in the direction of his brother at the bar, then back at Harry. Niall, on the other hand, looked very unsurprised — and really pleased.

 

‘Yeah, when I was first here. It was when Louis came down here to ask Joan for a job, because he knows her.’ Harry explained quickly.

 

‘First time?’ Will asked again, asked still frowning, ‘So you’ve been over here more times?’

 

‘Um, yeah.’ Harry shrugged, getting a bit nervous, worrying that he was about to give too much away.

 

‘Oh. Okay then.’ Will said, thinking it over for a while, then dropped the subject. With a shrug, he said, ‘I’m okay with ‘we are the bestest’.’

 

 

 

***

 

 

What Harry learned that night was that apparently alcohol and awful quizzes really bring people closer together - unite them in their frustration over ridiculous questions and giddiness of yet another pint. And it was definitely the most that Harry had ever seen Will and Louis interact. Quizzes at the Rose&Dagger were great, he concluded, watching the three guys next to him crowding over a piece of paper. His friends and his— Louis.

 

He snapped out of his musings when it was time for another break between rounds and Louis went off for a cigarette outside.

 

‘You two seem to be really getting along.’ Will turned to Harry as soon as his brother was out of sight, startling him a bit.

 

‘Yeah.’ Harry said, trying not to sound to dreamy and breathless, but he had just so absolutely fallen for Louis and the alcohol made it worse and he just felt miles away.

 

‘To be honest, I’m sort of jealous.’ Will said, with a sad shrug, ‘I was never this close to him.’

 

Niall almost choked on his drink, bursting out laughing.

 

‘Well, I sure hope you weren’t—‘ he said, loud and giddy, putting a hand on Will’s shoulder. ‘he’s your brother! That would be beyond fucked up, if you were.’

 

‘What are you on little leprechaun?’ Will asked with a frown, shaking his hand off.

 

‘Nothing.’ Harry quickly interrupted, shooting Niall a ‘what the hell are you doing? please control yourself and shut up’ sort of look, before turning back to Will, ‘I guess, it’s that I just have a new perspective on him, you know? Like, I had no preconceptions or history to affect how I saw him and I think he appreciates that.’

 

‘Yeah, maybe,’ Will nodded along to what Harry said but continued frowning confusedly at Niall. He could clearly sense that Niall was holding back and was trying really hard not to say anything more or crack anymore jokes, but he just dropped it. That was the good thing about Will, Harry thought. He didn't ask too many questions. He wasn’t too intrusive. He didn’t pry. He didn’t try to barge into people’s business uninvited, he just accepted things easily. He was very straightforward that way. 

 

It also made him completely oblivious to just about anything, which definitely made having a secret relationship right under his nose so much easier. And maybe even a bit entertaining, because he really had _no_ clue what was going on. Niall definitely found it _very_ entertaining, still choking on some stifled laughter.

 

They left the bar drunk and laughing some hours later. Well, all except for Will, who was absolutely the worst sore loser that Harry had ever met, and he would not stop going on about how unfair the questions were, until finally, having had enough, Niall yelled ‘shut yer face, ya cunt.’ It all came out extremely slurred and extremely Irish and it made all of them laugh. Amidst all the laughter, Niall added, ’No one cares about the stupid quiz.’

 

So, eventually, Will just let it go.

 

 

 

***

 

 

The next morning Harry got woken up by Louis moving around again, and buried his face into a pillow with an annoyed groan. It was early. Very, very early. His alarm clock hadn’t even gone off and he had an early lecture that day. He didn’t even want to try to guess how early it was.

 

‘Ugh, do you really _have_ to go?’ He mumbled into the material, the words barely recognisable. ‘Already?’

 

‘I think Will’s gonna wake up soon for his training. They’ve added a couple of sessions before morning lectures.’ Louis informed him matter-of-factly, ‘Niall sent me all of their training and matches timetables for some reason, I’m not sure why, but I guess it’s good to know what’s going on.’ Louis said, getting up.

 

Oh, Harry knew exactly why Niall sent him those. He wanted them to know when they would have the flat to themselves. He might as well have said, ‘Here, these are the times when no one will walk in on you guys, so have fun.’ Oh god, why did that boy feel such a need to get involved in their lives? 

 

‘Yeah, I guess,’ Harry said quietly instead, moving his head around so that he was no longer talking into the pillow, but looking at Louis, then added with a tiny hint of sadness, ‘you’re right, you should leave.’

 

‘Yeah, I’ve got to go,’ Louis sighed, then walked back over to Harry, and with a quick little kiss, said, ‘I’d always rather be next to you though.’

 

And Harry’s heart started fluttering and his breath got caught somewhere inside him, because that’s all that he wanted. Louis next to him. Always.

 

 

 

***

 

 

When Harry actually got up, after his alarm went off for the fourth time, he expected to see Louis fast asleep on the sofa on his way out. But Louis was awake, sitting there with his little notebook, writing something with just the light from the muted tv illuminating the room slightly. Harry stared for a moment at Louis’ thoughtful expression, before walking in, Louis quickly dropping what he was doing as soon as he appeared.

 

'Hey,' he said, looking up.

 

'Hi, just thought I'd come by, say goodbye.' Harry said a bit awkwardly. 

 

'Come here.' Louis said, extending his arms towards him. Harry quickly complied and as soon as he was within reach, Louis pulled him in closer, giving him a soft, warm kiss, before saying, 'now get out of here and go learn stuff.'

 

Harry laughed.

 

'I'll try.'

 

 

***

 

When Harry got back home, he heard voices coming from the living room and, sure enough, Niall is there, talking with Louis.

 

‘You’re here _again_?’ Harry asked with a quick laugh, as he walked into the room.

 

‘I just came down for a chat with Louis and now I’m heading off to training.’ Niall replied with a grin, ‘And don’t worry, I’ll go to my own flat after that. I’m not moving in.’

 

‘Yeah, I'm about to leave too,' Louis informed him, then looked at the time on his phone, 'actually, I’ve got to leave  _right now_ . Shit.’

 

‘No worries, mate. Just drop me a text later.’ Niall smiled.

 

‘Great. Will do.’ Louis said, quickly throwing on his jacket, then ran up to Harry, giving him a quick kiss, ‘I’ll see you later.’

 

Harry jumped back startled, mouth dropping open, looking from Louis to Niall and back, eyes finally settling on Louis with a questioning expression.

 

‘ _Please_ , we all know he knows.’ Louis rolled his eyes at the panic in Harry’s.

 

‘Yep.’ Niall said with a smirk.

 

‘Um, okay.’ Harry replied hesitantly.

 

‘Stop worrying so much.’ Louis shook his head, with a small laugh.

 

‘Okay.’ Harry nodded.

 

‘So I’ll see you later,’ he said to Harry, then, turned to Niall, ‘and you tomorrow?’

 

‘Sure thing.’ Niall replied, just as Louis hurried out the room.

 

‘Bye!’ Harry shouted after him, just before the door to the flat slammed shut behind him.

 

After a long, heavy pause, in which Harry could _feel_ Niall staring at him, seeming almost boastful, probably because he was so happy with himself for being right about him and Louis, Harry finally cleared his throat and asked a question.

 

‘So, what were you two talking about?’ He said, finally looking up at his friend.

 

‘Just music. Jamming a bit. I think he’s gonna come ‘round mine sometime too.’ Niall shrugged, then, sounding impressed, added, ‘He’s really good, isn’t he?’

 

‘At what?’ Harry said a bit confused.

 

‘Guitar, obviously. Writing, too. Jeez what did you think?’ Niall laughed at Harry’s lost expression.

 

‘I don’t know.’ he replied slowly, then sighed, ‘I genuinely don’t know, to be honest. I’ve never actually heard him play anything.’

 

‘Really?’ Niall said, ‘That’s strange. Maybe he’s waiting till the song is done.’

 

‘What song?’

 

‘He’s working on a song.’ Niall rolled his eyes, as if it were obvious, ‘he’s probably waiting until it’s done so he can play it to you.’

 

‘Oh.’ Harry said, perking up a bit. He was starting to worry that everyone _but_ him would get to hear Louis play, ’So, how long will that take, do you think?’

 

‘I don’t know. Might be a while. He has this great riff and chord progressions all done, but the lyrics seem to be taking a while. But it should be really good.’

 

Harry nodded, engrossed, wanting to know more, but apparently he wasn’t going to get to.

 

‘Anyway, gotta go.’ Niall said quickly, ‘I’ve got practice to get to.’

 

‘Of course, go.’ Harry said, with a little nod. 

 

Niall seemed like he was about to leave, before he turned to Harry again.

 

‘Oh and yeah, I might be around here a bit more nowadays though.’ He said with a little shrug, ‘Will’s sort of really missing El, so he’s got all this extra time that he doesn’t know what to do with and just needs a friend, you know? That’s why I’m around so much.’

 

‘And I’m not his friend?’ Harry frowned.

 

‘Well, you’re busy though, aren’t you?’

 

Harry felt really guilty all of a sudden. Was he really so busy with his own life that he didn’t even notice that his friend was having a hard time and needed more attention? Niall, clearly seeing his expression change, added,

 

‘I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry, I sort of made it sound like you were ignoring him or something. That’s not what I meant. He just has too much free time on his hands now and nowhere to go. Don’t worry about it.’ He said, then laughed, ‘You spend time with your boy, I’ll deal with Will.’

 

‘Yeah?’ Harry said, unsure.

 

‘Sure, he’ll be fine, as long as he has someone to listen to him go on and on about himself and football.’ Niall said with a shrug, ‘And, apparently, I’m the lucky guy that gets to do that.’

 

‘So they really haven’t made up yet?’ Harry asked a bit worried.

 

‘I think they’re going out on a date on Wednesday and are gonna try and smooth things over.’ Niall said, ‘Like, they’ve talked, and I think they will be fine, but they just need to build things up again slowly, I guess. I don’t know. I’m mainly there for the footie talk. It might take some time, though, that's all I really know.’

 

‘Okay.’ Harry said, ‘So I guess I’ll be seeing a lot of you until then?’

 

‘I guess so.’ Niall beamed. ‘Spending all this time with good old Nialler, you buzzing or what?’

 

‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.’ Harry rolled his eyes, ’Leave before you’re late for practice.’

 

 

 

***

 

 

The dynamic around the flat had completely changed after that. Partly because of the fact that Louis and Harry had this massive, secret _thing_ going on right under Will’s nose and partly because, with Niall there almost every day, it was always very loud and busy. A lot of takeout. A lot of footie talk. A lot of making fun of Will for being so fucking clueless — that last one was mainly Niall. Because, yes, Will sure was oblivious and, even though that fact was a great relief to Harry, one that he was really thankful for, Niall just found it extremely hilarious and his amusement was always infectious.

 

So they had some fun with it. They were definitely enjoying the fact that they had this huge secret that Will was so completely ignorant of. For the next few days, it was all secret glances and kisses between Harry and Louis, and a lot of jokes at Will’s expense. Because even though Will was constantly around, now that things between him and Eleanor weren’t so great, and Harry and Louis should have been watching themselves, hiding what they were doing as much as possible, what they actually seemed to be doing was not trying to hide whatever the thing happening between them was from Will, but, instead, seeing how much they could flaunt it without him realising. And Niall, being forever there, just fuelled that fire. 

 

Their innuendos were getting more obvious. Their excuses more and more ridiculous. The awkward silences where Will stared questioningly at their smirking faces were getting longer and, yeah, he knew something was going on, but the truth probably would never even cross his mind.

 

And that was fun.

 

Sneaking off for make out sessions was fun. Giving each other love bites and wearing clothes that blatantly showed them off was fun. Being asked where said love bites came from and completely dodging answering the questions was fun. Goodnight kisses in complete darkness when Louis came home from work, were fun. It was fun.

 

And, somehow, even though there were four of them in the flat a lot of the time, it didn’t seem at all too crowded. Sure, Harry would have loved to have more time alone with Louis, just like he had for those first couple weeks after he had shown up, back when Louis was just _his_ , because he was the only one that even knew that he existed, back before Will came returned to the flat, but, really, Harry didn’t mind _too_ much, because, even if there were always people there in the day, keeping them apart, he always had him for the night. That was their time. Uninterrupted and personal. Just between them. For their eyes only.

 

And everything was fine for a while.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being so late!
> 
> But at least it's long! haha. It was actually supposed to be a really short chapter, but somehow I ended up writing all of this. 
> 
> Anyway! Thanks for reading. 
> 
> And if you have any comments or just wanna chat larry or fics, then please do! Both my twitter and tumblr are annanotesxo, so feel free to write to me on there! I’d love that. :)
> 
> xo


	12. THE ROGUE ARE NO MORE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back from her HIATUS HIATUS HIATUS...
> 
> SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE!! (I really mean it)
> 
> I'm sort of scared to post this, because it does get quite intense in the second half. You've been warned.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you like it!
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo

 

A couple of weeks passed and everything in Harry’s life seemed to be picking up speed and getting more hectic. The end of the term was approaching, and with it came essays and deadlines and stress. He could not find a way to sufficiently express how great the comfort of having someone to hold you at night after a tiring, stressful day was. He began feeling like he _needed_ Louis there and he didn’t know if that was something he should be feeling, if maybe it was too early for that. Maybe he shouldn't be becoming so dependent on another person — especially one that wasn’t at all that dependent in his own behaviour. 

 

Louis was great, sure, but he wasn’t consistent. He had bad days. Sometimes all that he would do was stare at the tv and smoke one cigarette after another and Harry didn’t always know how to react to that. The feeling that there was always more to Louis, more that Harry didn’t know yet, but clearly affected Louis’ mood and behaviour so greatly, hung in the air somewhere and he couldn’t ignore it. But he waited. He waited until Louis would feel comfortable enough around him to explain all the things that he was clearly hiding from him. Harry wanted to know so many things; why Louis kept insisting that he always ruined things, why he came back to England all of the sudden and never spoke of his band, why he sometimes reacted so aggressively to little comments made by others — those were the questions that drifted through Harry’s mind when the two of them would sit in silence on the sofa, Louis curled up against his side as they watched a film or a tv show. 

 

But he was going to be patient, because he said he would be and the last thing he wanted to do was break a promise to Louis.

 

‘I can’t believe they’re still replaying _Friends_.’ Louis said out of nowhere. ‘Hasn’t it been finished for like ten years already?’ 

 

‘Yeah, I think it’s been over ten years.’ Harry said thoughtfully, ‘Maybe it’s just nostalgia. They stopped playing _Gilmore Girls_ though, which is just a travesty. I’m worried _Friends_ will go next. They have too much _How I Met Your Mother_ and _Big Bang Theory_ to re-run. Really is a shame.’

 

Louis laughed, ‘Ah, so you’re not a fan of the new stuff? Bit hipsterish are ya?’

 

‘No.’ Harry frowned defensively, ‘It’s just that— I don’t know. _How I Met Your Mother_ is a rip-off and _Big Bang Theory_ is just mean.’

 

‘Mean?’

 

‘Yeah, it makes fun of people just because they’re different. They ridicule them because they're “nerds” or whatever. I don’t know, I never really got into it.’ he shrugged.

 

‘Okay then.’ Louis stared at him for a while, lost in thought, before speaking again, ‘you care about people a lot, don’t you? I mean, you’re so nice to everyone and you give people a chance and you respect people and— I don’t know. Like, don’t let it go to your head too much, but I actually think that’s really impressive. Not everyone is like that. Not everyone would’ve given me a chance and let me stay in their home and— you know what? Some people don’t give a shit about what others feel at all and I’m only now realising how fucked up that is. That some people only think of themselves and just use others and—‘ he stopped himself mid sentence, hesitating, ‘um, anyway. I just wanted to say that I really admire how you’re not like one of those people.’

 

Harry was completely speechless for a while. First of all, it seemed like Louis was thinking about this a lot and he was completely caught off guard by it. Secondly, and this was a much less happy concept, he wondered if maybe there was some specific selfish person who had hurt Louis and brought this on. And that thought sucked.

 

Plus, he felt really embarrassed and started blushing at the, clearly heartfelt, compliment.

 

‘Well, I don’t know. I mean, I do try to be nice to everyone, but I would hardly call it impressive, or anything.’ he shrugged shyly.

 

‘I think it is. To be honest, I wish I was a bit more like you.’ Louis said, looking at him earnestly.

 

‘I don’t know what to say to that—‘ Harry said with an awkward chuckle, still blushing. 

 

‘Don’t say anything.’ Louis shrugged. ‘Oh, and don’t tell anyone I was just being all sappy like that.’ 

 

Harry burst out with a laugh, ‘Yeah, god forbid anyone knows that you were saying something genuinely nice and meaningful. Complimenting others is for losers, right? You’re too cool for that.’ 

 

‘Hey, don’t mock me. I was just saying such nice things about you.’ Louis said, sounding over-exaggeratedly offended. Then he went quiet for a while, ‘I don’t know, maybe it’s just because, you know, it’s talking about feelings and stuff. I was never good at that. It’s weird for me.’

 

Harry nodded slowly, considering that. ‘Well, I really appreciate that you’re trying.’ He smiled widely, ‘And you know, in some ways, I wish I was more like you too. Like, your music, for example. I can’t do anything creative like that.’ Harry said, ‘although, I still haven’t heard you play, so all of that is based off of what other people’ve been saying. So—‘

 

‘You really want to hear me play so badly?’ Louis let out a short laugh, raising an eyebrow. ‘Cause you’re doing some serious guilt-tripping right there.’

 

Harry went a bit pink at that, once again feeling slightly embarrassed by his own eagerness, ‘Um, sorry. I just hear such great things about you and I just want to find out for myself.’

 

‘Later, yeah?’ Louis said softly, ‘I just want to wait a while. Wouldn’t want to disappoint.’

 

‘Is that why we haven’t had sex yet?’ Harry said without thinking.

 

‘What?’

 

‘What?’

 

It was just a stupid joke, but suddenly everything felt a bit awkward. 

 

The thing was, even though it was just an off-hand remark, the actual question had ran through Harry’s mind before. He _had_ noticed that, whenever things got really heated, Louis would often pull away or leave. It was very confusing and Harry wondered why he did that. Did he not really find him attractive like that? What was it?

 

Luckily, the awkward moment was cut short by Niall barging through the flat doors, announcing his presence. Thank god. Harry did not want to admit just how desperate he was to get some. 

 

 

 

***

 

 

Ever since Louis practically moved into his room and Niall and Will were always around, Harry had experienced a fair share of unusual wakings up and, with the flat being so busy and all, the alarm clock on his phone became nearly redundant. On most of the days, he was either woken up by Niall loudly announcing his presence as he entered the flat in the mornings, or Louis sneaking back into bed once Will was off to lectures and whispering filthy things in his ear. Yeah, his mornings definitely had changed a lot, as did the whole dynamic of the place. 

 

Today was apparently another one of those days, as he was woken up by harsh, loud yelling.

 

‘Harry? Harold! What the fuck is this?’ Louis was shouting as he charged into Harry’s room, not bothering to knock, which completely startled Harry awake. Seeing that Harry had, with some difficulty sat up, rubbing at his eyes and trying to blink away the confusion of sleep, he continued, ‘What is this?’

 

He was holding a large, purplish box with a picture of a bowl of cereal on it, the words “Fruit and Fibre Bran Flakes” written on it with big, bold letters.

 

‘Why, Harry, why?’ He said with wide, appalled eyes, shaking the box to emphasise his distress.

 

‘Um—‘ Harry tried to speak, but words seemed too far away, lost somewhere in a part of his brain that was still struggling to wake up.

 

Suddenly, Will appeared in the doorway, a bit breathless. Even though Louis’ exclamations obviously startled the sleepy Harry, his expression was nothing compared to the one on Will’s face, which was truly the face of someone unexpectedly and violently woken from sleep.

 

‘What the hell is going on? Why are we shouting?’ He said in a raspy, confused voice, frowning.

 

‘Oh, hey,’ Louis said, a different, lighter surprised expression on his face, ‘How come you’re here? Don’t you have an early practice or something?’

 

‘Cancelled.’ Will responded flatly, then continued with a questioning expression, ‘why are _you_ up so early?’

 

The true answer to that would’ve been that he had been dragging himself out of bed at ridiculous hours, sneaking out so that Will wouldn’t find out that he had spent every night for the past couple of weeks in Harry’s bed and didn’t want him to find out. However, Louis went with a much simpler,

 

‘Um, I’m always up this early nowadays, to be honest.’ Then, not wanting for Will to ask any more questions about it, he quickly changed the subject. ‘ _Look_.’ He said insistently to his brother, shaking the box in his hand.

 

‘What the fuck is that?’ Will echoed his brothers earlier question, narrowing his eyes.

 

‘Jesus Christ, it’s just some healthy cereal.’ Harry groaned, unimpressed, turning to Louis, ‘I just thought that maybe I’d get you something healthier, you know, since cereal is about 90% of what you eat.’

 

‘Yeah, _good_ cereal. Stuff that tastes nice. Not _this_.’ Louis said, harshly tapping the picture on the front of the box with his finger. ‘Like, _why_ are there so many raisins in there? Seriously. I’d understand a few— maybe I could even deal with a few, but I opened this thing and there’s so much of that shit in there that it just looks like a rabbit’s cage that hasn’t been cleaned for two weeks! And yeah, I do actually know what that looks like, because our sisters had a pet rabbit and once, when our parents went to visit our grandma this one time because she was poorly, they left us two to take care of everything, the girls and the house, and we sort of fucked up and were both really shit at keeping things clean and almost forgot the little guy existed.’

 

‘Yeah, poor Fluffball.’ Will nodded. ‘Thank god that the girls remembered to feed the little guy, otherwise that would’ve ended really badly.’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis sighed, ‘Anyway, Harry, did you really think any of us would want this thing?’ He raised his eyebrows questioningly, then shook his head and turned to Will, with the outraged expression appearing once again, ‘I made him the special Tommo cereal recipe and this is how he repays me. Shocking.’

 

‘You made him the Tommo recipe?’ Will asked, looking surprised.

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis replied, a bit hesitant.

 

‘Huh,’ Will just said, thinking for a moment, then turned to Harry, ‘Well, you two must really be getting close for him to share the special Tommo recipe with you.’

 

There was a sudden tension in the room, seemingly only between Harry and Louis, as they both looked at each other with some awkwardness and worry, when the words ‘getting close’ came out of Will’s mouth. But apparently, the guy was still completely oblivious to what was going on, because he just continued talking,

 

‘Yeah, we used to always eat our cereal like that. Everyday before school. But that was so long ago.’ He laughed lightly, turning to Louis, ‘can’t believe you still do that.’

 

Louis shrugged shyly.

 

‘Guess there are just some things from home that I’ve missed, you know.’

 

‘Yeah, there are a lot of things that I’ve missed too.’ Will replied.

 

There was a pause then, as all of them remained silent for a while. It seemed like the two were having some sort of moment and, even though he didn’t particularly appreciate that said moment was based of off the shared hatred of his choice of cereal, Harry was really glad about it, because it seemed hopeful — it seemed like things were going in the right direction, like they were slowly overcoming the issues between them and getting closer to each other again. And that would be so amazing, Harry thought, because he really wanted them to be happier and he figured that resolving whatever problems they had was a major part of that. They were obviously important to each other, even if they refused to admit it sometimes. So, even though this was such a nonsensical little moment, it seemed so significant because it was progress. Slow, but evident progress.

 

And, eventually, they just decided to buy other cereal whenever they next had a chance.

 

 

***

 

 

Later that day, several hours after the cereal incident, Will knocked on Harry’s door. Having only just come back from the library after a few hours of desperately trying to do some research for his essays, Harry wasn’t particularly eager to interact with anyone. It was already dark and gloomy outside, courtesy of the short winter days, and he just really wanted to take a nap. But his friend was at the door and he wasn’t a total dickhead, so he just sighed and shouted a ‘come in.’ 

 

‘Hey,’ Will said, looking a bit unsure as he walked further into the room and leaned back on Harry’s desk.

 

‘What’s up?’ Harry asked, getting the feeling like his friend had something troubling him.

 

Will sighed, then laughed dryly. ‘Okay, so this will probably sound really stupid, and maybe even embarrassing, but I just can’t stop thinking it, so—‘

 

‘What is it?’ Harry asked, frowning lightly.

 

‘Um,’ Will looked down at his feet for a while, before shaking his head with another laugh, ‘This is so stupid.’

 

The way he was acting, so weird and awkward, started making Harry quite anxious. What if he figured it out?

 

‘No, just go on. You have to say it now.’ Harry said, with a wide smile that was supposed to be reassuring but seemed a bit crooked and strained.

 

‘Well,’ Will dragged out for a moment longer, before looking up at Harry and speaking really quickly, ‘You’re not replacing me, right? Found yourself a new Tomlinson as a best friend?’

 

Harry burst out with a loud laugh.

 

‘No. Believe me, and I cannot stress this enough, what I feel towards your brother is very different than what I feel towards you.’ then, more nervously, he added, ‘remember that, very, very different things.’

 

‘Okay, now it’s _you_ that’s being weird,’ Will laughed. ‘Well, this was awkward enough. So, we’re still besties, right? Nothing’s changed?’

 

‘No, of course not.’ Harry said, even though that didn’t feel completely true. Sure, he still liked Will just the same as always, but now, every time that he saw him, he always felt a bit anxious, always worried that he would somehow find out about him and Louis. The thing was, Harry was not _just_ afraid that Will would be mad about him having a thing for his brother, but also because they are _twins_ and he definitely did not want Will to think that he had been lusting over him for all this time.

 

But he had to shake that thought, because Will was still there, talking to him.

 

‘Good then. But really, I’m so surprised that he’d fit in so well with you guys. Hanging out with you and with Niall. To be honest, I know it sounds bad, but I couldn’t really imagine him making friends with anyone, really, that was never his strong suit,’ he laughed, ‘yet here we are. How bizarre.’ 

 

‘Hey,’ Harry frowned, getting really defensive, ‘you’re being unfair. Your crowd was just never his crowd and I think you shouldn’t judge him on how well or not he got on with _your_ friends. He’s great, you know, you should give him more credit.’ 

 

Will looked back at him with a raised eyebrow, looking completely surprised.

 

‘Okay then.’ he laughed awkwardly, ‘I can’t believe you’re preaching to _me_ about my own brother, as if you know him better than me. That’s weird man.’ 

 

‘Um, sorry,’ Harry said, fidgeting a bit. Yeah, he wasn’t being obvious _at all_.

 

‘No, I guess it’s good that he has someone to defend him or whatever. Thanks man. Maybe you do know a little bit more about him right now than me, I mean, what’s been going on with him more recently.’ 

 

‘Maybe.’ Harry just said, really wanting this conversation to be over.

 

 

 

****

 

 

Harry was sat at his desk, his eyes so tired and dry that they started to get all cloudy and making it harder and harder for him to keep working on this horror of an essay in front of him. He had barely had any sleep during the night, two hours at most, before Louis woke him up as he was leaving his room. Harry, perhaps a bit too optimistically, decided to stay awake and have an early start to sort out this essay prep — essay prep that he should have done days ago already. It was getting way too close to the end of term and he had no clue at all where all this time had went. Sure, a lot had happened, but somehow it felt so quick and intense that he was completely shocked that it was already December.

 

He was still forcing himself to try and make out the words that were now blurring into one another on the page, when Louis came into his room. 

 

‘Hey,’ Harry smiled for a moment looking up from the scattered pages on his desk. Then his face fell, and he sighed exhaustedly, ‘I’m really struggling with all this work.’

 

‘Well, in that case, I think it’s a great time for a break, Harry. Try to clear your mind a bit. Take a breather.’ Louis grinned suggestively, taking a few, slow steps forward.

 

Harry rolled his eyes, ‘No, Louis, I can’t. I have way too much to do. If you guys still want us to go to quiz later, then I really have to finish reading through these articles. I’ve got three essays to do by the end of next week and they are so ridiculously hard.’

 

‘Ugh, I don’t know how this quiz night crap became a thing.’ Louis groaned, then turned to Harry with a smirk. ‘To be honest, I’d rather have a night in with you.’

 

‘I—‘ Harry hesitated, before shaking his head and looking back down to his work, ‘I really have to finish this now.’

 

Louis frowned for a moment, before walking over slowly and standing behind Harry’s chair, which Harry ignored. He tried to keep his eyes on the screen of his laptop, not acknowledging Louis’ attempts to distract him, but it was helpless really. 

 

Louis started to play with his hair, running his fingers through it, scratching at the scalp lightly with his fingernails. Soothingly. He bent down to kiss his neck and Harry just gave into the movement, letting his eyelids flutter shut and tilting his head to give Louis more access. 

 

Then Louis twirled Harry’s desk chair around and, by then, Harry was just as hungry for contact, pulling him down into a kiss instantly. Louis climbed onto Harry’s lap, straddling him. He held Harry’s face tightly between the palms of his hand, while Harry’s hands travelled up and down his back and sides, hips and thighs, exploring every part eagerly.

 

Their breaths quickly got more staggered and desperate, their hearts beating strong in their chests. Harry was already getting hard from the friction when Louis broke away for a moment to pull his t-shirt off quickly, and this is it, he thought, it was finally happening. 

 

Putting his hands under Louis’ thighs securely, he lifted them both off the chair and crossed the few feet that separated them from the bed. He dropped them down onto it a tiny bit more clumsily than he hoped for, but that didn’t change the fact that Louis was now on his bed, staring back at him longingly.

 

Harry leaned down so that their lips could meet again, kissing hotly.

 

Then a loud slamming noise made him snap out of it, jumping a bit in surprise.

 

No.

 

Please, no. Harry thought, knowing exactly what would come next.

 

‘NIALLER’S HERE!’ he could hear the voice booming from the hallway, hardly deterred by the doors that separated them from it.

 

And, just like that, Louis was pushing him off, with a sigh, ‘well, looks like the fun is over.’ 

 

Harry watched as the other easily found his t-shirt, putting it on swiftly, before turning to him and saying a quick, ‘I’ll see you later tonight, yeah?’

 

After that, all Harry got was a quick little peck before Louis was gone. He could hear him tell the other two that he was heading out to meet some friends and that he’ll meet them later at R&D, then moments later the door to the flat slammed shut and he was just left there, in his room, with a raging boner, feeling very, very lost. Niall and Will were probably waiting for him to come out and hang out with them, but he just couldn’t. He really just needed to take a shower.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The next day, Harry had, to his dismay, woken up to what he now began calling the ‘post-quiz night hangover morning’, which could also be described as his most despised day of the week. It seemed like the worse they did in that stupid quiz, the more pissed they got which, among other things, caused Harry to develop this newfound tendency to talk to inanimate objects with much greater frequency — in particular, shouting an angry ‘fuck off’ at his phone in response to the insistent ringing of its alarm. He did so over and over and over again, as he tapped snooze just one more time.

 

Of course, what made it worse was Niall’s insistent mockery of him and his hungover misery, and his repetitive comments about how Harry can’t take a drink anymore and is basically like an old man. Yeah, he definitely didn’t appreciate it. What he did appreciate though, was waking up with a glass of water and paracetamol waiting for him on his bedside cabinet, left there by a certain special someone who was quickly becoming his absolutely favourite person.

 

When he finally dragged himself out of bed, his head throbbing intensely, Harry really started wondering if he was turning into an old man. Why did nature curse him with such a weak head? Still, he pressed on, knowing that he absolutely could not miss this particular seminar.

 

What he found there was a pleasant surprise. Louis was sitting on the sofa with his guitar resting next to him while he scribbled something in his small notebook. He was so engrossed in the task that he didn’t even notice Harry come into the room until he was standing right beside him, looking down at him with a weak smile — a smile that was intended to be wide and happy, but its excitement was hindered by the pain in his head. 

 

‘Hey,’ he said more raspy than expected. His throat ached too. Ah. There was some loud singing or, more accurately, yelling, happening while they walked home in the freezing December night. It was not a good idea, obviously, but seemed fun at the time. It was all definitely incited by Niall. What were they even singing? Did Louis sing? Surely he’d remember every word that sexy, angelic voice sang, if he had done? 

 

He then remembered so badly wanting to hold Louis the night before, to hold his hand and keep each other warm. Harry knew that he definitely tended to get a lot more clingy when drunk, so it must have been a miracle that he managed to keep his hands off of Louis. Well, while they were around Will at least. There was a lot of sneaking off throughout the night and Niall was great at distracting Will, so that he didn’t notice just how frequent these little escapades were. Truthfully, it probably wasn’t that difficult of a task, considering that the already very oblivious to just about everything Will, got even more so when intoxicated. It was a very helpful quality of his, really.

 

‘Hey,’ Louis replied, his eyes softening and crinkling at the side as he looked at Harry. It absolutely made Harry melt on the spot, seeing this soft, warm stare directed at him, especially from a person whose gaze was often so dark and empty. This was _his_ look and he absolutely adored it.

 

‘I’m late.’ Harry sighed sadly, his fingers still clutching tightly to Louis’ shirt.

 

‘How about I walk with you?’ Louis offered in response, ’I won’t be here when you get back and I really just want to spend some time together. You know, in the light of day. Outside. Without the usual company.’

 

‘Okay.’ Harry smiled back. That was all it took to make Louis hastily grab his jacket and vans, rushing excitedly, just to walk with each other for a tiny while. It was something so little, yet it was the little things that they enjoyed so much. It was as if every moment mattered.

 

And they walked to campus, hand in hand, just like Harry wanted to so badly the night before. 

 

But he did feel anxious too. He so badly hoped that none of Will’s many friends would notice them in passing and break them away from this moment, would notice them and approach Will about it and ruin this great thing that they had going on right now. He wasn’t ready for Will to find out.

 

 

 

***

 

 

The flat, just like the streets that Harry had to walk down on his way back home from university, was cold and very, very dark, even though it was only after 4pm. Louis seemed to have left already and Harry had began to have a slight dislike for Joan at times like this, as in, whenever she made Louis go into work early. 

 

It was stupid, really. Obviously she didn’t deserve his dislike, he knew that, and, apart for these fleeting moments when he missed Louis while he was at work, he generally really admired her. Joan was like a guardian angel, a fairy godmother of sorts for Louis. She kept his boy in work and out of trouble. Gave him a home, when his own wasn’t so great. 

 

The memories of his conversations with Louis about the difficulties that he had faced at home were reappearing at random times, making him angry, both at the parents that would treat their son with such neglect and at Will who let them. He knew he was probably being a bit too upset by it all, maybe it wasn’t even really his business what went on in someone else’s home, but he was just caring so intensely about Louis, more and more so as days went on, that he couldn’t help it.

 

He sighed, tired and feeling a bit lonely, as he reached the living room. He dropped himself onto the sofa, laying down and resting his head on the pillow that he gave Louis so long ago, wrapping himself in his blankets. If it was an attempt to get closer to Louis, then it wasn’t worth much, since the guy hardly ever even slept on that sofa anymore. Even the tv was rarely on nowadays. Louis was either out working or at Niall’s flat, writing songs and playing music that Harry _still has not fucking heard,_ or sleeping in Harry’s room. The latter one he actually really liked though.

 

He sighed, knowing that he should be going to his room and either working on his essays or revising for tests, yet there he was, staring in front of himself numbly.

 

And then he noticed it. Louis’ little notebook.

 

He stared at it, curiosity burning inside him. He had been in this position before and it had not ended well. He definitely didn’t need a repeat of what happened after he had gone through the personal things that Louis kept in his guitar case. So, no. He was not going to open that little thing, tempting as it was, because he didn’t want to break that trust again. He really didn’t. Opening that little notebook would have been a massive invasion of privacy, he decided, trying to shake off those temptations.

 

He started focusing on the other things on the table, and noticed that there were also, among the general mess of plates and wrappers and leftovers, some scattered pieces of paper. They were all scribbled on by a untidy, rushed handwriting that was obviously Louis’ and probably were just as private and unintended for his eyes as whatever was in the notebook, but they weren’t hidden or closed, so they were fair game, right? At least that was his thinking when he quickly sat up and leaned over to grab them eagerly.

 

What he saw didn’t make much sense at all. It was mainly just scribbles. Things written over and over and crossed out over and over. Looking over it, it sort of just seemed like a record of someone’s descent into insanity, with nearly the same lines written and re-written over and over with little notes next to them like ‘no’ or ‘maybe later’ or just a whole bunch of question marks.

 

One particular section of the notes was separated with a thick, messy line from the others.

 

‘next to you??

 

/i’d always rather be next to you./

 

/if it’s okay with you??/

 

if it’s all the same

i’d always rather be,

next to you

 

Harry didn't really get to put much thought to the lyrics themselves, because there were honest to god little love hearts drawn next to the words and that’s when he decided that it was _definitely_ the time to get out of there and pretend like he never saw anything. He was actually feeling quite light-headed from the mixture of feelings that was now pulsing through his body. His heart was beating hard and a warmth was spreading over his body because of the fond and, simultaneously, guilt because of feeling like he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to. 

 

There was also this little fact that the thought of Louis, all smitten, gushing and drawing little cute love-hearts because of _him_ was really turning him on. He couldn’t make out just why he found it so hot, but he really, really did.

 

He wasn’t going to bring it up though. Louis would hate it. So, instead, when Louis got back from work, he just kissed him that little bit sweeter and smiled that little bit wider.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

It was still night-time as far as Harry thought, when Louis woke him up by laying soft kisses on his neck. He murmured something unintelligible in response, letting Louis know he was awake.

 

‘Morning.’ Louis laughed softly into his ears. ‘I’m about to leave now. Will’s gonna be up soon.’

 

That made Harry turn around with a frown, squeezing Louis’ arm, which was still wrapped around him, tighter.

 

‘No, don’t.’ he said, pleading, ‘not yet.’

 

Louis rolled his eyes.

 

‘Come on, don’t be like that. We both know that I can’t be here—‘

 

Harry cut him off with a kiss.

 

‘Come on. Just stay for a while.’ He said, moving only the slightest bit away from the other’s face. Then he smirked, seeing Louis’ torn expression. ‘I’ll make it worth your time.’

 

He expected some sarky response, but instead, Louis’ mouth just fell open slightly and his eyes widened. If anything, he just looked more lost. Hesitant.

 

Harry waited, raising his eyebrows challengingly. Louis let out a short chuckle, shaking his head.

 

‘You’re awful.’ he said, before leaning in with a smile and meeting Harry’s lips with his own, not deterred by their morning breath. 

 

Harry kissed back eagerly, pushing Louis onto his back. His hands started travelling all over his body, not wanting to leave anything untouched. He started playing with the waistband of Louis’ boxers, wanting to pull them off already.

 

‘No—‘ Louis said, sharply.

 

He went tense, looking away, his breath turning into quick, staggering intakes of air. Harry slowed down, immediately sensing something was off. 

 

‘Louis?’ Harry asked, moving away as the other’s breath’s turned into even more desperate gasps. ‘What did I do?’

 

‘No— I have— I have to— get out— leave—‘ he replied loudly, desperation in his voice. He pushed Harry away, but weakly, his body shaky.

 

‘Wait, Lou—‘ Harry protested, panicking internally, ’What’s wrong?’

 

Louis only made it to the edge of the bed before he broke down into sobs, gasping for air. It was a terrifying sight for Harry and his own heart started beating, fast and heavy, as he watched as Louis seemed to completely break down. For a while all he could do was just stare, open-mouthed, too scared to move.

 

What should he do? What’s the right thing to do in these situations? What do you do when someone you’re close to just starts— he wasn’t quite sure what was happening. Was it some sort of anxiety attack or something?

 

Why do they never _teach you_ how to deal with stuff like that? He wondered, a mix of bitterness and panic. Quickly, he tried to shake those feelings off. What was happening was not about him. It was about Louis. Something was happening to him and Harry felt this intense need to help, to fix whatever it was that was hurting Louis to this extent. 

 

‘Louis,’ he said softly, crawling on the bed until he was right beside him. 

 

He took one of his shaking hands, squeezing it tightly. ‘Louis, look at me.’ 

 

But Louis either ignored him or didn’t even register his words. All that came out of his mouth were staggered breaths and a repetitive, breathless, ‘everything is wrong, why is everything always so wrong’.

 

‘Louis,’ Harry repeated louder and with more conviction, which seemed to work, finally making the other look at him. 

 

‘Just breathe— breathe with me.’ He said, breathing in and out slowly, urging Louis to copy him. Harry couldn't help frowning with worry as he did so, but tried to hold back his own feelings and focus on helping Louis in any way that he could. ‘Come on, I’m right here. You can talk to me. I’m right here.’

 

And that’s when Will barged in with wide, sleepy eyes and agitated expression, reminding Harry of just how paper thin their walls were. There was a reason why Niall felt the need to make sure that they know when the house was free and this was it — because you could hear _everything._

 

‘What’s happening? I heard noise and—‘ he started, before stopping right in his tracks, taking in the scene in front of him. What he saw was Harry and Louis sitting on the edge of the bed in nothing but their boxers on, his brother weeping and shaking with anxiety. 

 

‘What the fuck is going on? What have you done?’ He said harshly, his eyes snapping to Harry, looking at him accusingly. Apparently he had made a split-second decision that something was wrong and, whatever it was, Harry was to blame. How quickly, not even knowing what was going on in the room, he sided with his brother, absolutely shocked Harry and he didn’t know whether to feel offended that Will could think that he would ever hurt Louis on purpose or scared of the furious, tense glare focused right on him.

 

‘I haven’t—‘ Harry started, but Will wasn’t listening.

 

‘I think you should go, Harry. I think you should leave.’ He said harshly.

 

‘No,’ Louis gasped out. ‘No, I don’t want him to leave, Will. He hasn’t done anything. He hasn’t.’

 

Will looked from one to the other, confused.

 

‘What’s happening then?’

 

Louis started breathing harsher again, the question apparently dragging him back into that panicked state.

 

‘Will, please could you leave?’ Harry pleaded, ‘I have this, I promise. I have him.’ 

 

‘But—‘ Will hesitated, ‘Louis? You want me to leave?’

 

Louis looked at him with his bloodshot eyes, nodding.

 

‘Okay.’ Will seemed unsure, but complied. ‘Just— explain later, okay?’

 

As soon as he was out of the room, Harry turned back to Louis, who seemed just as wrecked as he was before. He softly turned his face towards himself by lifting Louis’ chin with his fingers. 

 

‘I’m here for you, you know. Whatever you need. You can say anything to me, you know that?’ he said earnestly.

 

Louis didn’t say anything back, but curled into his side and Harry wrapped an arm around him, giving his shoulder a little, reassuring squeeze. It took a while before Louis’ breathing evened out and his sobs had stopped. After waiting for a bit in the calm silence that finally settled, Harry turned to Louis and asked,

 

‘Can you tell me what happened?’

 

Louis looked down, seeming ashamed.

 

‘I thought I’d be okay, I really did. But I just—‘ He still looked really upset, frowning.

 

‘It’s okay, just say whatever’s on your mind. Maybe I can help? Or maybe just saying things out loud could help, you know?’ Harry encouraged him. 

 

Louis just nodded slowly.

 

‘I thought I’d be okay, but it all just came back. Memories and feelings and shit and I just can’t. I constantly feel like I’m drowning, Harry. Constantly. Everything just feels wrong.’ He said, sounding completely resigned.

 

‘You can tell me about it, you know that right? Whatever made you feel like this. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’ Harry replied, before chuckling lightly, ‘but I’m pretty sure we’ve covered that fact already plenty of times.’

 

‘It’s not funny, Harry.’ Louis replied flatly.

 

‘I know,’ he sighed in response, ‘but I just want you to know— you can lay it all on me. Whatever is bothering you. Whatever made you—‘

 

‘Freak out like some psycho?’ Louis offered.

 

‘I was gonna say upset.’

 

‘Well, that’s an understatement of the century.’ Louis laughed dryly.

 

‘Please, just talk to me.’ Harry pleaded, then, after thinking for a moment, quickly added, ‘I mean, if you want to. I shouldn’t be pressuring you or anything. Sorry.’

 

‘Ugh,’ Louis groaned, ‘why are you always so, I don’t know, considerate and patient? I always feel like such a dickhead around you. To be honest, I totally _am_ a dick to people.’

 

‘I know I probably sound like a broken record by now, but I hate when you speak like that about yourself and I don’t agree with any of it.’

 

‘You gonna tell me i’m great now?’ Louis replied, his tone sarcastic and cold.

 

‘Now and everyday that you let me.’ Harry replied without a second of hesitation, laying a small kiss on Louis’ head.

 

Louis looked up at him and started tearing up a bit again because of the of how genuine those words sounded. He could see that Harry really meant them. It was obvious. 

 

Harry squeezed Louis’ hand tightly, encouragingly. He sighed in response, looking down to gather his thoughts.

 

‘Well, I’ve always had problems with you know—‘ he seemed to struggle to get the words out, ‘depression and anxiety.’

 

Harry nodded along, listening intently, but he couldn’t help the sadness appearing in his own eyes because of the thought of Louis suffering with anything like that.

 

‘Ugh. I hate that I’m one of those people now who keep saying that something “triggers” them. They always sounded like such dickheads to me, but now— now i know what it feels like, I guess. Memories attacking you because a little thing reminded you of something.I don’t know. I just—‘

 

‘Was it something i did? That triggered this?’ Harry asked, sounded worried. Guilty.

 

’No. I mean. It’s just— I don’t want to say it, because i can’t _un_ say it, you know? It’s bad. It’s really bad.’ Louis said, starting to chew on his lip awkwardly.

 

‘Just tell me.’

 

‘Well, there’s much more to it, but I guess the main thing is—‘ he started still hesitantly, but then spoke the next words fast, as if trying to expel them from himself, ‘basically, the last time I had sex, I woke up the next day and the guy was fucking dead. Choked on his own vomit. We were celebrating, you know. Got high as fuck and— I guess he took too much and I was too out of it to notice.’

 

Harry didn’t know what to say. Suddenly it all dawned on him. He figured it all out then and he felt so stupid for not realising earlier. So many little remarks now became clear. All the black. 

 

He remembered the ‘more now than i used to’ comment that Louis made when he asked him why he worse so much black. He remembered the black on the twitter page. He remembered ‘The Rouge is no more’. Louis constantly talking about how everything ends, constantly saying that he ruins stuff. Then he remembered another thing Louis said — ‘they didn’t want us without him.’ 

 

_Him_. 

 

It was Zayn. The guy he was talking about was Zayn. They were celebrating being signed and then he OD’ed. That’s how the band ended. That’s why Louis kept saying that he ruined things. He felt guilty.

 

‘Oh god, I’m so sorry.’ Harry said quickly, ‘That must be an awful thing to have to deal with.’

 

‘Yeah.’ Louis said, frowning at his hands as he fumbled with his fingers, ’I think that’s not all of it though— and it’s pretty fucked up really. I’m so fucked up.’

 

‘No, you’re not.’ Harry said softly, but insistently. ‘And if there’s more, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I’ll listen. You can tell me _anything_ , you know that? I won’t judge you.’ 

 

Harry wanted to sound strong, reassuring, but, quite honestly, he was scared of what he was going to hear. He was scared that he would react the wrong way and make things worse.

 

‘But what if Will’s listening? I can’t have him listen to this.’ Louis said quickly, in a whisper, eyes darting towards the door.

 

‘I’ll check and tell him to fuck off, if he’s there. Don’t worry.’ Harry said, letting go of Louis, and walking over to the door. He opened it only slightly, sticking out his head to have a look around, before turning back, saying, ‘He’s not there.’

 

‘I think it might upset you.’ Louis said, looking really anxious, once Harry sat back next to him and wrapped his arm around him again.

 

‘Why?’ he asked, really confused.

 

‘I don’t know—‘ Louis hesitated, ‘it’s not just what happened that night, you see. It’s everything before. It’s the way he treated me too— and how I always let him. And, for some reason, I _still_ can’t break free. I’m here and I want to be with you, but it seems like he’s still holding me back. It’s all so— wrong.’

 

‘The guy you’re talking about, it was Zayn, right? From your band?’ Harry asked, even though he had already figured that out for himself. The thing was, he had to say _something_ because a part of him kept thinking that Louis thought that being with him felt wrong and that hurt and he really had to get away from that thought.

 

Louis nodded.

 

‘So what happened there? You said he treated you badly?’ Harry said, urging Louis on.

 

‘He treated me like shit, yeah, but the thing is, I _let him_.’ Louis said, shaking his head with frown, ‘Remember when you thought that I only liked you when I was drunk?’ 

 

Harry nodded slowly, so he continued,

 

‘Well, when you said that, it made me feel like absolute shit because that’s what Zayn was like towards me and the idea that I would act like that towards _you_ made me feel sick with myself. Made me hate myself for it.’

 

‘No, don’t feel bad about it.’ Harry interrupted him, ‘I know that’s not how you actually feel about me now.’

 

‘I still feel bad about it though. I don’t want to make you feel the way he made me feel for so long. Because that’s exactly what he was like and I knew it. He was awful to me, really. I realise that now. Zayn ignored my feelings for so long, until he felt like using them to get what he wanted and all that Zayn wanted was drugs and sex. He liked to fuck and he liked people to _want_ him. So he just sort of kept me there, like a pet or something because that’s exactly what I was doing. He just loved the attention, it made him feel like some sort of rockstar. And I wanted him so desperately anyway, even though I knew that he didn’t feel the same. 

 

‘That night, we were all still buzzing from getting signed and he wanted to celebrate. He wanted a fan to fuck and apparently that’s what I was to him — not a friend, not a bandmate but just another one of his fans. Groupies. And I thought that finally all my dreams were coming true, as stupid as that sounds. Finally, he saw me, finally he wanted me. At least that’s what I thought. But he didn’t really. Everything was still the same. Fuck. I was so pathetic.’

 

‘It’s not pathetic. You loved him.’ Harry said, trying to be reassuring in some way, because he hated Louis being so hard on himself.

 

‘I don’t think I did though. That’s not what love is, right? To just obsess over someone, to just follow them mindlessly. That’s like, what, addiction? That’s not love, that’s just— being a fucking idiot.’

 

‘Hey, you _have_ to stop being so hard on yourself.’

 

‘But you know what’s even more pathetic?’ Louis continued, completely ignoring that Harry had spoken, ‘How much it hurts. How much it hurts now that he is gone, even though he had treated me so badly, I still miss him so much and I _hate_ that. It’s like he still has a hold on me, even though he’s gone. It’s like he’s keeping me from living my life— from moving on. Fuck. Why is everything so messed up, Harry? Why is everything always so _wrong_?’

 

‘Listen, it’s not all—‘

 

‘But it is! It really is.’ Louis interrupted him, raising his voice, ‘Everything is _always_ wrong. First everything was wrong because I couldn’t have Zayn and I wanted him so bad, so bad that it was pathetic. Then I had him, even though it was just for a moment, but it all still felt wrong. Something was missing. He treated me like shit. Then everything was wrong because— because— I lost him. And now everything is wrong because I want to be with you, but he’s stopping me. He’s stopping me because I feel guilty for moving on and getting out of this grasp that he had over me and because I miss him. He’s stopping me from being with you and I despise him for it.’

 

‘Listen to me,’ Harry said, this time making sure he had Louis’ attention, squeezing his hand tighter, ‘you shouldn’t feel guilty. I know it may seem like you should, like you did something wrong that night, but, in that moment, you couldn’t have seen that. You were just as high as he was. And you shouldn’t feel bad about how you felt towards him. Yeah, maybe now you see that he wasn’t worth it, but back then, you had hope. You had hope that he would change, that he would feel like you do, and it’s not your fault that he didn’t and it’s not wrong to have hope. You shouldn’t feel bad for having hope in someone. And, you _will_ be able to move on. I truly believe that. And you can have all the time that you need to do it. I will wait however long it takes because I care about you. _So much._ ’

 

Louis looked like he was on the verge of breaking down again.

 

‘But look at me.’ he said, gesturing to himself, ‘I’m a mess. I’m so fucked up. Broken. I’m just hurting everybody constantly.’

 

‘The only thing that’s hurting me is seeing you like this.’ Harry said, ‘you’re not fucked up, even if that’s what you think of yourself, and you have people here who really care about you and would do anything to make you feel better. You have me. you have Joan too. You have Niall. He thinks you’re some sort of musical genius, by the way. And shit, you have Will. He was about to pounce on me and beat me to shit, just ‘cause he thought i did something to you. And yeah, you might have been a dick or messed things up in the past, but we’re all still here.’

 

‘I don’t deserve it though.’

 

‘You do. You really do. There is more to you than your mistakes, Louis. You have to understand that. There is so much more to you. And—‘ Harry said, hesitating for a moment, ‘i really shouldn’t be saying this right now. this is like the worst time—‘

 

‘What?’ Louis asked, frowning apprehensively.

 

‘I think i’m falling in love with you.’ 

 

Louis just laughed.

 

‘I’m being serious.’ 

 

‘Why?’ he asked incredulously, distrustingly almost, ‘I’m such a mess.’

 

‘No. You’re a person that had to deal with a lot of shit. You’re not the mess. You’re incredibly talented and hot and even a teeny-tiny bit funny sometimes, and—‘

 

‘You’re just gonna get bored of me. Tired of me. Mad at me.’ Louis interrupted dryly.

 

Harry sighed with frustration.

 

‘Why do you have so little faith in me? I know my feelings better than you do. I know my limits and I say I’m staying. I don’t want to go anywhere, please stop telling yourself that I do, telling _me_ that I do.’

 

Louis just stared at him for a while. They sat there in silence as Harry waited for some sort of response. Finally, Louis spoke.

 

‘It might take so long though— I don’t know how long it will take. Maybe I’ll never really feel normal. You don’t deserve that, you—‘

 

‘Oh shut up.’ Harry snapped, rolling his eyes. ‘Just shut the fuck up with the telling me what I want, because I’ve already decided what I want. I want _you_. I want you. And I want you to feel better and to tell me things and hopefully to maybe feel the same as I do. So, basically, it’s up to you. If you don’t want to be with me, that’s up to you. Because I want to be with you.’ he hesitated, suddenly more unsure, self-conscious, ‘um, wait, do you— do you actually want to be with me, or am i just completely embarrassing myself?

 

‘No, you’re not, definitely not,’ Louis said quickly, ’I want you so much, I just— can’t. You just saw me. Can’t even have sex without having a panic attack.’

 

‘Well, I’m not some sex-crazed maniac, don’t worry about that. Seriously. You take as much time as you need. I want you to be okay, that’s what I want. That’s the main thing.’ 

 

Louis bit down on his lip, thinking.

 

‘You’re too good to me. You’re too good of a person—‘ he finally said.

 

‘ _Please_ , I can be just as lazy and useless and a dick as everyone else.’ Harry laughed. ‘like, please lower your expectations for me, ‘cause i’m not a saint either.’

 

Louis seemed to weigh his words for a while, before asking,

 

‘You’re sure about this? Wanting to be with me, even though you know how fucked up I am?’

 

‘One hundred percent.’ He beamed, before adding more sternly, ‘And you’re not fucked up. Stop saying it. I mean it.’

 

‘Okay, okay.’ Louis rolled his eyes, ‘I’ll try.’

 

‘Good.’ Harry replied. 

 

There was a moment of silence then between them. It felt like something was lifted and they just looked at each other for a while. For a moment, they could breathe. It all felt calm.

 

‘So,’ Harry broke the silence, ‘what do we do about Will?’

 

 

 

***

 

 

After spending around half an hour just gathering courage to get out of the room, they finally did it. They had gone through many possible scenarios that might await them, of arguments and reactions they might face, and they were most definitely nervous. They had it though. There was no going back now, so they just had to deal with it and hope for the best.

 

When they walked into the living room, they found Will passed out on the couch, fast asleep, open-mouthed and dribbling all over himself. 

 

They exchanged a slightly confused look, before Harry spoke, hushed, not wanting to wake him too harshly, ‘Will?’ 

 

That seemed to do nothing.

 

‘Maybe we should just leave him?’ Louis asked in a whisper.

 

‘No, we have to do this. No point putting it off now.’ Harry said, trying to sound decisive, but, quite honestly, all that he wanted to do was crawl back into bed and have some rest after all the stress of the morning.

 

‘Will.’ He said more loudly, nudging the sofa with his foot.

 

‘Uh? What’s happenin’? Everyone alright?’ Will asked, looking around wide-eyed and hazy.

 

‘We thought you’d be pacing around the room, freaking out.’ Harry said, trying to hold back a laugh at his ridiculous expression.

 

Will shrugged, ‘I was, but you guys were taking _so long_. And I was fucking exhausted still.’ 

 

He yawned loudly then, as if to illustrate the point. Then after a pause, he got up, looking more concerned, as if he only just woken up and remembered the scene from before. But the anger and shock that were on his face earlier, that Harry and Louis were preparing themselves to encounter, were gone. What Will actually did, was walk up to louis, putting a hand on his shoulder in a reassuring way, ‘you okay bro?’

 

Louis nodded hesitantly.

 

‘Okay then.’ He replied, moving back. A tense silence filled the room for a moment, ‘so—‘

 

‘So—‘ Harry echoed much more quietly.

 

‘My best friend and my brother, eh?’

 

‘Yeah.’ the other two nodded, slowly, still a bit anxious.

 

‘D’you know what? I’m surprisingly fine with this.’ Will said, his expression surprised but calm, ‘just don’t tell me any details or anything. Like, I don’t need to know. As long as everyone’s okay, I’m okay. Are we all okay?’ he asked again.

 

‘Yeah, sure,’ both nodded, with surprise. It didn’t quite seem real.

 

‘Okay then.’ he sighed loudly, ‘I’m so exhausted. Do you guys feel really exhausted by today?’

 

They just nodded. It was true. They were definitely quite worn, sporting quite a big headache from crying and emotional strain.

 

‘I’ll see you later then,’ Will said, walking back to his room, not even bothering to look back. 

 

‘Well, that was—‘ Harry started.

 

‘Unexpected?’ Louis filled in.

 

For a moment they stood there, still in some confused awe.

 

‘Do you wanna go back to bed?’ Harry turned to Louis eventually.

 

‘Don’t you have a seminar to go to?’ he replied with a slight frown.

 

‘Well, it’s just a review, so maybe I can skip it.’ Harry shrugged.

 

‘You sure?’

 

‘Definitely.’ he smiled, holding out his hand for Louis to take and follow him.

 

So they both headed to Harry’s room, curling up together under the covers. Louis wrapped himself around Harry’s back, snuggling his face into his hair.

 

After a moment, he spoke.

 

‘I think I might be falling for you too.’ he whispered, then laughed, ‘jesus, I can feel you grinning from here.’

 

‘Well, I’m happy.’ Harry replied, ‘and i’m really glad you said that, because I sort of lied before.’

 

Louis went tense, frowning, ‘Lied?’

 

‘I mean, I lied because I don’t _think_ I’m falling in love with you. I’m already there.’ Harry said, turning around to look at Louis. ‘I’m in love you.’

 

‘Oh my god, you’re such an idiot.’ Louis said, ‘I thought you meant you were joking before or something.’

 

‘No, no, definitely not.’ Harry laughed quickly. ‘I’m not joking. I mean it. I love you.’

 

Louis just stared at him wide-eyed and open mouthed for a little while before speaking.

 

‘You’re probably the best thing that has happened to me, you know?’ He said, making Harry grin even wider. 

 

He felt great. The moment felt great and right. It felt like they could finally have some moment of peace, so they lay back in bed and closed their eyes, because they really were tired and it really was still early. 

 

While falling sleep, all Harry was thinking about was just how much he hoped that one day Louis would no longer feel like he is constantly drowning. His mind was filling with metaphors that Louis would no doubt hate, but he didn’t know how else to express his feelings except in this bombastic, dramatised way. He kept thinking, that if Louis was lost, he’d ground him and be his anchor. He would calm the seas for him, so that they could sail together, and if he feels like drowning, he would breathe for him and keep him above water, if he ever felt lost, he would be a lighthouse, guiding him home. He would do all that and more, if he only got a chance.

 

But he definitely shouldn’t write poetry or say any of this out loud, ‘cause Louis would definitely kill him for these goddamn awful, cliche metaphors. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo... bit of a stressful one, eh?
> 
> Anyway, apologies for disappearing for so long. I had problems with uni work and my personal life and generally a shitty few weeks, but I'm writing again now! :) 
> 
> I sort of really want to do a Christmas/NYE themed chapter, but it will obviously be late. I've got some ideas for it though. If you want to help, comment with some ideas of what present Harry could get for Louis and I might put it in haha
> 
> To be honest, I didn't expect people to actually be /waiting/ for something that I wrote and asking me for updates, but I'm so happy that people are liking the story enough to actually contact me about it :) Comments and messages are always welcome!
> 
> (you can follow and message me on anything you like, tumblr, twitter, instagram, my username is annanotesxo on everything!)
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo


	13. IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> …you know you’re late with uploading when you post a Christmas chapter in March.
> 
> Sorry!!!!! I’ve had uni stuff. And mega writer’s block. :(
> 
> This chapter is mainly fluff and Christmassy nonsense. The next chapter is also festive because this was becoming way too long and needed breaking down.
> 
> Here's a little recap:
> 
> GENERAL GIST: Will and Harry are best friends. Louis is Will’s estranged twin brother who Harry had no clue even existed. Will asked Harry to figure out if Louis actually planned on staying or if he will disappear again. Harry, although extremely irritated by Louis initially, finds him interesting and wants to find out more about him, but falls for him in the process.
> 
> LAST CHAPTER: Niall's simultaneously the biggest Larrie and the biggest cockblock of them all, hanging around the flat constantly. We found out that the reason Louis was back in England so suddenly was because his bandmate, Zayn, who he was in love with, had overdosed and died right next to him, traumatising him. Louis has a panic attack and Harry calms him down. Will finds out about Harry and Louis and is surprisingly okay with it. Harry and Louis totes love each other. Amen.
> 
> ANYWAY, hope you like this xoxo

Over a month has passed since Louis first spent the night in Harry’s bed and not once during that time had Harry woken up before him, yet when he was startled awake by the sound of a loud, cheerful song coming from the living room and looked around, he found the bed next to him empty. That was new.

 

It took him a minute to try and figure out what the words accompanying the music were, they were muffled by the distance but he knew they sounded awfully familiar.

 

While he was still looking around the room, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand, Will appeared in the doorway, clearly woken up by the noise as well. 

 

‘It’s begun.’ Will said ominously, his voice groggy. He let out a long groan, before turning away and making his way to the bathroom.

 

Louis just frowned curiously and, yawning widely, followed the sound to the living room. 

 

He walked into the room just as the lively song turned into a slower one, starting with soft bell notes and a smooth female voice. 

 

Harry turned around immediately, sensing his presence. His expression brightened into a wide grin as he started belting out the lyrics, along with Mariah.

 

_‘Aaahhh I don’t want a lot for Christmas’_

 

‘Oh no, please don’t’ Louis immediately interrupted, raising his hand.

 

Harry only grinned wider, waving his hands emotively as he sang the next lines.

 

_‘THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED’_

 

‘Seriously, stop.’ Louis said trying to maintain an annoyed, appalled expression.

 

His expression only made Harry giggle between words, but in no way discouraged the continuation of his passionate serenade.

 

_‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS_

_UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE’_

 

Harry sang, pointing to the two feet tall tree perched on top of their coffee table. It was surrounded by a mass of fairy lights and tinsel, Harry clearly being in the process of decorating the whole room.

 

‘That’s way too much tinsel for that tiny thing, you know.’ Louis said raising one eyebrow, but if that comment was supposed to distract Harry from his performance, it seriously backfired.

 

Harry quickly snatched one of the large pieces of tinsel and threw it around Louis’ neck, using it to pull him closer. He started singing lower, staring into Louis’ eyes with a smirk.

 

_‘I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN_

_MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW_

_MAKE MY WISH COME TRUEEEEEEOOOEHHHHUU_

_ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU’_

 

‘You have perfect timing, you know,’ Harry smiled widely, just inches away from Louis.

 

‘And you have perfect lips, you know.’ Louis replied, closing the space between them for a quick kiss, hoping that would bring an end to that very passionate performance. Also, he just really wanted to kiss his boyfriend.

 

‘Oh. Wonderful.’ Will said sarcastically, walking in on the scene. ‘I’m so glad you guys got together. This is exactly what I wanna be seeing first thing in the morning.’

 

‘Hey, you said you were okay with it,’ Louis shrugged with a smirk.

 

‘Doesn’t mean I have to be thrilled about the PDA though, does it?’ Will countered, ‘Anyway, I know there’s probably no point in even asking, but could you turn the music down just a tiny, little bit?’

 

‘Nope.’ Harry grinned mischievously.

 

‘Of course not.’ Will grumbled, making Harry laugh.

 

‘Come on, you don’t get to complain. We agreed that I get to decorate the place and—

 

‘be a weirdo Christmas freak,’ Will interrupted.

 

Harry sighed, rolling his eyes.

 

‘—and make everything more festive, at the start of the last week of term. And here we are, Monday of last week of term, and I have kept my word.’ 

 

‘Yeah, whatever.’ Will said, but nodded along defeatedly. ‘I’m going to El’s’

 

‘You know them lot are just as bad,’ Harry chuckled, as Will started to walk out of the room.

 

‘Yeah, but at least I don’t have to watch you two be all clingy.’

 

Harry laughed at Will’s miserable, hunched posture as he walked out of the room, and turned back to Louis.

 

‘Now, where were we?’ He asked, moving in closer and meeting Louis’ lips with his own.

 

 

 

 

***

 

On Friday, Harry had come back to the flat completely elated. He had handed in his last essay and now he felt incredibly relived and free — at least for the next month, until university started up again for the second term.

 

As he walked in, unwrapping the massive woolly scarf from around his neck, he heard the sound of their playstation in the living room. He couldn’t recognise the game. Once he popped off his shoes, he followed the sound, expecting to find Will there. But it wasn’t Will.

 

‘Niall?’ Harry asked, making his blonde friend turn around, bit distractedly, his head clearly still in the game. 

 

‘Oh, hey mate.’ he just grinned before pausing the game.

 

‘What are you doing here? Is Will home?’ Harry asked, scrunching up his face a bit. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Niall there, he just didn’t _expect_ him to be there. All of their friends were probably either still dropping off work or getting ready for their Christmas dinner later that night.

 

‘Nah, he went out with Eleanor, so that they could spend some time together before we all meet up, because she’s leaving to go back home early tomorrow morning.’ Niall explained.

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said, bit surprised, ‘have they sorted stuff out between them then?’

 

‘Yeah, they got back with each other like two weeks ago.’ he informed him, which, in turn, made Harry frown a bit more, confused.

 

‘So, you’re just sitting here on your own?’ 

 

‘Yeah,’ Niall shrugged.

 

‘Don’t mean to make you feel unwelcome but— don’t you have a flat of your own? You’ve pretty much been here every day for weeks now and I thought that was all to keep Will company since he was so heartbroken and lonely because of all the Eleanor problems. But since that’s apparently been sorted out— why are you here so much?’

 

Niall shrugged again, this time more awkwardly, his expression less cheerful. 

 

‘Well, _maybe_ I just wanted to spend some time with you guys too. Is that really such a crazy concept?’ 

 

Harry frowned, taken aback a bit, not sure what to say. Niall’s expression actually looked hurt. He continued talking, ‘I’ve just missed you guys, to be honest. And I don’t really like my housemates that much at all. I just moved in with them, because everyone else seemed to break off into their own little groups. I didn’t really have anywhere to go, what with Melissa living with Eleanor, Sophia and Liam — and you know how awkward things were between us, so I could hardly live with them — and then you and Will having your weird bestie bond thing going on, which I obviously didn’t want to intrude on. I didn’t really have a choice other than moving in with the lads from the football team. So, I used Will as an excuse to get closer to you guys again.’

 

Harry felt incredibly guilty hearing Niall’s confession. He never even considered that Niall maybe wanted to live with them. Was it really that bad? Were they really so consumed by their friendship that they completely overlooked him? 

 

And it was _Niall_. Niall loved people, loved spending time in groups and getting drunk and laughing his ass off. He truly was a people person and to think that he could feel abandoned by them like that, not having his friends to interact with him, really made Harry feel awful.

 

He sat down next to Niall, his tone apologetic, ‘I didn’t know you felt like that. I’m so sorry. I thought you wanted to live with the guys from the football team. Is it really that bad?’

 

‘It’s not bad, I just don’t really get along with them. They’re all loud and rowdy but not in a fun way, you know? Annoying, really.’ He shrugged again.

 

‘Okay, listen.’ Harry placed his hand on Niall’s shoulder, ‘You can come here any time you want. I won’t complain.’

 

‘ _Please_. I know I get in the way.’ Niall sighed.

 

‘Hm,’ Harry mused for a moment. It _was_ true, to a certain extent. Obviously, there were all the times when Niall had interrupted him and Louis, ruining perfect, hot moments between them, but Harry could hardly say that he didn’t like him being around their flat. The place felt alive with him in it. Sure, they spent more on takeaway and wasted more time getting casually drunk as they played video games, but that was hardly something he disliked. It was fun having him around, really.

 

‘Nah,’ He smiled widely, ‘I think we need you around here to keep us all entertained. I’m sort of already used to your constant company anyway. You can consider yourself an honorary flatmate. I mean, we already have one honorary flatmate, but the more the merrier, right? Couch is always free nowadays too, if you ever want to stay over.’

 

Niall looked up at him with big eyes, ‘Yeah?’

 

‘’Course mate.’ Harry chuckled, ‘wouldn’t want it any other way.’

 

‘Alright.’ Niall said, sitting up from his previous slouched position, seeming very uplifted.

 

‘Good,’ Harry said, then, giving Niall a friendly punch to the shoulder added, ‘but you do need to get out of here now, ‘cause Louis is about to come home and, no offence, but I’d rather spend some time alone with him right now, you know.’

 

‘Yeah, I getcha,’ Niall chuckled, instantly hopping off the couch and sending Harry a cheeky wink. Harry responded with an eye roll, but smiled widely. He followed Niall with his eyes as he scrambled getting his things together and getting ready to leave. Niall turned back towards him, just before leaving, saying a quick, but booming, ’See ya later, mate.’

 

‘Yeah, see ya.’ Harry replied, taking a moment to rest his mind before starting to get himself ready for the dinner later that night.

 

 

***

 

 

‘Do I really have to wear this? I look like an absolute knobhead.’ Louis whined, scrunching up his face as he stared at his reflection with distaste.

 

‘I think you look cute.’ Harry said, walking up to him, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend — because at some point during the previous week they started calling each other that — from behind, resting his chin on Louis’ shoulder. They both looked at each other in the mirror. Louis grimaced even more at his words.

 

 

‘I don’t want to look _cute._ ’

 

Harry chuckled, ‘Oh come on, don’t be like that. You can ditch this doom and gloom act for one day. It’s Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year. Cheer up chap.’

 

Louis just rolled his eyes with a groan.

 

‘It’s not though, is it? It’s not for another two weeks.’ he said with a displeased frown, ‘and I really don’t want to wear it. I look stupid.’

 

‘You look absolutely charming and I would _really_ love for you to wear it. It’s sort of a tradition.’ Harry said, keeping eye contact with Louis’ reflection.

 

‘Can something really be a tradition if it was only done once before?’ Louis argued, but Harry didn’t seem at all deterred.

‘Of course it can!’ he smiled widely, ‘everything has to start somewhere doesn’t it?’

 

‘So, everyone’s gonna wear a Christmas jumper then?’ Louis asked hesitantly.

 

‘Yeah, definitely,’ Harry smiled squeezing him tighter, nuzzling his face into his hair, before starting to lay quick little kisses on his neck.

 

‘Oi, stop it!,’ Louis said, trying to sound stern, but unable to stop giggling, ‘get your slobbery mouth off of me and stop trying to distract me. You’re not gonna convince me to wear this thing like that.’

 

‘Oh, _come on_ ,’ Harry said with wide, pleading eyes and a little pout.

 

It didn’t take long before Louis rolled his eyes again with a sigh.

 

‘Okay then,’ he finally said, still not looking particularly convinced.

 

It was only the evening before that Louis even learnt about the dinner thing. Apparently, it was a ‘tradition’ for the group of former flatmates to meet up on the last day of term to have a Christmas meal together before everyone went off in their different directions. It was a nice sentiment, he thought, but still wasn’t too keen about the idea of Harry dragging him along to spend a whole night with his friends with him. There was something about sitting down with people and actually having a nice meal that felt sort of alien to Louis. Drinking. Takeaway. That he understood. Those were the things he was used to. But this dinner thing— that was new. 

 

Still, looking at the eager, cheerful expression on Harry’s face made it impossible not to go along with his wishes. He figured that he would just have to follow Harry’s lead and try to enjoy himself at least a tiny fraction of the amount that Harry insisted he would.

 

 

***

 

‘Hello, my lovelies,’ Sophia smiled warmly at a them, before taking turns to embrace each one of them in a hug, placing a quick little kiss on each of their cheeks.

 

‘Hi,’ Louis managed to mumble in response. He was a bit surprised at the sudden physical contact, this show of familiarity that he didn’t expect, but tried not to look too stricken.

 

‘Wow, you look great Soph!’ Harry said with an appreciative nod, examining her outfit top to bottom.

 

‘Aw, thanks Haz,’ the girl replied, clearly overjoyed at the compliment, making a show of doing a little twirl to show off the entirety of her dress. And it truly was a beautiful dress. Just as the last time that Louis had seen her, Sophia looked more fit for a movie premiere than for a dinner or night out with friends. There was this feeling of glamour about her that made the simple, yet expensive-looking, tight red dress look like something out of the pages of a fashion magazine.

 

‘I only just managed to get changed, you know,’ she said with a sigh, ‘we’ve been cooking all day!’

 

‘Oh no!’ Harry exclaimed concerned, ‘you should’ve told us to come down earlier and help out!’

 

She just rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.

 

‘Don’t be silly, Harry. Your job was dessert and, from what I can see in your hand, you did your job, so shhh.’

 

Harry did, indeed, have a few boxes under one of his arms, which were pretty heavy, filled with a variety of Christmas desserts. Gingerbread, fruit cake, mince pies — the whole lot! He made a request at a nice bakery near their flat weeks ago, so that all of the things were ready and delicious and about a hundred times better than he could ever make himself.

 

‘Just go into the living room, and I’ll take these.’ Sophia said authoritatively, stretching her arms in front of her to accept the boxes.

 

‘You sure you don’t need any help?’ Harry still hesitated.

 

‘No Harry, we don’t. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, okay?’ she said, raising her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for him to hand over the boxes.

 

‘Okay,’ Harry replied, still not completely convinced, but knowing that there was no point arguing with Sophia. It was her dinner party after all.

 

Harry took Louis’ hand in his, giving it a little reassuring squeeze as he lead him into the living room, noticing that Louis was still a tad bit nervous about the whole thing.

 

The place was decorated with excessive amounts of christmas lights and tinsel, air saturated with the strong smell of apple and cinnamon scented candles. The whole place felt overwhelmingly hot to Louis as he walked into the living room, reluctantly shuffling out of his jacket to reveal the big smiling reindeer that occupied most of his torso. He felt his cheeks burn hotly, once the jumper was completely exposed.

 

It was as Niall and Liam came into the room from the kitchen, drinks in hand, that Louis realised that something was off.

 

‘Hey guys,’ Harry said, walking up and embracing each in a tight hug. Apparently the holiday spirit filled everyone with the need to express their affection towards one another — or maybe it was the drinks that everyone already present seemed to have gotten quite far into.

 

Not too eagerly, Louis conformed to this phenomenon, also letting himself be wrapped up in hugs and slapped on the back by the guys as hellos and happy Christmases were exchanged.

 

‘Hey, why are you guys not wearing christmas jumpers?’ He asked as soon as he was free of the guys’ grip on him.

 

‘‘Cause we’re not whipped,’ Liam laughed.

 

‘Oh?’ Louis said a bit thrown, frowning confusedly. 

 

‘Yeah, I can’t believe he got you to wear that thing.’ Niall chuckled.

 

‘Ugh, don’t listen to them, Lou. They’re just a couple of Grinches who don’t know how to have fun, that’s why they’re dressed so boring and un-Christmassy.’ Harry said, feigning disapproval.

 

‘Un-Christmassy ain’t even a word, smartass,’ Liam retorted, swaying slightly — most likely courtesy of the cider in his hand, ‘thought you’d know that, considering how obsessed you are with the season and all.’

 

‘“Ain’t” isn’t actually a proper word either, dickhead.’ Harry replied with an eye roll, nudging Liam’s shoulder jokingly.

 

‘Lets get a drink, eh?’ Louis cut in suddenly, clearing his throat, latching his hand tightly onto the sleeve of Harry’s ridiculous Christmas jumper and dragging him away harshly. He didn’t find the situation at all funny.

 

‘You fucking lied to me. No one else is actually gonna be wearing christmas jumpers, are they?’ Louis hissed into Harry’s ear once they were out of hearing range of the other two. Harry didn’t disagree, so he took that as confirmation of his suspicions, ‘this is so _embarrassing_.’

 

‘Oh, don’t be like that. It’s not embarrassing at all. It’s cute.’ Harry chuckled, not looking the least bit remorseful.

 

‘Cute is embarrassing though. I hate being called cute.’ Louis frowned.

 

‘You call _me_ cute all the time.’ Harry countered.

 

‘Yeah, but you actually _are_ cute.’ Louis rolled his eyes, ‘You’ve got all that, cherub hair, charming smile, deep as fuck dimples thing going on.’

 

‘And you’re all rough and ragged and too cool to be called cute, right?’ Harry raised his eyebrow, amused. ‘Look, just relax. It’s not that big of a deal. Last year Niall came in a full elf outfit — I’m talking striped tights and elf ears and pointy shoes and everything — this is just a fun dinner with friends. And it’s Christmas. If there is ever a time to dress silly and cheesy, it’s now.’

 

Louis slouched, crossing his arms over his chest, sulking for a moment, but it was clear that Harry had won the argument. Of course he did. 

 

‘How about I go to the kitchen and get us drinks, and you can chat with those two wankers,’ he said, intentionally raising his voice, so that he could be heard in the other room.

 

‘Oi,’ Niall immediately shouted back, as if summoned by the swear word, ‘who you calling a wanker, you curly headed cunt?’ 

 

Harry laughed, laying a hand softly on Louis shoulder, saying a much softer, more reassuring, tone, ‘just go and have fun. Relax.’ before walking away into the kitchen.

 

Louis sighed and slowly made his way back into the living room.

 

 

***

 

‘Jesus Christ, Harry. It’s not that funny.’ Louis said, raising an eyebrow judgementally. He looked from the little piece of paper with the Christmas Cracker joke that he was holding between his fingers to Harry, who was currently convulsing with giggles, eyes watering from laughter. ‘Like, at all.’

 

Harry, quite unsurprisingly, had found every awful, cheesy, Christmas-themed one liner that came inside the Christmas crackers hilarious, but this one seemed to absolutely throw him into hysterics,most likely because of the person reading it.

 

‘Read it again.’ He managed to say between wheezy laughs.

 

‘Seriously?’ Louis asked but, seeing his boyfriend nodding vigorously, sighed and read, ‘ _Who is Santa's favourite singer? Elf-is Presley_!’

 

‘I love it.’ Harry said, wiping away a tear. He seemed to be, finally, to Louis’ relief, calming down from his giggle-attack. Louis shook his head at Harry’s silliness, his lips uncontrollably lifting at the edges into a smitten smile.

 

***

 

As the night progressed, Harry became even more of a giggling mess, and everyone was getting very, very loud. To Louis’ horror Niall and Harry managed to find some sort of Christmas karaoke website and thought it was the best idea in the universe to have a singing competition. The competition didn’t really seem to have any rules, nor did it have any sort of scoring system, except for maybe, who could look the most ridiculous.

 

Harry, having forced everyone to dim the lights so that his light-up atrocity of a Christmas jumper could be on full display, in all it’s glowing glory, was probably slightly in the lead. He shined brighter than the actual Christmas tree for fucks sake.

 

Eleanor was siting next to Louis on the sofa, leaning her head back, eyes half-open, humming along to Will’s awful rendition of ‘Last Christmas’. She was a bit tipsy, but far more level-headed than either of their boyfriends. 

 

‘I love your jumper.’ she chuckled, poking the nose of the massive reindeer on his chest with her long, skinny fingers. It was probably one of the first conversations they have had, just the two of them, because, even though Louis had spent two months living in his brother’s flat by then, he hadn’t really talked to her past exchanging quick greetings.

 

‘Ugh, don’t take the piss. I was tricked into wearing this.’ Louis grumbled unhappily.

 

‘No, i love it!’ Eleanor replied insistently, before smiling softly, ‘you two are so cute.’

 

Harry snapped around to face them, as if he was summoned by the word ‘cute’, just as Niall had by swear words earlier in the night. Selective hearing or something.

 

Louis gave Harry an annoyed look again, but Harry just shrugged with a sneaky smile, before turning back to the screen, doing some ridiculous falsetto ‘harmonies’ to go with Will’s out of tune singing.

 

Once the song ended, Harry skipped over to where they were sitting, dropping himself on the sofa next to Louis.

 

‘Hi,’ he said, giving Louis a quick little peck on the cheek and giggling.

 

Louis, however, looked at him with a slight frown. He made a show of fidgeting with the sleeves of his jumper, before saying, ‘this jumper’s so itchy, I want to take it off.’

 

Harry leaned back, looking slightly offended.

 

‘No,’ he said sternly, waving his finger in an accusatory manner, ‘don’t lie. I know for sure that that is the softest fucking piece of clothing that has graced the earth because I picked it out especially for you. So stop being a little crybaby and wear it. Own it.’

 

‘Ugh.’ Louis scoffed quietly. ‘I hate you.’

 

‘Aren’t they cute?’ He heard Eleanor say to Will in passing and Louis frowned again, face turning into an annoyed squirm.

 

There was a moment when Harry’s face genuinely hesitated and fell a bit.

 

‘Does it really bother you that much?’ he asked with a small frown and unsure eyes.

 

Noticing the change in Harry’s expression, Louis instantly felt bad. This was not what he intended to achieve. Not this little sad, heartbroken expression. No. Shit.

 

‘No. No, don’t worry about it.’ He said quickly, trying to comfort his seemingly hurt boyfriend. ‘I just like to complain. You know me.’

 

‘Oh, okay.’ Harry’s lips turned back into a smile, looking relieved. He spoke more excitedly again, leaning in closer to Louis chest, resting his face against the, indeed, soft material of the jumper, ’It’s just that— I love Christmas, as you can probably tell by now, and I just really want to experience it with you, you know. So, I really do appreciate you going along with it— even if you complain about it constantly.’

 

‘So, this is, like, genuinely really important to you?’ Louis asked, contemplating it more.

 

‘Yeah, I guess. I just love the whole holiday season. I’m a sucker for Christmas songs as well, you know?’ Harry smiled widely.

 

Louis chuckled at the silly, content expression on his boyfriend’s face. 

 

‘Yeah, I really, really do, Harry.’ he replied, trying to keep his smirk from turning into a wide, fond grin. ‘I guess I’ll just have to suffer through it.’

 

He failed, instead smiling widely and running his fingers slowly through Harry’s curls, the boy leaning into the touch.

 

It was a strange feeling for Louis, the way that just being near Harry, experiencing him, spread so much warmth through his whole body. He didn’t feel like mocking him at all anymore, like he might’ve with other people, because it felt so good to see Harry so genuinely interested in something and excited about it — and wanting _him_ there by his side to experience it. That was— moving. He never felt so welcomed into another person’s life, so involved.

 

****

 

A couple hours later, after everyone had calmed down and said there goodbyes, Louis and Harry were heading home, their shoes making sloshing noises on the wet pavement. The bus they took only took them halfway and Harry insisted on taking a walk the rest of the way, instead of waiting for a different bus that would take them closer to home. Louis, finding him absolutely charming with his pink cheeks and giddy grin, obliged, of course.

 

They walked hand in hand, Harry swaying their arms and occasionally deciding that he wanted to skip for a while, because it’s Christmas and everyone should be happy. Louis rolled his eyes at the silliness, but, being pleasantly drunk himself, didn’t fight him.

 

‘I’m so glad I have you,’ he said and, when Harry giggled sweetly in response, he continued, ‘you’ve changed my life so much already, you know? This is the best Christmas I’ve had in years and it’s all thanks to you.’

 

‘Is someone getting infected with the Christmas spirit then?’ Harry smirked, looking really pleased with himself.

 

Louis sighed, face falling.

 

‘Sorry if I’ve been a bit of a downer. It’s just that I think Christmas for me was never like Christmas is for you— that must be why I’m so cynical. I haven’t done anything remotely Christmassy for years. Last year, we actually missed it completely, we just drank and smoked through it, like we did through most other days. I just— I’ve not had anything like this for ages. This has always been a bit of a miserable time for me. Being surrounded by people who didn’t care around me, and then see people who actually celebrated everything outside, out of reach. And no one really cared about me, or my birthdays. Best I ever got was a couple drinks or some free weed. It’s just one of them things I’m missing out on. I’m only realising how much that is now. I’m only now, now that I’ve been living with you guys, seeing what life can actually be like and sometimes I just feel so bitter and depressed about how things were over the past years.’

 

‘Oh Lou,’ Harry said, slowing down and turning to face Louis, now holding both of his hands in his own.

 

‘The thing is, it doesn’t seem like it’s actually gonna change much. You will go to see your family, while I’ll have to stay behind alone again. I mean, my family doesn’t even know I’m back in the country,’ He exhaled a heavy breath, looking away, ‘and even if they did, they would most likely not want me there.’

 

‘No.’ Harry said, frowning disapprovingly, ‘that is so not what you deserve. You shouldn’t be alone. I won’t allow it.’

 

‘Well, there’s not much I can do—’

 

‘You’ll come with me.’ Harry interrupted decisively.

 

‘Harry, don’t be silly.’ 

 

‘I’ll call my mum to tell her and she will be, like, super happy and stuff. She likes guests and I like you and she will be thrilled.’ Harry replied, brightening with every word.

 

‘No, Harry, that’s too much to ask of your family. They don’t even know me at all—‘

 

‘NONSENSE! I’ll call her right now.’ Harry said dramatically, starting to search for his phone by tapping all of his pockets.

 

‘Harry, it’s 1am.’ Louis, shaking his head with a small laugh.

 

‘Oh. Okay. I’ll call her tomorrow then.’ Harry said, his voice shrinking into a calmer, slightly defeatedtone.

 

 

***

 

 

‘Louis! Louis! Louis!’ Harry chanted cheerfully, jumping up and down on the bed like a little child.

 

‘Wahh?’ Louis made a confused, startled noise, trying to lift himself upright but struggling because a) he was still mostly asleep and exhausted and b) the bed was shaking too much from Harry’s jumps for him to be able to push himself up.

 

‘Louuuis,’ Harry said more quietly, laughter still in his voice. He dropped himself on the bed next to Louis and propped himself up on his elbow, ‘Guess what?’

 

‘You’re the worst person on earth?’ Louis grunted in response, pulling a pillow over his head.

 

‘Nope.’

 

‘Then what?’

 

‘I just called my mum and she said she’d love for you to come to ours for Christmas,’ Harry said, ‘just like I told you she would.’

 

‘What?’ Louis turned to look at him with surprise, ‘are you sure? It’s such short notice. I feel bad and I—‘

 

Harry put his index finger on Louis’ lips, shushing him.

 

‘Stop worrying. You’re coming.’ 

 

 

***

 

 

A few hours later, once Louis had fully woken up and accepted that he would be spending the holidays — his first Christmas holidays in several years — with the whole Styles family, he started freaking out. He tried paying attention to Harry describing what Christmases usually look like at his house, but his whole mind was a bit of a nervous mess.

 

‘Well, what should I take though?’ he asked, pacing, ‘everything I own is all black and scary and clearly, from what I’ve seen from you, I’m guessing your family is all shiny-happy people who love Christmas and joy and I don’t even know—‘

 

‘Well, I’m not sure about all this happy-shiny people, I mean, my parents _did_ get divorced.’ Harry replied calmly.

 

‘Oh, shit, sorry.’ Louis stopped in his tracks, running a hand through his hair nervously, ‘see, I say stupid shit without thinking. I’m a mess. What were we even thinking? I make an awful first impression. Remember when _you_ met me? You hated me.’

 

Harry paused for a moment.

 

‘Well, I didn’t _hate_ you—‘ He said, resulting in Louis raising his eyebrow at him, ‘I mean, okay, I did find you really irritating. And mean.’

 

Louis groaned, ‘See! I’m awful around people!’

 

Harry sighed, leaning forward to catch hold of Louis’ hands in his own, ‘you’re gonna be fine. I promise.’

 

‘Right,’ Louis scoffed.

 

‘You will,’ Harry said softly, but decisively.

 

‘I should probably get like a haircut or something though, right?’ Louis asked, completely ignoring Harry. He ran his fingers through his hair with a frown, ‘fuck, I’m a mess.’

 

‘Listen, I don’t think they will care what you look like. You need to relax.’ Harry rolled his eyes, leaning back on the couch.

 

‘Stop telling me to relax.’ 

 

‘Well stop stressing then.’

 

‘WELL THAT’S EASIER SAID THAN DONE HARRY.’ Louis snapped, waving his arms dramatically.

 

‘What’s easier said than done?’ Will asked curiously, coming into the room. 

 

‘Making myself presentable enough to see Harry’s family.’ Louis responded, dropping his shoulders and looking at his brother distraught.

 

‘Oh,’ Will said ‘So you’re going to Harry’s for Christmas?’

 

‘That’s the plan.’ Louis nodded, ‘Why?’

 

‘Well, I was just talking to mum on the phone, actually. She was asking me when I’m gonna get to Donny, so they could pick me up from the station—‘

 

‘And?’ Louis prompted.

 

‘I was just thinking how stupid it is that you’re not coming. I mean, I think you should be.’ 

 

‘You think I should come home?’ Louis asked with a questioning frown.

 

‘Yeah, I do actually. I know I said that you should stay away from all of them,’ he squirmed at the memory, ‘but I was wrong. It’s unfair to you and unfair to them and, to be honest, it would be ridiculous for you to be so close by and not visit them.’

 

‘And you talked about that with mum? You told her I’m here?’ he asked, frown deepening.

 

‘No, not yet. I just— I wanted to check with you first, so that I wouldn’t bring their hopes up, in case you didn’t come.’

 

Louis hesitated, looking from Harry to Will. Harry could see how torn and confused he looked. He could already tell that, even though he looked so unsure and worried on the outside, Louis had already made a decision in his mind — he wanted to see his family and Harry understood that.

 

‘You think they would want me back?’ Louis asked with pained hopefulness in his eyes.

 

‘Louis, they wanted you back ever since you left.’ Will replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

 

Louis dropped his head and, avoiding their gazes, tried to fight the tears that were welling up in his eyes. Harry walked up to him, instantly wrapping his arm around his shoulder and bringing him closer. He knew how important this moment was, remembering the first time that Louis had talked with him about his family. He remembered how hurt he was. 

 

 

_‘I’ve fucked a lot of things up, you know. Even when I was younger, I was really shit at almost everything— but I was good with them. With my sisters. People didn’t like me. Didn't get me. Everyone saw me as Will’s brother, you know. The other one. But not my sisters. They were the only ones who just saw me as me. It felt like they were the only ones who genuinely liked me,’ he laughed dryly. ‘I was a good brother, it was the one good thing about me and now— I didn’t even fucking know I had another little sister and brother! One thing I was actually good at and I went and fucked that up too.’_

 

_‘I miss them.’ He said almost inaudibly. ‘And I can’t see them. Will’s right, I can’t see them.’_

 

_Harry frowned, not really understanding, ‘Why not? They must miss you too. Why can’t you go and see them? Meet the little ones?’_

 

_‘I can’t go to them like this.’ He said, gesturing to himself. ‘I can’t go to them the way I am now. I am— I don’t want them to see me like this. I’m not ready to see them. I can’t see them because I need to be better— I need to be better because the thought of them seeing me in the state I am— it’s mortifying. They can’t see me like this, so I can’t just go and see them. I’m not ready. It’s like I’m nothing. Waste of space, I’ve been told. And they deserve_ something _.’_

 

_He just looked so defeated, like someone condemned, destroyed._

 

_‘I hate this.’ Louis said in a low, cutting tone. He shook his head, eyes resentful. ‘Everything is so fucked. How did I even get to this point? The a point where I didn’t even know that I have two fucking baby siblings? They haven’t even seen me, they probably don’t know I exist. Fuck.’_

 

_He clenched his fists so tight that his arms began to shake._

 

_‘How did I even get here?’ the words were a nearly nonexistent whisper._

 

 

Back then, talking about his family, Louis looked so closed in on himself, weak, heartbroken. Harry remembered that the way Louis spoke of himself made him feel sick, because he didn’t think that Louis deserved to be spoken of in that way — no one did. He _was_ something. And now, seeing him seriously consider going back home, feeling like he was ready to see his family, made Harry think that Louis was finally believing that.

 

So, even though he was feeling disappointed not to be spending Christmas with Louis, he had to be happy too. For him.

 

 

***

 

 

Louis really did end up leaving the house to get a haircut and Harry thought it was cute how nervous he was about looking good. Acceptable.

 

Harry was in the middle of packing his bag for his trip home for Christmas when Louis came back and he sure did look good. 

 

‘Hello Handsome,’ Harry laughed, pulling him closer. Louis’ hair was shorter, but he still had a fringe covering his forehead and sweeping to the right. Harry ran his fingers through it softly, trying not to mess it up, before moving back and examining Louis again from a distance. ‘Really hot.’

 

Louis chuckled in what seemed like a slightly nervous way.

 

‘Do you wanna dance around to Christmas songs while I pack?’ Harry offered with a bright smile, turning up the music playing from his laptop. ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ was playing.

 

Louis cleared his throat awkwardly, before saying, ‘actually, I’m gonna go to the living room for a while. I’ve got something to do.’

 

‘Oh, okay,’ Harry said, frowning slightly. It was less than sixteen hours until his mother was going to get there to pick him up an he expected Louis to stay with him for as much of that time as was possible. He thought he was probably being a bit overdramatic, but it hurt Harry a bit, because he would’ve thought that Louis would like to spend every minute of the time they had left together. That’s what he wanted to do.

 

‘I’ll talk to you later then,’ Louis said, spinning around and leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

 

Harry’s mood had definitely fallen considerably and even the Christmas songs weren’t doing much to cheer him up.

 

About half an hour later, Louis knocked on the door, coming in before Harry even got the chance to answer.

 

‘Hey,’ he smiled, then bit down on his lip anxiously.

 

‘Hey,’ Harry replied, but it sounded more like a question.

 

‘Do you have a minute? I sorta wanna show you something.’ 

 

‘Okay,’ Harry said, dropping the t-shirt he was holding onto the bed and following Louis into the living room, intrigued.

 

‘Just, um,’ Louis started, ‘sit down, anywhere.’

 

Harry did.

 

Louis then picked up an acoustic guitar from beside the sofa, one that Harry recognised as Niall’s, and sat down nervously. That made Harry immediately perk up, staring excitedly.

 

‘So, this is one of my songs.’ Louis said, while Harry freaked out internally. 

 

Louis looked at his left hand, starting with some chords which sounded pretty solemn at first. He began singing and Harry’s heart could’ve melted completely at the sound of his voice, which he hasn’t heard since that first time when he had forced him to sing ‘Toxic’ during karaoke with the help of hella loads of tequila.

 

_I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen_

_And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing_

 

Harry’s mouth fell open slightly as he listened to the song intently. The lines sounded so sad, but the song wasn’t just about pain, Harry quickly realised. It was about overcoming it.

 

_I was stumbling, looking in the dark_

_With an empty heart_

_but I no longer feel alone,_

_you make this feel like home_

 

_so If it’s all the same,_

_I’d always rather be,_

_next to you_

 

_and if the light is gone,_

_and it’s been gone so long,_

_I’d always rather be,_

_next to you_

 

_and if you call my name,_

_I will always be, right_

_next to you_

 

_and now I have a home,_

_that i’ve been looking for so long,_

_and it will always be, right_

_next to you_

 

 

Harry was completely speechless. Was all of that really about him? Was that really how Louis felt?

 

Louis cleared his throat nervously.

 

‘So?’

 

‘I love it. It’s beautiful. I— I don’t even know what to say.’ the words rushed out of Harry’s mouth.

 

‘Really?’

 

‘Yes, if I could only listen to one song for the rest of my life, this would be it.’ Harry said, nodding excitedly.

 

‘Oh yeah?’ Louis chuckled, ‘you sure you wouldn’t miss all your Christmas songs too much?’

 

‘It’s a sacrifice I would be willing to make.’ he grinned in response, before getting up and wrapping Louis up into a hug as best as he could with the guitar in the way, ‘Thank you for letting me listen to that.’

 

After a few seconds, Harry pulled away and cheered, ‘I HAVE GIFTS FOR YOU TOO, I was gonna give them tomorrow, but since we’re here now, I’ll go get them.’ 

 

Harry came back in with what seemed like quite a large bag, which he was poorly concealing behind himself, before dropping it behind the sofa, out of Louis’ view. He sat down excitedly, voice fast and a mixture of giddy and nervous, while Louis just stared at him with wide eyes.

 

‘So, first I thought I would get you something music-related but also useful, so I thought some guitar picks, but then Niall told me that guitar players lose guitar picks like girls lose hair grips, so if I wanted something personal, I should go for something else, so I got you this.’ he leaned over the edge of the sofa and took out a small bag with something small wrapped in tissue paper inside it. 

 

At first Louis was confused, trying to figure out what could be in such a tiny package, but once he unwrapped it and got a chance to have a proper look, he realised that it was a guitar pick attached to a silver chain. A necklace. Upon closer discovery, he noticed that some words were engraved onto it. 

 

‘Always in my heart’ Louis read. Then he looked to Harry with a raised eyebrow, ‘could you get any cheesier?’

 

‘I just thought that this way, you’d have something to remind you that wherever you are, you’re not alone. I don’t know.’ He ran his fingers through his hair, shrugging shyly, ‘You’re right. It’s probably too cheesy. You don’t have to wear it.’

 

‘No, I like it.’ Louis smiled, ‘you sappy shit.’

 

‘Heyyyy, I’m not the one writing love songs for people.’

 

‘Touché.’ Louis chuckled, cheeks pink and biting down his lip. It was a very pleasant sort of embarrassed.

 

‘Anyway, I also got you a some normal guitar picks, because I figured I might as well. I mean, they are useful after all.’ he said pulling out another little box out of his big bag.

 

‘Okay, thanks.’ Louis said, nodding along as he accepted the gift into his hand.

 

Harry turned away again, getting another object from the poorly disguised bag.

 

‘Oh and I got you these. I know this worn-out and messed up thing might be your style, but I’m starting to worry about your health, walking in those shoes you have,’ Harry said, pulling out a cardboard shoe box with the word ‘Vans’ written on it. ‘So, these are for you.’

 

Louis took it hesitating slightly, not knowing what to do.

 

‘Oh my god Harry, this is too much.’ 

 

‘Well, it’s your birthday _and_ christmas, so you deserve more gifts!’ Harry grinned excitedly.

 

‘Yeah, well, if that’s the case, what did you get Will? Is he getting a fuckton of gifts too?’ Louis challenged, eyebrows raised.

 

‘Uhmm, I actually got him some anti fungal foot spray and foot deodorant.’ Harry chuckled, ‘we always get each other stupid gifts like that.’

 

‘No, but now I feel like I went really cheap with that song. This is so much Harry. I have to buy you something else too now.’

 

‘No, no you don’t!’ Harry quickly interrupted, ‘Not at all. I just love giving gifts and I sort of got carried away and if I could I would buy you the whole world, you know?’

 

Louis sat there silently for a moment.

 

‘God you’re so sappy.’ He shook his head, half disapprovingly and half ridiculously enamoured.

 

Harry shrugged, ‘I guess I am.’

 

Louis sighed, but smiled up at him widely.

 

‘Ok, Curly. What else do you have in there?’

 

Harry absolutely beamed at that.

 

‘Okay, and I also got you this.’ he said, pulling out a long tube and sliding it out of it’s plastic protector. It rolled open, revealing an A2 sized ‘Dookie' poster. ‘It would’ve been even better if I could get it signed or something, but I just don’t have that sort of pull in the industry, you know?’ he joked nervously.

 

‘Oh my god Harry, this is so cool. I love it!’ Louis said, ‘Just one problem—‘

 

Harry looked a bit worried for a second.

 

‘I sort of don’t have a wall to put it on, you know, this being my room and all.’ he said gesturingto the living room around them.

 

‘We’ll just put it in my room,’ Harry shrugged.

 

‘Well, Harold! Are you asking me to move in with you?’ Louis joked.

 

‘Um, yeah, I guess.’ Harry laughed softly, running a hand through his curls, ‘I mean, you’ve been moved in for ages, really, but yeah. Also, I _might_ have given away your spot on the couch.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘I sort of told Niall he can come over any time and sleep on the couch if he wanted to.’ Harry said, looking at Louis apologetically.

 

‘So you’re just giving away my room? Just like that?’ Louis said, pretending to be outraged.

 

‘Oh shut up.’ Harry rolled his eyes at the performance.

 

‘Don’t worry, I’m just playing.’ Louis laughed. ’So, the little goblin will be here all the time now?’

 

Harry sighed, then laughed, ‘Yeah, probably.’

 

‘Can’t believe that it’s even possible for him to be around here more than he already is.’

 

‘Well, he’s not getting along with his housemates, what was I supposed to say?’

 

Louis took hold of Harry’s wrist, pulling him down onto his lap. He ruffled his hair, chuckling, ‘you’re so cute, Curly.’

 

But, even then, Harry was unable to sit completely still.

 

‘There’s more isn’t there?’ Louis asked, raising his eyebrow, already knowing the answer.

 

Harry nodded, hopping off of Louis’ lap.

 

‘Okay, so this one is a Christmas one. I think it reflects your feelings towards the season more accurately than the reindeer.’ Harry said, handing a bag to Louis.

 

Louis slowly pulled out a black jumper with the Grinch on it.

 

‘Ha. Ha. You’re so funny,’ Louis rolled his eyes, ‘but, you know what? It actually looks sick. I might even wear it.’

 

‘I think it will look great on you.’ Harry laughed happily.

 

‘Well, in that case, I’ll put it on right now.’ Louis said, unzipping his hoodie and chucking it on the arm chair, then putting the jumper on. ‘do you like it?’

 

‘Love it.’ Harry said, looking at Louis fondly.

 

‘This is the last one, right?’ 

 

‘Yeah. It is.’ Harry smiled, looking content.

 

‘Good. You’ve really gone a bit present crazy, haven’t you?’

 

Harry shrugged, ‘What can I say? I guess I just thought that it would make this Christmas a bit more special for you.’

 

Louis watched him for a moment, his bright, dimpled face, and felt incredibly overwhelmed — in the best way. 

 

‘Thank you, Harry.’ he smiled, soft and genuine, ‘You really are amazing, you know.’

 

Harry grinned at the compliment, ‘So are you.’

 

‘Yeah, right.’ Louis laughed flatly. Seeing that Harry was about to argue that he was, he pulled him into a kiss to stop him. Harry laughed into his mouth in surprise.

 

‘I need to get back to packing.’ Harry said once they broke apart. 

 

He was almost out of the room, when he turned around.

 

‘You know, since I’m already moving stuff around and packing, maybe we could make some space for your stuff. You know, rearrange things and stuff.’ 

 

‘Yeah, wait a sec, I’ll be right there. I’ll just put away Niall’s guitar. I had to swear on my life not to hurt it. He actually said _hurt_ it, as if it was a person, so—‘

 

‘Okay, see you in a sec,’ Harry smiled, walking away.

 

 

***

 

 

Instead of organising things, it seemed that over the next couple of hours the two have just made more and more of a mess in Harry’s room.

 

‘Do you know where my ACDC shirt is?’ Louis asked, digging through his duffel bag, halfway through the process of folding and putting away his t-shirts into the drawer that Harry had cleared out for him.

 

Harry, instead of answering, tried putting on an innocent face and pretending like he hadn’t heard anything.

 

Louis snorted, ‘maybe i shouldn’t feel so bad for not getting you gifts, since you steal all my stuff constantly anyway’ 

 

‘Hey, sharing is caring.’ Harry grinned, the mischievous and not at all innocent look still on his face.

 

‘Yeah, whatever, you thief.’ Louis said, taking out a different shirt to fold.

 

Then, suddenly, he was hit with a ball of bunched up material.

 

‘There you go,’ Harry laughed, having thrown the t-shirt in question at the unprepared Louis.

 

Louis turned around slowly, glaring, ‘How dare you?’

 

Which started a very disruptive play-fight, clothes flying all over the room, which definitely did nothing to speed up the packing process. In fact, the two ended up staying up all night, as they packed and rearranged stuff, spending exactly ten minutes in bed before the sound of the doorbell startled them awake.

 

‘Why did your mum feel the need to come here so early?’ Louis groaned into his pillow.

 

‘Ughh,’ Harry replied, forcing himself upwards. He grabbed and put on the closest t-shirt and jeans he could find and rushed to the door.

 

‘Hi mum,’ he said, his voice a bit raspy. His mother took in his appearance with some surprise, her son looking extremely disheveled, with hair pointing in all different directions and t-shirt not only inside out, but also back to front.

 

‘Hi hun,’ she said, deciding not to enquire about why her son looked such a mess. At least both of the boys were wearing clothes, she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, hope you liked this, even though it was horribly late. I still can't believe people actually WAIT to read my stuff. Just so you know, comments asking about when I'm uploading next are really helpful at motivating me :)
> 
> As to the actual content, as I said, the next chapter is also a Christmas/New Year's one. The one after that might be the last one, just preparing you guys.
> 
> As always, please feel free to talk to me on any social media!! I'm called annanotesxo on everything (twitter, tumblr, insta).
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! <3 <3


	14. PRESENTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD. Turns out I can’t add for shit. I’ve said that Louis was gone for over three years… well, it’s actually closer to four and a half… I… how. 
> 
> ANYWAY, this is a bit emotional… just warning y’all. Also, it seems like this holiday season will never end, because I had to separate this chapter up AGAIN because it was getting too long AGAIN. 
> 
> Hope you like it :) xo

Meeting Harry’s mum wasn’t quite as bad as Louis had expected. Sure, there was initial awkwardness, because it was really obvious to everyone that she assumed that he and Harry must have been up all night doing the nasty, even thought no one addressed it, but she didn’t seem to hate _him_ , so he considered that a success. In fact, according to Harry himself, she apparently quite liked him. Louis didn’t know if he believed that though; grown ups didn’t tend to like him, they tended to cross the street when they saw him and his friends, actually.

 

‘It’s been great to meet you, Louis,’ Harry’s mum said, squeezing his shoulder gently, in a friendly way, ‘We would’ve loved to have you spend the holidays with us, just so you know, but I’m really glad that you will be able to see your family again. Harry had said that you’ve not seen them in a while.’

 

Louis wondered exactly how much Harry had told his mother and it made him slightly nervous. 

 

‘Thank you, I really appreciated the offer,’ Louis said with a polite smile, ‘and I’ve missed them a lot, so it is a pretty big deal to me, yes. Thank you so much, though. Again.’

 

‘It’s all right, Louis. Some other time. I hope you have fun back at home.’ she replied, finally letting go of his arm.

 

Harry cleared his throat, hovering next to them with his arms crossed impatiently. They’ve been standing around, about to leave, for a while now. 

 

‘Okay then,’ his mum smiled, catching his expectant expression, ‘I’ll just give you guys a moment, then.’

 

Harry walked up to Louis slowly, catching hold of one of his hands and squeezing it lightly.

 

‘I’m going to miss you.’ he said quietly, biting down on his lip lightly.

 

‘I know, me too.’ Louis sighed sadly. He pulled Harry closer by his hand, wrapping his other arm around his boyfriend’s shoulder. He kissed his neck lightly. Then his cheek. Then he lifted his head and looked into his eyes for a few seconds,there was something finite in that look, both knowing that they had to break apart soon. Then he kissed his lips softly.

 

Then the door behind them opened quite loudly.

 

‘Oh, hey,’ Will said, noticing them, but not seeming at all bothered by the fact that they were laced together, clearly having a moment.  ‘Louis, get dressed, we need to go shopping!’

 

‘Shopping?’

 

‘Yeah. Shopping. Presents. Our little herd of siblings. Any of that sound at all familiar?’ Will said with urgency in his tone.

 

‘Oh’ Louis said, his lips pulling together slightly in confusion, ‘I guess, I’m going shopping.’

 

‘Okay,’ Harry nodded, ‘then I guess, I should get going now.’

 

Just as Harry was about to turn and leave, Louis caught his face between his hands, holding it softly, then stepped on his tiptoes and kissed the top of Harry’s head.

 

‘I love you.’ he said, almost a whisper, just between the two of them.

 

‘I love you too.’ Harry smiled, keeping the same volume, adding, ’Happy Christmas.’

 

‘Happy Christmas.’ Louis grinned, letting go.

 

After one last, deep breath, Harry started walking away. He picked up the last of his bags from the floor, and opened the door, fingers still lazily lingering on the handle. He looked back into the flat, or, rather, tried. Instead, what he managed was to turn too awkwardly, hitting himself on the doorframe.

 

Louis barked out a laugh, quickly covering his mouth and trying to calm himself.

 

‘Are you okay?’ he asked, laughter still in his voice.

 

‘Yeah,’ he said, voice a bit strained. He went completely red, but was laughing along too. This was hardly an unexpected occurrence, both knowing exactly how clumsy he could sometimes be. Still, considerably embarrassed, he said, ‘Okay, I better go now.’

 

‘Okay, try and not hurt yourself though.’ Louis laughed. ‘Bye.’

 

‘Bye,’ Harry grunted back, rubbing his forehead slightly.

 

Then the door closed.

 

‘Come on lovebird, we need to get going!’ Will yelled from his room. ‘If we don’t get everything done today, we’re gonna have to go again tomorrow!’

 

***

 

There’s a lot that Louis had learned during the rest of the day, speed walking through shops, as if they were on some sort of mission. Which, according to Will, was exactly what they were on. 

 

‘We’re not gonna do that walking around at a snail’s pace, looking around, tilting our head to the side, having whole inward conversations with ourselves about whether this gift is the perfect one or whether it will go straight to the ‘return’ pile, yeah? That’s not what’s gonna go down.’ he said, pacing out of the flat and onto the street, Louis, still halfway through putting on his jacket, having to run to catch up.

 

‘Um, okay,’ was all that he managed. 

 

‘Yeah. Good.’ Will said, ‘glad we’re on the same page.’

 

As if Louis would dare disagree with him when he was in that state.

 

‘Okay, I’ve been brainstorming with El all week, well, she was giving me ideas while I tried my best to keep up, but I think I’ve got all the gifts pretty much sorted in my mind, you know?’ Will said. He really did have this straight down to business tone on.

 

‘I completely trust your judgement.’ Louis just replied. To be honest, he doubted he could contribute much. He had been gone for four years, after all. People change a lot in that time, so how could he possibly know what his sisters could want for Christmas if he hasn’t even seen their faces in such a long time? The thought twisted up all of insides. So many times he wanted to talk to his sisters, but never braved it. He hated himself for it, like he did for so many things relating to his family. 

 

‘Good. We’re splitting fifty-fifty, by the way. I think that’s only fair.’ He continued walking and talking at an intense speed, ‘I mean, you must have saved up some money from that job of yours, right? Like, what do you even spend that money on?’

 

‘Well, to be honest, it seems like I spend half of it just to _get_ there, you know? What is it with transport in this city? You’d think the tube seats would be made of gold, the amounts they charge for that underground hell.’ He shook his head, with an exhausted sounding sigh, ‘but, yeah, I can do fifty-fifty, I guess.’

 

‘Why do you even work there then, if it isn'y really that worth it? I mean, it’s only part time as well, right?’ Will asked, more curious than anything. Louis definitely expected the money conversation to come up sooner or later, especially since he _was_ living with them for free and didn’t really buy that much food for them either, but this didn’t seem like a ‘you gotta start paying or you’re out’ sort of talk. It was just a question, it seemed, albeit asked at a ridiculously fast speed while they both marched down the street.

 

‘I mean, I know it might not seem like it’s worth much. I definitely couldn’t support myself, like, living anywhere other than with you guys, but I think it’s not really about money, me working at Rose&Dagger, you know? I just needed something to make me actually get out of the house and that’s what it was. It got me moving.’ Louis explained, realising he didn’t even think that much about it himself before that moment. It wasn’t just a job for him. It was somewhere that he felt like he belonged, where he felt like he wasn’t disappointing anyone. Being there helped him to remember a bit more about who he was, not who people tried making him. It helped.

 

Will nodded, looking straight ahead at the street in front of him.

 

‘Gotta take care of yourself first, before anything else, right?’ he said, even though Louis fully expected him to question him and his thinking further. But Will’s thinking seemed to be going somewhere completely different than he expected.

 

‘Um, yeah, I guess,’ he replied, watching his brother.

 

‘Listen,’ Will said, suddenly slowing down to a stop, ‘you come first, you know that? I just want you to know that I’m not trying to have a go. Don’t worry about a job or money right now, just take care of yourself, you know? I’m not sure you can always tell, I might not have been always showing it, but I just want you to be better, and whatever gets you there, I’m down with. And you really do seem much better now than when you first came back. So, whether it is this job or your music or being with Harry, I will support it all, as long as it makes you happy. Yeah?’ 

 

Louis stared at him a bit stunned. He was not expecting that. It felt so sudden to him, but clearly Will had been thinking about it all for a long time. Maybe the reason that he was staying away a bit was because he thought that whatever was happening, it was improving the way Louis was feeling, and he didn’t want to get in the way of that. Maybe he thought that giving Louis time to sort things out on his own was the most help he could give. After all, Will did have quite a short temper and they both knew that, maybe he just was afraid that he would snap at the wrong time and makes him worse. But this, these words, they meant _everything_. This was the best thing his brother could ever give him.

 

‘Thank you.’ was all Louis managed to say, tears threatening to spill. This felt like one of them moments that defined a relationship. His brother just told him that he cared in exactly the way that he needed to hear it. His brother understood. Quite honestly, his brother really surprised him. Maybe he should feel bad for expecting less of him, of not expecting him to ever be able to understand him or say anything of use to him. But he was wrong, and being wrong never felt like such a relief before. This felt good.

 

Will nodded in acknowledgement, then turned back to speed walking towards the tube station, which slightly worried Louis, because that meant they were probably going on quite a journey that evening.

 

He had learned quite a lot during those few hours. Apparently, Lottie was really into makeup and doing a Beauty course at the local college. Felicity got really into social issues and politics. Really smart, Will says. The twins, Daisy and Phoebe that is, are apparently Marvel trash 2.0, Will being Marvel trash number one, obviously. The little ones, well, they are little, they aren’t too hard to please. 

 

It was all very bittersweet. On one hand, he loved finding out more about his siblings, on the other, he wished he didn’t have to _find out_ , he wished he knew what they were like himself.

 

***

 

It was late when they came back home and Louis, exhausted beyond belief, dropped the bags he was carrying and went straight to bed. He looked through his phone properly, for the first time in hours, reading through all the messages that Harry had sent him. He didn’t feel like he had enough energy to be staring at a screen and typing out replies, so he, without much thought, decided to scroll through his recent calls and tap on Harry's name instead. Plus, he wanted to hear harry’s voice.

 

‘Sorry, I was on a shopping mission with Will and he didn’t allow phone breaks.’ Louis laughed dryly, trying to take his shoe off with one hand, causing it to fly off a couple feet and hit the wall. ‘How was your journey?’

 

‘Too long. Boring. Had too many questions thrown at me by mum.’ Harry sighed on the other side.

 

‘Really? But you guys talk so much.’ Louis said, pulling off his other shoe. 

 

‘I _know_ ,’ Harry groaned, ‘and still it never ends.’

 

‘I don’t envy you.’ Louis said, falling back on the bed. ‘though I’m not even sure if my mother will even want to speak to me.’

 

‘Hm,’ Harry hummed, the mood turning more tense, ‘I think she will— or at least she should. You’re a great person, you know? You bring yourself down all the time, but you are. She will be able to see it, don’t worry. Even if she’s mad at you, I think she will be able to see through it. You are worth forgiving.’

 

Louis was silent for a while.

 

‘You still there?’ Harry asked softly.

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis exhaled slowly, ‘thank you, Harry.’

 

‘No problem, just saying what I think. I’m hopeful and you should be too.’ He said. 

 

Louis so badly wanted to touch him.

 

‘I wish you were here.’ he said without even thinking.

 

‘I know,’ Harry sighed.

 

‘Are we sad or what?’ Louis chuckled, ‘already missing each other.’

 

‘I _know_ ,’ Harry laughed. ‘We’re so embarrassing. We should get a grip.’ 

 

‘Hm,’ Louis said thoughtfully, ‘I mean, we could _try_ to get a grip, but I think it’s pretty hopeless. We’re just gonna be sitting here, brokenhearted, texting each other little love hearts and sad face emojis until we reunite, we might as well accept that.’

 

Both of them laughed before a long silence settled again.

 

‘I love you, you know?’ Louis said quietly.

 

‘Yeah,’ Harry whispered back, ‘I love you too.’

 

‘I think it’s time to say goodnight.’

 

‘Yeah, I think so.’

 

‘Goodnight.’

 

‘Goodnight.’

 

Louis’ phone beeped, signalling that the call was over, his ears starting to ring in the silence of the empty room. It had been a long time since he had a bed to himself, an actual clean, warm bed, and it was so bizarre that that bed was Harry’s and Harry wasn’t there. 

 

But he could last one night, right?

 

 

***

 

Goodmorning texts.

 

Good luck texts.

 

Bored texts.

 

Awful pun texts.

 

There were a lot of texts exchanged between Harry an Louis before he even got out of the house to get on the train with Will.

 

To go home.

 

Will barely spoke to his brother that morning, except for arguing about who should get the window seat — Will won. Louis didn’t know if that was weird or not, but, not expecting much conversation during the journey either, he picked up his phone again and started texting again, chuckling and grinning from time to time.

 

Out of nowhere, Will spoke.

 

Listen, things are a little different at home than you might remember.’ he said, turning to Louis, chewing his lip for a moment before continuing, ‘I know I talked about the girls a bit, but there’s been more going on and I sort of didn’t know how to get around to saying it all.’

 

He sounded serious, so Louis sat up, paying more attention.

 

‘Things were hard after you left, really hard.’ Will said, seeming to hesitate between words.

 

As if they weren’t hard before he left, Louis couldn’t help thinking bitterly, but kept listening without making a comment. He was being harsh, he knew that. He knew that he wasn’t without fault.

 

‘I don’t know how much Harry has told you, truthfully, he doesn’t actually know the whole story. He doesn’t really know much at all. When we first met, I just told him that my parents divorced and he didn’t ask many questions, because he knew what that was like— how complicated and difficult it could get, since his parents got divorced too. We both sort of agreed on not asking about it too much, an 'if you want to tell me, do, but if you don’t, you don’t have to' sort of thing, you know? Harry’s not much of an intruding person, so he just dropped the issue.’

 

‘Not that intruding? He literally made up a drinking game just to interrogate me.’ Louis scoffed, trying to sound lighthearted, slightly nervous because of the tension. And, well, it was a bit of an exaggeration anyway — Harry asking him a handful of fairly innocent questions was hardly an interrogation.

 

‘Well, I think he was curious, but he knows when to drop the subject when someone wants him to.’ Will replied with a shrug.

 

That was very true, Louis thought. Actually, he probably had never met a more respectful person. Harry was so considerate of others, so lovely. Louis smiled for a moment, thinking about Harry, before Will started speaking again.

 

‘Anyway, when you left, mum was a mess. It was hard. Her and dad kept getting into more and more arguments. She thought you hated her, he thought she should just get over it. It was just— difficult.’

 

This made Louis squirm a bit, a wave of guilt passing through him.

 

’It didn’t take long for dad to leave. He said he’d just had enough of us.’

 

Louis remembered his father already saying something like this after his suicide attempt and depression. 

 

‘He got an opportunity to transfer to Australia and he jumped on that as if he couldn’t be more glad to get away. He didn’t even care when he found out that mum was pregnant again. He said he’d send money, but he doesn’t want to be involved with our family anymore. He just sends us a message on Facebook on our birthdays, that’s where his involvement ends.’ 

 

‘That piece of shit.’ Louis couldn’t help saying.

 

Will just nodded, which was a surprise, because Louis thought that Will, being the golden son and all, would be at least a tiny bit defensive of their father. 

 

Louis cleared his throat uncertainly.

 

‘I get the feeling there’s more.’ he said nervously.

 

Will nodded again, before continuing.

 

‘It’s about mum.’ he sighed sadly, ‘she was in a really dark place after that. She interacted with us less and less and just wanted to be left alone most of the time. She barely left the house. It was— it reminded me so much of what you were like. It was so painful to see her like that.’ He looked down on his hands, frowning, ‘I hoped that maybe once the twins came, she would brighten up again— she loves babies so much. But it seemed to just get worse. It’s like she didn’t even want to interact with them. She said that she didn’t want to fail any more of her children, like she failed you. She felt like everyone was leaving her. You. Dad. She thought that if she got attached to the little ones, then it would just hurt more when she failed them. It seemed completely ridiculous to me, but I guess it’s hard to think logically when you’re in that state — depressed, i mean. They say it runs in families or something, right? That some people just have a predisposition if there is family history of depression?’

 

Louis opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, before his voice actually started working.

 

‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about how me leaving would affect you all. I thought _I_ was the main reason for our parents fighting. I thought I was, you know, the dark sheep of the family or whatever. I thought that you’d all be better off. I’m so sorry.’ he said, quickly, his throat feeling very tight and heart beating uncomfortably.

 

‘No, don’t be. I know, I blamed you for so long, but I understand why you did it. I mean, I won’t pretend to completely get it, but i know that things were hard for you— that was the worst part about it. It felt like I was living through the same thing again. I was scared— I was scared that she would try to kill herself too. You don’t know just how hard that hit me — when you did that — how much it hurt. I was so scared for so long after, not knowing what to do. And when it happened again with mum I just— I just felt like I had to do more, try more, than I had with you. That’s why i stayed with them. Took a gap year. She needed my attention. I was older by then and knew how to deal with that sort of situation more. It was hard and I had to sort of become the adult of the house for a long time, but it was worth it. She’s so much better now, really. It’s incredible. I still call her and worry about her, but just the way she is and acts is so different. You can really tell how much better she is.’ he smiled warmly at the last words.

 

Louis’ eyes were watering, on the verge of overflowing with tears. It was all too much. All this information was causing him such intense pain. He loved his mum. Sure, he was bitter for so long because of how little she did to defend him in front of their father, of how she just went along with what he was saying, but he truly did love her and to hear that she had gone through something similar to him, something that was mostly _caused_ by him, was one of the worst feelings he had ever felt.

 

‘I don’t know what to say.’ his strained voice broke a little between words, ‘I feel so awful. I wasn’t thinking. All I was thinking about was what I felt.’

 

Will was silent for a while, looking like he was trying to figure out what to say next.

 

He took in a deep breath.

 

‘To be honest, I wasn’t even that angry with you — well, not most of the time — I just felt so helpless, you know? To have people around me suffering like that and it sort of felt like an endless circle. I’m really glad you’re back, you know. Just— please don’t leave again like that. That’s what I was most scared of when you came back.’

 

‘I won’t.’ Louis said. ‘I won’t.’

Will only nodded in acknowledgement, neither of them saying much  for the rest of the journey home.

 

…

 

With every step that Louis and Will took towards the house, Louis felt more and more nervous. His heart was beating fast and he was overcome with a level of anxiety that he had not felt for a long while. His conversation with Will only added to his previous nervousness.

 

Will pressed the doorbell. 

 

‘Coming!’ Louis heard from inside. Seconds later, the door swung open, revealing a teenage girl with big blue eyes and long blonde hair. Lottie.

 

‘Louis!’ she cheered, quickly letting go of the door handle and wrapping her arms around his neck.

 

‘Hey, Lotts,’ Louis said with a small smile of relief.

 

His sister jumped back.

 

‘What about me, eh?’ Will joked, walking up to her and giving her a short half hug. She stepped back pretty quickly, with a look of urgency.

 

‘We’re watching “Love Actually” and my fave part is coming up, so—‘ she said, turning around and skipping away into the living room. Just like that. As if none of this was that big of a deal. As if it was just a normal visit from her brothers, as if Louis hadn’t been gone for four years. 

 

Louis stood awkwardly in the doorway, anxious about making another step inside. Impatient, Will pushed him further into the house, closing the door behind them. 

 

Louis just kept fidgeting, his heart beating fast, when a woman, warm and smiling and always looking slightly exhausted because of having to run around and take care of her children, appeared from the direction in which his sister had just disappeared into. 

 

He froze completely. He was waiting. He was waiting for some sort of signal that it’s okay for him to make a move, to get permission to return after what he saw as complete, selfish abandonment of his family. Sure, Lottie seemed to accept his return pretty easily, but she was still a kid, she probably didn’t have as much understanding of what had been going on and just how much of it had been his fault. Maybe she just didn’t realise how much pain he had caused them and, according to everything that he had learned from Will on the way there, things in their family had only recently reached some sort of equilibrium again. His siblings and mother were finally doing okay after years of struggling — struggling because of him. He didn’t want their lives disturbed by him again.

 

So he waited with agonising anxiety.

 

‘Louis,’ his mother said breathlessly, raising her fingers to her lips, a grin hiding behind them. Her eyes were clearly tearing up, widening in surprise, even though she definitely knew that Louis was coming over for Christmas. She didn’t say anything else, just opened her arms widely and that’s all that Louis needed. He didn’t wait another split second before running the few short steps towards his mother and embracing her tightly. He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing into her torso, feeling her warmth spread into his body.

 

‘Mum, I’m so sorry,’ he spoke, words breaking apart halfway through and coming out as a whimper. He let himself cry. There was no point in hiding anything. All he wanted was to be there, around his loved ones and feel like he has a place in his family again. He wanted to be forgiven for all the pain that he had caused them.

 

‘Oh hun,’ his mum replied softly, tightening her arms around him and pulling his head closer to her chest, laying a delicate kiss on his head, ‘it’s alright, I’m so glad you’re back. I love you so much. We all missed you.’

 

Louis let out a short, strained sob.

 

‘I love you too.’ he said, ‘all of you.’

 

‘I know, hun, I know.’ his mother replied, gently stroking his hair with her hand. It was impossibly soothing.

 

’I’m so sorry though, I really am, I messed up so much. I didn’t want to hurt you guys, I just wasn’t thinking.’ his words were coming out as a strained whisper. 

 

‘It’s okay, love. Really. It’s okay. _Please_ , don’t beat yourself up. We’re all just glad you’re back and healthy.’

 

Louis tore himself away from his mother’s chest, where small tears have spilled from his eyes and left tiny little stains on his mother’s blouse. He looked down to her eyes, which were calm and loving, and he could not believe that he stayed away so long. He felt stupid for ever letting something like this — his family, his home — go. 

 

He looked around and saw that Will had left and gone into the living room, letting him and their mum have a moment. He was thankful for that. 

 

‘I missed you all so much, I just couldn’t— I didn’t know how to get back in touch. Part of me thought that you wouldn’t want me back and part of me thought I didn’t deserve it, even if you did.’ He said, looking away.

 

His mum cupped his cheek, turning his face back towards her.

 

‘We all want you here. I promise.’ she smiled, ‘You don’t have to worry about anything like that. I’m just so glad you’re here, and so are your siblings.’

 

Louis nodded slowly,

 

‘I hear I have more of those than when I left,’ he chuckled awkwardly, still nervous, but trying to accept his mother’s words and move past the guilt and anxiety that had buzzed within him since his earlier conversation with Will.

 

‘Yes,’ his mother smiled widely, ‘how about we go inside and meet them? You ready for that?’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis nodded, taking in a big breath. He really was. 

Starting to walk towards the living room, he began feeling less anxiety and more excitement, and that felt really good.

 

But then his mother stopped abruptly, startling him a bit. She grabbed onto Louis’ jacket again, as if she just remembered something or something suddenly caught her attention. She breathed in deeply, her voice turning harsher and higher-pitched, ‘are those cigarettes that I smell on you?’

 

‘Uhm,’ Louis mumbled hesitantly, a different sort of tension spreading through him. This feeling that he hadn’t felt in a while. The feeling of being _in trouble_. 

 

His mother smacked him on the shoulder disapprovingly.

 

‘I can’t believe it! You smoke?’ She said, shaking her head. ‘You silly little—‘

 

Louis froze completely. He found it so bizarre that that would be the thing that she seemed to get most outraged by. He also really hoped that she never found out about any of the other things that he got mixed up in during the past four years. 

 

‘Sorry?’ he said unsure.

 

‘I am _not_ happy, Louis Tomlinson,’ she said in a stern voice, pointing her finger at him disapprovingly. ‘Not happy with you.’

 

She kept shaking her head, tutting, as they headed to the living room. Louis had no clue what had just happened.

 

 

***

 

After dinner, everyone insisted they watch another film and b y the time it finished, everyone had either already dozed off or was on the verge of doing so and everything felt very warm and pleasant. His mum started making his bed on the pull out sofa in the living room and he lay down there, tired and happy. He pulled out his phone, noticing a message from Harry, sent not too long ago.

 

_How’s everything going? (I didn’t want to get in the way by sending 134587562 texts, but I can’t wait anymore, so plz tell me how things are going) <3 xx_

 

Louis smiled at the screen, his heart beating faster as soon as he noticed he got the text.

 

_To Harry:_

_amazing actually. everyone loves the grinch jumper btw. they all insisted we watch it_

 

_From Harry:_

_REALLY?? :D :D That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you! xx_

 

Louis’ smile turned into a full on grin. He couldn’t help it.

 

_To Harry:_

_thanks._

 

He texted, before quickly adding,

 

_i love you and miss you and you’re the best thing that happened to me and i don’t care if that’s cheesy or whatever_

 

This time, there was a longer pause before Harry responded and Louis was getting a bit nervous. Was that a bit too much and out of nowhere? 

 

_From Harry:_

_awh, who knew you were such a softie haha xx_

_I love you too. So much. xx_

_< 3 <3 <3 <3_

 

_To Harry:_

_ugh. god. are we turning into one of them disgusting sappy couples??? i don’t know how i feel about that…_

 

_From Harry:_

_You love it, don’t lie. xx_

 

Right as he was chuckling to himself and rolling his eyes, knowing that, yeah, this feeling inside him right now was amazing and he could never get tired of it, a noise brought him back to reality.

 

He pulled his eyes away from the screen when he heard someone walking into the room. His mother was standing in the doorway, several extra pillows in her arms, which she promised to bring down for him earlier. She stared at him fondly, knowingly, he thought, making him blush. He hid his phone quickly, even though his mother had already noticed it.

 

‘Texting someone special?’ she asked, walking over to him. 

 

Louis looked down, biting down on his lip to hide the uncontrollable smile. Unsuccessfully.

 

His mother chuckled.

 

‘Who is it?’ she asked, sitting down next to him and leaning back on the sofa. She stared at him expectantly and he knew that she was waiting for gossip. It’s been four years since she got to talk to him like that, so Louis figured she deserved some information. She deserved to finally be able to talk to her son.

 

‘Um,’ he started, not knowing how much he should say. Suddenly though, he realised that he wanted to say _everything_. He wanted to talk and talk and talk about the boy he fell in love with and somehow got to love him back. He wanted to talk about how kind and amazing and beautiful he was. He didn’t even know where to start. He didn’t even know if his mother knew that he was—

 

‘Come on, I can see you’re burning to say something,’ she laughed, poking him in the ribs, ‘spill.’

 

‘Um, so there’s this person and—’ Louis hesitated for a moment, before he couldn’t hold it in anymore and the words spilled out of his mouth, ‘I’m in love, mum. Like, ridiculously, hopelessly so. Like, it’s embarrassing. And—’

 

‘And?’ she encouraged, smiling widely.

 

‘And—‘ he hesitated, biting down on his lip, before looking up at his mother with wide, uncertain eyes, ‘I’m in love— _with a boy_.’

 

She watched him for a while, before nodding slowly and putting her hand gently over his, squeezing it reassuringly as if to say ‘it’s okay’. 

 

Then she smiled smiled excitedly, leaning in closer and talking in a hushed voice as if they really were gossiping about someone.

 

‘So, what’s he like? What’s his name?’ she asked with urgency in her tone.

 

Louis stared at her openmouthed for a moment, surprised. Was it really going to be that easy?

 

‘His name is Harry.’ Louis said, blushing again.

 

She nodded along encouragingly.

 

Apparently so.

 

 

***

 

Louis didn’t expect many presents, only giving his family a couple of days' notice before coming back to his childhood home and all. Part of him didn’t want anything from them anyway, just them accepting him back was enough of a gift — the best gift he could ever imagine getting. 

 

He was thinking about all of this, in silence, as Will and he tried wrapping some of the gifts for their siblings and mother — badly, of course — and couldn’t get past the thought of how much he still really owed them, how much more they deserved from him than a couple of books or clothes or make-up sets. Even though Will and his mother told him that they wanted him back, a part of him still felt like he didn’t deserve it.

 

So, he didn’t expect much, he didn’t deserve much.

 

Louis phone started vibrating on the floor next to him. He picked it up, glancing at the screen.

 

‘I’m just gonna get this.’ he said to his brother.

 

‘Harry?’ Will looked at him with a knowing smirk.

 

‘Yup,’ Louis said, lips involuntarily curving into a smile. He walked out of the room, looking around the corridor between rooms to check if there was anyone in there. Everyone seemed to be downstairs though.

 

He tapped to answer, bringing the phone up to his ear.

 

‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,’ Harry sang through the phone, loud and dramatic, ‘happy birthday dear Louis, happy birthday to you.’ 

 

He giggled before saying anything more.

 

‘So, got anything good planned for today?’ Harry asked, smile evident in his voice.

 

‘Not much. Just some dinner. Birthday cake.’ He said, leaning back on a wall and looking down on his crossed feet.

 

‘That sounds nice.’ Harry said, ‘no presents?’

 

‘When our sisters were younger, they used to get really jealous when we got presents two days in a row and they didn’t, so we just started to keep all the presents-giving until Christmas. I guess we just got used to it and it stayed that way even now.’ he explained, smiling.

 

‘Aw,’ Harry laughed, ‘how are your sisters? And little brother?’

 

‘They’re great. Great kids. I, um—‘ he didn’t really know where to go with his words. What did he actually want to say? That he thinks they should hate him, but they don’t seem to? That he left them alone with a mother that was depressed and it was because of _him_? It must’ve been hell for them and it was all his fault. He wanted to scream that, but he didn’t want Harry to know. Maybe one day, but not now. He can’t burst Harry’s bubble of Christmas joy with things like that. That wouldn’t be fair. So, instead, he mumbled, ‘They seem okay.’

 

Harry seemed to sense his change of tone.

 

‘You okay?’

 

‘Yeah, great.’ Louis said, trying to believe it himself. He should be happy, so happy, but the guilt seemed to always be there in the back of his mind. He was so happy, but he didn’t deserve it, he thought. 

 

‘You sure?’ Harry asked softly, ‘you can tell me anything, you know?’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis sighed, he knew Harry meant that. But just because he _could_ tell him, doesn’t mean he should right now. So, he tried to perk up a little and smiled, ‘Thanks for calling. I really appreciate it.’

 

‘Well, obviously I was gonna call.’ Harry laughed, ‘I’d call you all the time, but I’m trying not to be completely embarrassing and pathetic and at least attempt to make it seem like I have a life.’

 

‘Not gonna lie, I’m sort of in the same boat.’ Louis chuckled back, smile returning. ‘But please, go and have fun with your family.’

 

‘Well, you too.’ Harry said.

 

‘Yeah, I’ll try, although right now it looks like I’m mostly stuck with Will, listening to all his football talk as he throws commands at me about how I should be wrapping presents.’

 

‘He sucks at wrapping presents though,’ Harry laughed.

 

‘Yup, so do I,’ Louis replied, ‘but I better get back to it. Thanks for calling again. I love to hear your voice. We could talk later tonight?’

 

‘That would be great. Have fun in the mean time though, birthday boy.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah.’ Louis rolled his eyes, ‘I promise I’ll try.’

 

‘Good.’ Harry said, then sighed, ‘I don’t want to hang up.’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis replied in a whisper, ‘we’ll talk later though.’

 

‘Okay, have a good day then.’ Harry said, before quickly adding, 'Wait as sec, I almost forgot, just wanted to tell you that you’re great.’

 

‘Oh, we’re really still doing that?’ Louis laughed, shaking his head fondly.

 

‘Now and every day that you let me.’

 

Louis grinned. There was a pleasant silence between them for a while, before he spoke again.

 

‘Bye Harry.’

 

‘Bye birthday boy.’

 

 

***

 

When it came to gift giving, things were done a little different at the Tomlinson house. Louis’ mum didn’t like the ‘run down at the crack of morning and dig through everything, making a mess' kid of thing. What she liked, was a the whole family getting together to open the gifts up.

 

So, after a very filling, and very different from the one that Louis had last week with Harry’s and Will’s friends, Christmas dinner, the house was buzzing with excitement and loudly playing Christmas songs. All the hits. 

 

Each year, someone different was chosen to give out the gifts. This year, the honour went to Daisy and Phoebe, who apparently argued about which one should do it until they decided to settle on a compromise and do it together. They both wore glittery Christmas hats and bossed everyone until all were sat in the _exact_ spots on the sofa and chairs spread around the room, that they wanted them to.

 

Louis was a bit nervous.

 

It was all a mixture of ripped wrapping paper, clothes and books and make-up sets and CDs and toys for the little ones, hugs and screams of glee, including a particularly excitable one coming from Lottie when she ripped open an envelope with two tickets to the London Fashion Weekend. Gold ones.

 

Finally, Louis’ name was called, Phoebe handing him a small, roughly wrapped box.

 

He opened it with a curious little frown.

 

‘Um,’ he said with a slightly awkward laugh. In his hands was a box of nicotine patches and a note saying “sort yourself out”. He looked up towards his mum questioningly.

 

‘Wasn’t me.’ she said, laughing, ‘though I can’t say I don’t support the sentiment.’

 

‘It was me, you knob, so that you stop stinking up the flat.’ Will said with a light punch to Louis’ shoulder. 

 

‘Will, language!’ their mother said automatically.

 

‘Um, I don’t know what to say,’ Louis said, ‘Thanks?’

 

‘Just stop with the smoking, our landlord can smell that shit from a mile off.’ Will said with a pointed look.

 

‘Plus, you know, it kills.’ Felicity said, bringing back their attention to everyone else in the room. Ah, there were still plenty of gifts to give out and they were holding people up.

 

‘Yes, please no one start smoking. It’s a horrible habit.’ their mum said sternly.

 

Louis just nodded his head awkwardly, feeling quite a bit uncomfortable. In his crowd, smoking was the least questionable habit that people had.

 

‘This isn’t all though, Louis,’ his mother said, turning to him softly. 

 

Louis looked up at her, raising his eyebrows with some confusion. 

 

‘You guys keep handing things out and I’ll be back in a sec, okay?’ she said, getting up from her chair. ‘Actually, Will, honey, could you help me for a moment?’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Will said, getting up in a beat.

 

Louis still stared at them, a small questioning frown forming. He couldn’t concentrate on anything in the room during the couple of minutes that it took for them to come back. 

 

As soon as they reappeared, his eyes darted towards them.

 

‘You know I put most of your stuff in the attic, to make space for the little ones, so that they could have your room? Well, I actually took this out a couple of days back, but hid it for a while.’ she said, gesturing to what was unmistakably a guitar case in Will’s hand.

 

Louis still stared confusedly, not quite understanding. He had exactly two guitars, one of which he had to sell along with most of his other valuable belongings just to afford a plane back to England. This looked completely unfamiliar.

 

He opened his mouth to ask a question, but his mother spoke before he got a chance.

 

‘This was supposed to be for your eighteenth birthday but—‘

 

But, I never showed up, Louis finished in his mind.

 

‘—anyway, I kept hold of it, obviously. I knew that I will be able to give it to you eventually. So, here it is.’ she said and Will walked up to Louis, handing the case to him with care.

 

‘There you go, mate.’ he said, with a nod.

 

Louis took the thing, his arms feeling suddenly weak and shaky for some reason. He wasn’t prepared for this.

 

He lay the case on is knees, undoing the clasps that held it closed one by one. The action was slow, almost ritualistic.

 

‘Wow,’ he gasped, eyes widening. ‘Mum, this— this is a beautiful guitar. It must’ve cost so much. I—‘

 

His mouth fell open a bit as he stared at the thing. It was a black, shining and new and begging to be played. 

 

‘Do you like it then?’ His mother chuckled at his awed expression, but it was clear that she was also tearing up a bit. She had been waiting to give this to him for four years now, after all. 

 

‘Love it, so much. You really didn’t have to—‘

 

His mother lifted his hand, gesturing for him to stop talking.

 

‘Don’t even say anything like that. Obviously, I was going to get you a present and I know this is what you wanted. It’s been waiting for you for a long time.’ 

 

Louis stood up, laying the case on the coffee table and lifting the guitar out of it with care. He began examining it with a grin.

 

‘Thank you so much,’ he said, looking into his mother’s eyes lovingly. He wanted to cry, not because this was the most beautiful guitar that he had ever laid his eyes on, but because he could see this look in her eyes, a look of motherly love that he had forgotten over the past few years and didn’t even realise how much he missed. She looked so happy to have him there, to give him that guitar that his heart could’ve exploded. 

 

He put the guitar back in the case, walking up to his mother quickly and throwing his arms around her shoulders.

 

‘I missed you so much, mum,’ he said quietly into her hair. ‘I’m sorry—‘

 

‘Stop saying you’re sorry, love. We’ve been through this.’ she said, shaking her head lightly, ‘we’ve all been waiting for you, just like this guitar, hun. Just remember that never, not for one minute, did I, or your siblings, forget about you or stopped missing you, okay?’

 

Louis was speechless, so he just nodded instead. 

 

‘Thank you.’ he whispered.

 

He let go, wiping at his eyes with the heel of his hand, before finally turning around.

 

'So, can we get back to the presents now?’ Daisy asked impatiently and they both laughed.

 

Louis couldn’t wait to tell Harry about all of it.


	15. LOVE YOU, MISS YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, but at least the chapter is SUPER LONG! Hope it's okay :) (I'm too tired to read over it right now and I just really want to post it)
> 
> Also, let me know if I should add a mild smut tag?
> 
> One more chapter after this!
> 
> xoxo

Christmas Day at the Tomlinson house always consisted of a nice family dinner and watching Christmas films, everyone just enjoying the holidays and being able to spend time together without the usual chaos that came with so many kids living in one house. The thing was, it wasn’t even that big of a house, which made things really crazy at times. But now, during the holidays, the whole place quietened down and it was all just so pleasant and cozy. 

 

The film watching continued into late evening and Louis was sitting on the sofa, squeezed between Will and Fiz. Everyone but the youngest ones was in the living room, watching the film, except for him that is, because his eyes barely left his iPhone screen.

 

In the silence of the room, just a few random words from Harry made him cackle out a loud, piercing laugh. Apparently, it was not at all an appropriate response to what seemed like quite a tense moment in the movie and suddenly all eyes were on him, staring questioningly. 

 

He instantly covered his mouth with his hand, seeming just as surprised by the sound he had made as everyone else, an embarrassed blush spreading across his face.

 

‘Sorry,’ he whispered with an awkward chuckle, feeling as if he were a little kid again, caught doing something naughty.

 

Still, he was surrounded by an unwavering mass of raised eyebrows, curious frowns and tilted heads that waited for an explanation for his outburst. The only differing expressions were Will shaking his head with a knowing smirk and his mother watching his embarrassed expression with a little giggle.

 

‘Uh, sorry guys,’ he said again, putting his phone on his lap, facing down, and lifting his hands up in a surrendering gesture, as if saying ‘won’t happen again’. 

 

‘God,’ Phoebe, who was sitting on the floor with Daisy, surrounded by a mass of pillows, groaned, ’do you _ever_ get off your phone?’

 

‘And mum complains that we’re always on _our_ phones,’ her twin said, crossing her arms in front of her chest, mirroring her sister’s challenging frown.

 

‘Like a little teenage girl, isn’t he?’ Will sighed dramatically in agreement, snickering at his brother.

 

Louis shot him an annoyed look.

 

‘Worse!’ Fizzy said and, using her brother’s moment of distraction as an opportunity, quickly grabbed the phone from Louis’ lap, already opening the messaging app by the time he even managed to turn his head around in her direction.

 

‘Fiz!’ he shouted, lounging after her to get hold of his phone, but she had already predicted his move and swiftly jumped off the sofa, running to the other side of the room and laughing.

 

‘Lets see who you’re texting,’ she giggled, scrolling, her eyes scanning the screen with concentration. She cleared her throat, reading the last message, ‘ _does my nose look like a penis? my friends are bullying me._ What the hell?’

 

‘Oi, stop!’ Louis said with a grimace, childishly running after her, ‘this is a total invasion of privacy!’

 

‘He sent a picture as well,’ she said, showing the screen, which now displayed a zoomed in photo of a ridiculously pouting Harry, to her sisters. She pulled it closer to her face to inspect it again, ‘D’you know what? It sort of does as well.’

 

‘Show it again,’ the twins laughed, all gathering around her, ‘Isn’t this Will’s flatmate?’ 

 

‘You’re texting Harry?’ Lottie, who was laughing along with the others now stopped raising her eyebrows in shock. 

 

‘Yes he is.’ Will said with a nod, watching the commotion with an amused smirk from where he was sat.

 

‘Please stop.’ Louis said, hiding his face in his hands, letting out a resigned groan because of this extremely inconvenient turn of events. This was not how things were supposed to go down, but it was clear that trying to fight it was pointless.

 

‘Oh my god!’ Daisy gasped, starting to slap her sister’s arm excitedly, ‘is he your boyfriend or something?’

 

‘Ouch!’ Phoebe shouted, pulling her arm as far away from her twin as possible, rubbing the area with her palm soothingly.

 

Fizzy’s eyes widened, moving from Daisy to Louis, who was now very, very red in the face, feeling like he was about to melt into the ground or explode.

 

‘No way!’ she said, mouth falling open comically, ‘Yeah! Will keeps saying you’re texting your crush! Oh my god! You’re going out with Will’s flatmate?’

 

‘Yes he is.’ Will said calmly, his laid back expression contrasting comically with everyone else’s shocked ones.

 

Fizzy quickly turned back to the phone, scrolling much more quickly in her excitement, tilting the screen in the direction of her sisters, so that they could see too.

 

‘Look at all the kisses!’ she said with glee. ‘You’re totally into each other!’

 

‘Show me!’ Daisy said, finally stopping rubbing the arm that Phoebe had attacked earlier out of excitement. She grabbed at the phone with her hand, pulling it closer. ‘ _Louis_.’ she said disapprovingly, ‘why do you not send kisses back?’

 

‘Yeah, what’s that about?’ Phoebe quirked her head in question.

 

‘He probably thinks he’s too cool for that.’ Will snickered, clearly enjoying the whole scene.

 

Fizzy laughed, looking back at the screen, ’He’s not too cool to say, “goodnight H, love you and miss you.”

 

Louis was definitely a completely flustered mess by then. Very, very far from cool.

 

‘Wait, I’ll fix it.’ Daisy said, opening up the emojis and clicking every single version of a love heart available over and over again until she filled out several rows with them, before clicking send. ‘Now, that’s better.’

 

‘Can I please have my phone back?’ Louis said, running a hand across his face, avoiding everyone’s gaze in his mortification.

 

‘Yeah, girls, give back his phone,’ their mum said in her authoritative tone, even though she had been chuckling along with everybody else during the past few minutes. 

 

‘Thanks for finally stepping in mum,’ Louis said sarcastically, slightly wanting to cry. 

 

‘Okay, come on,’ she sighed, getting up from her seat and walking over to the girls slowly, ‘hand it over.’

 

‘But mum,’ they were all about to protest, but, as she extended her hand in front of them expectantly, they handed it to her, faces falling with disappointment. Giving the phone back to Louis, she said, ‘there you go honey,’

 

‘Thanks.’ Louis replied quietly, avoiding everyone’s gaze.

 

Lottie, who had remained extremely unamused during the mayhem, now stood up and walked out of the room silently, which went mostly unnoticed as everyone slowly started quieting down.

 

The room turned silent, except for the film still running in the background.

 

‘So, does that mean you’re gay?’ Daisy broke the silence, looking at him curiously.

 

Louis took in a long breath, trying to prepare himself for what he was about to say.

 

‘Yeah,’ he said. It came out as a shaky whisper, so he cleared his throat before repeating, more surely, ‘Yes, yes I am.’

 

‘That’s weird.’ Phoebe blurted out.

 

‘Hey,’ Fizzy said, elbowing her in the side in reprimand, ‘it’s not weird. It’s perfectly normal and okay.’

 

‘Ow,’ Phoebe said, frowning at her, ‘I _know_ , I just— I didn’t think he was and now he is and that’s weird because I didn’t know, but now I know and I don’t mind. You know what I mean?’ 

 

‘Uh, I think I know what you mean,’ Louis smiled lightly. As confusingly as it was phrased, he got the general sentiment, and it was one of acceptance and he could barely hold it together. Being accepted for who he was was not something he was used to — not from anyone that wasn’t Harry.

 

Still, clearly feeling the need to clarify, Phoebe spoke again, looking him in the eyes earnestly, ‘I mean, I think it’s cool that you have a boyfriend, but—‘

 

‘—but you’re just _really_ embarrassing about it, FYI,’ Daisy finished her thought, ‘like, you’re so, like, cheesy and cringey.’

 

‘Yeah, not gonna lie, you really are.’ Fizzy laughed again. 

 

‘I think the words you’re actually looking for are sickening and hopeless.’ Will supplied, the smirk never leaving his mouth.

 

‘Oh my god,’ Louis groaned, putting hiding his face in his hands again, ‘ _please_ stop.’

 

‘Yeah, girls, leave your brother alone.’ their mum said, ‘I think it’s sweet.’

 

‘Awww, so sweet,’ the girls laughed, starting to make cooing noises.

 

‘You’re not helping, mum.’ Louis mumbled.

 

Eventually, the topic has changed and everyone had returned to their rooms, but not before Louis had received many, many hugs and smiles and reassuring words. He really did almost break down in tears. 

 

_‘so…. i sort of just came out to my family’_ he texted, smiling as he waited for a reply.

 

_From Harry:_

_THAT’S GREAT :) how was it? xx_

 

_To Harry:_

_extremely embarrassing :/ but good. they were very good about it._

 

_From Harry:_

_I’m so happy for you!!!! <3_

_embarrassing?_

 

_To Harry:_

_they made fun of me for being so sappy and in love… words cringey, sickening and embarrassing were being thrown around_

 

_From Harry:_

_hahaha :’D bit true though xx_

 

_To Harry:_

_i know… i hate it_

 

_From Harry:_

_Oh shush. you love it really xx_

 

_To Harry:_

_I love you._

_Fuck. That was cheesy. This is what I’m talking about. You ruined me!_

 

_From Harry:_

_hahahaha I did nothing. You were just in denial about how much of a sap you truly are._

_also, I love you too xx_

 

_To Harry:_

_UGHHHHHHHH_

 

_From Harry:_

_Goodnight xx_

 

_To Harry:_

_night xx_

 

_***_

 

 

When Louis woke up the next morning, the house was still quiet and there wasn’t much light coming through the windows.

 

He looked at his phone. 7:30am. 

 

With a sigh, he started staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell he could do at this ridiculous hour. He knew what he _wanted_ to do, but he knew it was a bit too early. He lay there for a while, conflicted, before picking up his phone again and tapping the FaceTime icon. He just really wanted to see Harry’s face.

 

After a few rings, the call was answered, revealing a sleepy Harry, still tangled up in his massive duvet with eyes struggling to stay open.

 

‘Hmmhhph,’ he mumbled instead of a hello, before clearing his throat and trying again. His voice was deep and incredibly raspy, ‘Hey.’

 

‘Shit, I woke you up,’ Louis said, frowning guiltily, ‘I’m so sorry Harry.’

 

‘No you’re not,’ Harry chuckled quietly, before opening his eyes properly for the first time, ‘and I don’t mind, to be honest. Your face is nice to wake up to.’

 

‘Likewise,’ Louis smiled widely, turning around to lay on his belly, propped up on his elbows and with legs bent upwards at the knee, ankles crossed — basically, he looked very much like the cliche teen movie girl talking to her crush. ‘I miss waking up next to you.’

 

‘Yeah, me too,’ Harry replied, half-dreamily and half-resigned.

 

 

‘Can’t stop thinking about you,’ Louis said, his words barely a whisper.

 

‘Oh yeah?’ Harry said, letting his eyes fall closed again, ‘what sort of things were you thinking?’

 

‘Just thinking about some of the things I’d want to do to you,’ Louis said, words quiet, but incredibly loaded, ‘if you were with me.’

 

‘Hm,’ Harry chuckled lightly, his closed eyes crinkling and a satisfied smile spreading on his lips, ‘and what might those things be?’

 

‘Well, first I would just run my hands over your skin, slowly, making sure that no part of it is left untouched.’ Louis said, his fingertips longing for the contact, ‘I miss how soft you are.’

 

‘That sounds good,’ Harry replied, waiting for more.

 

‘I would lightly trace your collar bones with just my finger tips, then I’d lean in and kiss that spot on your neck, just above them, just where you like. Then I’d suck on it, until it bruises and leaves a mark for everyone to see. So they can see that you’re mine.’ 

 

‘Yeah, I’d like that.’

 

Harry’s voice was low and hungry, making Louis close his eyes too, turning to lay on his back. He ran his hand down to his hardening cock, palming himself through his pyjama pants for a moment, before pulling them down, just enough to be able to wrap his hand around his length.

 

‘Then I’d run my fingers through those lovely curls of yours,’ he continued, ‘and just look at you and admire you for a moment, because you’re just so, so beautiful.’

 

‘Oh shut up, you sap,’ Harry chuckled, rolling his eyes, ‘tell me what next.’

 

‘Hm, okay,’ Louis smiled. ‘Then I’d keep kissing you. Small, slow kisses. I’d start at your jaw, then move to your neck, slowly. I’d take my time, moving lower with every kiss. Then I’d stop just above your waistline, bringing my lips to the soft bits on your sides that you hate, but I love— they are just _begging_ for a love bite, you know?’

 

‘Hmm.’

 

‘And then I’d move right back up to your lips, kissing you, while my hand moves slowly down, starting at your chest then moving lower and lower. Then I’d stop right there, fingers playing with the waistband of your boxers because I’m just a massive tease— you don’t know that yet, but you _will_.’

 

Harry’s breath hitched in his throat. His eyes were closed and he was biting down on his lip lightly, breathing staggered.

 

‘Can’t wait,’ Harry choked out raspy between his quickening breaths.

 

Louis quickened his strokes to match Harry’s breathing. It was slowly getting harder to concentrate on talking with his mind filling with visuals of Harry laying underneath him, their hot skin touching.

 

‘Tell me more,’ Harry barely whispered.

 

‘Then I’d move back from kissing your lips, moving them down your body again, kissing down, except this time—‘

 

His words were stopped by a noise coming outside of the room, making his eyes shoot open in panic. Shit, he recognised that sound very well. Someone was coming down the stairs.

 

‘Fuck.’ Louis said, jolting up, not knowing what to do, ‘Sorry, Harry, got to go. Sorry. Love you. Bye.’

 

Seconds later, his mum appeared in the doorway, giving him just enough time to cover himself with the duvet — all of himself, pulling it all the way up to his neck, hoping he could just disappear from the face of the earth.

 

‘Hi honey,’ his mother smiled, ‘I heard you talking. Was it Harry?’

 

‘Um, yeah,’ Louis choked out.

 

‘Oh, you two are so adorable,’ she said, clearly oblivious to the nature of their call.

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis said, clearing his throat, ‘so, is there anything you want? Because I was hoping I could just go back to sleep or something.’

 

‘Oh! I’m sorry baby,’ she said, concerned, ‘I was just going to say that I will start making breakfast soon, but if you need more sleep, then I’ll leave you to it.’

 

‘That’s all right mum,’ Louis said, trying to smile at her in a way that didn’t seem completely guilty of doing something inappropriate just moments ago, ‘give me a shout when it’s done and I’ll come down.’

 

‘Okay hun’,’ she smiled, ‘I’ll just leave you be for now. Take a short nap, if you still want to.’

 

‘I will, thanks mum,’ Louis nodded, praying for her to just leave the room.

 

Thankfully, she did, and Louis could finally sigh in relief. He covered his face with his hands and groaned. Shit that was close.

 

He quickly reached for his phone, just to find a text from Harry.

 

_From Harry:_

_What happened???_

 

_To Harry:_

_mum walked in_

 

_From Harry:_

_shit_

 

_To Harry:_

_it’s fine. she didn’t realise what we were doing_

 

_From Harry:_

_that’s good_

_thank god_

 

_To Harry:_

_i knooooow. i want to disappear off the face of the earth_

 

_From Harry:_

_haha please don’t. I thought this was fun._

_Except for the end obviously._

 

_To Harry:_

_yeah, it was :)_

 

_From Harry:_

_We should try it again some other time. I could tell you some of the things I would like to do to you too ;)_

 

 

Louis couldn’t believe it, but something about that little text made him go completely hard again. Fuck, he really needed to finish himself off. 

 

 

_To Harry:_

_oh yeah? what sort of things would that be?_

 

_From Harry:_

_Guess you’ll have to wait until next time to find out ;)_

 

_To Harry:_

_you’re killing me haha_

_but ok_

_i have to go now though_

 

_From Harry:_

_Okay :(_

 

_To Harry:_

_don’t worry, i’ll talk to you soon! love you xx_

 

_From Harry:_

_You better! xx_

 

 

Louis dropped his phone on the bed beside him with a massive sigh. He hadn’t had a wank while his mum was right in the next room since he was a teenager, just beginning to figure things out, but the memory of Harry’s face from just minutes ago and the image of his hands all over that body, hot and needy, were completely overwhelming. So he moved his hand back down under the covers, closing his eyes and thinking of just how much he _wanted_ Harry.

 

***

 

‘What’s that on your arm?’ Harry asked when they were next on FaceTime, just after Louis’ family had lunch.

 

Louis looked at his shoulder, then laughed.

 

‘Yeah, it’s one of my gifts from the family.’ he said, moving his arm so that it was fully visible through the little front camera. There, covering the face of his stag tattoo, was a square, beige coloured patch. Sarcastically, Louis added, ‘very cool and not at all patronising.’

 

Harry chuckled, ‘they gave you nicotine patches as a gift?’

 

‘Yeah, not at all subtle, are they?’ Louis said, then, pouting and putting on a childish voice, added, ‘and if I don’t wear them, they won’t give me dessert.’

 

‘Oh wow,’ Harry chuckled at his expression, ‘Your family sounds great. I wonder what you smell like without the cigarette stench.’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis sighed, suddenly more serious, ‘a lot has changed since I was last here.’

 

‘In a good way?’ Harry asked cautiously, instantly picking up the change of tone.

 

Louis smiled widely though.

 

‘Yeah,’ he nodded happily, then looked at Harry with a meaningful glance, ‘everything in my life has changed in a good way.’

 

They watched each other for a while knowingly, an unspoken understanding between them.

 

‘Oh my _god_ ,’ Lottie said, breaking them both from their trance, ‘you’re on the phone _again_? You’re worse than some loved up teenagers.’

 

Suddenly all of his family was crowding over him, filling up the living room. There was a smell of chocolate fairy cakes following them into the room. Everyone had been either baking or decorating the little things ever since lunch and apparently, they were all done and a whole, delicious looking stack of them was being carried into the room by his mother. 

 

‘Hey,’ Harry said half-defensively and half-jokingly, ‘nothing wrong with being loved up teenagers. _I’m_ still a loved up teenager.’

 

‘Right, whatever.’ Lottie said, grabbing one of the fairy cakes and walking out of the room, clearly in a mood.

 

‘What’s up with her?’ Louis said, looking up to his sisters, who just shrugged in response, too busy picking their favourite looking snacks.

 

‘Hello Harry!’ Louis’ mother said loudly, walking into view and waving excitedly, ‘It’s great to see you. Finally putting a face to a name. How are you honey? Having a nice time back home?’

 

‘Mum, you don’t have to shout, he can hear you.’ Louis said, shaking his head. He really didn’t need his mother butting in right now and, most likely, saying something embarrassing.

 

‘Hello,’ Harry said brightly with a wide smile. He looked like some sort of angelic creature with his dimples out. ‘I’m great, thank you, and yes, it’s so nice visiting family.’

 

‘Yes, it really is. I’m so glad that I have both of my boys back here,’ she smiled warmly, then laughed, ’even if Louis _is_ constantly on his phone, it’s still lovely.’

 

‘Sorry, I guess that’s my fault,’ Harry laughed too, slightly awkward.

 

‘Oh, don’t apologise!’ Louis’ mum said, amused, ‘I was actually wondering if you would like to come down here and visit us? It’s clear that you two miss each other and you could even stay for a couple of days, if you wanted.’

 

Louis looked at his mum with slightly horrified surprise. Harry? Here? In this chaos?

 

‘Are you sure?’ Harry said, his eyebrows shooting up with surprise. His surprise seemed very different though. He definitely looked like he was considering it.

 

‘Of course, love.’ she replied, ‘honestly, with the amount of time that you two spend on the phone with each other, it’s as if you were already here,’ she laughed, then turned to Louis, ‘what do you think honey? That would be lovely, wouldn’t it?’

 

‘Um, yeah, I think I’d like that.’ Louis said. The idea still scared him a bit because of how unexpected it was, but he was slowly warming up to it. He really did miss Harry.

 

‘And you, Harry?’

 

‘Yeah, that sounds nice,’ Harry smiled, ‘when would you like me to come over?’

 

‘Anytime you want!’ she said, ‘you could come over now, if you really wanted to. It’s really no hassle for me, I’ve already got a house full of kids, what’s one more?’

 

‘Hm,’ Harry scrunched up his face, thinking, ‘I have a family dinner tomorrow with my grandparents, but I could probably come straight after that.’

 

‘Sounds good to me, do let us know once you’ve decided. It will be great to see you,’ then, with slight surprise, she quickly added, ‘oh dear, I’ve not even introduced myself! I’m Jo, Louis’ mum.’

 

‘It’s very nice to meet you,’ Harry replied sweetly, ‘and thank you for the invitation. I feel quite honoured, really. I’d love to meet all of you.’

 

‘Don’t be silly, you’re welcome anytime.’

 

‘Thank you,’ Harry beamed again.

 

‘It’s really no problem, Harry,’ she said, then looked at Louis, who seemed a tiny bit shell-shocked, ‘I’ll leave you two now, then.’

 

‘Thanks mum,’ Louis said, nodding.

 

‘Goodbye, Harry,’ Jo turned back to him, waving her hand, ‘I hope I’ll get to see you soon, love.’

 

‘Yes, I hope so to,’ Harry sounded so cheerful, he almost sing-sang the ‘goodbye.’

 

Louis turned to his phone, watching Harry on the screen.

 

‘Well, I didn’t really expect that.’ 

 

‘You don’t mind though?’ Harry asked, hesitating slightly, ‘me, coming over, meeting your family?’

 

‘No,’ Louis smiled reassuringly, ‘I mean, it might be weird and probably completely embarrassing for me, because my mum loves to humiliate me in front of my friends. I bet it would be even worse with you being my boyfriend, to be honest, but I think it will be nice.’

 

‘That sounds great,’ Harry laughed lightly, ‘I’d love to hear all the embarrassing stories.’

 

Louis groaned, ‘Ugh, I’d really rather you didn’t but I guess it’s gonna happen anyway.’

 

‘Don’t worry, I’ll still love you,’ 

 

‘ _Ew,_ ’ one of the twins said from the other side of the room, overhearing, while the others made over exaggerated kissing noises, saying ‘I loooooove you,’ and ‘no, I loooooove you more.’

 

He should’ve known that he would never get even the slightest bit of privacy in this crowded house.

 

‘It will be great to see you. I’ve missed you, you know?’ he said, trying to ignore his siblings.

 

‘Oh, I do. I missed you too. Like crazy.’ Harry replied, nodding insistently.

 

Louis sighed. 

 

‘Well, we’ll see each other soon, at least.’ he smiled, ‘but I better say bye now, because my sisters are getting on my nerves right now.’

 

‘Hm, okay then,’ Harry said, clearly disappointed, ‘I’ll talk to you later then.’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis said, ‘definitely.’

 

‘Bye, Lou,’ Harry said, and Louis replied with a quick, ‘bye love.’

 

 

***

 

Later that night, Louis was alone, thinking about the last two days, before a thought started troubling him. It was swarming around in his head. Frowning, he decided to make the trip upstairs and ask Will if he was imagining things or not.

 

‘Will? Can I come in?’ Louis said, peeking into his brother’s room.

 

‘Yeah, what’s up?’ Will asked, looking up from his laptop.

 

‘I was just wondering something,’ Louis replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed, right by Will’s feet. He didn’t want to make too much of a deal of what he was wondering, but it’s been bugging him for the whole day, ‘I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but I think Lottie’s mad at me or something.’

 

The thing was, out of all of his sisters, Lottie was always the closest to him, whether it was just because she was the oldest one or whether there was more to it, they just got each other. She was the first person he called when he arrived in England, after all, even before he called Will. So, her being quite cold towards him was definitely worrying.

 

Will snickered.

 

‘Looks like it,’ he said with a knowing smirk.

 

Louis frowned, confused. Clearly he was missing something. 

 

‘Why? Have I done something?’ he asked, concerned.

 

Will Laughed, ‘Yeah bro, you stole her man.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘She’s had this massive crush on Harry for ages, so she’s probably mad that you got in there before her.’ he clearly found it very funny.

 

‘Oh my god. Seriously?’ Louis looked at his brother incredulously, raising his eyebrows.

 

‘Yeah,’ Will grinned, ‘might get a bit awkward when he gets here.’

 

‘Shit, what should I do? I don’t want her to be mad at me.’ he said, frowning worriedly.

 

‘Just calm down,’ Will shrugged nonchalantly, ‘she’ll get over it.’

 

‘But I don’t want it to get awkward.’ Louis continued, not at all reassured.

 

‘Oh mate, I really hope it does. It will be hilarious.’ Will laughed.

 

‘Oh shut up.’ Louis snapped, ‘Can you be any _less_ helpful?’

 

‘What can I say? Nothing better than some family drama.’ Will said, teasing him.

 

‘You’re such a twat,’ Louis said, rolling his eyes, then got up off the bed, ‘I can’t believe I thought you could be any help.’

 

Will shrugged again, looking completely unbothered, ‘it is what it is.’

 

‘Whatever,’ Louis shook his head, continuing bitterly, ‘thanks for nothing.’

 

‘Stop being such a drama queen, Lou bear!’ Will managed to say, just before Louis shut the door behind himself.

 

 

_***_

 

The next day, Harry arrived all wrapped up in a large camel coloured duffle coat and a thick grey hoodie, a green beanie on his head. His nose and cheeks were almost as pink as his plump lips and Louis just wanted to walk up and wrap his arms around him. Desperately.

 

But he was beaten to it. 

 

Louis’ mum sidestepped him, almost pushing him out of the way, going right in for a friendly hug with Harry. You’d think she’d known him for years.

 

‘Hello darling,’ she said over Harry’s shoulder, before letting go. ‘Come on in, it’s freezing.’

 

Harry, naturally, looked slightly startled by her forwardness, but quickly relaxed, returning a wide smile.

 

‘Hi,’ Harry said, slightly awkward. He didn’t manage to say much more, before Louis’ mother started animatedly ushering him inside.

 

‘Lovely to see you, Harry,’ she said, ‘It’s quite late. You must be tired. How about I make you some tea and you two can get settled.’

 

‘That would be lovely, thank you.’ Harry replied, ‘Sorry for arriving so late.’

 

‘Oh, don’t worry about it, we’re just glad you’re here.’ she said, then, with slightly worried tone asked, ‘did your sister not want to come in?’

 

‘She has to get back to Sheffield tonight, so she was in a big rush, sorry about that. She was already going out of her way to drive me over here.’ Harry explained.

 

‘God, that _is_ quite out of her way,’ she said, ‘make sure to thank her from all of us.’

 

‘I’ll pass it on,’ Harry smiled.

 

‘Good good,’ she said, nodding to herself, ‘oh! I’ve got that tea to make. Louis show him to the living room. Help him with his bags. Gosh, that’s a lot of bags!’ she exclaimed, apparently only now noticing several, large present bags by Harry’s feet.

 

‘Yeah,’ Harry said shyly, ‘I found all these cute pamper packs. They’ve got all this stuff in them, like face masks and nail varnish and they smell _so_ good, so I just bought some. Thought it might be fun to have a little pamper day.’

 

‘Oh! Harry that sounds lovely. The girls will love that.’ she said, happily surprised, ‘you really didn’t have to get them anything.’

 

Harry blushed, ‘It’s no problem, really. I love giving gifts and I just think it will be fun for everyone to join in. Except Ernest and Doris. They probably won’t care,’ he giggled cutely, ‘I got them a little something too though.’

 

‘ _Harry_ ,’ she said, shaking her head fondly. Louis understood the feeling, remembering when he himself was showered with unexpected gifts.

 

‘It’s really no trouble, I promise!’ he quickly cut in, very insistent.

 

She sighed.

 

‘That’s really sweet of you, to think about the kids. Thank you,’ she said warmly.

 

Harry immediately perked up at the compliment, smiling widely.

 

‘I also have this,’ he said, leaning down to search some of the bags by his feet, before pulling out a bottle of champagne. ‘It’s for you. Thought it would be great for New Year’s Eve.’

 

‘Oh, thank you Harry,’ she said, taking the bottle with great care, ‘you’re an angel.’

 

‘Nah, he’s just trying to get into your good graces through bribery.’ Louis, who was standing to the side, watching the interaction, a mix of nervous and happy.

 

‘Well,’ she laughed, looking between the two, ‘in that case, it’s working.’

 

‘Can we stop standing around in the hallway now?’ Louis said impatiently. He sort of wanted some alone time with Harry, like, _now_.

 

‘Yes, definitely!’ his mother exclaimed, quickly taking some steps into the house, ‘I’ll make that tea!’

 

Louis laughed softly, rolling his eyes, while his mother sped off to the kitchen.

 

‘I like your coat,’ Louis said

 

‘Thanks, I got it for Christmas.’

 

They stood there for a while, until neither of them could take it anymore. It was Harry who closed the distance between them — or, more accurately, leapt the few steps, crushing into Louis with such force that both of them almost toppled over.

 

‘Easy there,’ Louis laughed, trying to regain balance at the same time as wrapping his own arms around Harry’s torso, holding on tightly.

 

‘I’ve missed you.’ Harry said, nuzzling into Louis’ hair.

 

‘I know,’ Louis sighed, before pulling away slightly, which resulted in an unhappy grunt from Harry, and looking in the direction of the kitchen. No sign of his mother.

 

So, he turned back to Harry, their faces incredibly close.

 

‘Hi,’ he said almost inaudibly, smiling. He looked down at Harry’s lips, then back into his eyes, before closing the space between them and kissing him softly. 

 

‘I’ve missed you too,’ he whispered between kisses. It all felt so comfortable and familiar.

 

It was Harry who broke away this time, taking a couple steps back, which was probably the only way for their lips not to instantly return to each other.

 

‘Um,’ he said, then coughed awkwardly, ‘we should probably move my stuff and— stuff.’

 

‘Very eloquent,’ Louis chuckled, before turning half around, ‘okay then, Curly. Lets get you all settled in.’

 

Harry followed Louis into the warm, cozy living room where a pull out sofa was all set up for them with a massive duvet and extra blankets.

 

‘We’re both gonna be sleeping here? Together?’ Harry asked, eyes widening slightly, ‘your mum doesn’t mind?’

 

‘Nah, she doesn’t mind, but prepare yourself for my mother giving us the talk before she leaves,’

 

‘The talk?’

 

Louis put on a rather exaggerated impersonation of his mother’s voice, _‘Now, boys, I trust you, but just remember there are children around, okay?_ ’

 

Harry laughed, ‘just your typical mum behaviour then,’ although he was actually still quite nervous.

 

 

Louis’ mother came in and set the tea down, surprisingly not saying anything apart from, ‘Here’s your tea, boys,’ and leaving them alone in the room.

 

‘Don’t worry, she’ll be back with some excuse,’ Louis said, rolling his eyes, ‘it’s just a matter of time.’

 

‘Okay,’ Harry laughed slightly awkwardly. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to that, but the idea of Louis’ mum being interested in his life and Louis knowing it, gave him a sort of relief. Louis had been so nervous about coming back home, so pessimistic, yet he already seemed to be acting like any other son, complaining about his mother butting into his life and being nosy. It was nice, in a way.

 

Harry put two sugars in his tea, then picked it up and started inspecting the room curiously. 

 

Louis watched as Harry walked around his living room, taking in each detail. He kept out of his way, sitting down on the sofa bed while Harry walked up to a bookshelf filled mainly with kids’ books, DVDs and a number of framed photos. 

 

‘Is it okay if I touch these?’ Harry asked with a smile.

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Louis replied, getting up from where he sat to have a look and see which photo had caught Harry’s eyes.

 

‘This is so cute.’ Harry chuckled, holding a photo of a very young Louis and Will, holding their mother’s hands on either side, a long beach scattered with people behind them.

 

Louis stood behind him, looking over his shoulder. He remembered that holiday and smiled softly as well.

 

‘How old were you in this?’ Harry asked curiously.

 

‘Five? I think.’ Louis said, ‘It was before Lottie was born.’

 

It was back when things were still good, Louis thought to himself, but didn’t say it out loud. It was before he started feeling like he was always inferior to his brother, like he was always in his shadow. It was before things went to shit and his father had chosen Will as his favourite, neglecting him.

 

‘I love the matching outfits.’ Harry laughed, turning to look at Louis to see his reaction and meeting his lost in thought eyes. Nudging his arm with his shoulder, he asked, ‘you okay?’ 

 

‘Hm?’ Louis looked at him distracted for a second, before shaking his head and focusing on the conversation they were having again, ‘yeah, I’m fine.’

 

‘Okay,’ Harry smiled again, ‘as I said, the outfits are really cute. It’s a nice picture.’

 

‘Yeah, our mum really loved dressing us the same back then.’ he laughed, looking at a tiny version of himself and Will in tiny blue shorts and red sun hats. ‘I can’t remember when she stopped doing that, but I’m glad she did.’

 

‘Please tell me there are more of these here,’ Harry replied with a little laugh.

 

‘What, so you can make fun of me?’

 

‘Yeah,’ Harry grinned, dimples on full display, ‘and call you cute.’

 

‘Oh no, definitely not,’ Louis shook his head, ‘definitely not happening.’

 

‘Oh come on, don’t be like that.’ Harry replied, widening his eyes and putting on a tiny pout, attempting his best puppy-dog face. 

 

‘Still not happening,’ Louis said, rolling his eyes at his facial expression.

 

Harry’s pout got bigger, his eyebrows drawing closer in a frown.

 

‘You suck.’ he said, glaring at him jokingly.

 

Louis shrugged.

 

‘It is what it is.’

 

‘Hi boys,’ Louis’ mum said, coming into the room with a tray of biscuits. ‘How are you doing? Do you need anything?’

 

‘No mum, we’re fine, you can go,’ Louis smiled, rolling his eyes slightly at his mum’s obvious attempt to hover in the room and watch them.

 

‘Okay then, darlings.’ she smiled, but was clearly disappointed.

 

‘Louis doesn’t want to show me any of his kid pictures,’ Harry said quickly, just as she was turning around to leave, interrupting her mid-step.

 

Louis’ mum turned back around, grinning excitedly, ‘oh, I could bring some down for you. We could all look at them together.’

 

‘That would be great!’ Harry said with a wide smile, just as Louis whined, ‘No mum, please don’t.’

 

‘You shush,’ his mum said to Louis, pointing a finger at him warningly, ‘no complaining.’

 

‘Yeah, no complaining, Lou Bear,’ Harry smirked at Louis, looking very proud of himself.

 

After a while, Louis did stop complaining, even though he made a show of looking very displeased the whole time. His mother, however, was absolutely overjoyed, old photos scattered all over the coffee table, a large photo album resting on Harry’s knees as she sat next to him, giving detailed commentary of every single photo.

 

Will had walked into the room later on and joined them, clearly very amused by the whole thing, adding his own jokes and comments, to further embarrass the already squirming, trying to hide his face in his hands, Louis. Louis hated it, but every now and then, Harry would look at him, his smile soft and eyes lovely and reassuring, and it would all feel so much more bearable. It was quite pleasant, actually. Everyone was relaxed and having nice conversation, even if it was full of jokes about him, and it all just felt safe and happy. It seemed like everything Harry did always made him feel safe and happy.

 

As expected, later on when it had gotten too late to stay up anymore, Louis’ mother stopped in the doorway and spoke just before leaving.

 

‘Now, boys,’ she said, crossing her arms and looking at them half-seriously and half-suggestively, ‘I am leaving you two here alone and I know you’ve not seen each other for a few days, but please remember that there are children around, okay?’

 

‘Don’t worry, we’ll behave,’ Louis said in a serious tone, but turned to Harry, giving him a mischievous little wink. Harry couldn't help letting out a squeaky giggle, then tried to compose himself when Louis’ mum gave the both of them a very disbelieving look.

 

She sighed, turning around to leave, ‘goodnight boys.’

 

‘Goodnight,’ they both said, before breaking into laughter.

 

‘I’m glad we’re alone again,’ Louis said, walking up to Harry and intertwining their fingers together, ‘but I’m also _really_ tired, so can we just go to bed?’

 

‘And have a little cuddle?’ Harry asked with a cute pout.

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis laughed fondly, ‘and a little cuddle.’

 

 

***

 

When Louis woke up the next day, Harry wasn’t there. He frowned, rubbing at his eyes. But, before he could even ask himself where his boyfriend might be, a lovely smell coming from the kitchen filled his nostrils and answered his question. It seemed that his mother had started making breakfast for everyone and, knowing Harry, he just had to get involved in the whole thing somehow. 

 

Louis got up groggily, and walked lazily towards the kitchen. He heard two familiar voices talking to each other and, when he overhead his name being mentioned, he stopped in his tracks and listened in.

 

‘I’m just really glad that he has you, Harry,’ his mother said with a small note of concern behind the warmth that she was directing at Harry. She sighed with a heaviness in her tone, ‘he always had a difficult time growing up. He often separated himself from others, didn’t really interact with anyone. He wasn’t— he wasn’t happy.’

 

‘Yeah, I know,’ Harry said softly, sadly. Louis could just imagine that little crease forming between his eyebrows when he was upset.

 

He didn’t like being talked about like that, like he was some tiny wounded animal, but it _was_ all true and it’s not like Harry wasn’t already aware of exactly how shitty his life was in the past.

 

‘Well, I guess it’s good that he’s been open about it all with you,’ Louis’ mother continued, ‘I think that’s a big thing for him. He really has changed quite a lot, I think, and it must be, in part, thanks to you. He just brightens up so much whenever he talks to you. So, I’m really grateful to you, for making my son happy.’

 

‘Thank you, for saying that,’ Harry said, ‘I really think that Louis is an amazing person who deserves to be happy and, if I can contribute to that, make him happier, then that’s what I’ll do— that’s what I want to do, need to do. I love your son and, when I say that, I don’t mean it lightly.’

 

‘Oh, Harry,’ Louis’ mum said, sounding tearful.

 

That’s when Louis decided to come in, pretending not to have heard anything.

 

‘Good morning!’ he said loudly, smiling, ‘so, what are we having this morning?’

 

 

***

 

The day was going smoothly from then on. Louis’ family seemed to welcome Harry instantly, which he was completely unsurprised by — Harry was really easy to fall in love with, he knew that first hand, after all. The only person seeming in the slightest bit unhappy for him to be there, was Lottie, who spent most of the day silent, frowning at her phone. 

 

The pamper sets that Harry bought for everyone turned out to be a massive hit, everyone getting involved, including him and Will even though they tried to fight it at first, before getting a massive speech from Felicity and Harry about gender norms and how everyone deserved to have nice, soft skin and feel pretty. Louis was slightly in awe at just how smart and outspoken his sister was becoming. 

 

‘Can you do my hair like Elsa?’ Phoebe asked excitedly, while Daisy painted Harry’s nails… very badly.

 

‘I can _try_ ,’ Harry nodded with a smile, ‘as soon as these dry though, okay?’

 

‘Okay,’ she said, plopping herself down on the sofa and watching her sister absolutely massacring Harry’s nails.

 

Daisy looked down at Harry’s hands with a frown. The nail polish was terribly uneven and smudgedon Harry’s fingers, all around his nails.

 

‘Oh my god,’ she said, horrified by her own creation, ‘I’ve really messed this up,’

 

‘It’s okay, don’t worry about it,’ Harry smiled reassuringly, ‘we have nail polish remover, we can fix it.’

 

‘You sure?’ Daisy asked with a worried frown.

 

‘Definitely,’ Harry nodded, ‘everyone starts somewhere, you know?’

 

He was an absolute charm.

 

‘Lets stop _this_ ,’ he continued, showing off his nails, ‘so that I can do Phoebe’s hair, okay?’

 

‘Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,’ Daisy laughed self-depreciatingly.

 

‘How about you help me look up some tutorials on youtube?’ Harry asked.

 

‘I can do that!’ she said excitedly, getting up to get their laptop from upstairs.

 

‘I’m actually looking forward to this,’ Harry smiled, ‘you both have very lovely hair.’

 

So sweet, Harry really was.

 

‘I’m actually thinking of growing out my hair too, you know?’ Harry added, before looking up to Louis, who was watching him silently, ‘what do you think? Could I pull that off?’

 

‘Babe, lets be honest, you could wear my grandma’s curtains and still look hot as fuck.’

 

‘Louis, language!’ his mother called instantly.

 

‘Sorry!’ Louis shouted back, looking the least bit sorry a human could possibly be. He winked at Harry, making the other boy blush bright red and look away quickly. He grinned to himself, dimples on show, and Louis thought he looked so, so lovely.

 

How did Louis even deserve someone like that? Someone who just _fit in_ everywhere that he went? Someone who just _shined_?

 

Someone so unlike him.

 

‘Hey,’ Louis said quietly, tapping on Harry’s shoulder, ‘I’m just gonna go for a bit, I’ll be back soon, okay?’

 

Harry looked at his questioningly, before nodding, ‘okay.’

 

Louis kissed Harry on the top of the head quickly, resulting in some mocking cooing noises from the girls, before disappearing through the door.

 

_***_

 

Harry knew that Louis sometimes needed a little time to himself, but after half an hour had passed since his boyfriend had left the room, he decided to ask Will about it.

 

‘Do you know where Louis has gone?’ he turned to him, hands still busy with platting Phoebe’s hair. He was getting quite confident with what he was doing by then and looked down on his creation with a pleased smile.

 

‘I don’t know,’ Will shrugged noncommittally, ‘my room probably.’

 

‘Okay,’ Harry nodded. He could’ve guessed as much. Then, twisting around the last hairband on the end of Phoebe’s quite elaborate plait, he smiled widely, exclaiming, ‘all done!’

 

‘Thanks Harry!’ she squealed excitedly, quickly running to the mirror above the fireplace. ‘Can you take a picture? I’m gonna snap it to my friends.’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Harry smiled, getting up from the sofa with a sigh. After taking it, he turned towards the room saying, to no one in particular, ‘I’m just gonna go look for Louis then.’

 

‘Yeah, sure.’ Will responded with a lazy wave of the hand.

 

The door to Will’s room was slightly ajar and Harry peeked inside it slowly. The place was dark and cold and Louis was definitely not in it.

 

Harry frowned, walking back downstairs.

 

‘He’s not in your room.’ He informed Will.

 

‘Huh,’ his friend said, absently, ‘he might be in the shed then.’

 

‘The shed?’ Harry asked confused.

 

Will decided to turn his attention to him then, elaborating.

 

‘Yeah, the shed in our garden. It used to be like _his_ spot, you know? He might have gone there. Though it’s pretty full of crap right now, so it’s not exactly great to spend time in.’

 

‘But you think he’ll be there?’ Harry pressed.

 

‘Might be.’ Will shrugged.

 

Harry, of course, was not quite as relaxed about Louis being missing. He didn’t say anything about leaving the house to him and Harry couldn’t think of a reason why he would do so. It felt off to him.

 

‘Okay, I’ll go and check.’ he just nodded instead of questioning his friend’s lack of interest in his brother’s whereabouts. 

 

‘Grab a jacket or something.’ Will said, eyes back on the screen, ‘It’s probably cold down there.’

 

Following Will’s instruction, Harry slipped on his coat before making his way towards the back garden. He struggled for a bit with the door in the kitchen that led outside, trying to turn the key again and again, before realising that it was already unlocked. He interpreted that as a promising sign.

 

The garden was quite large in size, probably around the same size as the house, which must have been great to have with so many kids around. Still, it was clear that it had been a bit neglected recently, probably because of the cold temperatures of the autumn and winter months. It looked a bit lonely.

 

In the corner of the garden stood a shed. It was quite large, probably around eight by ten feet, and there was a little bit of light coming from the little window on its side.

 

Harry took in a deep breath before walking towards it. 

 

He knocked.

 

‘Louis?’ he said towards the door, ‘are you in there?’

 

He knocked again.

 

He waited for a minute before a quiet voice came from the inside.

 

‘Yeah, come in.’ he thought he heard, so he pushed the handle down reluctantly and pulled the door open.

 

The shed was dimly lit by a lone lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. The walls seemed to be covered in some sort of layer of insulation that was peeling off. One side of the shed was packed with bikes, bags, tools and a barbecue, while the other was occupied by a saggy looking sofa.

 

And Louis.

 

Louis was sitting there with his knees pressed to his torso and his arms wrapped tightly around himself. He was looking blankly at the floor and nodding to himself absently.

 

‘I used to have a heater here.’ he said with an empty chuckle, glancing up at Harry’s concerned face before the boy even got the chance to say anything. ‘I didn’t think to take a jacket.’

 

‘You must be freezing.’ Harry said matter-of-factly, before starting to unzip his own coat. ‘Let me just—‘

 

‘If you’re planning on offering me that coat of yours, don’t bother, I won’t take it.’ Louis interrupted. ‘No need for you to be freezing too.’

 

Harry sighed, shaking his head. He knew there was no fighting it.

 

‘Hm,’ he thought for a moment, ‘I’ve got an idea. Sit up.’

 

‘What?’ 

 

‘Up up up,’ Harry said, gesturing for Louis to get up with his hands. Frowning, Louis followed the instruction, watching his boyfriend with confusion.

 

Harry slipped past Louis, taking his place in the corner of the sofa. 

 

‘Give me your hand.’ he said with a smile.

 

‘Um, okay.’ Louis replied hesitantly, putting his hand forward. 

 

Harry grabbed the hand, pulling it quickly towards himself, causing Louis to tumble down onto him clumsily.

 

‘What the hell?’

 

‘Just, like, sit on my lap and if we squeeze in really tight, then maybe we can both fit into my coat.’ Harry explained, trying to manoeuvre Louis around, so that he was sitting sideways, hugging into his body.

 

‘We cannot both fit into there.’ Louis replied incredulously, but still let himself be moved around, so that the two fit in closer together.

 

He curled into Harry’s side, pressing himself tight into his chest, while Harry wrapped his coat around them as best as he could with his long arms. Of course, the material was nowhere near covering them both, but just the body heat that they now shared started warming the both of them up noticeably.

 

‘How’s this?’ Harry asked with a warm smile, squeezing Louis tighter.

 

‘Cozy.’ Louis laughed in return.

 

‘Good.’

 

A silence fell upon them for a while, while they both just sat there, holding onto each other, sharing warmth. 

 

‘Do you wanna tell me what’s up?’ Harry asked softly after a while. When Louis fidgeted awkwardly, biting down on his lip instead of replying, he quickly added. ‘I mean, you don’t have to, we could just sit here for a while, if that’s what you prefer.’

 

The only response was a tired-sounding sigh.

 

‘Or I could leave?’ Harry asked, confidence dropping.

 

‘No, don’t,’ Louis said finally, shaking his head.

 

‘Then what’s going on?’ Harry asked, giving him a reassuring squeeze.

 

Louis hesitated, grimacing slightly before he spoke.

 

‘I’m just having one of those moments, you know? When everything just gets a bit much. It’s stupid.’ 

 

‘It’s not stupid,’ Harry quickly replied, ‘if you need some time away from others, that’s perfectly fine.’

 

‘Right,’ Louis nodded unenthusiastically, ‘but it’s sort of more than that and that’s what’s stupid.’

 

‘What do you mean?’ Harry asked, tilting his head questioningly.

 

‘It’s just—‘ he started, before shaking his head, ‘you know what, never mind, forget it.’

 

‘Oh, come on,’ Harry said more firmly, ‘let it out. You can tell me anything.’

 

Louis sighed with defeat.

 

‘I’m angry.’

 

‘Angry?’ Harry asked surprised, ‘angry at what?’

 

‘Everything really,’ he replied, ‘myself, my family… you.’

 

‘Me?’ Harry asked, hoping that it didn’t come out quite as panicked as it felt. Had he done something to upset Louis? He definitely didn’t mean to.

 

‘It’s just that,’ he hesitated, looking for the words, ‘It’s just that all of you are sitting there, all happy and having fun, and I just feel like I’m— like I’m intruding or something. Like I shouldn’t be there.’ he said, shuffling away from Harry’s side, making some more space between them. 

 

‘Louis—‘ 

 

‘And you! You fit right in. It’s like, as soon as you stepped into the house, you belonged. Everyone here loves you and— I don’t know, it just made me mad— that you seem to fit into my family more than I ever have.’

 

‘Listen, Lou, if you want me to spend less time with them or something—‘

 

‘That’s not my point. My point is that I’m just not—‘

 

‘If you say good enough, I’m gonna fucking smack you around the head.’ Harry said, shaking his head disapprovingly. ‘You say they all love me, but that’s not true. They like me. But they love _you_. You’re the one that they all want here.’

 

‘They think they want me here, but I don’t think they actually do. I don’t think I can be this person that they think I am.’

 

‘What person? What person, Louis?’ Harry, trying to remain level, but it was proving difficult, ‘who is this person that you think they want? Because, I can tell you this, that person exists only in your head. Your family wants _you_ here. The real you. That’s who they want and that’s who they have missed over the last few years. They want to know you again, what you’re like, what you’re interested in— everything. You matter to them, so stop telling yourself you don’t belong.’

 

‘But I just don’t feel like—‘

 

‘Listen, Lou,’ Harry interrupted, ‘if you feel like it’s all too much and need a break, that’s fine. You can go and be on your own for a little while, but don’t run away completely. Don’t hide. Don’t lock yourself away, not letting anyone in. That’s not healthy.’

 

‘I know that, it’s just— sometimes it’s hard. It’s hard to allow people in, because when you do, they might not like what they see and—‘

 

‘Reject you? Hurt you? Leave you?’ Harry supplied. 

 

Louis nodded, ‘Yeah.’

 

Harry sighed sadly.

 

‘You can’t live your life by always thinking that you’re not good enough for people to stay, not worth their love and attention. Because that’s just not true. You are worth it. If people leave you, that’s their own choice, not your fault.’ Harry said. Then, more softly, added, ‘I won’t leave you.’

 

‘How can you say that? You can’t promise that.’

 

‘Listen, I know how I feel. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave unless you push me away. So please, don’t push me away.’ Harry pleaded, he really wanted to get through to Louis, ‘and please don’t push your family away.’

 

Louis looked down at his hands, shrinking in on himself. His expression turned unsure, slightly guilty, as he seemed to accept what Harry was saying. 

 

‘I don’t mean to,’ he said weakly, ‘I think I’m just scared.’

 

‘Don’t be.’ Harry said, ‘I know you want to be around them, so let yourself be. I can tell that they matter to you.’

 

‘They do.’

 

‘And you matter to them.’ Harry smiled, ‘so give yourself a chance.’

 

Louis nodded lightly, letting silence fall around them again.

 

‘Ugh,’ he laughed after a moment, ‘I feel like you’re always giving me pep talks. It must get annoying.’

 

‘It’s not.’ Harry insisted, ‘I don’t mind reminding you that you’re a good person. That you deserve good things. As I said, I could tell you you’re great every day.’

 

‘Every day that I let you.’ Louis nodded with a small smile.

 

‘That’s right.’ Harry said, smiling 

 

‘You’re ridiculous.’ he shook his head disbelievingly. ‘And sappy as hell.’

 

‘So what if I am?’ Harry shrugged, ‘you’re worth it.’

 

‘Please shut up before I throw up,’ Louis groaned dramatically, ‘you’re too, like, cute. It’s disgusting.’

 

Harry burst out with a loud laugh.

 

‘ _Please_ ,’ he rolled his eyes, ‘you know you love it. You’ve even said so before.’

 

‘Shit, I guess I did.’

 

Harry couldn’t help but let out a small amused giggle.

 

 

‘So, tell me about this place.’ Harry said, ‘Will said it was like _your_ spot or something?’

 

‘Yeah, I used to come down here to play.’ he informed him, looking around the walls, ‘we tried to soundproof it as cheaply as we could, so that I didn’t piss people off too much.’

 

‘That’s cool, that you had a place for yourself.’

 

Louis scoffed.

 

‘Yeah, that’s not exactly how it went down. My dad hated me playing in the house. Said it was too loud, even when I was playing on headphones, it pissed him off. I swear, he would’ve thrown my guitar out if my mum hadn’t come up with the idea to turn this place into a practice room for me. So, it’s more like I was exiled here or something.’

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said quieter.

 

‘I mean, I did like it here. I didn’t get in people’s way here. We never said it out loud, but it was obvious that he liked me out of the way too.’ Louis shrugged with a disheartened sigh, ’It became a bit of a hiding place for me and everyone just got used to that. Once I was here for four days and they hadn’t even noticed I was gone.’

 

‘Four days?’ Harry said, raising his eyebrows in surprise, ‘Did you have one of them intense inspiration mood things?’

 

‘Nope,’ Louis shook his head sadly, ‘I don’t think I even picked up my guitar once. I just sort of _lay_ there, you know? It was one of those times.’

 

‘Oh.’ Harry’s face fell, ’like how you felt now?’

 

‘No,’ Louis shook his head, frowning, ‘now, I actually feel something. Back then I was just numb. Now, I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I don’t want to lay here until I die. I want to be out there, I just don’t think I’ve got it in me.’

 

‘Hey, we’ve covered this already a second ago—‘

 

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Louis waved him off, ‘I know. I know what you’re telling me and, yes, I have been listening. I understand, but sometimes the feelings are still there, you know? That I don’t have a place around here. I mean, I literally have nowhere to go, like, physically. It sort of feels like they erased me, you know? I don’t have a room. I don’t even have this place. It’s like they accepted that I would never come back or something. Maybe even didn’t want me to.’

 

‘Hey, they _did_ want you to come back. If they didn’t, your mum wouldn’t have kept all your things. Plus, as I have already said, they love you and have missed you and that’s a fact.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah, I know.’ Louis said, ’doesn’t change the fact that I still feel a bit lost.’

 

‘Well, I don’t know what to tell you,’

 

‘You don’t have to tell me anything. You’ve already said more than enough. I really need you to know that I do appreciate that you’re here, you have to know that. The things you say, how you are around me, it really does help. I feel like you make me better. Stronger.’

 

‘Really?’ Harry smiled up brightly.

 

‘Yeah, you really matter a lot to me.’ Louis said, snuggling up closer. ‘I really do love you.’

 

‘I love you too.’

 

‘Now, let’s talk about something less shitty.’ Louis laughed.

 

‘Hm,’ Harry thought for a moment, ‘I think Lottie doesn’t like me very much. Have I done something to annoy her?’

 

Louis snorted out a laugh.

 

‘Oh, I don’t think that’s the problem.’

 

Harry looked at him, eyes questioning, ‘what’s so funny?’

 

‘Well, Harold,’ Louis started with a smirk, ‘according to Will, Lottie has quite a bit of a crush on you and is very unhappy that I got in there first.’

 

Harry blushed, embarrassed, eyes widening in surprise, ‘seriously?’

 

‘Yup,’ Louis laughed at Harry’s shocked expression. ‘Seems like she has a thing for cute uni boys.’

 

‘Hm,’ Harry thought for a moment, before smirking mischievously, ‘well, Niall’s still single, you know.’

 

Louis looked at him horrified.

 

‘Oh my god, don’t say things like that! That’s awful.’ he looked seriously disturbed by the idea, ‘like, first of all, she’s only sixteen, and second of all, it’s _Niall_. Fuck, why would you even say that?’

 

Harry burst out laughing.

 

‘Because of your face right now.’

 

‘It’s not funny,’ Louis squeaked.

 

‘Oh, yeah, it is.’ Harry was almost in tears.

 

Louis just groaned, ‘why did you put that idea in my head. Now I have to bleach my brain.’

 

‘Oi, don’t be so rude to poor, old, lonely Niall,’ Harry laughed in response.

 

‘Please, just drop it,’ Louis pleaded, ‘Niall’s a great mate, but he’s a) married to his guitar, b) in love with a pint of Guinness and c) never touching my sister.’

 

‘I know, I know,’ Harry said, still giggling.

 

‘You’re cruel.’ Louis said, shaking his head with an amused frown.

 

‘I’m hilarious and amazing.’ Harry replied, grinning.

 

‘Keep telling yourself that,’ Louis said dryly.

 

‘Heeeey,’ Harry said, pulling away slightly, ‘no need to get sarky.’

 

‘Ugh, you can be such a pain when you want to,’ Louis groaned, rolling his eyes. He sighed, then, looking challengingly into Harry’s eyes, said, ’How about you stop talking and kiss me instead?’

 

Harry scrunched up his face, pretending to think hard about it.

 

‘Yeah, I guess I could do that.’

 

‘Good.’

 

 

***

 

It felt incredibly odd when the Tomlinson house was silent, Harry thought. It made his mind wander. Currently, it was late at night and the whole place was being eaten up by darkness. Louis had just turned off the light and quickly climbed under the duvet, starting to fluff his pillow one last time, which was actually quite redundant, since he was probably going to spend most of the night with his head resting on Harry’s chest, hugging tightly into his side.

 

‘D’you know what I was just thinking?’ Harry said, turning to Louis out of nowhere.

 

‘Hm?’ Louis said, before looking down and meeting his eyes. ‘What’s that?’

 

‘I was just thinking that I don’t think we’ve actually ever gone on a proper date.’ he said with his eyebrows raised as if he, himself, was surprised by this realisation.

 

‘Oh,’ Louis said, mirroring his facial expression, ‘Yeah, I don’t think we have. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only time we have really spent time outside the flat, just you and me, was when you tricked me into singing karaoke by drowning me in tequila.’ 

 

Harry laughed, ‘you know, that’s the first time I actually realised that I was really, like _really_ , into you, because you were just so hot singing that song. Like your voice and the way you were looking at me, I mean, it was probably just the performance, but still. I could barely think.’

 

‘It wasn’t just the performance. I was definitely giving you bedroom eyes and I ain’t even sorry.’ Louis laughed, ‘l mean, I tried to hold it back and get over it, because I didn’t want to piss off Will and get kicked out or anything, but I definitely found you so— you were just so bright and sweet and funny and actually interested in what I was saying. I haven’t had that in a long time — someone actually giving a shit, I mean.’

 

Harry grinned, a warm blush spreading across his face at this new information.

 

‘And you were hot, that also helped.’ Louis said with a chuckle.

 

‘Well, thank you, how sweet.’ Harry laughed, slightly embarrassed by the compliments. 

 

‘Really, really hot,’ Louis repeated in a lower voice, leaning down to kiss him. Harry lifted himself up on his elbow, to make it easier for their lips to move together in sync, the hand of his other arm reaching up to Louis’ neck, fingers getting lost in his hair.

 

As soon as they broke apart, Louis looked down into Harry’s eyes, face hot and lips turning into a playful smirk, ‘so, that date you mentioned?’

 

‘Do you want to, um, go on one?’ Harry asked with a little, slightly nervous laugh.

 

‘Of course I do,’ Louis smiled, rolling his eyes as if it was a silly question.

 

‘Great.’ Harry grinned, ‘because I might already have an idea of where we could go.’

 

‘Of course you have,’ Louis laughed, then smiled with encouragement, ‘tell me about it.’

 

 

***

 

 

‘Aaaaaah,’ Harry screamed, speeding on the ice uncontrollably, heading straight for his boyfriend with his arms flopping around him wildly as he desperately tried to regain some balance. He tried. He really tried this ice skating thing. So far, it was not going well. Well, it was actually going pretty horrifically. 

 

‘No, no, no,’ Louis managed to mumble, trying to move out of the way, but he didn’t get the chance. Harry flew into him, elbowing him in the ribs and making them both fall down with a pained groan.

 

‘Ow, Harry, not again.’ Louis said, sounding strained, with eyes watering slightly because of the impact of Harry’s tackle.

 

‘Sorry, sorry,’ Harry said quickly, eyes wide with worry, ‘are you okay?’

 

‘Not particularly, no.’ Louis said, sitting up with slight difficulty.

 

This seemed like a great idea about half an hour ago, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. They both looked quite the mess. Their knees and gloved hands were soaked through, because of their many falls on the ice. Harry’s hair was even wilder than usual, the boy having lost his hat at some point during his awkward acrobatics, and Louis was definitely not pleased with the way his fringe flew in all directions as they skated. At this point, he didn’t even want to get up again because of the great likelihood of falling right back down onto the hard, wet ice.

 

‘Oh no, I’m so sorry.’ Harry said anxiously, delicately moving Louis’ fringe out of his eyes. ‘Sorry.’

 

‘It’s okay,’ Louis sighed, even though they both knew it was a disaster and, yes, it was Harry’s fault, being the one who suggested going ice skating. He was so excited when he found out that a new outdoor ice skating rink had been opened in Doncaster for the winter season, that Louis couldn’t say no. But now he just really couldn’t understand why Harry was so eager about this date idea, so he just needed to ask, ‘why did you want to go ice skating if you can’t skate?’

 

‘Um,’ Harry started, biting down on his lip, looking at Louis with an expression that seemed like a mix of guilt and embarrassment, ‘okay, so I had this sort of, um, image in my head— well, I thought you could ice skate because, you know, Will is like some weird pro at ice skating, and I thought that it would be cute, like, you teaching me and helping me and stuff and— I don’t know it was supposed to be cute—‘

 

Louis laughed, shaking his head.

 

‘So, basically you had some cheesy christmas rom-com fantasy thing going on? That sounds exactly like you.’ Seeing that Harry dropped his head sadly, he quickly put his hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. Once Harry looked back up, he smiled, eyebrows lifted in amusement, ‘Well, we both know that I am as different from my brother as could ever be possible, so making any assumptions based on what he’s like, is bound to end up badly. But I get it, you like all the holiday stuff. But I really can’t take any more of this,’ he said, gesturing around them, ‘I might physically not survive it.’

 

‘Sorry,’ Harry said quietly again.

 

‘No, don’t be sorry,’ Louis said quickly, ‘let’s just get out of here before we sustain some permanent injuries, you know? We could like, go for some hot chocolate or mulled cider or something. It can still be really cute and wintery and we could buy you a new hat— how does that sound?’

 

Harry seemed to consider that for a moment, before looking back into Louis’ eyes, smiling.

 

‘That sounds really good, actually.’

 

‘Thank god.’ Louis said dramatically, laughing, ‘I don’t think I could take another minute in this death pit. Lets try not to kill ourselves on the way to the exit, okay?’

 

‘Yeah, okay.’ Harry laughed along.

 

They scrambled themselves up off the ice, trying their hardest to keep themselves upright as they crossed the rink. 

 

Once they were both safe and clutching hot beverages in their hands, Louis turned to Harry with a slightly unsure expression, as if he was still debating if he really wanted to say what was on his mind.

 

He did.

 

‘I know we almost died out there—‘ he started.

 

Harry self-depreciatingly, ‘I know, I’m so sorry.’

 

‘Hold on,’ Louis said, raising his hand for Harry to stop, ‘what I want to say is that, even though it didn’t really go to plan, it was still the best date I’ve ever had. The thing is, I’ve never really had something like we have before. Guys have never— they’ve never treated me like you do. They treated me like shit and never really cared about what I wanted, but you _do_. I never thought I could have something like this. Someone who actually cares. It means the world to me, you know? You mean the world to me and really love you so much.’

 

‘Lou—’ Harry started softly.

 

‘No, don’t say anything,’ Louis stopped him again, ‘I don’t want to think about the past anymore. I just want to think about me and you and us and how good life can be, okay?’

 

Harry smiled, ‘Okay.’

 

‘Good.’ Louis nodded decisively. ‘Now lets finish our drinks and go home because I’m freezing my arse off.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked that! Please let me know what you think! :)
> 
> Just fyi, if I'm taking absolutely AGESSS to update, please do message me on tumblr/twitter/anything and tell me to hurry the fuck up, because it does help and makes me write faster!
> 
> Also, I said that the next chapter is the last one BUT, and I might've mentioned it to some people, I'm planning a sequel to this which is a 'five years later' sort of thing with flashbacks to the time that Louis spent with the band before this fic started. But that is a looong way away, because I would need to work all the timelines out, which is HELL for me. But I really want to do it! :)
> 
> my twitter/tumblr/instagram/everything is annanotesxo so follow me and talk to me and give me attention haha 
> 
> thanks for reading 
> 
> xoxo


	16. NEW YEAR, NEW ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS INSANELY HARD TO WRITE AND I JUST NEED IT OUT THERE SO HERE IT IS.

‘I hate this,’ Louis said into his phone with a pout. It was two minutes until midnight, New Year’s Eve, and his boyfriend was around 180 miles away, instead of there with him, impatiently waiting for that New Year’s kiss. ‘I wish you were here.’

 

‘Awh,’ Harry cooed teasingly on the other side of the call, trying to hide the fact that he felt _exactly_ the same behind a chuckle, ‘when did you become such a softie?’

 

‘Shut up, Curly,’ Louis grumbled.

 

‘That’s more like it,’ Harry replied jokingly, ‘now stop being a sappy mess and go back to work. Joan asked you to come in for a reason, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t so that you can hide in the toilets chatting to me.’

 

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Louis groaned unenthusiastically. Sure, he loved Joan and all, but it wasn’t the first time that he was dragged away from his boy because of her. Well, it wasn’t _just_ her, he supposed, because Harry’s family wanted him to go back to Holmes Chapel for New Year’s Eve too. But still.

 

So, they ended up about 180 miles away from each other.

 

Just at that moment someone stumbled into the mens’ toilets, making a right racket and almost tripping over their own feet.

 

Louis’ head snapped towards the guy.

 

‘Joan says if ya don’t come back to the bar and pour some drinks, she will make you scrub these toilets spotless, since you apparently love to spend time in them so much,’ Niall reported with a very serious expression, that was probably supposed to be authoritative, but fell slightly short since he was currently propping himself up against one of the sinks, desperately trying to keep his body vertical.

 

Niall had come back to London early too, probably hopped on the first plane back to England after Boxing Day, actually. He said something about how his family gets along best from far away, something about too many different personalities all stuck in one small house being a bit much. Verging on disaster, he claimed. Chaos. 

 

Since almost no one apart from them was back from the winter holidays yet, Louis was sort of stuck with the Irish lad.

 

He groaned once more at the thought of working, surrounded by people that weren’t his boyfriend.

 

‘I gotta go,’ he said into the phone.

 

‘Okay, hun,’ Harry replied, keeping his voice chirpy, ‘don’t worry, we’ll have a whole year to catch up on the kissing.’

 

‘Yeah,’ Louis sighed, trying to sound at least a bit less miserable, ‘bye then.’

 

He hung up after a soft, ‘bye, have fun,’ from Harry.

 

Louis looked down at his phone, the phone that Harry had given him just a couple months back. The screen was cracked pretty badly — broken, just like him.

 

God, he was being melodramatic all of a sudden.

 

‘Mate,’ Niall said, pulling him back from his thoughts. Louis almost forgot that he was there, ‘stop being such a downer. If you’re so desperate for a New Year’s kiss, I can snog ya. Take one for the team and all. Cheer you up.’

 

‘No, Niall, ew,’ Louis said, shaking his head with a snort.

 

_Five, four, three—_ the voices from outside the toilets chanted

 

‘Come here, my grumpiest, yet most talented friend,’ 

 

_—two, ONEEEEE_

 

Despite Louis’ protests, Niall threw his arms around his shoulders, making him stumble back as he struggled to keep them both up.

 

The thing was, due to his drunken state, Niall ended up missing Louis’ lips miserably and, instead of giving Louis that passionate New Year’s kiss, ended up crashing into his face, open-mouthed and saliva-heavy, hitting his nose hard with his teeth to top it off.

 

‘Ow,’ Louis said, hand immediately reaching to his face, eyes already watering slightly. The impact knocked him a couple of steps back, his nose starting to throb painfully, ‘what the fuck Niall?’

 

Niall just stared at him, eyes wide, horrified. He seemed to sober up in less than a second, squirming under Louis’ shocked, frowning glare.

 

‘Fuck, shit, I’m so sorry,’ he said, going more and more red in the face with every passing second, ‘sorry, can I do anything? Sorry. Shit.’

 

After a long, excruciatingly awkward moment, Louis lifted up his palm in a stopping motion.

 

‘It’s fine,’ he sighed heavily, still holding onto his nose. Then he turned his eyes back to his friend, expression serious and authoritative, ’we will _never_ talk of this, you understand?’

 

He lifted his eyebrows expectantly, making sure that he was understood.

 

‘Yeah, yeah, that’s probably for the best,’ Niall said, nodding energetically.

 

‘Good,’ Louis nodded in return, then pulled his hand away from his nose, checking his fingers for any signs of blood. They were clear though, so at least there was that. Then he cleared his throat, looking back to Niall, ‘how about we go and get you some water, yeah? Like, at least a pint of water.’

 

Niall, nodding even more vigorously now, said, ‘yeah, yeah. Good idea.’

 

He turned around towards the door clumsily, so Louis quickly came up to him, steadying him and letting him wrap his arm over his shoulder. He held him up, taking slow steps to get back out to the main bar area.

 

‘I swear, I’m not this slobbery when sober,’ Niall said, turning to Louis almost desperately.

 

‘Okay, I believe you,’ Louis laughed, subconsciously wiping at his nose with his free hand. Then, jokingly added, ‘you know what, I’m pretty surprised, actually. Didn’t know you swung that way,’

 

‘No one’s a hundred percent anything,’ Niall mumbled with a little shrug, still ridiculously red. ‘but we’re _never_ talking about this to anyone though, right?’

 

‘Oh, yeah, definitely not,’ Louis laughed again. 

 

Louis thought about Niall’s words. _No one is one hundred percent anything_. Thing is, he didn't think that was true of him. He was a hundred percent _something_. He was one hundred percent in love with Harry. And wow, wasn’t that an intense realisation. But a good one, also.

 

What a start to the new year.

 

 

***

 

Everyone slowly made their way back to London over the following week. The new term started on the 11th. And, as much as the scattered arrivals of his, still quite new, friends made Louis happy, nothing would match up to the moment when he saw Harry in the doorway of the Rose&Dagger on that Friday night. He almost dropped the drink he was pouring, when he recognised the head of curls grinning at him from the other side of the pub.

 

He looked at him incredulously, as Harry made his way to the bar with a pleased smirk on his face. He was definitely gaping at his boyfriend’s unexpected presence.

 

‘Hey there, stranger,’ Harry said with a grin, leaning forward over the bar.

 

‘What— what are you doing here? I thought you weren’t getting back until Sunday?’

 

‘Well, I couldn’t wait,’ Harry said, licking his lips slowly and, wow, that made Louis feel all sorts of things. Seeming really pleased with himself, he added, ’decided to surprise you.’

 

Somewhat dramatically, Louis managed to lift himself up onto the bar and hop off on the other side of it, right next to Harry. Without a moment’s pause, he threw his arms around Harry’s shoulders pulling him into a strong embrace, before moving back a bit and connecting their lips in an almost desperate kiss.

 

‘I’ve missed you so much,’ Harry said, breaking apart for just a moment.

 

‘Yeah,’ was all Louis managed to sigh out. His boy was home.

 

 

***

 

By Saturday, all their friends had made their way back to London, desperate for a night out that didn’t involve their families.

 

So they went out, naturally. Pre-drinks at the Tomlinson&Tomlinson&Styles flat, of course, before heading out on a pub crawl that ended with cheers of 

 

‘I love the fucking night tube!’ 

 

‘I love tequila!’ 

 

‘I love Ireland!’ 

 

from Liam, Sophia and Niall respectively.

 

 

*******

 

In the morning, Louis entered the living room sluggishly, rubbing at his eyes, which were still blurry from sleep. He let out a massive yawn, blinking at the view in front of him. Harry was currently dancing around to ‘You Start Me Up’ blaring from his laptop, wearing nothing but the Rolling Stones t-shirt that Louis had given him and a pair of very tight, black boxer-briefs. 

 

He was clearly in the middle of cleaning up after the night before, busy wiping away the sticky stains left behind on the coffee table by spilled drinks. He was doing so while shaking his lush, firm bottom to the beat of the music.

 

Louis, very much appreciating the view, finally cleared his throat to make his presence known.

 

Harry spun around with slight surprise on his face, which instantly turned into a massive grin once he saw it was Louis standing there in the doorway.

 

Instead of a ‘hello’, Harry dropped the cloth that he was using to clean the coffee table and started half-walking, half-dancing towards Louis, swaying his hips ridiculously. He sang along to the song dramatically, grabbing his boyfriend’s hands, and pulling him closer in, clearly wanting him to join in.

 

Louis groaned, shaking his head. He was way too tired and hungover for this. But Harry was’t letting go and continued grinning and singing along to the words.

 

_you really start me up_

 

Louis raised his eyebrows, asking cynically, ‘Really?’

 

‘Come on,’ Harry laughed at Louis’ unenthusiastic expression. 

 

Even though Louis made a show of refusing to join in, they both knew that Harry had already won. His wide, playful smile was completely contagious.

 

Louis sighed in defeat, before starting to sway his hips to the music clumsily too. He wasn’t a dancer. At all. 

 

Ignoring his tortured expression, Harry just pulled Louis closer in. His hands started travelling all around Louis hips, back, bum — all while moving to the rhythm of the song. It was more fun and silly than hot, and Louis couldn’t help to start chuckling, shaking his head fondly.

 

When the song finished, a silence filled the room for a few seconds making Louis feel as if they were both suspended in time. The only thing he could see was Harry’s breathless grin and his wide, wide pupils. He closed his eyes and leaned in, kissing Harry softly, a grin getting in the way of it going any further.

 

The music started again with a jolt. Crazy in Love started playing, just as Louis had pulled back.

 

‘Morning,’ Harry said in a whisper, laying another quick kiss on Louis’ lips.

 

‘Jesus, how are you this chirpy so early in the morning?’ 

 

‘First of all, it’s noon,’ Harry said, then shrugged, turning around to pick up the cloth and continue cleaning up the room, ‘and I’m just happy about getting to see everyone again. Getting to see you.’

 

‘Awh,’ Louis said with a slightly mocking laugh, ‘you’re such a cutie.’

 

Harry just rolled his eyes, ‘shut up. I wasn’t the one calling in the middle of the night, whining about how much I missed you.’

 

‘Well, I _did_ , so what was I supposed to do?’

 

‘Admit that you’re a massive sap.’

 

Louis crossed his arms over his chest and, with a childish, defeated frown, dropped himself onto the sofa, ‘ugh, guess I am.’

 

‘Come here,’ Harry said, extending his hands towards him, until Louis reluctantly held on with his own. Then, Harry pulled both of them down on the sofa, Louis landing on top of him with a surprised ‘umpf.’ 

 

Before he could say anything, Harry’s lips were already connected to his, and all the words seemed to just drift away into some irrelevant, distant planet and he wasn’t at all bothered with finding them. All he was interested in were Harry’s lips, and they sure were fantastic. He could never get bored of that. Shit, he could never even get used to that. Kissing Harry had this almost hypnotising effect on him and he could just get completely lost in it. 

 

After a while, they had separated, smiling goofily at each other. 

 

‘What now?’ Louis asked quietly, almost a whisper. He was still pressed on top of Harry, their hands connected.

 

‘Hm,’ Harry said, making a show of pondering about it, before turning to Louis, ‘lazy day in front of the telly?’

 

‘Sounds good to me.’

 

They rearranged their position, sitting down on the couch lazily, Louis pressed into Harry’s side. It reminded him of how Harry once called him cudd _Louis_ and he rolled his eyes at the memory with a chuckle. How someone so precious and silly fell in love with a broken mess like him, he still couldn’t comprehend sometimes. But he was glad that he did. So very, very glad and thankful.

 

Their hands were still intertwined, so Louis lifted them from his lap and laid a soft kiss onto Harry’s knuckles. It made Harry turn away from the tv and smile at him fondly.

 

‘Love you,’ Louis whispered, as if it were a secret.

 

‘Ditto,’ Harry replied with a chuckle, and Louis was so charmed that he didn’t even think to make fun of him for saying ‘ditto’, because who even says ditto?

 

 

***

 

A couple hours had passed before either of them spoke again, and it was Harry.

 

‘What are you thinking about?’ he asked Louis softly. 

 

Louis had been frowning slightly, contemplatively, for some time, without even realising.

 

‘I think I’m gonna ask Joan if I can go full-time,’ he said, turning to Harry from his musing, ’about time I started pitching in, right?’

 

Harry nodded thoughtfully.

 

‘You sure?’

 

‘Well, I’m not really a guest anymore, right?’ he added, nudging Harry’s shoulder with his own, ‘this is my home now.’

 

Harry smiled, brightening up.

 

‘Guess it is,’ he said, chuckling sweetly, ‘and, not gonna lie, your presence here did put quite a big dent in our finances, so it will definitely help.’

 

‘Good,’ Louis gave one decisive nod, squeezing Harry’s hand tighter in his own, ‘I’ll talk to her tomorrow. She’s been involving me more in the management aspect of things, I’ve noticed — like organising what bands would play and stuff. Contacting them. So, I think she already wants me to take more of an active role around the place, even though she hadn’t said anything about it yet. Did I tell you that we’re gonna add another live band night again?’

 

‘No, you didn’t,’ Harry smiled, listening to his boyfriend attentively. Even though he was talking about work and arguably mundane things, it was all interesting because Harry truly cared — he wanted to know what was going on in Louis’ life. He hung onto every little word that Louis was saying, looking up at him with interest, encouraging him to continue. This was his boyfriend talking, telling him about his life, and it was great.

 

‘Yeah, great as quiz night is, we both decided the place needed to get back to what made it special, you know?’

 

‘That sounds great Lou,’ Harry replied, bringing their intertwined hands to his lips to lay a small kiss on his knuckles, ‘I’m really proud of you, you know?’

 

Louis scoffed lightly, ‘please, I’m getting a full-time job at a bar, that’s hardly that impressive.’

 

‘You don’t give yourself enough credit,’ Harry said, shaking his head fondly, ‘you’ve made so much progress, even though it was hard. Now you’ve got a job, friends that care for you and you care for, you made up with your family, you’re writing music again — none of that was easy. And yet, here you are. You’re great, you know? Have I told you today yet?’

 

‘No, you haven’t,’ Louis said with a small laugh. He fell silent for a while, staring down at his hand, wrapped up in Harry’s, before finally turning back to look into his eyes, ‘thank you— for everything. I’m so lucky to have you.’

 

‘Ditto,’ Harry said, and, this time, Louis couldn’t help teasing him about it.

 

 

***

 

 

The next day at work, before the Rose&Dagger opened for business, Louis decided that it was a good moment to bring up the promotion subject. He felt surprisingly nervous, but he figured it was probably because he hated asking people for things. There was that part of him that still thought that he didn’t deserve anything from them and was a burden to everyone, constantly getting in the way. But he tried to shake the thought, walking up to the bar where Joan was leaning over her laptop, a slight crease between her eyebrows, clearly concentrating hard on what was on the screen.

 

‘Um, Joan, do you have a sec?’ Louis asked a bit awkwardly.

 

‘Sure, hun,’ she nodded, glancing up from her laptop for just a moment, before looking back down at the screen, ‘I actually wanted to talk to you about something.’

 

‘Oh yeah?’ Louis said. Maybe she was going to bring the whole thing up herself, which would spare him the grovelling.

 

‘Yeah,’ she nodded, making eye-contact again, ‘see, I’ve been wanting to get some more time to myself for a while now. Delegate and all,’ she said and Louis couldn’t help but stand up straighter with an delighted smile. Then, she continued, ‘so I’ve decided to make Josh a sort of assistant manager, you know? So, he’ll be in charge of the boring day-to-day stuff, shifts and that, and I’ll focus on the bands, since we’re adding another bands night. I’ll still be the big boss though, don’t worry. I’m not letting you kids ruin my bar.’

 

Wait, what? Louis frowned, because _what?_ This was not what he was expecting. This was not what he was expecting at all.

 

‘You’re making Josh assistant manager? You’re promoting _him_?’ 

 

‘Yep,’ she said with a nonchalant nod, apparently completely ignorant of Louis’ slightly jittery movements, ‘as I said, I just want to take some weight off myself. Have a personal life for a change.’

 

Louis nodded, biting down on his lip for a moment, frustrated. He wanted to be chilled out about the whole thing, but it was proving difficult.

 

‘I thought you were gonna give me that job,’ he just blurted out, slightly harsher than he intended to, ‘I need that promotion and more hours. There’s no way I could support myself long-term on just a part-time job. I don’t— I don’t get it.’

 

Joan looked slightly surprised by Louis’ clearly upset reaction, but her expression quickly changed and she sighed amusedly.

 

‘I’ve got a different job for you hun,’ she said with a pleased, slightly teasing smile, as if Louis was missing something obvious, ‘come over here.’

 

She gestured for him to join her behind the bar, turning her laptop screen in his direction. It was open on the bar’s calendar. He didn’t know what she wanted to show him that he hasn’t already seen. He had pretty much memorised the whole thing, having helped to organise performances for almost half of the bands on there.

 

Seeing his confusion, she pointed to the cell of the last Friday of January. A pop-punk band from Bristol was supposed to be playing, he was sure of it, and yet that’s not what the description said.

 

**Headliner: Louis Tomlinson @ 9 p.m.**

 

‘Wha—? I don’t understand,’ he said, turning to her with a frown.

 

Joan chuckled in response.

 

‘It’s not that difficult to understand, Louis,’ she said, ‘a spot on the calendar opened up and you’re gonna take it.’

 

‘But I— I can’t,’ he stuttered, ‘I don’t— I’m not ready. I don’t even have a band! This is ridiculous.’

 

‘You _are_ ready. I’ve heard you practise and I _know_ you. You’ve never played better than you are now. Your songs are strong and I just— I’m so proud of you, baby,’ she said with a warm, reassuring smile, laying one of her hands on Louis’ shoulder.

 

He stared at her as if she was talking in a different language. Not even a human language, though. Something from a completely different galaxy.

 

‘I can’t just— I can’t just _play_ ,’ he said, his heartbeat picking up anxiously just at the thought of it. He stared at her, slightly lost, ‘this is in three weeks— I can’t.’

 

‘You _can_ ,’ she insisted, squeezing his shoulder tighter, ‘and you _will_ , because I just printed out the posters for that event, so it’s set in ink.’

 

‘But—‘ he mumbled.

 

She sighed.

 

‘Listen, if you truly don’t want to do it, I won’t force you, but I really think you need to get back on that stage. Trust me, I know my fair share about music and I know that it’s where you’re meant to be.’

 

Louis’ eyes started watering slightly and he was silently begging them not to overflow with tears. He felt so shocked and vulnerable all of a sudden. Could he do it? Could he? 

 

‘I—‘ he started saying, his throat tight and words coming out slightly choked up, ‘I’ve gotta go home and think about it.’

 

Joan smiled widely, giving Louis’ shoulder another reassuring squeeze.

 

‘Great,’ she said, ‘and just so you know, I’m really rooting for you. You deserve to be seen.’

 

Louis nodded, biting down on his lip lightly, not knowing what else to say.

 

‘I’m gonna go then,’ he settled on, pointing towards the entrance to the bar a bit dazed, even though he was actually supposed to start his shift in a bit. Apparently he had completely forgotten about the fact and Joan didn’t seem to particularly mind, replying with a quick, slightly amused, ‘see you tomorrow honey,’ as he walked out of Rose&Dagger, completely lost.

 

Louis didn’t know what to think about any of this, really. It all seemed like too much, too unexpected.

 

He really needed to see Harry. Yes. Harry would help him make sense of it. Harry would know what to say.

 

Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry.

 

 

***

 

‘I entered the school talent show once,’ Louis said. They only had a couple hours before it was his turn to perform and Harry was standing next to him by the bar. He came with him for moral support, along with all of their friends that could make it.

 

‘Really?’ he instantly perked up, the way he always did when Louis brought up something about his past.

 

‘Yeah,’ he said, looking at the small stage on the other side of the room. His body didn’t feel like his own as he watched Joan untangle cables, muttering profanities aimed at whoever left them in such a state the last time. ‘That was the only time that I ever performed by myself and I didn’t even make it through auditions.’

 

‘Oh,’ Harry said, quickly realising that this wasn’t just a little moment of reminiscence. Louis was scared. He grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, squeezing it tightly, ‘this will be different, though. You’re gonna do great, Lou.’

 

‘Yeah, then why do I feel like such a kid then? A stupid, delusional child, thinking that I’ve got everything sorted when, in reality, I don’t.’

 

‘Hey,’ Harry said, moving to stand in between Louis and the stage that he was still staring at. ‘You’re not a kid, stop thinking like that. You’re good. Really good. And even if you mess up, like properly embarrass yourself, it doesn’t really matter. It’s just one performance. One of, I am sure, many many performances. Because this is what you’re great at. What you love.’

 

‘What I love.’ Louis echoed hesitantly, trying to accept the words. 

 

‘Yeah,’ Harry smiled softly, ‘and you’ll do great.’

 

Louis scoffed.

 

‘I’ll do mediocre at best, but you’re right. I have to do it, even if I embarrass myself.’

 

Harry just rolled his eyes, deciding to drop it. Louis was amazing, no matter how much he tried to deny it. 

 

They stood in silence for a while, until Louis’ eyes turned back towards the stage where Niall and Joan were now talking animatedly. More than that, actually. They were laughing like besties. 

 

‘Harry,’ he said, scrunching up his face uncomfortably, ‘please tell me that Niall isn’t hitting on Joan.’

 

Harry followed Louis’ gaze towards the bar, just as the two turned towards them with the same warm, _knowing_ expression.

 

‘No.’ Harry chuckled, easily deciphering their laughs and chatter, ‘I think they’ve just found out they share a favourite topic of choice.’

 

‘Like what?’ Louis asked, frowning incredulously.

 

‘Us.’

 

‘Oh that’s just great,’ Louis let out a small exasperated groan, rolling his eyes, ‘just what I need.’

 

‘Well,’ Harry said, softly nudging Louis with his elbow so that he looked at him, ‘to be fair, we’re my favourite subject too.’

 

‘Oh shut up, you cheeseball.’

 

‘Never.’ Harry said, grinning goofily. Louis seemed distracted from stressing out for a moment.

 

 

 

*******

 

‘Hey everyone,’ Louis said, clearing his throat and giving a vague wave to no one in particular with a hand which was already holding a guitar pick between its fingers. ‘I can see some familiar faces, so hi,’ he looked down for a moment, biting down on his lip. 

 

Close by, in the audience, Harry held his breath, a bit nervous. This must have been hard for Louis. He just wanted to tell him, ‘it’s okay, you can do it,’ but instead, he had to settle on chewing down on the side of his thumb nail and hoping for the best. 

 

Louis shook his head lightly to clear his thoughts, before continuing, ‘today’s set is going to be an acoustic one, seeing as I don’t actually have a band right now,’ he chuckled awkwardly, continuing more seriously, ‘some of you may know why, some may not. So sorry, if it’s not what you were expecting, but I hope you still enjoy it. This first song is something I’ve written for someone really important to me, while life was being pretty shit. It’s called ‘Home’.’

 

He took a step away from the mic, starting to play the opening chords, his eyes fluttering shut as he concentrated. 

 

Harry’s heart started beating wildly in his chest in anticipation. That was his song and it meant so much to both of them. He prayed for everything to go well, for people to respond well to it. Because it really was _so important_ to Louis, he knew that.

 

Then Louis’ eyes opened and he took a step forward again, throwing himself into the song. 

 

_I was stumbling, looking in the dark_

_with an empty heart_

 

Louis’ voice was full of emotion, you could tell, but it wasn’t weak, he didn’t hesitate or stutter or act in any way nervous. He had that look on his face, like he was completely consumed by it and Harry couldn’t help but watch him with awe, because that was his boyfriend and he was absolutely fantastic.

 

And he loved him.

 

 

********

 

The notes of the last song only just barely ran out, replaced by the sound of hands clapping and Niall making a horrendous hooting noise, when Louis hopped of the low stage and ran the few steps towards Harry. It might have been in his head, but he could swear that the crowd only got louder when their lips met. People cheered. A rom-com moment.

 

Somewhat erratically, Louis broke away, clumsily taking off the guitar that was still hanging off his shoulders by its strap. There was no time for words, as far as he was concerned. He could vaguely register some congratulatory comments from people, but he couldn’t concentrate on that at that moment. Everything was buzzing and, instead of trying to decipher the words, he handed the guitar to a confused Niall and grabbed hold of Harry’s arm, dragging him towards the toilets.

 

Apart from letting out a surprised squeal and giggling, Harry let himself be swept away by his boyfriend. They almost trampled all over someone who was just leaving the toilets, like a stampede of wild animals, which just made Harry laugh harder.

 

‘What are you—‘ he started asking, but before he could form a question, Louis was kissing him. Hard. Frantic. Harry couldn’t say he minded too much.

 

Barely breaking their lips apart, Louis walked them backward into a cubicle, then spun Harry around, pinning him against it’s door. He had expertly chosen the one where the lock actually closed properly, and he clicked it shut without even looking. It would hardly give them privacy, but it was the best he could do because everything was _so urgent_.

 

‘What are you—‘ Harry tried asking again..

 

‘I want to make you feel good Harry,’ Louis panted in between kisses, ‘I feel so ecstatic and— and it’s all thanks to you— and I just— I want to make you feel good.’

 

Harry looked at him with a furrowed brown, not quite understanding. Instead of answering, Louis turned his attention to Harry’s neck, kissing roughly. His hands wandered around Harry’s torso, down to his waist, then travelling under his shirt, hot on Harry’s bare skin. Louis started rubbing his thigh against Harry’s crotch and his boyfriend was still in a state of shock at the sudden make out session.

 

It wasn’t until Louis’ fingers started fumbling with the zipper on his jeans, and he dropped to his knees right in front of him that it all _clicked_. 

 

‘No, Lou, stop,’ Harry gasped out, pushing Louis away, ‘I can’t. We can’t.’

 

Louis stared up, startled by the interruption, before clearing his throat awkwardly.

 

‘Oh, um— sorry.’ He said barely audibly, looking away. Their surroundings became clear to him suddenly. He felt almost embarrassed at the realisation of how pathetic he must’ve looked that second, kneeling in the small stall, on the eternally — despite both his and the cleaner’s best efforts — sticky floor, the smell of what was probably half a century of combined urine filling his nose. How the hell did this feel sexy even a second ago? Obviously, Harry wouldn’t want—

 

‘No, it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that— i can get really loud—‘

 

Louis’ eyes darted back to Harry, mouth dropping open, heart pounding, ‘You— you can’t just say that Harry—‘

 

And that was it. In an instant, he was standing up, looking at Harry hungrily. Fuck this place, he thought, or maybe said, as he rushed to unlock the door while trapped so tight against Harry.

 

‘What are—‘

 

‘We’re going home.’ he said with authority.

 

‘But— but everyone is out there waiting— and your guitar— don’t you have to pack up?’ he stuttered, eyes were wide with innocent, confused concern that was just so very _Harry_. It only made Louis want him more.

 

‘Oh, fuck that. Niall can tidy up. He’s clearly very friendly with Joan. I’m sure he’ll gladly help out.’

 

‘But—‘

 

‘We’re leaving Harry.’ Louis said, grabbing Harry’s hand firmly in his own and unlocking the bathroom door with a quick click.

 

Harry laughed giddily. 

 

And then they _ran_ home — impatient, out of breath and excited. Only stopping to make out several times, because they just couldn’t help it.

 

 

 

****

 

 

Next morning, Louis was still buzzing, looking through his texts, while Harry slept with, head resting on his chest.

 

_From Will: Bro where did you go? people kept coming up to me and congratulating me thinking i was you._

 

_From Niall: Your guitar’s at mine. Pick it up. Everyone knows u and haz went home to fuck fyi_

 

_From Niall: but seriously. your set rocked. don’t forget me when ur famous_

 

 

_Louis shook his head. That little Irish menace._

 

 

_To Niall: don’t dick around niall. i’ll need a guitarist. ur coming with._

 

_From Niall: for real????? THAT’S IT. we’re getting absolutely wankered tonight. celebratory drinks?_

 

 

Louis grinned. He could get used to that.

 

Just as he was about to accept the invitation, his phone started vibrating in his hand.

 

Joan was calling.

 

Shit, why was she calling? Louis thought with slight panic rising. Was he supposed to come in to work today? Was she mad about him disappearing? Was he gonna get a lecture thrown at him this early in the morning?

 

‘Hi Joan,’ he said, surprised by the roughness in his own voice. He tried to clear his throat, but it didn’t seem to do much. With an awkward chuckle, he continued, ‘I’m not in trouble am I?’

 

‘No, no, don’t worry.’ Joan replied with a warm laugh, ‘It’s just that you and Harry ran off so early last night that I didn’t really get to talk to you properly.’

 

‘Okay?’ Louis didn’t know where the conversation was going, but he sat up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes to wake himself up a bit more. It sounded like he should be paying attention.

 

‘You remember my friend, Julian?’

 

‘Vaguely.’ he replied, not understanding the relevance of the quick hello they had exchanged the night before.

 

‘Well, he wants to meet up with you and talk about your music.’

 

‘What?’

 

‘He’s a producer.’

 

‘Wait, _what?_ ’ Louis couldn’t help the confused frown on his face. He sat up straighter, ‘you have a friend whose a producer?’

 

‘Yeah, of course I do.’

 

‘Then why did you never— why did you never introduce us?’ 

 

There was a sigh on the line, before Joan continued, softly but insistently.

 

‘You just weren’t ready, honey,’ she explained earnestly, ‘and it was always _you_ , not the band. I know that you thought it was all about Zayn, but you boys, you wouldn’t have made it. It’s probably hard to hear, but it’s the truth. You were stuck in Zayn’s shadow and I know— I know you loved him, but he wasn’t all that you thought he was. He wasn’t the star. You are.’

 

‘I don’t— that’s—’ so many mixed feelings filled him. Joan’s words stung. He felt betrayed by her. She didn’t think they were good enough? He flinched at the word _loved_ too, an unpleasant shiver running down his spine, partly because he hated the thought that his feelings were so obvious to everyone and partly because it wasn’t _love_. He could say that now with certainty. It wasn’t love. He worshipped him and now— now Joan says that _he_ was the star? What the hell did that even mean?

 

‘Just take some time to think over it.’ she continued after a long moment of silence on the line, ‘I’ll give you his number and you can get back to him, yeah?’

 

‘But—‘

 

‘You’re ready, Louis. You can really do this.’

 

Louis couldn’t find the words for a while. Thoughts were swarming inside his mind way too fast, too hectic.

 

‘Thank you,’ he managed to reply, only resulting in more reassurances and compliments from Joan. It was all so much, but at the same time, it all seemed to be falling into place, solidifying in his mind. And that’s when he decided. This was happening. He played a show. He was going to meet a producer who, apparently, already liked his stuff. It wasn’t just him joking around with Niall about needing a guitarist when he’s famous. Everything was now in motion and realised that he didn’t want to wait around anymore. He was going to make music. This was going to be his life now.

 

After a few minutes, he finally ended the call in a completely different mindset. He looked at Harry, laying in bed beside him with puffy cheeks and mouth hanging slightly open. He couldn’t help himself, as his hand moved towards his boyfriend and he stated playing with Harry’s sleep-messy curls, keeping his touch as soft as possible. 

 

‘You’re gonna have so many songs about you playing on the radio one day.’ he said, with a fond smirk.

 

‘Hhm?’ Harry hummed in question, choosing that moment to stir awake — well, slightly awake — lifting his head slightly towards Louis’ voice. 

 

‘Nothing, go back to sleep, love.’

 

Harry smiled at his words lazily, before doing just that and it all felt like a moment suspended in time. Except, Louis knew it wasn’t. If anything, it felt like the last moment of calm he would get for a long time — a calm before the storm, except this time the storm didn’t scare him. The storm was an adventure waiting ahead. It was excitement and promise and definitely a lot of hard work, but the main, overwhelming thought of it all was that it was the start of something amazing, something he was finally ready for. Finally deserved.

 

The story of Louis Tomlinson was just beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact. when i started writing this, i was intending to post it sort of 'real-time', so this is LITERALLY a year late hahaha.
> 
> hope you enjoyed it! i honestly can say that i can't remember about 67% of what i have written in this and i definitely need to go back and edit and all that but REALLY i just needed to get this thing out. 
> 
> please comment/get in touch/talk about larry with me because i'm always up for that!!
> 
> all my social media is annanotesxo
> 
> thanks so much for reading!!
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> talk to meeee haha <3
> 
> seriously, thank you for the comments they are SO encouraging :)
> 
> next chapter might not be up quite as quickly, because i signed up for the break fic exchange and need to get going with that, but i'll do my best.
> 
> my username on tumblr/instagram/twitter/everything is annanotesxo :)
> 
> hope you're liking this xoxo


End file.
